Aikido partner at home

I have an Aikido partner here at home. An unusual one. A four legged one. No, not one of the horses. Rather, one of the sheep. Imagine doing push hands with a four horned ram.

Fortunately and surprisingly, I am physically stronger than him. He has dangerous ramming power at speed so I need to take care to engage with him when he is close, not when he is approaching from ten yards away. The impact of that I'm not ready for. I'd like to think that one day I could successfully redirect all that energy and come out unhurt. It is not out of the question, just premature to think I could do that.

But a close encounter with this attacking ram I can handle. And I seek to get smoother, softer with this. The other day when I found myself being attacked -- ram attempting to ram me -- I grabbed two of his four horns and did a mix of redirecting him and bracing myself. I was very relieved that I was able to prevent him from hurting me. I have given it quite some thought, imagining how I might be more successful with redirecting that energy, and less reacting with bracing and brute strength.

Part of me likes having the brute strength so I will have to employ extra awareness and clear intention to break that habit. *g*





Last evening I had a different approach to dealing with this ram who started to show signs of preparing to attack me. I had hay in my arms (the usual scenario) and was headed for the hay box where Sofia and Bo would be eating. I wanted to position myself so Sofia and Bo were between me and the ram -- he does not attack them. Sofia moved off leaving me unprotected. Bo was still near by and I asked him with words and nodding of my head to move there, in the space between me and the ram. HE DID!

He doesn't know that he just earned a higher level of appreciation by his responsiveness. Or maybe he does. He's a dear pony, unruly at times when he gets lost in his own thoughts about what horses should be where, but otherwise so eager to try -- oh gosh, he falls in the Good Student category... one who really tries hard to get the right answer.

Defenses and Aikido

I have long had the habit of introspection, thinking about what makes this or that meaningful, why do I do this, why does she/he react that way, why, why, what, how, who, why, why, why...

Learning Aikido is easier when I am not thinking. What? Not thinking about learning something new and difficult? Yup.

Uncommon, but not all that hard. I just have to give in to the learning part of it and skip all the I'm A Good Student stuff.

(Thank you for that awareness, my Aikido/Horsemanship friends!)

I started Aikido class without really knowing what was ahead of me. I went hoping to become more centered, learn more about energy and using my body and mind softly and effectively. I never thought about the Martial Arts aspect of Aikido! Yikes.

Something has caught my attention. As I learn to defend myself (and believe me, I am at the pre-pre-K level of learning!) I find I have less to defend. What I mean is, my psychological defenses are less active as I develop some physical ability to defend myself. In the very first Aikido class I learned two escape moves, how to get away if someone grabs my arm. And it was easy once I got the feel of it.

It reinforces some thoughts I've had about the motivation for psychological defenses -- survival. No different from the survival instinct of our equine friends. Well, what we do when our survival is threatened tends to be different from what horses do, but that basis behind our actions is the same -- we are scared we will not survive. Psychological defenses stem from our early life when indeed, our survival depended on the attention and life support of others -- mom, dad, grandma, whomever it was.

I wonder what we humans would be like if we had the ability to run for our lives by the time we're 10 minutes old, rather than being dependent for months!

I belong outdoors

I started with the title "I belong outside" but the connotations of 'outside' reflect a former me, who only felt comfortable outside, on the outskirts of a close group, outside the norm, outside any perimeter within which I might have found what I was always seeking. Unable to tolerate the closeness that fosters intimacy and meets so many needs on so many levels. The closeness I so desperately wanted.

So I changed the word to 'outdoors'. THAT meaning of 'outside'. And that is all I meant by this.

After feeling mopey, depressed, discouraged, down, sad, tearful, et cetera, for the past few days, I went out to feed hay before heading out for my third Aikido class this evening, and discovered the snow had come off the barn roof. Emergency! Briefly complaining to myself, I took to shoveling it. Why the urgency? If I shovel it clear while the temps are still in the low 30s, it is sooo much easier than shoveling it after it has frozen hard -- a very likely event during the next 12 hours.

My heart rate went up, my muscles warmed, my mood lifted. How simple is that?

Rusty as my teacher

[Finally! I am able to upload this picture from the October clinic with Mark Rashid. Below it is the text I wrote in mid-November.]



Today I learned something special from Rusty. I've been keenly trying to learn this lesson with every ride since my clinic time with Mark Rashid. It's about how I sit, and my desire has been to learn how to sit so that I no longer interfere with Rusty's movement.

I've been making strides (no pun intended) each ride. Rusty might not think so. I'm sure it upsets him each time I'm pitched too far forward and/or tight in my back, causing him to hop around with his hindquarters like a fish out of water. Poor boy.

I do this when we are cantering to the left. Not to the right. Mark and Crissi, his assistant, helped me identify where I was blocked in my energy (seems to coincide with tightness in my body), and helped me find a better way to ride. But it was a kindergarten lesson with them, simply opening my awareness and setting the stage for my progress to continue here at home, which it has.

[Interesting addendum: a week or two ago when I was riding Rusty out on the roadway -- only safe footing around here some days -- he cantered just fine on the left lead. So something is different in me when I canter him in the ring versus canter him out in the open. As soon as the footing improves and my general mental stability returns to a level where I trust my decision of when and whom to ride, I will explore this further.]

Becoming balanced thanks to Paul Bauer

Paul Bauer is a Physical Therapist working in Guilford, CT who specializes in functional biomechanics. I found him because my father has had increasing back pain some years after back surgery. My father is very conservative about whom he praises. He praises Paul Bauer. That got my attention.

What further got my attention was my father's brief description of what Paul Bauer does and demonstration of some exercises Paul has Dad do.

What further got my attention was my youngest brother's lengthy description of what Paul Bauer does and his lengthy demonstration of exercises Paul has him do. Different body issues therefore different exercises. This brother and I have talked numerous times about bodies, alignments, exercises to help, actually since he was a teenager and I was first starting body awareness through yoga and meditation.

He had remarkable though partial success with the approach to pain free living outlined by Pete Egoscue (www.egoscue.com). I had done the Egoscue exercises for some years because a dear and horsey friend, PP, recommended them plus I saw the changes in her riding after she had been doing them herself. Nothing like improved riding to get me to notice!

So, I decided I wanted to be helped by Paul Bauer. It involved a long trip and an overnight stay. And I have nothing but excitement and praise for Paul Bauer and what he has offered me.

His assessment covered every joint and associated muscle groups -- both strength and range of motion. I was not surprised when he discovered that I am strong for my age, and have full range of motion in all my joints. I was very surprised to learn that I do not use muscles in my lower lumbar to support the proper curve of my lower back, and correspondingly I overuse muscles of my upper lumbar.

Because I was confident I would not return for 4-6 months, he gave me a progressive program to follow. I hurt after my first attempt at using the muscles of my lower lumbar, finding them precisely via the exercise he taught me. In fact it took me a month to develop strength enough to hold the position for a minute each leg, two reps.

My riding position has changed. My walking position has changed. My sitting position has changed. My sense of body presence has changed. My life has changed. I am definitely more fluid and soft through my back, and move with more ease. And I'm not finished with restructuring my lower back -- just a couple of months since my first contact with Paul Bauer.

If anyone is interested, his clinic contact info: http://www.myphysio.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=goToClinic&ClinicID=1142 He is not the only one who provides functional biomechanics at this office or other offices of the company, but I cannot personally vouch for the level of excellence of anyone else.

From the website:

Physiotherapy Associates is committed to leadership in the field of rehabilitation care through our focus on patients, professionals, and technology. The successful integration of practice, education, and research within our clinics provide our patients with the highest quality of care.

The goal of physical therapy is to prevent injury and restore patients to their highest level of function in the shortest amount of time. Our therapists take each patient's need and develop a program specifically tailored to the individual.

A link to an article about functional biomechanics: https://www.performbetter.com/catalog/matriarch/OnePiecePage.asp_Q_PageID_E_134_A_PageName_E_funcbioggray

Gratitude

I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful RNB is alive. I am grateful to see, feel, smell, touch, hear a full array of sensations representing Nature's bounty. I am grateful for an extended blended family full of care and love regardless of how we are related. I am grateful for friends and companions of various species.

The more I intentionally focus on gratitude, the more I will develop the habit of gratitude and replace other attitudes and moods with one of gratefulness.

I am grateful for the family members who are removing ice and snow from the roof as I write. I am grateful for the opportunity to ride a horse today.

The heart stutters, too

Well, not sure of that analogy.

My dear RNB had a heart attack on Thursday. Life has changed suddenly! He is well, I am well, and both of us are feeling vulnerable as we figure out how to proceed with life style changes, especially his diet and activity level. I am feeling vulnerable as I process past losses and times of caregiving. I do better with a solid buffer of denial between me and death.

I am benefiting by thinking through all the heart attack risk factors with him. I am considering giving up my white chocolate indulgence. Considering that, not committed to that. I am committed to going for recovery walks with RNB. Although we both are very active, neither of us pay attention to the 'steady' factor of raising one's heart rate -- that is what contributes to cardiovascular health, not sporadic upswings with great exertion followed by stillness.

I did get my heart rate up tromping through the knee-deep snow to get horses where they belonged. It was lovely -- after dark with an overcast sky lit by a hidden mostly full moon.

I'm grateful RNB is alive and has a good chance for many more years.

Stuttering, from a friend

My friend, BA, wrote me this and gave permission to post it:

So, I've been thinking a lot about your "Stuttering in Motion" post. I stutter too. Just a couple days ago I specifically remember a time I stuttered. I was walking from the house to the barn to feed and realized that I forgot the bottle of liquid I mix in the feed. Because I had been pondering your post, I circled around (moving forward), returned to the house to get the bottle, and made the trip to barn.

I find myself wondering if we are created by design to stutter? Do we accomplish more when we stutter? Are stuttering and multi-tasking the same thing? Are the hesitations and pauses our body's attempt to slow us down because we are moving too fast? Is it our body's way of trying to save us time and energy? Can we acknowledge and pursue the little reminders our mind offers without stuttering? Perhaps we can circle back (moving forward) when our mind gives us the reminder to save a trip and bring a scoop of feed for the geese. In an effort not to stutter, will I become so controlling in my actions that I become inflexible? Is there a way to remain flexible without stuttering?

Hummmm

[My comment: Good questions!!]

The body has memories

Second class of Aikido this evening. My first lesson in falling, which for me was about learning to roll. What I learned is how much I push (launching myself into a roll), how much I protect (worried about hurting my body), how much I think (wanting to analyze what my various body parts should be doing so I can direct the show), how many new muscles I met, both those I've not used (lower legs especially) and many maybe I've overused (back).

Thank heavens for the mats on the floor. RNB says we can get some for our new house. Heck, let's get them NOW! I know I will learn how to do this, gracefully, seemingly as effortlessly as it is demonstrated! Meanwhile, thank heavens for homeopathic arnica.

I cried when I got home. Just lay down and cried some tears and took a nap. Phew. Nothing special, just all that energy released from my body as I did it over and over and over, slowly making some progress toward some combination of letting go and moving intentionally. How is that for a paradox?

I suppose I still am releasing tears of sorrow about Gingersnap. A long email from GKM reminded me of some details of what a grand mare that Ginger was. She will be missed.

Fairlane Gingersnap

In memory of a dear horse, sister to my Fairlane Kacee, auntie to my Fairlane Rusty, and most importantly, long time beloved of my dear friend, GKM.

Deep, easy changes

[I retrieved this from my drafted entries and finally could add a picture! Apologies if you have heard this story already.]



I spent 2 days auditing and 3 days riding with Mark Rashid in late October. I had wanted to take Sofia but she was off at the trot so I took Rusty. I'm very glad I did.

Mark is remarkable. No pun intended. I have spent decades messing around extensively with energy, body awareness, meditation, and projecting thoughts and intentions. This experience with Mark was the first time all that sort of 'stuff' was present integrated with horsemanship.

Mark's life includes Aikido. I have no personal experience of it other than what he shared during an evening participatory 'demonstration'. I got a feel for what he calls "blending". And I had opportunities during my clinic time to start practicing that, to develop a better feel for 'blending', for making contact, feeling for an opening, and directing my horse. The goodness of this is beyond words.

OK, back to where I intended to start.

Day 2 of riding, Mark said to me, "Are you ready to hear something?"

I hesitated for one millisecond, letting the question sink in, then looking at Mark with eagerness I felt right from my center, I said, "Yes!"

He told me that the fronts of my shoulders are blocked, and these blocks are preventing Rusty from moving his shoulders. He described how Rusty was reaching forward with his front feet but he did not bring them back, so his stride was stopped. He proceeded to suggest I let these areas fill with energy, or light, or however I wanted to think about it. It was not a mechanical thing for me to fix, just bring my awareness there and let there be life there, enliven those areas.

I did. Immediately I could feel the areas in the front of my shoulders begin to buzz with energy -- energy flowed up through those areas and out in an upwards direction, allowing warmth, energy flow, tears, laughter, and big sounds rolling out of my belly up through this release. My eyes were wide, my body was soft, and this release was happening.

When I started riding again, with this feeling of life in the front of my shoulders, Rusty started finding a normal stride. It took some time going both directions before it felt solid, where I was allowing the energy and the openness, and Rusty was regular with his normal stride. At first Mark was giving me feedback when it was happening, then I could feel it. Then we brought this to the trot. Oh what a clear difference when Rusty could trot a normal stride!!! No more feeling like I'm riding a sewing machine! That poor horse, constricted in his movement all these years because of blockage in my energy. Phew!

[Thanks to Pam Y for the picture!]

Pictures...

Currently I get an error message each time I try to upload pictures here. Blogger.com is working on a fix. Meanwhile, I am limited to words, punctuation marks, and fantasies of what pictures I would upload.

If I get desperate, I will approach my blog via Internet Explorer rather than Safari. IF I get desperate.

Stuttering less

I noticed today instead of stopping and starting in my stuttering motion pattern, I circled! In moments of indecision, I traveled forward, in a circle, until I knew where I was going. Interesting change! There were also a few times when I just came to a stop and stood there thinking until it was clear what I was going next to do. Progress!

Spiritual Bypass

What does that mean?

It means reaching for the wonders of the mystical connectedness while deluding oneself that one can attain some higher levels without reaching for the depths of the psyche as well.

Openness to all the goodness of the universe means openness without condition. Openness allows pain to surface, to flow, to be an integrated part of the self. When someone is in a Spiritual Bypass, they are pretending that the gifts of spiritual goodness are theirs while denying the gifts of darkness, of shadow, of pain.

If indeed it is all one, then the light and the dark are intermingled, intertwined, coexisting in some harmony that seems foreign or frightening to some, but intriquing and enlightening to others.

Stuttering in motion

I stutter.

As a child, my older brother stuttered. He struggled to control the verbal stuttering that accompanied many of his thought expressions. He went to therapy for it and now, many years later, I recall his stuttering only because I realized last night that I stutter.

It is apparent not in my talking, but in my moving.

I have been aware that I move through space with stops and starts, especially if there are many things on my mind and I'm passing by reminders of those things and I stop to do this then move then stop to do that then move and sometimes in the middle of doing Y, I remember I had started to do X and I stand there actually wavering back and forth, my body demonstrating the indecision of my mind regarding what to do now. Hesitations, pauses, backward steps, sharp turns to left or right...

I want to change this. I did change it after it was brought to my awareness last evening during class. But to be self aware in the rest of my life, that depends on me, not my teachers.

So I set myself a little challenge: move forward.

Already this morning I have stuttered a few times, and it was those moments which led to this challenge. Regardless of what my mind is doing -- wondering, doubting, changing plans -- I will move forward. If I am headed to get a scoop of feed for the chickens and remember that I can also bring a scoop of feed for the geese at the same time, instead of stopping dead in my tracks and turning around to go pick up a second scoop, I intend to move forward, perhaps circle back or perhaps continue with my initial plan, but whatever I do, I move forward.

I set myself another little challenge this morning: wash dishes with opposite hands.

I have the habit of holding a dirty dish in my right hand and holding the scrubby sponge in my left. This morning I changed that. AWKWARD! I hope making a small change like this will help with the left/right differences I felt when introduced to two basic escape techniques in class last night. In fact, doing the dishes like this helped my left shoulder be soft and relaxed -- I tend to hold that shoulder up and forward more than my right shoulder.

I suspect this imbalance I found so blatant last evening is part of why my horses tend to respond differently to me whether longing to the left or the right. Yes, I continue to be motivated to improve my effectiveness as a horseperson.

Introduction to Martial Arts

I joined the Aiki Budoin (http://web.mac.com/tpristow/Site/Home.html) and attended my first class.

Many lessons generated in less than two hours!

My hopes were to start learning to fall, to roll, stuff like that. What was presented was how to sit seiza, brief history of the Martial Arts taught at this dojo, how to bow, when to bow, then we proceeded to some hands on work -- two basic escape moves.

Learnings:

I am easily disappointed when my expectations are not met. However that state was acknowledged and released very quickly. No room for disappointments when there is so much to discover in life.

I came wanting to get to the active stuff, learn what I want to learn without considering that someone who has been studying and teaching Martial Arts for more than half my life time will know a sensible order to present material so I have the best chance of being successful in learning, in engaging in the culture of the dojo, and in adapting the philosophy and practices of the art forms taught there.

I have a huge, deep habit of stuttering -- not when I verbalize, but when I move. That is the best way I can describe it. Hesitate, pause, stop, interrupt the flow. Motion stuttering. Sensei Pristow spoke to me early on about moving forward, continuing what I'm doing regardless of doubts or questions about how well I'm doing the move. Wow, this will be huge for me to change. And during class I did change it.

My body hurts when I rely on strength rather than my center.

My left side is relatively really awkward compared to my right side -- and I'm left-handed? THAT was a big surprise!

The experiences of practicing two simple escape moves, of moving from my core, carried over through the evening, most notably when I was out with the horses feeding.

Coming from my center - the horses knew! I needed much less peripheral moving of my arms and body to influence their moving and their stopping. I stuttered once, and knew it instantly -- it was like switching gears from one world to another.

I felt the blending -- engaged in it -- without thinking it through while putting on and taking off the horses' feedbags. I was consistent about keeping my boundaries with every horse, not making exceptions for the ones I feel closer to, more affectionate with.

I am very excited about the effects from the one class. And wonder what incredible openings lie in my future.

Winter scenes

Peacocks in snow...




Soli and Rusty and Jacob sheep...




Mixed species take refuge on the porch...

Snowy ride, PT in the saddle

I rode Soli today after some ground work with Sofia then Rusty. Snowy, soft terrain. Chilly and silent as dusk settled.

I was thinking about what I read recently -- a clinic report by someone who was with Mark Rashid. She described being in the round pen with him and following his movements as he worked with her horse. She mentioned his movement was continual and smooth and every moment of it intentional, so I was trying to keep that in mind when I moved around with Sofia then with Rusty. Awareness of flow when I'm doing groundwork will keep improving as I put my attention to practicing it. Meanwhile I move with staccatos and commas, to mix metaphors.

I was focused with Sofia on her understanding just where I was wanting her body. I am working on consistency -- both consistency from day to day with a horse, but also consistency from horse to horse with what I expect. Again thinking provoked by something I read about a Mark Rashid clinic.

I have tended to let Kacee come in close without waiting for permission or invitation. I have tended to allow a couple of horses to bob their heads when I remove their feedbags. I am challenging myself to see if I can expect the same from all the horses, rather than let my emotions steer me to offer affection more than clear boundaries. Mark speaks clearly about this -- that in herds, boundaries are a very important element, high on the list of what needs to be clear between horses. Affection is low on the herd list. We humans do it differently, and yes, we humans tend to get in trouble around horses!

The ride on Soli... well, I was feeling a little uncertain so I chose him rather than Rusty. Soli can fill in a LOT. I just needed him to fill in a little so my confidence would reappear which it did. I had my cowgirl plan -- go gather some fencing materials from the neighbors' field that we used when we still had cows. My plan was foiled by a gate frozen into the ground. I was unable to budge it although I could rock it back and forth. I need to time my next attempt with a thaw. Or get permission to approach that field from the other side.

That did nothing to spoil the ride though. Leaving fresh tracks in 6-7 inches of snow is special. And our return trip gave me the opportunity to criss cross and doodle in the snow like I would with paper and pencil.

Then we went out for a trail ride, the usual local loop.

I played around with influencing his feet with my thought, like thinking/feeling the right hind stepping further under him for a leftward diagonal walking stride or two, and played around with breathing the upward transitions and seeing if I can feel the change of rhythm first then follow up with the usual aids to bring us to trotting together. Some success. I am remembering to have patience and expect changes not perfection today.

PT in the saddle? Well, more than that really. Adventures in awareness... I was letting Soli swing my body. Soli is a short, stocky Haflinger, built like a tank really. My first ride on him a few years ago left me hurting from the stretch and the movement! Now I can let him rock and roll me while I put my attention on the swing and drop of my hips, and the swing of my shoulders, and the timing of the two. Then I remembered the front of my shoulders, and realized that I tend to be aware of my back, and so I let my awareness passively include the front of my body. It was something hard to put into words, but a feeling of a whole body, back front sides -- all my skin as one flexible three dimensional magnificent living sensing organ...

So, not just PT, but also meditation in motion.

Floating teeth

The equine precision floater was here yesterday. Five of the six horses were due for dental work. I wait for this man to come to Vermont because he has done well and I like his approach -- no power tools, no speculum. Builds on the cooperation with the horse to get this done.

Things went easily with four horses. And I'd hoped it would go well with Sofia.

It went better than before, but not well enough for her teeth to be floated. We agreed that next time I will have the vet here to give her some sedation. She responds well to a little sedation (based on when she had her wolf teeth extracted) and she needs to have her teeth done. I have other options like having a vet do her teeth but so far, I like what this man has been doing.

Although he hasn't figured out the effective feel with this particular horse. And it frustrates him.

The challenging thing is not to be frustrated with this horse as that breaks the connection of her trust or something. She has little tolerance for frustrated human energy. My successes with her mouth have been due to my ability to remember to offer 'centered softness' from within myself. She responds well to that. Hey, what a good human trainer she is -- these are qualities I want to have in my life and indeed, without accessing the best of myself, I ain't going no where with this mare's mouth!

But the floater got frustrated for awhile. I think he saw that in himself this time better than he has before. I am challenged to support and even defend my horse while maintaining a supportive and grateful relationship with the professional. Tricky business! It is easy to blame the horse, it is also easy to blame me. I would prefer he blame me, although I have made progress with this mare, both in her allowing me in her mouth and in understanding what she needs in order to feel OK about something happening that she would rather avoid.

She can avoid with me quite easily. Just watch how quickly she raises her head! I realized later, after my success a few days ago with her mouth, that I was really at a disadvantage and she was really helping me out: I was standing downhill from her. Go figure!

The floater didn't see how it might help Sofia understand what he wants by my using a floating tool with her then his using it. I think it is a way she would understand what he wants, building in tiny little steps from one thing she is OK with to another thing we want her to be OK with.

He did check inside her mouth with his fingers and that is what he acknowledged as progress. That and her softer eye, more relaxed demeanor. Definitely progress from the last visit.

We talked a bit about whether she was afraid or not. He was convinced she was not afraid, that it was an "attitude". I voiced my perspective that even though she shows behaviors we might call avoidant, angry, defensive, that underneath those feelings lie her fear and her lack of understanding of what she is being asked to do. I asked questions to better understand what "attitude" means to him, as well as to understand how he would change his approach depending on whether she was a scared horse or a horse with an "attitude". I think he referred to spending time together getting clear about who is boss.

Gosh, if bossing this horse around was the answer, we would have solved this dilemma already! I'm grateful she allows me to do what I already can do with her!

I will keep up with the fingers and floating tool in her mouth, and follow through with my agreement to have the vet here next time the floater comes to Vermont. Sofia is OK, and will be more OK. But not through force or intimidation. No thank you, say both of us!

Blending, and finding the "we"

Blending means a couple of things to me.

Until recently when I talked of blending, I talked about 'getting with the horse'. That could actually entail walking with him, mimicking his footsteps, following him around like he and I were a herd. When a horse is not so interested in tuning in to me, this seems to help. I tune in to him and at some point, he feels together with me enough to tune into me in return. I might blend/follow the horse when he trots off instead of chasing him or standing there -- matching tempo and rhythm even if I don't cover as much ground as the horse. At some point, it starts feeling different and I can experiment with initiating something -- a turn, a change in gait, a look in one direction... and the horse will reflect what I'm doing or my energy level.

Recently in a clinic with Mark Rashid, I was exposed to a new meaning for blending. And I am new to this so I may explain it much better in the future when hopefully I personally know more about this blending. I understand it comes from Aikido, and research on google revealed the essay on Page 7 of this webpage (http://www.aikidoinstitute.org/kiai/kiai_vi_1_30_year.pdf) which helped me formulate in my mind what I want to say. Blending is physical and mental. It is being centered and open to others' ideas and movement, possibly being influenced but not losing my center. Blending happens for example when in Aikido one falls to the mat and staying centered, controls the fall and blends with the mat. Because I fell on the ice today, I think I know just what that feels like -- I was not hurt in the fall, not embarrassed or mad, not blaming or bruised. I simply fell and got up.

I am eager to learn more about blending because Mark applies this with horses (and from his report, all of his life) and that is my prime interest! Theoretically I get the idea, but in action, unsure of what I'm doing. An example, my horse raises his head when I go to check his teeth, instead of my prior practice of asking him to lower his head and 'help me out', I move my hands with his head with a little bit more energy than he is using, and when I feel him bringing his head down, I go with that and proceed with the teeth checking. There is a 'going with' aspect that I like and although I feel awkward at times, it seems to make a difference in that I'm not in a correcting or adjusting frame of mind, just in a being with the horse and what he's doing and also waiting for an opening when he is quiet and present and ready.

This afternoon I was with my young mare Sofia. She became greatly reluctant to have anyone in her mouth after I let a vet administer a tube of antibiotic. He was hurried and didn't know to wait for her to be ready. It was forceful, she was confused and upset, and if I had known it was going to be like that, I would not have allowed it. But I did and she was quick to create a limit about anyone near or in her mouth.

Because this has created trouble for the equine teeth floater, I have now and then spent time with Sofia focused on her feeling better about my fingers near and in her mouth, and also accepting a floating tool in her mouth.

My plan today was to help her feel OK about a floating tool in her mouth without any tasty distraction/incentive -- molasses worked well in the past but I'm commited to a purist idea that I potentially can do this with feel.

I kept returning to the thought of softening while I was with her, and I kept returning to my effort to slip the tool into her mouth and move it into position for contact with her teeth. We did it. I have to say "we" because if this mare doesn't want to do something, it ain't gonna happen. She had to feel OK about it or else all she has to do is raise her head. She is taller than me and quickly can move out of my reach.

So I remembered to find softness time and time again. I breathed consciously. I noticed when she was soft and ready for my next try. We did it. I was able to insert the tool and scrape on her teeth on each side. I was soft. She was soft. The struggle of the past was replaced by softness shared by us. It was remarkably easy. I think this was in the realm of blending. I got a sense of the 'we' feeling -- different from the feeling of me and her even when I'm being kind and thoughtful.

Next week I will observe an Aikido class for the first time. I am eager to start training -- curious about all the wonders ahead of me. Already I will say the changes in me are filtering pleasantly into my marriage -- finding the "we" even as our individuation is clearer and clearer.

In re-reading what I've just written, I wonder if the blending I have been doing is perceived by the horse as the blending I'm just learning about. My prior concept of blending has been about me and horse. My new concept of blending is about meandhorse.

Keeping the circle round on the ground

I was playing around at dusk yesterday. Gosh, the earlier descending darkness surprised me! Rusty was my play partner and thinking about it this morning, there are some new things I experimented with.

While circling and furthering our experience of me asking with most subtle cues before going to larger behaviors, I put my attention again to asking with my imaginery change of gait. I was more successful but I guess I expected to be even more successful than I was. That might fall under the category of greed, however no 'might' about this: it falls under the category of expecting rather than being there nonjudgmentally with what is. Yeah, I did some nonjudgmental, too, but it's remarkable the pressure I bring by expecting more than the more I am already getting. I am appropriately proud (is that an oxymoron?) that I did not create discord by putting so much pressure on Rusty with my expectations of more-more.

Run-on sentences. Sorry. I am eager to put these things down in words -- lots happened yesterday.

OK, so I was playing around with transitions again and they were better. I started focusing (hmm, too many things I was trying to address?) on the roundness of our circle, or the lack of roundness. I did my usual of sort of thrusting my hips out into the space between us in my apparently ineffective attempt to own that space so he would stay out at a consistent distance and not cut through, followed by arms and end of rein flopping or flailing in his direction. I really should get someone to video tape me though I'm not sure I could tolerate seeing exactly how ridiculous I can look doing ground work with this horse!

Because I am intent on developing more intrinsic communication with my horses, I started thinking, what else can I do? And up from my memory popped the idea of my personal bubble of space -- this time the bubble was more the consistency of (anyone remember this stuff?) the sort of rubber cement bubble material -- came in a little tube with a straw, take a small blob and put it on the end of the straw and blow really, really hard but created a stiff bubble? Anyway, I had this bubble around me, the radius set by the distance that I wanted between us on the circle, and then I sort of put some extra stiffness in the bubble material as we approached the arc of the circle where Rusty wanted to take his short cut to sort of prevent him coming into the bubble. This helped!

Then I resumed my focus on walk trot transitions. I was playing around with exhaling for the transitions and mentally creating a space ahead of us that he could trot into. I felt my previous focus on lights eminating from my shoulders and hips wasn't working well, mostly it was a lot to keep track of mentally -- maybe that is why it didn't work as I couldn't keep track of the imagery and keep connected with Rusty. Yeah, that's it. It became more of a 'doing' thing than a 'being' thing, which doesn't work for me or for Rusty. Now I recall Mark telling a rider to try one new image at a time... I need to remember that.

There I was trying out all sorts of exhales! In hindsight, I was probably jumping from one to the next to the next and not giving us time to be connected and see his response. I wasn't seeing enough so tried something else. Hmm, this same theme again...

Mark Rashid had mentioned a few different ways of exhaling while working with one rider at the October clinic, so I tried those and some more -- tongue up on the roof of my mouth when I exhale, tongue on the floor of my mouth, stiff tongue, loose tongue, slow steady exhale of breath, quick single burst of an exhale, quick series of exhales, exhales in time with each foot pushing off... and more.

I do need to try this again in slow motion. It was almost dark by then and I had some of my "I want it to work darnitall" determination going. Pushy of me!

Then it occurred to me to tune into his hind legs for the transition. Now that made a difference. Both tuning into his hind legs and sort of imagining I was inside his center, or my center was connected with his center, but it wasn't such an intense thinking deal like the lights from my shoulders and hips thing, it was more a ... hmm, a softer thing (wow, realization in hindsight!) of me looking at him with soft eyes (concept ala Sally Swift) -- looking at his hinds and feeling them start to thrust more, and looking at his core area and feeling him loosen and stretch out into a relaxed forward trot.

It happened!!

I want to remember what really worked, to integrate this. It was not the specifics of what I did, but the quality and clarity and the connectedness that I allowed accidentally -- and from now on I want to allow that on purpose!

The other new thing was asking Rusty to jump over some blue plastic 55 gallon drums like I saw TH do at the clinic (and yes, have seen on TV, too). Rusty is sooo ready to leap! More on that at another time. I do hope I can ride with Kathleen Lindley next June when she comes to New Hampshire!

ADDENDUM: More thinking about the bubble of space, and wondering how to have a bubble of space around me while having a bubble of space that encompasses both me and my horse...

Stiff horse...

A new blogging colleague (Hi VC!) has asked for suggestions with how to help her young mare loosen up. She has recovered from Lyme disease and is still stiff in her hindquarters, noticably not reaching enough with her hinds at the trot. I will share a few thoughts about what I might do...

First of all, I would check my own body for stiffness. Even in groundwork, stiffness in my body will be reflected by my horse. There are numerous ways to release stiffness -- sometimes a good walk across uneven terrain will do wonders, as well as yoga and other approaches to stretching and strengthening around all the joints...

Second of all, I would check that her feet are feeling fine. Anything systemic -- illness and/or treatment for illness -- can affect the health of the feet. If the feet are uncomfortable, the rest of the body ain't gonna move well.

I like backing up for many things, especially for strengthening the hind end. Backing up softly, on the flat, on an incline. The soft part is important so start with developing the feel for a back up that feels like you are touching a glider or moving an ounce of nothing on a well oiled surface of ball bearings. Smooth, easy, weightless. Get that feeling on the flat before asking on an incline.

Cavelettis will help a horse reach with fronts and hinds. To be precise, you can trot her on a freshly raked surface then measure her stride and set up the cavelettis accordingly. If she's not used to moving over them, I would start with the poles set at her stride length, and once she's used to them, spread them an inch at a time.

I also like visualizing how I want my horse to move. This requires good observation skills then to see if the horse is making the change you are visualizing. I don't expect these changes to persist at first, but over time they will become more like habit. Assuming I don't drill or otherwise overdo the effort expected. Also assuming I release my horse for making an honest try, for making a change in the direction I'm looking for. I might start with picturing the inside hind reaching 3 inches further for one stride, or something like that.

Turns on the forehand are the lateral workout for the hindquarters, so a smooth, calm stepping over for a step or two or three may be helpful.

Of course massage and passive range of motion of the joints may also help. If there is a good chiropractic vet around, you might get some guidance from her or him how to do this.

Can you pony her out for a fun ride on some trails? If she's willing to walk, trot, canter, she may work some of the stiffness into good condition that way before she is also expected to carry the rider. If she has residual pain in her joints, she might benefit from some herbal pain relief for a week or more or less. I like a devil's claw liquid formula I get at the feed store. You might check with your vet if this is an OK idea after Lymes treatment.

If any readers of this blog have additonal thoughts about this, please share them!

Meandmyhorse

Another concept from Mark Rashid. And one that brings questions.

Mark pointed out to several riders that they were riding on their horse rather than riding with their horse. That they were on the movement, not in the movement.

I realize more and more (again thanks to Mark Rashid and his assistant Crissi) how some energy blocks and stiffness in my joints prevent me from moving with my horse. So to some degree even if my heart and mind are open to becoming this meandmyhorse unity, I wonder whether I can if my body is tight.

I also wonder, if my body is tight and/or energy is blocked, what part of tightness or defensiveness in my mind is that reflecting? Thank goodness this is a forever path of becoming soft. Not an either/or situation. And yes, today, to some degree I can choose defensiveness or softness. But the parameters of this softness I can choose is what will keep changing.

I already notice some differences in my horses, my keenest mirrors here at home. Little things (big things!) like when I reach for my horse through the reins, I can feel him there, responding back to me with a question, an openness: what now, my Friend?

And this is what I wanted from my clinic time with Mark. Something I never did verbalize at the clinic but which I clarified for myself before the clinic. I wanted to know how to change the feeling from Rusty when I ask him for something from 'what now?' to 'what now'?

Ok, so how do I express in two dimensional print media the difference between those two questions?! Maybe I don't. Maybe you can use your imagination to guess what I do not want and what I do want as respresented by those same two words but different feelings, different inflections, different tones of voice...

In any case, I got that from the clinic. And how did I get that? Probably by allowing Mark to direct me, and being open to the softness he brings to every horse, every rider, and aspires to bring to every moment -- every moment. And bringing home with me those memories and my commitment to softness as a way of life.

So, maybe right now I am still "me and my horse" but I am aware of something else, have memories from childhood riding that I know with full confidence I can recapture, no, that I can resume living, of being "meandmyhorse". And I'm actively pursuing increasing my energy flow and reducing the blocks, not just watiing for the magic to happen...

Waiting for the magic

Mark Rashid talked about this numerous times in the October clinics in New Hampshire last month. Waiting for the magic. Too many of us do that with our horses. We ask for something then wait for the horse to do it. We help the horse do something, then sit back and expect the horse to carry on with what we had asked. These are two examples of what I can think of that fit this 'waiting for the magic' idea.

He urged us to Create the Magic! Be the Magic!

What I took from this at the time, was keep staying present with my horse when I am handling or riding him. Again and again and again, be present and responsive, just as I want my horse to be. Oh yes, and soft. Offer softness first...

The magic is there, in fact it is here, now. But do I believe we can do magic together? Now? Or do I think/expect/assume that first we have to do X, Y, or Z before we're ready to become magical together?

Thanks to the influence of Mark and his current and past teaching assistants, I am changing how I am with my horses. I am practicing being how I want us to be. Practicing being soft, being present, practicing creating the attunement and connectedness I want, and even practicing assuming that state right now, rather than assuming we may achieve it later.

Some of it is a feeling state I intentionally will bring on, like feeling excited enough to burst into a canter heading out someplace. In fact we are in the arena, the same arena we've ridden in for the last few weeks of rifle hunting season. But that doesn't really matter! What matters is what feelings I nurture in my heart. When I feel eagerness and anticipation, I can create that magic for us. Perhaps what I'm doing is not creating it, but connecting with that magic where the horse already lives, and connecting without asking the horse to temper or dull out his intrinsic delight in being alive.

Of course part of MY journey of creating the magic includes directing the magical energy. *g* Not just sitting there and hoping for my horse to magically do what I want, but directing how the magic manifests, and of course directing with the most softness I know to offer today.

I have some notes from my clinic time about this 'waiting for the magic' concept. I will get those notes edited and up on my clinicnotes blog! Exactly when? Not sure. But I will...

Special horses

A woman I know took this picture recently and gave me permission to put it here on my blog. There is something deep in these horses that comes through the photo.

Bringing softness and body awareness to ground work

A friend who studies often with Mark Rashid wrote to me about body awareness and softening during ground work as well as while riding. It was good for me to start thinking about ground work with these added components.

I rode Kacee Saturday afternoon and did ground work with Rusty. I tend to avoid ground work with Rusty as I've worked out most things with him much better from the saddle. But, I admit, I always know that someday I'll figure it out in the ground work, too. I'm not one to skirt the issues, not for too long that is.

I re-started ground work with Rusty about a year and a half ago, after I had a bad fall off him and before I mounted after recovering. I was convinced at that point I was missing some things regarding reading where his mind is and what he is feeling, and was determined to find them on the ground before I got on him again. Self preservation -- I was hurting after that fall!

The most remarkable thing I recall from those days in the round pen was the day I was walking with him, at his hip. For whatever reason, we had never figured out how to walk together like that, and certainly never did anything where I was at a distance from him while he was moving around, like free lunging. With halter and lead rope, I could do quite a bit, but without, nada. In fact, we had gotten into some energetic conflicts with me swinging a rope in desperate hopes to either move him forward or back him off, and him on his hind feet, either challenging me in response or defending himself. Whatever the reason, not pretty, very scary, and yes, dangerous.

So, that day I was feeling safe enough to be at his hip, and we were together enough so I was successful at influencing him to walk on with me, following my feel for forward. I kept thinking about Harry Whitney's talking about doing things 'with' the horse (even at a distance), not 'to' the horse.

Our walking path changed directions (no, not magically -- simple due to the fact that Rusty was choosing our direction and I was happy enough to have chosen that we were both walking together someplace without any halter and lead involved. I found myself between Rusty's hip and the round pen panels. I had a worried thought that I might get hurt there, that Rusty might squash me into the panels. As I had that thought, Rusty's head came up and he froze, standing there holding his breath. I was startled by this, and at first it added to my worry, thinking oh my, what is he going to do now?! Then I had the realization that he was responding to my fearful thoughts.

It was an intense moment for me, seeing and accepting that I had caused him to worry about me being close, with my own worried thought. I realized that with my fear thought, I broke our connection, and that startled him, that worried him. I had disappeared as far as he was concerned -- our connection was gone, I had severed it with my fear.

I took a few deep breaths, stepped back behind his hip so I had no tangible reason to worry about the panels, and purposely made the effort to connect with Rusty again, and asked him to move on. He lowered his head and resumed walking and I walked along with him.

This was a turning point for us, with me realizing how my emotional state impacts his. I am still learning about this, during ground work and from the saddle. He continues to be my most awesome teacher.

Today I focused on walking and trotting with him on a long rein (an actual driving rein). I focused on asking in time with my exhale, and using my imagination -- my intention? -- to 'trot' in my energy even as I walked, wanting to influence Rusty to trot. I mostly had to use peripheral energy like exaggerated stride, moving my hand or arm, swinging the end of the rein, even tapping him with it a time or two, but over the course of our time together trying this, he was tuning in more and responding more. It was relatively pleasant, not terribly precise, and the success of having him trotting around at the end of the longer rein was a milestone for us.

I was also monitoring my shoulder openness and imagining the energy out from my shoulders as headlights which could rotate a little, left and right, spreading the cast of the light and creating a space for him to move into. So, wanting him to move to the right, the angle of the light coming from my shoulders would open and draw him into where the light was cast. Then I was playing around with a sense of opening my right hip after I noticed we had an easier time going to the left than the right, and I assumed it has to do with my right hip which I notice when riding tends to be further forward than my left hip. In fact, although I was feeling clumsy trying to get my right hip back and to the right while I walked around, Rusty did seem to move forward with more ease intermittently during my focused period of trying! I should try the headlights imagery next time, using the same idea for my hips as I do for my shoulders. As Mark Rashid said to me when he first helped me by identify the energy blocks in the front of my shoulders, it is not mechanical, I don't need to do anything mechanical to fix it, just bring light to the area, just bring awareness to this...

When Rusty and I were done, he stuck close to me, then I shooed him away so he would go roll. Which he did, then bucked and bounced around before coming back to me. I do love this horse!

Aikido

I came away from my first auditing experience of Mark Rashid wanting to study Aikido to get a better understanding of how to use that way of thinking and awareness and using one's body for horsemanship. The closest dojo is about two hours away. Learning from a video doesn't work because one practices with a partner.

I came away from my first riding clinic experience with Mark with a feel for some Aikido. I am more eager to learn more, but still inhibited from pursuing this by distance, travel time and cost. I understand I can start by learning to fall, and that is taught in many martial arts disciplines. Perhaps I can find that locally.

Meanwhile, the blending I got a feel for from Mark, that is something I hold in mind and apply to the best of my ability when I'm with the horses. I am trying to apply that feel with the cats, when I'm at dance lessons and need to guide a newer student. I seek to incorporate softness all the time. I like that as a personal goal. And will even try to be soft with myself when I fail to remember softness when feeling threatened, defensive, and in conflict...

It takes two to tango

I love to quote my parents. I used to squirm when they said these things but now I see they fit.

"It takes two to tango. "

I heard that a lot when my brother and I would fight. I really did believe my brother started those fights. I was convinced I was a victim. My parents' perspective was as above: it takes two to tango. If we were fighting, it is because we both were fighting.

Ever try to fight with someone who won't?

When it comes to fighting with horses, well, I have done that, and I may do it again, however in my place of best intentions, I will be doing other things, not fighting.

If I can keep my focus on what I am requesting, I can ignore whatever the horse does that some folks are calling "rude" -- unless it comes to my keeping myself safe. Those actions to keep myself safe are about maintaining my space, not about the horse and her space. This is a subtle difference but the horse knows. I need to just carry on with my plan. Focus on me, my space, my plan. Redirect those urges to be focusing on the horse...

To anyone who thinks a horse is "rude": please find a replacement for this "rude" idea. Aside from whether a horse is capable of behaving in rude ways, think about the energy that comes with a proclamation like that. If it's true they read our minds, read our intentions, then gee, our horses will feel the need to defend themselves when around people who call them rude. I have never heard a horse called "rude" in a moment of loving energy. So we toss out offensive energy and expect what? That the horse is going to be the first to offer kindness and understanding when we are in a lousy mood?

So why am I talking about fighting and rudeness today? A while back, a friend wrote about her horse crowding her, and used the word "rude" to describe the horse. I got thinking about that word as well as about what we can do instead of fighting with our horses.

I got thinking it's better to find a way to direct the horse before... BEFORE... the horse comes too close for comfort. That is being a leader. That is being proactive. That we should do without fear or anger, without remembering that we ever felt threatened by the horse before. Simply do it, direct. And the horse will respond with 'fine, I can do that'. It is so important to be emotionally neutral! I can't emphasize this enough.

I never had success with any sort of after-the-fact stuff with my most challenging horse. If he did something, I was already late. He has been teaching me about awareness and timing and attunement. He freezes up inside when I tense. He gets defensive when I feel worried, unsure, threatened, not just when I feel angry.

These horses offer us such incredible opportunities to become better animals. The challenging ones really do 'right size' us -- time and time again if you're a slow learner like I am.

I reiterate my admonition that folks find a replacement word for "rude". Rude sounds like the horse is doing something bad. Not. The horse is doing something horsey. That's all. It feels unsafe for sure. But the horse feels unsafe or else it wouldn't be acting that way. Look for ways to help the horse feel safe around you. No more reacting -- that is a lofty but valuable goal. Some horses know from their own past experiences that reactive humans are dangerous. I'm not saying anyone is dangerous. But the horse views us as such if they are emotionally aroused and feeling threatened, and the handler or owner is in the best position to help change the horse's mind about humans. Every time we see and interact with a horse. Every time.

Routines and more

Someone wrote about their routine with their new horse, wondering about why the horse runs away unless she lures the horse with feed.

I asked, "Are you ever inclined to do something spontaneous, lively, and fun... with your horse?"

Novelty is an interesting concept. I know I can tend to be repetitious and predictable, and for sure that has value. If I never did the same thing around the horses, they would be on edge every time I showed up. I don't want them totally dull to my presence, nor do I want them on edge.

There is some flexible and changing middle ground. I'd like my horses to overall trust that I'm going to help them out if needed, but not to assume that they know all the time what specifically I'm going to do. Although I imagine from their point of view I'm pretty darned predictable.

This same person said sometimes she used grain to catch the horse but she knew that was a no-no.

My response:

I hope that as time goes on, you will feel more and more comfortable deciding for yourself what you want or don't want to do. There are really NO "no no"s with horses. What works is what works. Sure, you can get some great ideas from us other folks, but in truth, you have a unique relationship with your horse, and what works for you two is what works for you two, not what works for me or someone else. Well, of course there are some things that work for all of us, but not everything and certainly not all the time.

She went on to say she'd read an article that said she should make her horse run away when the horse showed signs of running away, so the horse would think running away was her idea and not the horse's.

My response:

Actually just the opposite is what seems to work for me -- set it up so she thinks that coming to you is HER idea. I'd leave the running away from you out of it. It might mean approaching her with great caution for awhile, sensing when she's thinking about leaving, before she leaves, and then backing off a bit (taking a few steps backwards, looking away, for example) and seeing if she can stay there and not act on her thought to leave.

I have a horse I love a lot, but her former owner used to make her move away when in fact he wanted to catch her. So she thinks when I show up, she should start moving away from me. At times when I've been really clear that I want her to stand and let me approach or that I want her to come toward me, well, she's fine with that except for some residual confusion about what people want -- you want me to run away, right? No? Are you sure you don't want me to run away?

This woman also shared her frustration when she goes to get a bucket of feed in order to catch her horse. My thoughts about that:

That frustration can get in the way of enjoying your time together! Then it gets complicated with her memory of how it feels to be near you... Have you noticed how horses will hang out with those who are most mellow? They like to feel good! So if a horse or a human is being pesty, annoying, uptight, etc., they ain't gonna want to hang there!

The writer went on to share her worries about getting into a dangerous situation being out among the larger herd where her horse lives. My response:

What a great opportunity to develop your clarity about what you want and from what horse. The horses are capable of understanding that you want that bay to stand there and those two chestnuts to back off a few steps and that grey to stand there while you walk through them on your way to your mare... Maybe not today but consider the possibility -- wouldn't it be fun to be that clear and have that much presence around the horses that they paid attention with interest and respect, not out of fear or disregard?

Then she spoke about how the mare is bad -- she raises her head when asked to canter or gallop. My response:

There are some simple exercises that you could do at the walk, and when it's really clear she understands and responds easily, then try them at a trot, and when it's good there, then try at the canter. Something like ride on a loose rein at the walk and pick up the left rein and gently ask for a left circle, and look/feel for her to give to that rein and that might look like her head lowers a bit, her body curves in the direction you've asked, her breathing gets fuller and calmer, she might sigh or lick and chew or gently blow air... Then ask with the other rein, nice and easy, and wait for her to respond with calmness and relaxation.

This will set the foundation for her to understand that when you pick up in that certain way with one rein, she can start a little bend/arc/circle and relax...

The writer told us that the previous owners rode this mare with a tie down and she has scars on her face from it. My comments:

Poor mare. I'm glad to hear you are trying to communicate through the reins in a way that doesn't require you to constrict and hurt her. It's her mind you want to influence! and if you keep that in mind (no pun intended), you'll find her starting to look for meaning when you ask for this or that. It may take longer with her because she's already confirmed in her expectations of people, but she can change, I assure you that.

She then described this mare as a cat on a hot tin roof, ready to blast off at the slightest request. Reportedly she hates to walk slow, prefers to do a very prancy walk. My response:

I'm not convinced any horse really PREFERS being wound up like that. You will come to be a very special person to her if you develop ways to help her relax around you. Some of this is easiest learned with a horsemanship coach/instructor right there, and any time you hire someone, be sure to interview them, get recommendations from folks you know and trust, watch the person train or ride or teach so that you know ahead of time you are comfortable entrusting YOUR learning process and your HORSE's learning process in that person's hands.

This writer ended by telling us she wants to help her become the horse she can be. This horse is eager to please and does most anything asked, with the exception of the issues mentioned above. My response:

Your good intentions are clear. Sometimes we humans have to spend time struggling to get something, to understand it better and become more effective with what we do. That struggle itself adds value to the answers we find. Remember that our horses go through the same process -- needing time and our patience to figure things out. She may be struggling a lot mentally as you seem to offer her something very different from what she came to expect from people. I wish you the best.

Teaching again

(From an entry started Sept 29th.)

I taught my first lesson today since I was injured. Well, first lesson outside of my teaching days (daze!) at High Horses Therapeutic Riding Program. Those days I would do my best to show up and perform my duties. I managed fine and found out how much help the volunteers can offer. I do miss being free to walk, trot, canter myself, and certainly miss riding!

I'm especially intent on adjusting my teaching style to meet the needs of my students. I think did OK today. I kept checking in about what I was doing and if it made sense and did the student want to try it now. This student preferred to watch and will experiment later without anyone watching. This is fine. I have no need to check if the ideas I presented are 'accurately' interpreted. Hopefully I have influenced this student in a way that enhances the horse/human relationships there at home. That is most important to me.

I do wonder about my need for feedback, for affirmation that what I offer is meaningful and making a difference. I see that things are working in some group lessons I do on a weekly basis. I can't decide whether it is a useful trait or not, that I tend to be oblivious to whether my sharing/teaching is benefitting others or not. I get lost in the moment, am very aware of how a horse is responding, but I'd like to have the same awareness and skills with people as with horses. A funny thing for me to say, as before I always considered my people skills superior to my horse skills.

Horses tend to be easy to read though. Not the same ability to cover some inner workings with sophisticated defenses as us humans have. I do keep remembering that when I perceive some barrier to receiving from me, I have that same tendency! And when I remember this, it gives me a chance to connect with the person rather than disconnect behind some judgments.

Horses, horses, horses!

Bo being ridden

This is from a few months ago. I should get some recent shots as he put on some weight this summer and looks just about pony-plump, and gorgeous of course. (Did I post this picture before?) I'm riding in a Torsion treeless saddle, it seems the best fit for Bo. I do not own a pony specific saddle and he would qualify for one. I am about 5'3" so you can judge the proportions and what he can carry. He is for sale to the right person. You can see the slack in my reins -- he was quick to understand the feel of the reins this way and this is the amount of contact I need with him most of the time. When he is paying attention, he will turn or stop with this much slack in the reins. I'm liking this a lot! And so is he.

Here, Kitty, Kitty, Kitty

This probably belongs on my farm blog but it is about the barn so that is about my relationship with horses. *g*

We have barn cats. Some we have purchased, some have been given to us, and some show up unannounced on their own accord.

For quite awhile I was aware that the dry cat food I leave out for our latest barn cat seems to be eaten faster than she could consume. So I assume we have visiting cats from nearby homes. I've seen some come and go. They are smart and know where the free lunches are!

The other evening I had my camera handy when one of the prettiest kitties I've ever seen was lurking around on the porch when RNB and I came home from dancing. What a fine and healthy looking kitty!




Ok, so it's not a kitty. I sure do think how soft it would feel to stroke its silky coat!

A few days after I took this picture, the dear thing was resting quietly in one of the have-a-heart traps we set out in hopes of diminishing the local rat population (we make ongoing trap and relocation efforts). This "kitty" is now relocated to an unidentified rural area. Interesting, just after I found the trapped kitty, I saw another gorgeous kitty slinking under the stairway to the hay loft! Wow, this kitty, also black and white, had a hugely wide white stripe. Oh so pretty! Nature is pretty amazing.

Anyway, I set out another trap, hoping to have the opportunity to relocate this other kitty and indeed, it has been trapped and set free elsewhere. I took pictures of this one while in the cage.




I love their claws!




Phew. All unwanted kitties gone from the barn. I'm still waiting for the lingering fragrance of some partial scent releases to dissipate. These sprays were not related to being trapped -- they happened before and had confirmed via my senses that indeed there were visitors in the barn!

How surprised was I to find the cat food dish knocked over on the floor again -- yikes! Sign of more of these kitties!! Do we have an entire family in residence?? I'm waiting for another black and white delight in my trap!

Riza now and then

Once upon a time, I bought two horses off the internet. They were considered PMU mares, on sale when many Canadian ranches lost their contracts with a big company that produces (not as much as before but still in the business) premarin, a hormone replacement derived from PREgnant MARes' urINe.

One of these mares is my Sofia, who in fact was a two year old filly when I got her. Destined to be bred in the spring as a coming three year old, she was already branded as is customary, but never was bred. From her intense heat displays, I would say she regrets the loss of that part of her former future job duties.

The other mare is Kelly, a then 10 year old Morgan-looking likely quarter horse pregnant mare. Riza (Thread of the Mill New Horizons) was her foal, born in Maine and sold after weaning to some folks who were looking forward to a lifetime relationship with this sweet youngster. I have heard that their horse farm dreams are greatly modified by the harsh realities of running a boarding facility, and are seeking to sell Riza, now three and ready for saddle training.

Where Kelly was super cautious about everything new and human, Riza is calm and accepting about everything. I am writing all this because perhaps someone who reads this blog is looking for a young, sane, even tempered well built quarter horse. She is described as great with being handled, sturdy built with a short back. She has been ponied on the trails and enjoys that. If I can help her connect with her next home, that would be sweet.


Kelly and day old Riza



Riza a little older



Riza recently as a three year old

I am grateful

I am grateful to have no broken bones.

I am grateful I did not blame the horse.

I wish like anything that I would follow my own advice.

Just yesterday I wrote a friend reminding her to keep an eye on being on the wrong side of a horse. What I meant by that was if you are standing next to a more fearful horse and beyond that horse is a more assertive horse, the more fearful one may collide with you while getting away from the more assertive horse.

Basic message: keep an eye on what is going on at all times.

I failed to do that today. OUCH!

The circumstances were a little different. I was letting horses out from one paddock into another paddock. Kacee went first and Rusty followed but stopped. What I failed to adequately register was that Bo was next in line for coming through the gate. When I touched Rusty to ask him to keep moving, he kicked. He kicked me. So fast I still cannot fathom that I have two separate injuries. What would I do differently next time? CHECK IN WITH EYE CONTACT BEFORE GETTING CLOSE ENOUGH TO TOUCH HIM.

I literally howled for about three minutes once I caught my breath, before I could move. I was assessing while I howled that I could indeed take deep breaths. No ribs broken. Bo and Sofia were concerned and hung out near me. Rusty and Kacee have weathered my emotions before and hardly looked up from the hay crib.

After I finished what I needed to do with the horses and went inside, I started shaking uncontrollably. And crying. And more howling. Incredible what the body will do when given permission. I let go of my thoughts about what happened and let my body have its say.

Soon enough I took Arnica, applied Traumeel, iced the injuries, palpated them, phoned RNB to tell him we would not be dancing this evening, and after more shaking and tears, bundled up in a down comforter and fell asleep.

Please, please, please -- pay attention when you are around horses.

I am so incredibly grateful I have no broken bones. Yes, this has made me change my plans for the day and perhaps for another few days, but I feel better than I did at noon, empty emotionally and solid though hurting physically.

More blending

The herd is blending more and more. I love going out and seeing Bo hanging out with Soli, and Sofia hanging out with Prince. What a change from 8-9 months ago when Bo arrived and was so incredibly worried about all the horses. Even a few months ago he was aggressively keeping Sofia way from the others, and running off anyone he could who ventured close. That did result in some missing hide when he and Rusty sparred over the mares. I have yet to see those two engaged in mutual grooming, but Rusty lets Bo hang with Kacee, and even when the two stud muffins come face to face with some alarm life coursing through their veins, it ends with a minimal squeal if even that. Quiet life here is a treat!

Soli, dear old Haflinger, continues to think his space includes my space, despite my obviously ineffectual but frequent efforts at changing his mind.

Rusty and I have enjoyed some trail ride times, and Kacee and I are building toward that freedom to go anywhere that I'm finding with Rusty these days. This is why I have horses -- to go enjoy a trail ride!

My fall schedule is getting settled enough so I can ride more predictably again. I used to feel ambivalent about how much I rode because so many rides were quasi torture! Now that they are enjoyable adventures, I miss it when I go a few days without riding.

I'm teaching more this fall than before. My commitment to High Horses covers much of two days now -- one day for therapeutic riding lessons, and one day for teaching able bodied volunteers in the Horse Exercise Program. I love both aspects of my work there -- the mix of focusing on the special needs of the riders, and focusing on the special needs of the horses.

Another clinic with Joe and Rusty

Three days with Joe Wolter and horses and friends here in Vermont. Wonderful weather. And I got what I wanted: confidence in my ability to go for a trail ride alone with Rusty.

The little things I've heard over and over, fell into place. If the horse is worried, help him get away. That was a breakthrough for me. Experiencing what that "help him get away" is in actuality. Feeling the first moment of "horse is worried." Putting those together with my overall take from this clinic, and there we were, out in the woods and across fields and through the creek, together and having fun.

Overall meaningful concept from the clinic: a new meaning for 'release him for the thought'. Set it up so he finds zero pressure when he gets with your idea. So it is not just about placing the feet and arranging the body that will bring him release from pressure. It is not just about changing his emotional state that will bring him release from pressure. It is about all of it -- his mind, his listening, his readiness, his body -- all of it ready and there with you, on the edge waiting to go or stop, that is where he finds zero pressure.

I am so pleased to have had enough help over the weekend and over the summer and over this past year and over these past ten years, to have gotten to where I am today.

Rusty was at the clinic with me. I gained confidence in my ability to bring him back to me when his mind went phalooey off some place else. And I was present and aware to give him release for settling back and being available with me again. This morning I rode Kacee and used the same finer-tuned skills and awareness for our trail ride. Not just out there and back, but doing things along the way to invite her back to me when she mentally drifted.

Sunday while others worked on this and that in the ring, I prepared to head out alone with Rusty for a trail ride. I can still hear Joe: "Just go ride!"

Rusty and his mouth

Rusty has been particular about his mouth. With his need to have his teeth floated and my commitment to developing understanding and cooperation rather than using sedation and restraints, several unproductive visits from the equine floater left us all wondering if this visit would be successful or not.

Things I had done to prepare Rusty:

1) My fingers in his mouth, frequently to rub gums, touch tongue, scrape plague off his canine teeth with my finger nails.

2) Other people's fingers in his mouth -- I involved two friends in the past few months.

3) Foreign object in his mouth:
a) bits -- I've worked at my timing and feel so the bridling process goes better.
b) toothbrush -- using the soft bristles to rub his gums, and using the rubber handle to explore up where his molars are and let him chew if he wants.
c) old floating rasp, borrowed from a friend, dipped in applesauce at first then molasses.

James Cormier Jr. came on Saturday morning. Unfortunately, our two horses that need floating the most are the two most reluctant when it comes to foreign objects in their mouths. He started with Sofia and made progress but not enough to actually float her teeth. He has done her teeth in the past, and since then I needed to have her wolf teeth surgically removed by the vet because their size prevented him from accessing her teeth. I had that done last month. James and I talked for awhile about how frustrating it is for him as he does have a wonderful feel and willingness to experiment in order to get connected with a horse and gain their trust. He floats without speculum or sedatives, so trust and cooperation are key to safety of all and the success of his doing a good job. Yet he comes to my farm and encounters two horses he cannot connect with out of thousands he can.

So second we try Rusty. We were, by prior decision, in the arena where either horse would not feel boxed in and could back up as far as they wanted in the process of checking out their options. Rusty pulled his head away. Rusty backed up. Rusty twisted his head away. Rusty threw his head around some more. It looked like prior visits even though I'd done considerable preparation in hopes of this going well.

I was about to suggest to James that he use a stern voice and tell Rusty to "cut it out" -- something that had worked for me at times -- just as James stepped back from Rusty and threw his hands out and up in a stance of pleading, and said in a very loud, very certain voice: Rusty, I have to do your teeth!

James took yet another deep breath and walked up to Rusty, put his rasp into Rusty's mouth, and proceeded to float his teeth while Rusty lowered his head and stood there.

James was floored. He was ecstatic. He grinned from ear to ear as he progressed with all the rasping that was needed, occasionally stopping to look over to me, shake his head, and say "I can't believe this!"

We may never know what really happened, but I'm guessing that when James got 100% adamantly clear about the need to do this, Rusty understood, no ifs, ands, or buts, it was time for his teeth to be done. And that was that.

It probably helped that I had brought some new, tasty experiences to his memory bank of what happens when people put foreign objects into his mouth. No, James did not sweeten his floating tools, but indeed Rusty's conviction about stuff in his mouth was changed from what I'd done the prior few days.

James is coming back in a few days to try Sofia again. I'm not proud. I'm not stubborn about my preference not to use sweets to engage a horse's cooperation. I am clear that I am introducing a pleasant experience in her mouth and offering her the opportunity to think differently. I know exactly when she made up her mind that people should not put foreign objects in her mouth and can forever regret allowing someone else to use some force to dose her. I hope to report in a few days that she successfully opened her mind (and her mouth) to the possibility that it could be a neutral if not pleasant experience for her to allow the floating to happen.

Softness

Softness is on my mind a lot recently. I question if I could write a few sentences or a few books and sufficiently describe what I am talking about in a way that someone else would get it through the words, versus if we were in the same room or the same barn and we could play around with it. I acknowledge Kathleen Lindley's influence via her book, In the Company of Horses: A Year on the Road with Horseman Mark Rashid,

But a few words I'll try anyway, and maybe it will encourage others to think about this important topic.

First of all, I need to be the one OFFERING softness before I even think about looking for it, asking for it, recognizing it! in the horse. That means I'm on constant self monitoring to be the most soft I can be right now, and then again right now, and then again, right now. On into infinity.

Secondly -- and this is not a sequential 'secondly' though it could be -- I consider softness a thing of the mind. Yes, we look to FEEL softness through our senses, but it starts long before our bodies do anything.

Sometimes it's easiest for me to think of softness as the quality of responsiveness between me and another being. So if I'm intent on discerning if my horse is soft right now, I would be attending to his response to my request. When my request is met by his response (not his reaction), we are soft together. It's not really experienced as me and him, it's experienced as us with perhaps me the leader (like a dance partner is a leader, NOT like a dictator is a leader or a boss is a leader). Softness is a readiness to be together with oneself and with another at the same time. A readiness AND the being together, either one and both aspects.

The concept of 'picking up a soft feel' in my mind is a way to invite a horse to be thinking about being soft with us. That might be the preparation for softness between us. But when the softness is present, there is no need to pick up a soft feel, because the softness is there when I use my mind and/or my body to convey a request to my attentive and responsive horse.

I am trying out these words today. I recently spent a weekend with two of my horses under the tutelage of Joe Wolter. Softness -- although he doesn't use that term regularly -- was exactly what we were wanting -- or having -- depending on any horse and rider combo.

Leading, following

RNB and I enjoy dancing. Recently we went to a "Mostly Waltz" evening of dancing. An instructor was there who started with the basics, including everyone learning both the leading and the following roles of a few basic waltz patterns. I took the opportunity to switch roles with RNB for a dance, and then practice leading as well as 'enjoy' my usual following role.

I was especially struck by these words of instruction (hmm, is that where the word "instructor" comes from?):

It is the responsibility of the leader to lead in a way that the follower needs to be led.

Why did this strike me so profoundly? Several reasons, one of which is that this applies to my horsemanship. It does not work if I am leading in a way that suits me but doesn't suit the horse.

I was surprised how hard it was to lead RNB in a way that he needed me to lead him. I wanted to lead how I wanted to lead -- actually to lead how I wanted to be led. That didn't work for him. It left him feeling frustrated, confused, and uncertain about how to follow. I sorted through my reactions to this -- including 'boy, this isn't any fun to lead him this way' and other angry and frustrated thoughts before I 'got it' -- and adjusted what I was doing so he felt good with my leading style. This did change and progress to something that felt closer to how I would lead if left to my own devises. I would hope that if we danced in reverse roles more often, we would come to an understanding of my leading cues that would allow much softer cues -- more response to intention -- than our achievement the other evening.

It very much reminded me of riding different horses. Naturally, I have my favorites and now can see that my preferences are based on being able to 'lead' in the style that comes most comfortably to me. I have had to develop flexibility in my leading/handling/riding styles in order to suit the various horses I handle and ride. Effort! Awareness! 'Work'!

And that amount of work sets the foundation for less work. The understanding between two beings develops over time so the messages from one are received and effectively put into appropriate action with less and less effort, with more and more subtlety.

Meanwhile, from all I've questioned, it is a prevalent gender difference that shows up around horses: women are culturally trained to be superb followers and struggle to grow into the leadership role. And horses need good leadership.