Stuttering in motion

I stutter.

As a child, my older brother stuttered. He struggled to control the verbal stuttering that accompanied many of his thought expressions. He went to therapy for it and now, many years later, I recall his stuttering only because I realized last night that I stutter.

It is apparent not in my talking, but in my moving.

I have been aware that I move through space with stops and starts, especially if there are many things on my mind and I'm passing by reminders of those things and I stop to do this then move then stop to do that then move and sometimes in the middle of doing Y, I remember I had started to do X and I stand there actually wavering back and forth, my body demonstrating the indecision of my mind regarding what to do now. Hesitations, pauses, backward steps, sharp turns to left or right...

I want to change this. I did change it after it was brought to my awareness last evening during class. But to be self aware in the rest of my life, that depends on me, not my teachers.

So I set myself a little challenge: move forward.

Already this morning I have stuttered a few times, and it was those moments which led to this challenge. Regardless of what my mind is doing -- wondering, doubting, changing plans -- I will move forward. If I am headed to get a scoop of feed for the chickens and remember that I can also bring a scoop of feed for the geese at the same time, instead of stopping dead in my tracks and turning around to go pick up a second scoop, I intend to move forward, perhaps circle back or perhaps continue with my initial plan, but whatever I do, I move forward.

I set myself another little challenge this morning: wash dishes with opposite hands.

I have the habit of holding a dirty dish in my right hand and holding the scrubby sponge in my left. This morning I changed that. AWKWARD! I hope making a small change like this will help with the left/right differences I felt when introduced to two basic escape techniques in class last night. In fact, doing the dishes like this helped my left shoulder be soft and relaxed -- I tend to hold that shoulder up and forward more than my right shoulder.

I suspect this imbalance I found so blatant last evening is part of why my horses tend to respond differently to me whether longing to the left or the right. Yes, I continue to be motivated to improve my effectiveness as a horseperson.