An unsung song

I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument while the song I came to sing remains unsung. -- Rabindranath Tagore


This quote reflects something that is starting to 'stare me in the face'. Because I/we need more cash flow, I have been job hunting. This region where I live offers little in my profession but now and then something gets posted and I apply. A job for which I've been called to interview is something I never thought I would do -- not only 'not my thing' but not feeling qualified.

I am challenging both those thoughts. For one, because of the value of increased cash flow right now, my interests are expanding. No, I am not applying for the Taco Bell job at the 'local' (50 minute drive each way) shopping area, but I am applying for social work jobs that specialize in areas I've never pursued.

The qualification aspect is another angle. I think it has to do more with my comfort zone than with my qualifications. I am pretty comfortable in my comfort zone, and the flip side, I have been very reluctant to venture outside my comfort zone professionally. Why?

Fear of failure basically. And until now, no need to venture far.

Funny that at a time when my life feels challenged to the gills already, I am feeling ready to take another challenge. Somehow my mind would say that when things are smooth, then I have room for a big challenge. Not so. Things were smooth, so let them stay that way. Maybe I'm feeling more confident and competent about handling the unusual because in fact, I feel like I'm living the unusual.

If you knew my history, you would wonder that I consider some of my current life so challenging and unusual. I have done some unusual things in the past. For me, living life in the same relationship, in the same community, amongst the same group of friends and acquaintances, paying the same bills month after month after month -- that was unusual. And now, is usual.

Two other thoughts about my underlying fears:

Fear of commitment -- to myself in a new role. What if I assume this new role and find it doesn't suit me? That would create a huge conflict with the parts of me that are loyal to commitments, that do not walk away without years of consideration.

Fear of success, and I think this is what the Tagore quote stimulates me to think about. I can practice, practice, practice. I can think about this job possibility and dismiss it in advance because I have limiting thoughts about who I would be in the job, how others would perceive me in the job, etc. etc. etc. Or, I can continue with the interview process, hope for the best in the immediate future and the long term future, and start singing a song that was growing roots before I moved to Vermont, perhaps start singing a song I have not yet hummed in my heart.

I am tearing up now, because this applies to my horsemanship and my ideas about teaching more, and all my limiting beliefs. It's not entirely about this job interview although this is creating an opening for me to see something deeper.

I wonder why I want to know how my song sounds before I ever open my mouth and release the music?

Perhaps more importantly I wonder if I will let that shift so I can simply start singing my song, whatever it is, in this realm of activities that not only might provide enjoyment but also can provide an inflow of energy -- cash or barter value.

Michael Phillips and others have said, 'follow your heart and the money will be there.' I need to release the doubts about knowing what my heart says. I really do know.