The Nightmare

No, not about a horse, not that sort of mare.

These are my notes written after I woke up from a nightmare. I was in Tennesse and it was the weekend break between two weeks of horsemanship camp.

Not the first time I've had this sort of nightmare -- though the content was new, the feeling was not. Uncovering some deep feelings and expectations has helped my horsemanship, strange as that may seem to some.

Nightmare last night. Crazy man with pipe wrench came out of nowhere when I was leading my horse somplace. I'd heard about him earlier in the dream -- someone who hurt women. I knew he was going to overpower me and hurt me, maybe kill me if I didn't get help, and that I had ONE chance to call out because he'd jump me once I did call out. (I've dreamt before about needing to call for help and nothing coming out of my mouth.)

I gathered all my energy and focus and put all my effort into the loudest "HELP" I could. I actually called out loud, woke myself up, woke up the others in the bunkhouse. Then went back to sleep.

Talking about it later with a friend, I started to cry. Fearful place. Relief place? Remembering the earlier repeated dreams and remembering Mom telling me about my older brother suffocating me with a pillow. They all tied together now. My deep fear of being overpowered, of dying, of not getting help, of being on the edge of giving up... (Repeat of birth experience, too? Nobody there when I feel like I"m dying and stuck?)

Remembering Harry Whitney's story of his fear of horses and how that has allowed him to know the fear that horses have. Remembering his wondering why so many people don't see how others feel inside.

I wonder if it's just this: if I'm blocking some fear in myself, then I can't see or empathize with that amount of fear in others. Fear -- a common denominator. It's real.