Intention through the reins

A friend asked me if there was anything I'd been working on prior to this latest clinic with Mark Rashid and Crissi McDonald that they helped me with.

Yes.

Sending intention through the reins is one thing I've been playing with. I got the feel of that last spring with Mark's help, actually Mark helped me feel this before last spring but I keep reviewing it. What I experienced this time is the connection from my center, not just the feeling in the reins. Hmm, my first experience was feeling this with my hands. Last spring, I recall it was feeling it through my hands and arms up into my torso. This time it was feeling it from my center, connecting through my torso, shoulders, arms, hands and with the horse. The parts become the one!

It really is 'doing things together' and it really is 'with a thought'.

So subject line is inaccurate. This is intention through connecting being to being. Reins aren't required.

And gosh oh golly, I really can't describe what I learned because it was experiential and required a knowing body/mind to demonstrate and guide a learning body/mind to find it. It's not that it's personal or private or anything. How would you describe the sound of the wind to someone who was born deaf? How would you describe the taste of a strawberry to someone without the sense of taste or smell? Maybe you know this, in which case I don't need to put words to it. I had heard about it and thought I knew what was being talked about. And partially experienced it in past clinics. I didn't know what I was missing except that my horses would reflect that togetherness in action was here and gone again.

Other things I've been working on? Using only the muscles needed and letting loose all other muscles. I'm making progress and learned clearly that I'm using my back muscles more than my core muscles (especially obvious when we canter), and using my back muscles even when I'm engaging my core muscles. So I'm bringing my awareness to that as often as I remember -- walking, sitting, riding, driving in the car, doing dishes, wherever I am, whatever I'm doing... My core muscles are a bit sore!

I also learned that when I was ground driving, I used my body for the turns to the right, and my left arm for my turns to the left. Oops! That was an easy fix. Then added to that using connection and intention and wow -- fluid transitions of rhythm and direction. Then I brought this to my riding on the last morning, on my been-there-done-that Morgan mare. She likes the new me!

A few gems from Mark Rashid

I have no extensive clinic notes to add to my clinicnotes blog, because I was busy being present and soaking in the learning.

However, a few notes I took during this past clinic time with Mark Rashid and Crissi McDonald:

If we can take the worry out of one thing, then maybe we can take the worry out of other things. Start with one job and show him how to do it.

We're looking for a frame of mind.

We'll miss the softness if we're correcting; we won't if we're directing.


On the funny end of things, Mark commented about the conversation happening between a rider and her horse as they were working through something. He said the rider said, "We're going to trot now" and the horse responded with, "I like flying saucers."

Sound like any conversations you've had with your horse?

I'm excited

Lately I have felt excited about each day, similar to how it felt as a child on Christmas morning, full of anticipation and certainty that wonderful surprises were soon.

I am also excited about my latest time with Mark Rashid and Crissi McDonald. And I am excited about the 2010 week-long clinics with them right here in New England. And I am excited about the possibility of a local Aikido for Horsemen workshop soon.

It is pre-dawn and I will enjoy the coming of the morning light on my journey to Thornton, NH and the start of another great day of horsemanship, personal growth, and friendship. How good can it get!

Riza is teaching me

I enjoy working with Riza. She has a quiet temperament, questions things without getting in a huff first, and lets me know when I am asking her to do something without my being personally involved and connected with her in the doing-it-together way.

If I think about sending her off in a circle aka lunging her, she pins her ears and tells me things are not right in the universe.

All I have to do is bring myself into connection with her again, thinking let's do this together, ok, here we go, and her ears pop forward, her eye relaxes, and off we go exploring my next request.

Awesome little gal. One day soon I will report that I am riding her. A little more understanding about the steering via ground driving aka long lining and we'll be ready to take on the next step of this adventure.

Excuses to not feel good

I get daily reminders from several sources. This morning's quote from Abraham-Hicks via Facebook is:

Tell everyone you know: "My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook." And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they're doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel -- and then, you'll love them all. Because the only reason you don't love them, is because you're using them as your excuse to not feel good.

--- Abraham


This quote reflects something I believe in deeply, and am practicing as often as I remember. And it reminds me of my horsemanship and my life journeys.

My time with horses and my time with family offer me the most opportunities to practice. Being human, I fail, succeed, fail, succeed, and over time am indeed developing deeper habits that harmonize with my ideals and convictions.

I recall -- with a mix of cringing and self-forgiveness -- times when I acted as if my horses were responsible for my feelings. If they didn't do what I thought they could do, I mistakenly thought it reflected on me as a person and a 'trainer' and a horse owner who promotes good horsemanship.

I recall -- with a mix of laughter and tears -- times when I acted as if my husband was responsible for my feelings.

Clearly my long term and short term memory are working. I fall into old habits with my husband too quickly, too easily, too recently! This quote is timely and I am making a poster version of it that will hang over my computer monitor where I will see it at least twice a day.

There is an abundance of excuses to not feel good. I am highly skilled in identifying and seeking the so-called comfort zone of living just behind those excuses. Letting go -- especially when 'I feel' that I've been wronged, misled, excluded -- is in fact as easy as noticing my reaction and choosing a more pleasant thought or assumption in place of the story that was aggravating me.

Perhaps the motivation to be safe around the horses is why I am more purposeful with them than in my human relationships. I have experience of being injured when I am careless around horses. Hmm, I am forgetting that I am living in a state of injury when I am careless around people. Poof! There goes another delusion! My Buddhist roots speak up now reminding me that we are all connected, and what I do, think, and feel affects me as well as others.

Today I will spend time with Rusty to see how well I can stay in my feel good place regardless of what he offers me. I am imagining a breakthrough with us today.

Dreams

I am resurrecting this from last winter as I've had some remarkable dreams recently. I like this one because of the punning. Some of my more recent and remembered dreams, though lively and meaningful, have been emotional nightmares, helping to surface some old pain kept hidden and alive by my unconscious thoughts and behaviors. I'm sure this dream from last winter is in the same category however the pain didn't wash over me like it did the past couple of weeks.

My notes about that dream: "Can't play, the kids are going to Israel..."

After waking, I wondered why I dreamt that the kids are going to Israel. I said this out loud a few times until I heard the meaning... Isreal, Isreal, Isreal... Is real!

It reflects that some of my internal reality is not playful, not fun. I can't play because my (inner) kids will be in reality.

I'm OK with that and grateful for the amazingly peaceful emptiness that comes after a release of the old, which is what happened recently. Like a knot deep in my belly is untied. Actually this recent knot was smack dab in the middle of my forehead, just above the space between my eyebrows. This knot is unravelling although I am fortunate to have periods when the whole knot feels loosened and ready to fully unravel.

Well, on second thought, I am not OK with the notion that play and getting real are mutually exclusive. Time to try out something different. Just imagine -- life with reality is full of play! I like this, and I bet my horses will, too!

Starting and starting over

I confess I've been spending my 'writing' time on Facebook. It meets some needs although leaves some other needs unmet. So here I am using an old familiar route for expressing myself.

Hello, Fellow Blogospheriacs!

I'm quite accustomed to being busy most of the time. To meet some financial needs, I am working more than I had been for some years, and working using my mental health professional expertise which is rewarding as I feel competent much of the time. I urge everyone to do things that bring the feeling of competence!

Which brings me to one of my horsey questions these days: how to help my horses feel competent when we are doing things together.





I have been spending time with Riza, 5 year old quarter horse cross. I take my time starting a young horse, and saddled her with my bulky, double girthed western saddle this summer for the first time. My other preparations for riding her include lunging then ground driving her. My next steps will be to ground drive her saddled up and down slopes and around the farm outside of the ring or round pen. I have done enough in containment to know she's understanding what I want which so far is walk, trot, turns at walk, turns at trot, stop, and back up. She has done some of this carrying a bit as well, and when I find her further along with steering, like at about 98% responsiveness to my intention, position, and/or reins, then I'll hook the reins to the bit and proceed with that piece of preparing her for riding.

I reviewed much of Mark Rashid's DVD called Ground Driving yesterday. I like his approach to horses, to people, to the progression of skill development.

It leaves me wondering where to start with my older horses who have not have the benefit of being started slowly and systematically with their responses and readiness kept in mind during the process. I did lunge then ground drive two of them recently. They seem to understand -- so now how to get to the comfort, sense of competence, and beyond. That 'beyond' in my book is called enthusiasm.

Of course, I have to ask myself, is it fair to want my horse to be more enthusiastic than I am? How much does fear arise in me when I start feeling my horse's enthusiasm? I have more to release from past scared-as-heck moments I've experienced, especially with one horse. He is the one that continues to puzzle me. Or should I say, my reactions and responses when I'm with him -- even though quite subtle! -- are the ones that continue to puzzle me?

I am developing more focus and discipline as that is about the only way I make time to get out there and do things with the horses. Getting Riza started is one priority, getting/keeping Kacee conditioned enough for her health and her availability to carry me on the occasional longer trail ride is another priority, and now I am adding this 'figuring things out with Rusty on the next levels' as another priority.

I have been reading Mark Rashid's latest book, Whole Heart, Whole Horse which I highly recommend, and do buy it from his website so he gets the $ benefits of sharing his wisdom with us.

He was talking about when we give our hearts completely, then the horse can give the whole of himself. I was thinking about the parts of my heart that I hold back from Rusty, and know that I will start there. Not inspecting the holdings but start with bringing my whole vulnerable heart to our contact and see what happens. I think I vacillate between 'here's my heart' and 'by the way, we're doing this now dammit'. I have been learning a lot from my therapeutic riding students in the past months. I can bring that same freshness and open-minded creativity to my time with Rusty. I'm directing our contact, but please show me what you know, how you learn, how much you can take in new stuff without feeling bored, anxious, or overwhelmed.

I think it's all about my slowing things down with my older horses, like Rusty, just as I do with my younger horses. Slow down, offer something, notice the response, and slow down again. All the while energetically moving forward with purpose.

Millie, the cat

I have been watching Millie decline rapidly over the past few days, and right now I am full of sorrow even though I say I'm ready for her to go. I watch myself continue to want to do something to make her comfortable, which of course assumes I know that she is not. Yesterday I was following the vet's recommendations to sub-Q hydrate her, plus I used a small syringe to get water into her mouth numerous times. I have only once forced water into her mouth today. She hasn't liked any of it. I could not continue but it's hard not to insist on water.

I know she's dying.

I had a conversation today with an animal communicator. Mostly I wanted to know if Millie is in pain. I also asked if there is anything she wanted me to know, or anything I could do for her to help her be comfortable. I was assured she is not in pain. That was most important for me to hear.

He mentioned something like cookies and cream, something black and white but he wasn't sure what. I didn't know what it could be, but just now, looking at where she lay down after I brought her upstairs thinking she might want to lay on the bed, I think I know what the black and white is. She is on a sheepskin throw rug, and our sheepskins are black and white. Or maybe it's the black and white kitty who sits outside on our porch most days?

I wish you well, Millie, and a smooth transition. And I wish you good hunting and companionship on the other side. You've been an awesome cat in my life, and I especially appreciate how well you've taken care of first Jake, and then Schumann. I can learn from you about offering nourishment to those in need, about protecting loved ones, and about setting clear boundaries when the play gets too rough. I can learn from you about dignity and independence, about the joy of eating, and about how simple it is to express preferences even if they are not honored.

Thank you, dear Millie. I will miss your pretty green eyes and your remarkable purr.

Ok, I will not miss your fidgeting with the bureau drawer at 6 am every morning even though it helped get me out of bed.

I love you, Millie.

Want an aprés spook calm-down cue?

Let me know when you find one that is spook proof!

I guess I'm looking at BEING in an ongoing calm-down state in all aspects of my life and my horsemanship. As much as I can be that and can bring that to my horse time, unmounted and mounted, it's been helping me have more awareness, more calm proactive directing of the horse's mind, and more confidence shared between me and the horse.

So I can't help with an aprés spook cue. I could chat about helping a horse look to us for guidance when something frightens it. And having that trust be a core element in the relationship, not just something I want to count on in certain circumstances. We can pair anything we want with a calm state as far as I can tell, by classical conditioning. I'm not sure though that we can count on a conditioned response when the adrenaline kicks in. I am certain we cannot count on much of anything when the cortisol kicks in. Like with us humans, the horse's thinking mind doesn't operate at that point.

So awareness of subtle changes in the horse become important for noticing that first instant of adrenaline, of the horse questioning something in the environment. That is one benefit of developing our awareness. Then ask the horse to get with us mentally again by doing something he knows how to do, like back up, turn, walk, trot, canter, gallop... We can work on having an understanding of direction and speed when life is calm(er) and (hopefully more) predictable like in the arena. I practice these in the arena and outside the arena, the whole ride, not just when something startles my horse. I want my presence and my asking for a little of this or a little of that to be an acceptable way of life with my horses.

I discovered today that as well as Sofia listens in the arena, we leave the arena to go to the barn -- something I usually do leading her not riding her -- and her mind went strongly to the barn even though I was still riding her. A big hole in our understanding, and I'm glad I found it today, and helped her let go of the barn thought and check in with me to see what I had in mind for us.

I will share that I'm one of those folks who rode a lot as a kid. That did seem to help me have a good feel for riding and sticking with some athletic horse moves, but it did not give me the skills and sensitivity I value learning and using today. I've come by these the normal old fashioned hard way -- get in trouble with a horse, want something better, seek something better, start learning something better, practice, practice, practice, make a kazillion mistakes, seek more of something better, practice, practice, practice. And so on.

I'd be riding a bicycle if I weren't so keen on figuring out relationships. Some of those extreme bicycle trails might be as hair raising as a ride on an insecure horse!

I had a choice when I realized I had bought a horse who was less trained than I knew how to deal with -- sell her and try again, or find out how to help her so I could enjoy the rides I had in mind when I bought her. It's a risky decision to learn about horses with a horse who needs more than we know how to give, but the rewards are awesome. And yes, I've come off a lot over the years of learning with that particular horse. Never her fault, always mine.

I think I'll go ride her this afternoon.

Fun x 4 days

That sums up my time with Mark Rashid, Crissi McDonald, and horsey friends. Yeah, there were a few moments of emotions other than joy and excitement, but very few. A nice change for me!

Rusty is my instant karma horse. He is with me 100% whether I like it or not. So if my mind goes out to something scary, Rusty is instantly scared. If my mind is focused right close when we canter, we barely move. If my mind goes out around the corner of the ring, Rusty carries me smoothly around the corner. If I am tight in my shoulders when I ask for something, Rusty is tight in his shoulders when he responds.


My mind goes to the dogs. Rusty's mind goes to the dogs. Look out, dogs!




So many learning opportunities about my accidental and my purposeful use of mind and intention.

Then there were the lessons in softness. Mark is a master at helping the human feel more softness. And once we feel it, we can recognize it and we can find our way back to it and offer it to our horses.




Boundaries.

Softness.

Imagining what we want -- speed, direction, destination, quality of how we go -- as the first 'cue'. Adding the mechanical cues if the horse needs additional help to come with us.

And much more.

Subtle guidance

I took this quote from some notes I took Sunday auditing a day of Mark's clinic time in New Hampshire.

** You have to feel what you want first, offer that, then use the aid if needed. **

Yesterday I played around with this because it really struck me as a missing piece of my how I can help my horses be successful with the things I ask of them.

How I interpreted this: when I'm wanting a transition using the rhythm and counting in my head, I have to first feel and count before I expect the horse to make the transition. I think I'd been a little unfair before.

An example from yesterday... walk trot transitions... I'm walking with a 1234 1234 going on in my head and body, then switch to 12 12 and by the third or fourth 12, I'm adding an aid if I need to. Amazing how well it worked! I managed some halt walk, walk halt, walk trot, trot walk, trot canter, canter trot, and walk canter transitions.

It helped me feel so successful being on my gelding, Rusty, who is super sensitive to me anyway. Then I did some of this (halt walk trot variations) with Sofia who has fewer wet saddle blankets in her history, and 'historically' I might have said her favorite speed is halt. I love it when my horses make me change my mind about who they are!

Great day it was, yesterday auditing and today playing around with some new ideas.

Question about aging and starting a new equine relationship

Recently someone was taking an informal survey, asking about middle aged riders who are "starting again with a new equine partner." I have a few thoughts to share.

There are three aspects of a new horse that come to mind right away. Mind, movement, survival instinct in action.

Until I am mentally and physically comfortable with those three, it worries me a little (or a lot in which case I don't mount) to ride a horse.

This can and does apply to the horses I own as well as horses new to me.

Mentally -- is the horse available mentally? Able to be calm? What does it understand? How does it respond? is the horse comfortable learning new things?

Physically -- can my body move with this horse's body? I have mostly ridden horses with smooth gaits and shorter strides so my body is not used to sitting the trot of a long strided larger horse. I bring that deficit however I'm working to change that, and "even at 61" I am making great progress primarily under the guidance of a physical therapist who is gifted beyond my imagination.

Survival Instinct -- how does this horse react when his/her survival is threatened? I came off my Morgan mare a few times before my body learned how to stay with her when she did her particular and habitual survival moves. It took a while to get familiar with my Morgan gelding's moves, mostly because I wasn't aware at the time of what he was doing because I was 'expecting' unconsciously in my body that he would move like she does. Not. I can ride with him now that I know his biggest, worst moves -- know these moves in my body, on a cellular level about which I need not think.

Of course at this point in my journey, I am seeking that mind-to-mind comfort before I ever mount, so that as long as I am paying attention to our relationship and responding responsibly with guidance in a calm fashion, those bigger moves should never surface. I'm getting better and better at judging what the horse needs from me before I even mount (and what I need from the horse), so that my rides are 'uneventful' compared to what I have expected, allowed, and experienced in the past.

I have 5 horses at home, one has never been ridden. I at times ride any of the 5-7 horses at the therapeutic riding program where I work as an instructor, volunteer trainer, and consultant to the horse herd coordinator. I'm approaching the older end of 'middle age' and am increasingly cautious because I hate hurting and being in any way incapacitated. That caution translates to more time on the ground establishing connection -- especially mentally with the horse, and physically with my own body. I'm pretty dedicated to a life time of getting better at what I love.

Openings

**If we leave the horse an opening, he’s going to go through it.**


This is something I got from auditing Mark Rashid yesterday. I find it especially useful for my training efforts with volunteer horse handlers/leaders in a therapeutic riding program. It can take all the emotion/personalization/etc. out of the equation.

The horse is not getting away with things, not taking advantage of us, none of that. The horse sees when we are not alert, attentive, and responsible in our leadership role, and the horse will do what is natural -- start leading by default. Someone in the 'herd' needs to be the leader.

Some of our TR horses have a pause, which is very useful for most lesson situations. Some of our horses have virtually no pause, so any millisecond of straying human attention results in the horse taking initiative. Not so good for a lesson setting!

That statement puts the onus back on us, as we humans are the ones leaving an opening. The horse isn't waiting around looking for one (well, in some cases I imagine a horse would be doing just that!), but a horse surely will go into an opening when we leave an opening.

One comment from a student yesterday was: the horse 'took advantage of me'... I helped her reframe that to: the horse 'took advantage of my inattentive moment.' Yes indeed, that is exactly what any horse will do. What great teachers they are! Today I felt like I was teaching a meditation class, well, co-teaching alongside the horses.

One friend added to my thinking by pointing out how we can consciously create an opening for the horse to move into, guiding by leaving an opening where we want the opening, and allowing the horse on purpose to move (physically or emotionally) into that opening.

Mark Rashid's newest book

I don't own it yet, but have already heard wonderful things about it. I will resist the urge to buy a copy next week directly from Mark and Crissi when I see them because it's on my wish list for a late birthday present from one of my brothers.

Meanwhile, a public plug for interested people to buy directly from Mark's website: Whole Heart, Whole Horse

I love Amazon for its easiness to order, its reviews, its preview this book feature. However I have learned that our low prices are partly because the authors do not get much or any remuneration for the sales of their books at Amazon.

I'd rather spent a little extra and support the one who has given and continues to give me so much help with my life's journey with horses.

Similar to my spending a little extra to support local farm stands, community supported agriculture, organic producers, and pasture-raised animal products.

It will be a treat to own another of Mark's books. But probably not as big a treat as riding with him again!

Hips

My hips are moving more, thanks to 18 months of physical therapy exercises (4 visits with PT and lots of homework!) and some recent visualizations from Judy Cross-Stehlke, Level 4 Centered Riding Instructor.

How do I know? Well, the arthritis is painful as the joints gain mobility, and most importantly I can enjoy a canter and stay connected with the motion, in both leads.

I rode Rusty today then Kacee. Kacee will hold her canter despite what my hips are doing, or not doing. Rusty on the other hand will mimic my body and my energy. The good news? I can ask for a left lead then let my hips go to their habitual right lead position and -- tada! -- flying lead change! What an education for me! LOL

So I practice and practice and practice. It does not yet come easy but it is so exciting to me!

I'm also doing transitions over a ground pole -- gives me focus for the 'where we'll do this', and progresses easily to some off-the-ground-poles, also known as little jumps. Playing around with breathing the transition, breathing the steady trot, breathing the steady canter.

Then inside to do more of the PT exercises afterwards, trying to strengthen the muscles needed to move these formerly stiff, stiff, stiff joints in my lower back.

I don't need chocolate ice cream or a winning lottery ticket to get me excited... I need play time on the back of my horses!

Then to top it all off, I was out in the paddock asking Sofia if she would consider opening her mind and her mouth when I presented a bit, when Riza meanders over and starts nibbling on the bit. I think she will be fine when I want to bridle her if I keep building on her curiosity and her desire to be involved when I show up.

Springing with Rusty

I rode him today, in the ring. We walked, trotted, cantered. My intent was for us to open up in our trotting, lengthening his stride if I could persuade/allow my body to be loose enough for his needs. We succeeded as well as we did some cantering.

The cantering went well, too, with my right hip moving enough to allow him to carry me on his left lead. That has been a problem and it was a little bit today. He will do a very springy lead change when my right hip is stiff. Poor dear. I'm dedicated to changing my body through physical therapy exercises and such. I love riding Rusty but it's hard for him to follow my feel when my body is stiff from some decades-old movement habits. The blocks are going and Rusty and I are becoming more connected and fluid. Yay!

Dear old Riza... she's not old but gosh she has a mind like an old been-there-done-that horse. At least most of the time. Today I put the saddle on her after riding Rusty, no lead line or anything. She stood like we'd done this a million times, not twice! Then I lunged her at the walk and trot, and over some cavaletti, too.

I suppose one day I'll get on her back. We're not ready for that yet -- I'll wait until she and I can do things with almost no discussions about direction. That time is coming, I'm confident.

Focus is required

In so many realms of my life, focus is required.

I am working two jobs now. Some benefits are as I expected, like increased income. Benefits I did not expect include deep satisfaction of doing a job well done. At a job that I'm told has frustrated and enraged many prior employees. Another benefit: actively applying my mental health skills directly in my job environment (rather than indirectly applying them throughout my life). There are reasons why I pursued a clinical profession, there are reasons why I took a break from direct clinical work for the past few years. I wasn't sure I was ready to be doing this again but I am. It suits me.

The challenge of working this second job (I continue with my first job teaching therapeutic riding, teaching volunteers, working with the horses at the TR program) is time management. I no longer have the luxury of piddling away some of my waking hours. Admittedly, some 'piddling away' is crucial to my well being although I usually call it 'having unscheduled time'. Time to mull, time for new thoughts to surface, time when things that have been brewing can come clear and rise to the surface of my awareness.

What is exciting is that I have the opportunity to prioritize how I spend my time. I feel more eager to make careful choices so that at the end of the day, I will have done some things that are especially meaningful to me, like riding a horse or getting that condolence card written.

I reflect back on the past months and acknowledge how important it is to me to feel connected with family and friends. I have spent much of my computer time on Facebook meeting that need, and much of my non-computer time on survival worries. This winter has been rough, and fruitful. In face of some economic shocks, RNB and I have become more communicative and more understanding of each other's comfort levels, areas of risk taking, and needs for feeling safe and calm. This is well worth all the hours spent in distress, to come out of it in the ways we have.

And yes, "if my magic wand were working" as I like to say, I would be happy to have made these internal and interpersonal changes without the external upheavals.

Then I pause to ask, why do I think that my magic wand is not working? I suspect the tendrils of depression have affected my thinking these past months, approaching challenges with a heavy veil of hopelessness and resentment even as I fought to present myself to others and communicate reflecting my deeper spiritual beliefs. The veil has lifted and again it is easy to float down the river rather than stand on the shore line fretting about whether the river will take me where I want, indeed fretting whether I can survive the apparent turbulence of the river passing at my feet.

I have ridden two horses this past week. It required me to focus in order to be decisive about planning those rides, and it required me to focus in order to be successful in those rides. I was blown away by the presence and readiness to connect with me that my horses offered. It reinforced the notion that even if I'm not 'working' with the horses, the 'work' I do in the rest of my life enriches the time I spend with the horses. I consider my quest for softness and clarity a Life Quest, no longer only a Horsemanship Quest.

So all those little moments throughout the winter have added to the goodness I have today. Moments during feeding when I became more clear and intentional with less firmness about boundaries for example while I was carrying hay. Moments when despite storms of uncertainty and pending losses in my human relationships, I found my way back to softness and vulnerability. Moments when my healing body parts reminded me that once again, I should have asked for help instead of contributing my physical skills (shoveling for example!) while disregarding my here-and-now abilities.

Regard versus disregard. A fine thing to consider! I think my regard of Sofia the other day was the foundation of our success together. Subtly (to me, not to her) in the past I have disregarded the degree of her sensitivity and worry about some things I do in preparing to ride. This time I focused (focus is required!) on her needs rather than my plan, in a way that included my fully knowing that we would get things done -- that 'faith' thing that Harry Whitney talks about -- even while I had no idea when we would get things done.

It was sweet beyond imagination. My heart swells as I recollect.

I've have long known that focus is required when I handle and ride Rusty, more so than with Kacee, and in different ways than with Sofia. I am approaching my readiness to ride him. I have been envisioning our ride, and one of these days I will know it is time -- that I am ready to offer him the required level and duration of focus that he needs in order to feel safe and vulnerable and responsive with me. And I look forward to arriving at that moment. I do love that boy!

Beyond 'pressure and release'?

Some fledgling thoughts...

'Pressure and release'

We all have been learning about that. And how the release teaches the 'yes' and gives meaning to whatever action the horse chose before getting a release.

'Feel and release'

That is what Leslie Desmond is calling her alternative to getting into the pressure stuff at all. She is much better at describing what she is doing than I am, but she keeps catching my attention with her approach to horses. Ideas from her and Bill Dorrance's book, True Horsemanship Through Feel, have stuck with me over the years. Ideas like, it's hard enough for the horse to cope with being in our human world. Why would anyone want to add more pressure to the situation? Just to release the pressure later? Not good enough. We can work with horses without first introducing more pressure before a meaningful release. (All my paraphrase and interpretation. Please read Leslie's website and her book with Bill and listen to her audio book!).

'Presence and direction'

I got thinking of how I release a horse, and how it seems to create an energetic disconnect from the shared intermingling presence all horses (all animals?) experience. So I got thinking about 'presence and release' but there I was with the 'release' dilemma again. I don't want to release a horse, I want to connect and direct. So I thought of 'presence and direct' as my latest concept to replace pressure and release.

I'm sure others have figured out how to release a horse and stay connected. Because I haven't, I'm coming at this from another angle. I have a strong need for words to reflect my experience. And those do the best right now.

Presence and direction.

When I choose to release a horse, it is when I'm no longer wanting to direct that horse, like setting it free from paying attention to and interacting specifically with me.

My horses seem to understand, and seem to appreciate that I'm not disconnecting every few nanoseconds in my attempts to offer something that makes sense ...

It's a work in progress, that's for sure. And the best thing about this sort of winter activity -- pure experimentation, no pressure from within me to complete anything beyond my safely delivering hay several times a day.

New use for personal power

I teach a group of students each week. Our lessons are about ourselves and about horses. At the end of the lesson, I ask each student to share his or her 'highlight' for that day -- what was brought to awareness that struck a chord.

Recently a student sent me this note which I have edited to preserve anonymity after getting permission to do so.

Do you remember the last thing I said when we were talking about highlights? I was trying to figure out a way to use my wobbly new power for good (like getting my husband to vacuum).

He walked in the door that night, said hi, and then plugged in the vacuum and took care of the kitchen and dining room. When we were talking during dinner, I told him a little about what we were doing with the horses. We had a really good laugh about "the force" when he said he couldn't explain why he felt compelled to do vacuum. He's never done it before (probably never will again...)


What were we doing in the lesson that elicited these thoughts?

I asked the group to, one by one, stand some where and visualize one of the horses approaching them as they stood there focused on feeling calm and centered in their lower belly. This one particular student experienced her favorite horse coming right over to her 'even though' he had been enjoying rubbing on a post when she started this experiment.

I urged her to renew her self image to include her successes with these more subtle communications.

Side by side

Strolling along, singing this song, side by side...

Not what I had in mind when I wrote the title. No. This is about danger and opportunity being side by side. This is about crises within which lie the seeds of creativity and surprise. This is about the storm whose eye is calm, about the height of the wave whose destiny is drawn with the ease of gravity to resolution. Paradoxes on the outside. Complements on the inside. Yin and yang. What is outside mingles with what is inside. What is inside infuses what is outside.

Side by side.

So as I spend a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, weeks, months living through circumstances I don't recall desiring, I am also rejoicing in the gifts that come side by side with the disturbances.

There is always another insight, another step closer to freedom from unconsciousness, with each crisis. At least in my life. I will not settle for getting upset about something. I need to know why I got upset. What happened to bring out such strong feelings. How much is this about Now, how much is this about Before. What can I think or do to release the distress and allow for calm to resume its rightful place.

This morning was approximately 5% about Now and 95% about Before. I am grateful that RNB recognized my state of emotional arousal and simply listened without taking it personally, without trying to fix me. It allowed for an opening inside me where I found things I had not previously connected to my present circumstances.

Things like giving to others. Giving everything to others. Giving because I had to, not solely because I wanted to. In the past, I wasn't living as if I had choices. Today I am, despite the moments when it feels like I don't have choices. I do still have choices. And I do make choices.

Sometimes the options seem limited, but that's another story for another day. By the time I publish this and some one of you reads this, this morning's upset will be a fading memory. I love the journey even if I don't always love the scenery.