Ohio with Leslie Desmond and friends

It really was a time with friends! Old friends and new friends. Human friends and of course, horsey friends. The four legged type of horsey friends. I want to be clear because I often refer to my horse-loving friends as horsey friends. I suppose I could just call the four legged ones "horse friends."

OK, I was butterflies-in-the-belly nervous before going into the arena the first day. Those butterflies come active when I get carrying some expectation that I'm going to be judged and fail. When I don't really know with confidence what I'm supposed to do. Moments of self consciousness, which is different from self awareness. Excitement with worry, anticipation with fear. Uncertainty.

Oh my -- UNCERTAINTY! Butterflies and uncertainty! This is what horses feelwhen they are uncertain. Oh my heavens. I'm having a little epiphany as I write!

Harry Whitney talks a lot about how disturbing it is to a horse to feel uncertain. Better to feel certain when someone is being rough than to feel uncertain even when the handling is softer. Uncertainty is about not knowing what is expected and not knowing what the outcome will be. The close-to-the-horizon outcome, not even talking about the next-year or ten-years-from-now outcome. Oh my. My oh my. This has really gotten my mental wheels spinning.

We can develop empathy as adults. I am a living example of that. I won't say I had no empathy as a child, in fact I think I had a lot but without any support for that, no adults acknowledging and valuing that, it went dormant. And now it grows again thanks to my intense desire to have better relationships with horses and humans.

So empathy and uncertainty... Here I am intending to write about my time in Ohio, and bingo, stumble upon some deeper understanding of uncertainty, which then increases my empathy for horses. Phew.

So, do horses get butterflies in their bellies? I am certain they do!

I trust I'll write more about that later, but now I want to return my focus to Ohio.

Leslie offered us so much trust and respect, it was easy to be in the flow there. By 'in the flow' I refer to the space I was in while handling horses -- attentive, responsive, considerate, empathic, patient, just with that horse and nothing else in mind. There were a few times of amazing synchronicity. An example from the first day in the arena: I was with a little quarter horse who had let me know the day before that he's not fond of anyone touching his mouth or muzzle. That prior day he had accepted being bridled but wasn't really comfortable with any preliminary touching I tried in my attempt to see if he was ready for the bit.

That day in the arena this horse, in my opinion, felt good enough with me to say "no" to the bit. I listened and changed my plan. I had thought I would do a little ground work then bridle up and ride (he was already saddled). Not just yet, he says. So I spent about the entire time doing some approach and retreat, some asking and listening, around his head and mouth, interchanged with lots of other stuff -- touching legs, lifting feet, leading off while I was at his hip, lowering head. At one point I was tuned into this dear horse and listening to Leslie at the same time. She was simultaneously approaching bridling the horse she was handling and inadvertently offered some new ideas for me to try. I was very grateful for those moments when, even though she wasn't focussed on what I was doing, her demonstration provided direct help for handling my horse.

Now this getting ready for bridling experience felt good, until the next day when another student/colleague/assistant was handling this same quarter horse and appeared to have no trouble bridling him. As I wondered why so easy for her and so hard for me, I did question if her expectation, her certainty was clearer than mine. As I asked the horse if he was ready for the bit, did that question mark enable the "no"? If I had been clear that "I'm going to bridle you" or "you are going to take the bit", would it have happened? Was there value in what I did? Did what I did one day set it up so it was easier the next day for the other person to bridle him? Would it have been just as easy for her to bridle him that very day he refused/avoided taking the bit with me? In other words, was it my presentation that created the "no"?

Aside from the comraderie and laughter during meals and back at the hotel, most of the best moments were in the barn interacting with the horses' owners. I voiced my appreciation to them numerous times for letting us handle their horses. I wasn't sure it was something I'd have done myself! Their trust and openness with us grew in huge ways day by day. We had time to talk, time to demonstrate, time to ask questions and answer questions. The five of us students/colleagues/assistants each have something special to offer, offer to the horses and offer to the humans. Those horse owners could choose who to learn from and that could vary as they wanted. We had not only horse owners, but mothers and daughters of horse owners there, ready to help with the horses (feed, muck, groom, tack) and showing a growing interest in learning from us.

I do like teaching. Especially teaching an interested student. These folks fit the bill just fine!

We all took turns at the information booth as well. Talking about the books, CDs, and DVDs available for sale, talking about Horsemanship Through Feel, listening to some amazing stories -- these were special moments -- of how folks were touched by watching Leslie's demos. Most had heard of her and/or read True Horsemanship Through Feel, but few had seen her in person before.

It was an honor to be part of that weekend. It boosted my confidence, to have survived the public exposure and to have thrived through the interactions with horses and their owners. Thank you, Leslie, for offering me this horsemanship opportunity.

Homes, horses, hopes

We are BUSY!

Getting one house ready to put on the market (RNB has lived here 10 years, me 3 years). Getting another house ready to live in. Hmmm, we may well get this first house sold before the next house is actually ready to live in. But that's ok, we'll work around a little inconvenience like that!

I'm pretty pleased with the flexibility and adaptability that I've cultivated. Makes living life a less stressful series of events. Oh heck, it makes life fun!

Last week's excitement at the new house was seeing the shell with one window hole cut. Stressed skin panels on walls and roof, so the workers needed some light inside. It really gives definition to the place, enough so that we made some decisions that mean major changes about interior walls in the kitchen/dining/hall areas. Exciting and it means revamping the kitchen cupboard plans. That is my afternoon appointment today.

My time with the horses has primarily been maintenance time: feed, feet, dragging the paddocks, and the shedding blade of course. I discovered through increased awareness this year, that Kacee's winter coat is the softest, silkiest of them all. Next year, assuming she is alive and well come shedding time, I intend to shed her out on a clean surface so I can collect her hair and do something with the lovely stuff!

Sofia continues to improve though I see her having normal bursts of excitement and motion that seem to leave her a bit more lame afterwards. I still have her and Bo fenced separate from the others, knowing this arrangement limits how much she has to move in order to avoid teeth and hooves of other horses. There continue to be scuffles between the boys defending their rights over the girls. But not with a large empty corridor of space between the two groups right now.

I had a surprisingly wonderful trail ride on Rusty this past week. I invited RNB to join me for a ride so off we went, he on Prince who hadn't been out for about 6 months, and me on Rusty who hadn't been out for at least 2 but maybe lots more months. Rusty was soooooo pleased to be doing something, especially to be doing something outside the ring. He is not one who likes repeating and schooling and all that. He will briefly complain then go along with my plans, but loses his sense of joy and excitement. His joy and excitement were there with us on the trail ride!

Actually, we didn't just saddle up and head off. RNB needed to spend some time with the bridling activities -- he's learning and developing patience, successfully, too! -- so while that was going on I rode in the ring primarily to soothe my little anxieties about the occaisonal gap between what I ask and what Rusty answers. That went well after a couple of disagreements about the meaning of left and right, and set me up to feel confident about going out of the ring where the great open spaces might bring up more energy than I'd like to ride.

I've done some teaching again. The winter was sparse for teaching. Perhaps when we move and I can use the indoor -- errr, my indoor! For some reason I am uncomfortable claiming ownership for that building, that incredible asset of a horsey space. I'll have to change something inside me to allow for pride and ease identifying as the owner and user of the indoor.

Anyway, teaching in Maine, teaching in Ohio, teaching in Vermont. It feels good, not only because I'm teaching within my level of competence and confidence, but also because it's harmonious with my passion and my personal hopes to live an integrated live, and there is evidence of good changes for the horses and their people. I hope to teach more. It's a good balance, too, for the work here at home that is emotionally demanding, that of sorting through belongings and making decisions to keep, toss, recycle/reuse/give away.

I still have many little thises and thats from my mother's home. Many are in boxes that occasionally I have opened, looked through, and closed up again. The items that I've unpacked and used or displayed are clearly the ones I value more, for their aesthetics and/or functionality. I hope to be ready to let go of the other stuff, find new homes for items that could be useful, trust that others can use them even if they didn't know my mother and therefore have no emotional attachment to the specific items.

RNB has many more things than I do, however it is much easier for him to make the keep or let go decisions I tend to avoid. Ah, another opportunity to improve my comfort with making decisions!

Other hopes? Ride more; put more effort into decluttering when I have an hour or two of "free" time; advertise and otherwise draw more teaching opportunities; decrease the amount of time I spend procrastinating completing paperwork projects (bills, lesson plans, snail mail correspondence); ride more; write more; let go with clarity and graciousness; ride more...

Sofia update

Sofia is doing better.

And so am I.

I've been struggling with my self blame for her injury, and my slightly egotistical belief that I am the only one who can provide her adequate care. RNB and I had a long talk about this last night. I need to make a decision soon about proceeding with my long standing plan to go to Ohio and assist and be assisted by Leslie Desmond at the Equine Affaire, or stay home.

I'm proud to share that I am capable to offering RNB the trust he deserves when it comes to powers of observation and ability to follow specific directions for taking temp, mixing meds into palatable feed, noticing changes in her gait and her leg (heat, swelling, etc.), and soaking her foot.

So, as of this very moment, I may travel, I may stay home. I don't have to decide right now. I do have to run pick up more antibiotics as the vet and I decided taking a more cautious route is a good way to go, especially because Sofia was running a slight temperature for a few days.

Friends, a wee suggestion: take your horse's temperature now while she or he is healthy. Note the temp and the time of day, and you will have a baseline for the future when you suspect your horse may be ill. Under $10 for the thermometer and you probably have some vaseline sitting around to lubricate. If you are not comfortable standing at your horse's butt and lifting the tail and inserting glass into the anus, then give me a holler as there is some trust missing between you two, and that's the sort of challenge I like in my role as The Horsey Therapist.


[Note: I have been blogging about Sofia's injury on a farm blog I started. She stepped on a nail, puncturing her right hind foot in the collateral groove, and has been very lame since last Tuesday.]

Winter ramblings ...

It's April and it's winter. My mind reminds me that this cold spring balances the warm start of winter. Does the planet really work that way?

Meanwhile, the high needs farm activities had subsided. Had subsided. That changed Tuesday evening when I found Sofia 3-legged lame. Bummer! I brought her inside where I could see, and found a nail in her foot, embedded at the edge of her frog in the collateral groove. Right hind, outside edge of frog. It took pliers and the help of my strong husband to pull it out. Sofia did not wince for that, but has winced at weight bearing time ever since. I'm doing all the right things from getting the vet involved, soaking the foot, feeding Sofia antibiotics, taking her temp, letting her move as much as she wants (suddenly I'm grateful for the snow -- so much better than the mud for a situation like this)... The vet did want to cut up the puncture site and pare it out, leaving a drainage hole. I said 'no thank you' and we discussed my 'whys'. Once he looked at the hoof, he realized he couldn't tell where to pare anyway so it was a moot point.

Honestly? The one thing I could have done differently was to call a vet equipped with mobile x-ray machine to come take pictures before we removed the nail. I did not want to wait that long. I didn't even know how long "that long" would be, but I didn't want to wait.

So far so good, meaning she's starting to bear a teensy bit of weight on that foot, is eating well, temp still within normal, and minimal stocking up has just started in the ankle. She goes out and rolls and lies down. She won't lie down in the stall.

Let's see, sick turkey, bottle baby lamb, injured ewe, and now Sofia. A varied bunch of stall uses!

It takes a lot of time to tend to a sick animal. I cried a lot that first night, feeling frightened that she'll never fully recover, and mad at myself for being a lousy horse keeper, unable to prevent this, and feeling bad that she was in pain and helpless to do anything about it. So many of our man made contributions to this earth are hazardous to animals!

So, I've not been riding. The weather has been miserably cold, windy, snowy. The arena was just getting dry and ground losing all the frost when winter was resurrected. Bleh.

Well, I should not say I've not been riding. I rode today. A little mare for sale who may become part of the herd at High Horses Therapeutic Riding Program. We'll see. She was 80% great, 16% very workable/teachable, and 4% potential real problem. For a horse, those are pretty good ratios!

Communicating online has become a challenge. I generally read and write to several Yahoo lists each day. For some unknown reason, what I send out does not get to its destination. So I am writing much less. Even here I've been writing much less.

Gosh, I have traveled though, and will do some more. I went to Maine to teach and visit. That was fun and satisfying. Soon I'm heading for Ohio for a few days of horse related activity. RNB and I have been dancing and that is reliably fun.

Keeping two horses stalled is work! As soon as RNB comes home, I'll reassemble the wheelbarrow with its repaired tire and clean stalls. Woo-eee!

What I am doing

True confessions. I am not riding. Not today, not yesterday, not the day before.

What am I doing?

Well, checking newborn lambs for one thing. The bottle fed lamb is now with his new family -- some wonderful folks who have taken other needy lambs from us in the past. I'm amazed at how time and energy consuming it is to have newborns on my mind, and in the stalls. Yes, it mean more work with tending to feed and water for them, but it's not just about the added work.

Reading and writing about horse stuff. Not writing here much but I might bring over some of what I've written elsewheres. On a training list actually. I am compelled to speak up when I read others giving advice to 'make the horse work' when the horse wants to do X instead of Y. Tire the horse out. Make him work where he wants to be so he'll want to go someplace else. Make him work when he resists (circle, back up 30 steps) so then he'll submit obediently. Make him suffer meaninglessly, over and over again.

Sheesh!

Those poor horses. I guess I maintain some hope that when I speak up in a public place like that list, a seed will be planted somewhere. A seed that lets some person somewhere start thinking about what the horse needs in order to do his best for his human. Not just what the human needs to manage the horse the way he/she wants to. It is so easy to act with punitive motives in our heart. The layers of defenses that we humans have -- all for good reason, I'm not knocking defenses -- but they do interfere with relationships, and on a deep level, they can prevent us from even recognizing our internal processes that maintain interactions that create distance rather than closeness. I ache for these horses. And yes, I ache for these people. I know from my own experience -- it doesn't feel good to be acting that way. Where is the natural joy in those moments??!

What else am I doing? Actively and successfully procrastinating doing taxes! I am typing up my notes from the couples workshop RNB and I did a few weeks ago. I need the reminders, just like when I type up notes from a horse clinic. And finishing up production of the latest newsletter for the therapeutic riding program where I work and volunteer.

And I'm getting ready for a trip to Maine to visit friends and do some teaching. I'm looking forward to that!

So, the sun just came out. I have time before I go folk dancing to do something outside. Maybe I will go for a ride after all!

I will ride today.

I will ride today.

Today I will ride.

Riding is something I will do today.

I will ride today.

Am I clear about my intention????

I can't even say I've missed riding these past days. But somewhere in my soul I have. Instead I have been feeding the bottle baby lamb, traveling local long distance trips, feeding the bottle baby lamb, typing up notes, feeding the bottle baby lamb, dealing with photos taken while on vacation, feeding the bottle baby lamb some more.

Some pictures from our visits in California:


Ocean at Laguna Beach




Newest granddaughter




Youngest grandson

Home again

We got home late Tuesday night. Despite the phone calls from farm care takers about this and that crisis during our absence, we managed to unpack the car and go to bed. A first for me, not compulsively going out to personally check on each and every animal before retiring. The new level of trust and acceptance felt good.

Lambing happened while we were away during the coldest nights (-20F) and the snowiest nights. Some survived, some did not. Our care takers were overwhelmed AND kept their minds focused and took initiative wherever they could. I have since done some googling and researching about problems with lambing, and have some ideas why there were problems this year and not in the past, but most likely we'll never know exactly why...

We do have one bottle baby lamb in the house right now. Something is not quite right about him and perhaps his ewe momma was smart not to help him make it, but he's thriving despite his shaky beginnings and from some reading, I start to think maybe he'll turn out fine in the end. Anyone want a bottle fed lamb? I'd rather not keep him due to the conflict that arises as I become attached to an animal that is bound for the freezer.

I did ride twice since coming home. The arena is a mess so I rode on the road in front of the house, supporting each horse to let go of their ideas and feel better and better about my ideas which were simple: further down the road, further down the road with more forward energy, stop, turn on fore, turn on hind, small half circle, stuff like that. Proceeding even further into a small trail ride on the dirt road was not an option because at that point the dirt road was in full mud thaw condition, ie., slippery sloppy soupy muddy mess. I won't drive over it in that condition, nor will I ride over it.

Now they are again frozen, and covered with snow.

We have had more water trouble this winter than I recall. Hoses freezing, pipes freezing, tanks leaking. This means I spend more time with shovel and ice picks breaking frozen tanks, and pulling frozen hoses from snow banks, dragging them into the cellar so the ice can melt. Only one faucet and outside pipe froze. Currently we're hauling water for the goats and geese in that area. I'm fantasizing putting together a series of hoses and running water out there from the cellar. I hate hauling water!

Our time away was wonderful. We visited various of RNB's family members in California before we went to New Mexico for an advanced workshop on conscious couplehood with Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. It's remarkable what miracles can happen with clear intention, willingness to do some hard work (looking inward, being emotionally honest, reaching out to support an other), and determination to nourish clarity, enthusiasm, and safety in a relationship.

A pic from Arizona

This is probably my most favorite picture from the week. I'll post the original which shows the background setting for this clinic, and the close up, cropped from the original. Me on Cajun... Oops, I rotated the close up before I saved it to my hard drive, but it came through on its side so I'll have to share that one another time.

Newsflash! Turkey Eats!

This is the best thing I could imagine for this fellow. I caught him out of the corner of my eye -- eating! Whopee!

I was puttering in the barn, a sunny winter day, and decided to see what would happen if I shooed him out of his isolation stall. He was reluctant to move much but we got as far as the barn door, which I left open in case he felt like wandering out into the warmth that collects on that side of the barn. A little while later I returned and he'd gone back into the stall, and there I saw him lowering his head and peck at some pellets. Honestly, I wondered if he'd forgotten how to eat on his own, as well as wondered if the mere sight of me put him into such a turkey-breath-holding anxiety that I might never actually witness his eating.

But it's eat or die around here. I can force feed him for a few more days if I have to but then our time is up and either he makes it on his own, or not. Today gave me renewed hope!

Turkey Nursemaid

I'd rather be doing... what? Something I'm sure would be more fun than tending to sick farm animals. Although not much is more satisfying at some deep level of my being.

I'm reminded of hospice work I've done. With people as a clinical social worker; with my mother as, yup, a daughter; with animals totally by surprise.

Yesterday felt like an animal hospice day and an animal nurse maid day. I am some pleased to have the balance of one dying animal and one recovering animal. Do you suppose this means there is Fairness in the universe??

After feeling lousy for a few days expecting a turkey to die, and after realizing indeed he was weaker than before but not really close to dying, I had to see what I could do. I really had thought 'he'll die today', and that was last Sunday, and Monday, and Tuesday.

Internet research opened my mind to the possiblity of force feeding him while I tried to learn what might be ailing him and then, while providing treatment as well as food and liquids. Fortunately he was weak enough that I could force feed him but he put up a fight nonetheless. I was worried about my fingers until I found that turkey beak gripping is not all that threatening. At least not by this fellow.

So, I started force feeding him Thursday. I admit, I do like the feeling that I may be helping and could kick myself for not thinking to try something sooner. However, yesterday, FF Day 3 (force feeding), he clearly was feeling better, stronger, more resistent to the FF routine, and even tried to fly up and roost after watching some other fowl within his view.

So what have I been feeding him? Warm water mixed with Super Blue Green Algae (from CellTech now known as Simplexity), probiotics and digestive enzymes from the same company. Once a day I add some ground flax seed for bulk, and today I added some soaked turkey pellets. What did I use to feed this stuff? A turkey baster of course! (Thanks to an online resource from my Google search.)

Researching disease and treatment were not too satisfying. Mostly because it's very likely this turkey has "Blackhead" disease, although he does not have a black head, he did not get sick and die within a few days, but he does have other unquestionable symptoms like yellow droppings that smell like sulfur. Yuck. Anyway, the good news is since I started this FF routine, he has droppings! How's that for positive reframe?

Most everything I've read says that this disease is fatal most of the time. So maybe it's not Blackhead. I will have to do more research, although I'm starting him on some acidified copper sulfate in water which reportedly will treat Blackhead if that's what he has. So many questions! I usually save my questions for topics like 'what can I do to support Rusty when he ... ?"

I suppose if the footing were good enough I'd be out riding and not worrying about this turkey. I have grown fond of him although I'm not sure, assuming he survives and resumes his life as a free ranging turkey, I'll recognize him from the other toms we have. Although if I approach with a turkey baster in hand, I'm guessing his reaction will make him recognizable! I sure would like to do a better job of 'letting it be his idea' with this force feeding stuff I'm doing! How to set it up so a turkey wants food from a turkey baster??? That is the question!

Riding Rusty will never be like riding Soli

I did get that question answered! (See entry about Mulling over some questions.) Rusty will likely always be Rusty and never be Soli. Why did I think Rusty might settle down and act and react (or not react) like Soli one day? It is not simply age that brings qualities like Soli offers. I would like it if it were but I guess I will come to accept Rusty the way he is and spend more time feeling of him and guiding him, and less time wishing he were different. Smart plan, eh?

It can feel bad -- without context?

I'm not sure what my friend refers to when she said it feels bad, but I know I've had to make some changes in myself in order to do things that appear to make the horse upset. However, I have much more confidence that what I do that upsets him only upsets him because it's in the way of his thoughts, and as soon as he lets go of his thoughts, he feels really good.

So much of it is in the 'how' I do something, my effort being in doing it in such a way that he thinks he's doing it to himself. A million thanks to the various folks who coach me!

Hence I can hold the reins, but not pull, for example. Horse can find his way off the pressure and think he's learned something pretty special and meaningful. It's not me doing something to him, it's him doing something to himself. Stuff like that.

And each time I ask, I ask with what I want to end with -- so if I want him to stop from an invisible shift in my energy and seat, that's what I do first. If he doesn't stop from that AND I know he's stopped from that before, I take up the slack and set my hands and he runs into the reins, and I wait until he softens AND is stopped, which might be as he stops or might be after a few steps of backing. If he's never stopped from my energy and seat before, I might ask lightly with the reins, and if that doesn't make sense, ask with one rein to circle until he slows, circle until he stops. With fourteen million adjustments and releases possible along the way. Assuming he's paying attention and actively searching for some meaning in what I'm doing, what I'm communicating by what I'm doing. If he's not understanding, then my getting firmer is like yelling to the foreigner who doesn't understand what I just said in a normal voice in English. More volume is not going to solve the problem. Finding a way to communicate my meaning is what is needed.

I did find myself 'yelling' at the old horse one afternoon. It was a perfect learning opportunity for me as Harry was riding next to me, suggested I do some other things, than we revisted the events later that evening and again the next day. And I got to try out doing it differently next time I rode. Very sweet! Because I had learned, and Harry knew when I was in a learning frame of mind as well as what to do to help the horse be in a learning frame of mind, and time and circumstances allowed for me to experiment with similar stresses in the horse the next day.

Finally I rode

The cold and snow have required my attention since I got back from my wonderful week in Salome, AR, with Harry Whitney and friends. Today I took a break from shoveling, etc., and rode Rusty. Brief but delightful. Poor fellow had to negotiate about 20" of settled week old snow in the arena. We got into one spot that was deeper from snow drifting and I wasn't sure what he was doing but it felt something between his yoga stretching (never before done while I'm on his back) and some thoughts to back up or lie down. Really I'm not sure what he was thinking. So I invited him to move to where the snow was less deep and continued.

I am surprised how disruptive it feels to be using RNB's computer -- I am so accustomed to using my own computer it feels strange. No access to all my bookmarks and email addresses for starters. I hope to get the call tomorrow, telling me my computer is fixed and I can come get it. Then life will feel more normal!

Meanwhile, full of good memories from time with Harry. I've started typing up my notes but process interruptus due to lack of 'my' computer. But I rode today full of the successes in AZ and Rusty responded easily and well. I must admit I was really noticing how much I've let his attention stray, and thankfully it didn't bother him for long that I asked for more from him than I had been.

The horses all seem a bit fresh and lively. I do wish the footing was better, however I will ride when I can even before a great melting occurs which hopefully will reduce the depth of snow without leaving too much crusty stuff when the cold air freezes things up again. Spring isn't for another month!

A week in AZ was a treat weatherwise. It shocked me at first being back here, especially facing quite a bit of snow that still needed to be moved in order to function well around the farm.

I rode two horses in AZ. One was a former dude string type horse, 30 years old, and oh my, what a super horse under a layer of dullness! He was fun, and a great little project for me in terms of asking some new things of him (imagine he'd never been asked to bend before, or stop from the rider's seat) and riding with him as he loosened up.

Our first canters were horrendous! I felt like I was sitting on a glider that was rocking off balance on the diagonal, sort of a very braced pacey canter on a tank of a horse! I was some pleased to feel that change as he loosened up, mentally and physically. And frankly, amazed how quickly that all happened.

I rode him for the first two and last two days. The middle day I rode a mare who Harry has owned and ridden for a few years now. What nice things I learned from her because when she let go of some thoughts and was there with me and my requests, it felt wonderful. We talked about a slippery saucer feeling, which I have thought of as moving a piece of furniture with precise and well lubed bearing rollers. She was invisible in her presence, if that makes sense. Ready, responsive, with me. I thanked her many times for giving me a feeling that I can look for now in any horse I ride. I have felt it before, but this time I was clear about what I was experiencing, and will remember on purpose. I even had some moments that fluid with the old guy.

I will share right now a little from the clinic. Harry talked about when to be insistent, and when to be persistent. Be persistent when the horse is learning something new, set it up and wait for him to figure it out -- don't lose track of his learning, don't hurry it. Be insistent when you know the horse already knows what's being asked of him. Don't tolerate his holding back, avoiding, thinking about doing what he wants instead of what you've asked of him -- get a change, but then just move on, don't harp on what happened, just go do something together when he's with you and ready.

Harry talked a lot about responsiveness during this clinic, similar to other times when he's talked about not leaving a horse feeling bad, doing something now to help the horse feel OK inside himself, that a horse who isn't giving 100% is a horse who feels troubled. It should come through my notes once I get them all typed up.

More new life

Wednesday, a Nigerian Dwarf kid arrived. Another buckling, cute markings, lively despite being born on a very cold winter day. We have yet to know how severe is the frost bite on the ears of both the new kids. They may have floppy ears, unusual for the breed.

Today, Friday, a Dexter calf arrived. Don't know yet whether it's a bull calf or heifer. I meandered out to check their water and noticed an extra -- and extra small -- black animal. Momma cow was in the middle of consuming the afterbirth. I sat and witnessed these early moments of new life. Had a twinge which could have developed into some nauseous feelings, but as I changed my focus and stilled my mind, those feelings passed. Several younger cows came to sniff me over. Newborn still wet, accepted a short hug from me.

Life is amazing.

Preparing to travel

I am someone who likes to rehearse and prepare for the future. That means, when I have travel plans, I like to start packing a few days in advance. It gives me time to think about what I forgot to pack, time to decide I really don't need this or that, time to come to terms with the trade offs between taking enough and traveling lightly.

I would love to travel lightly! But I would hate to not have enough. I have experimented with traveling lightly when I've gone to an adequately urban area so that I could buy something I needed if I realized I really shoulda packed it...

Soon I'm traveling but there will be no convenient store to run to for anything! And I need to bring my own towel and bedding. Already I'm looking at the medium large suitcase and wonder if it will hold towel, bedding, helmet, chaps, riding rain coat plus the usual from jeans and socks to toiletries and wheat-free snacks.

Traveling lightly ain't gonna happen this time.

My ideal of traveling lightly is getting everything I need into a nifty pair of travel cases I own. One is like a backpack in which fit water bottle, notebook, small pillow, wallet, paperback, snacks, reading glasses, cellphone and something else which I remember at the last minute. The other case is a roll along but small enough to fit under the airplane seat or in the overhead bin. Valuable because I can travel without having to check any luggage!

Ok, so this trip I will be checking luggage. Now to plan so that I check almost everything (saves me lugging it around) but keeping enough with me so I can survive should my luggage not arrive on the same plane or day as I will. How can I hold the image of everything going perfectly when I'm duty bound to my need to prepare, hence have to look at all these likely possibilities?!

If only I could go with the flow of airplane travel like I can go with the flow of a horse. Hmmm. That's an interesting thought! Gosh, I might never get to Arizona! Erase that thought!

Ok, travel is like life. Plan what you can, flow with what you can tolerate, and manage the freak outs so that later damage control is minimal.

I'm going to bundle up and go hang with the horses. Tomorrow is supposed to be a warmer day, and if that's true, I will ride!

Roots

I like to use my birthday as a time to deepen roots on purpose.

What I mean is, I try to do things on my birthday that may serve to set the tone for the coming year.

Some years, it's been important for me to take time to myself, quiet time, meditative time, to invite that stillness to infuse my coming year.

This year, my birthday is marked by affection; dance; hard work that benefits both RNB and me; writing; appreciating life, marriage, changes; connecting with and acknowledging my parents' influences; and of course, horses.

My mother has been in my thoughts a lot lately. And through awareness of her, I've reconnected with some of her best features: her zany sense of humor, her love of puzzles and letting people learn through puzzles (in the biggest sense of the word), her holiday rituals, enjoyment of cooking for others, images of her face lighting up with gleeful amusement.

These are things about her I am pleased to keep alive.

I've been keenly aware of her qualities that had inhibited her life and mine, so it's refreshing to be awash the good stuff of her.

Thanks, Mom, for all you gave us.

Quiet times

Although the colder it gets, the noisier it gets walking on the snow, it's a quiet time right now.

Too cold to ride, too cold to do most anything outside, even bundled with my winter weather norm of seven layers of clothing. Horses are intent on eating, eating, eating. RNB and I keep the fire box full, and I am starting to think about what I will report to Harry Whitney next week when I am studying with him, and what I hope to gain from that time.

Certainly I will talk about my relationships with Rusty and Sofia. He knows them both from other clinic times.

This chilly winter week looks like a good one for doing office-based projects and preparing for my trip. If I stumble upon some insights, I will write something. Might not happen until after I return.

Sluggishness

I rode Rusty and Soli today, not in that order. Soli -- a horse I affectionately call "Slugabug" -- actually was lively, ready to trot, trot, trot. I kept in mind asking for trotting after he was commited to slowing down instead of keeping him trotting, and he kept trotting for longer and longer periods even though we were tooling around the boring old arena. Well, it wasn't boring to me as I was practicing posting without getting ahead of his motion in the Bates saddle. Seemed to fit Soli fine. Still fits me fine. :-)

Rusty... dear Rusty. What did a friend say today? Rusty is a horse who will not accept being forced whatsoever no way absolutely not. Same friend suggested some progressive steps to helping Rusty understand and feel ok about some ground work I would like to have go more smoothly. In plain english: I would like to simply send Rusty off at times. Instead of leaving me when I ask him to leave, he turns and challenges me. IF I have any physical connection with him via halter or rope, he will do what I ask. If I don't, I'm at his mercy. Really, I feel that way sometimes. Ineffective, powerless, scared. I have to wonder what he is feeling if that is what I am feeling!

Before I rode him, I explored some ground work with him. Some went really well, some went -- sigh -- not well. I guess in order to be where we are and not pretend we're someplace further along regarding groundwork at liberty, I will accept that I need to communicate with him with some equipment right now. We did have some really nice trots with a light 18' rope around his neck. That is less confining than with a halter so that felt good to me. He was listening, responsive, a little dull. There is such a difference in his demeanor with or without equipment. Amazing really... scratching my head...

We had a pleasant ride but it felt sluggish. Now I have to ask myself, is "sluggish" what it feels like when he's not on the verge of leaping around? I suspect there is a middle ground, but for now, maybe that is all he can offer without tipping the scales way over?

I tried riding a pattern. It gave me focus; it gave me a clear series of events to assess his responsiveness; I'm not sure it gave him much of anything although we had a buck-free ride. Ground work before mounting, western saddle (which with intentionality I placed further back on his short back), footing fairly soft at about 30° with some light snow cover since our last ride, and Soli was loose in the arena with us.

Sluggish -- interesting word I chose. He did come into some longer trotting and stretching down, way down, with his head and neck after some cantering. That felt good. What is it I want? I want that energetic edge and interest in what we're doing to be there when we ride. He brought more energy toward the end of our ride than at the start, so that is good. I wonder if my discomfort is a barrier -- discomfort with having another being more or less ready to do my biding. Maybe I really do not want Rusty to bring his ideas so strongly to our relationship, hence sending him mixed messages: bring your life up but don't bring your life up like that!

Time for me to think proactively and help him know in what ways he is welcome to bring up his life. Like today, he was welcome to move into a canter from a trot, into a faster canter from a slow canter. Keep showing him where to find the "yes"s.

The mares today

I kept in mind some things I heard from Libby Lyman last night, during my rides today on Sofia and Kacee. Both rides went really well.

Although Libby described riding on a dirt road type trail, I had to create mentally a trail in the arena because that is where I am riding. So I mentally defined an area from the arena fence to about 6' in as 'the trail', and then gave Sofia full power to take me along that route. When she veered, I let her veer until she was 'off the trail' then I asked her to think back to the trail.

I realized how much she's accustomed to making decisions, living most of her life in the herd without much time getting with human plans. It's fun to witness her progress as she finds she can let go of her ideas and have a perfectly pleasant time going along with mine. I'm learning how to set it up and wait for her to let go, not forcing the issue, but maybe upping my energy if she gets heavy on a rein. That seems to help her find it sooner.

I also realized once she finds an answer, she'll assume I'm going to ask the same question, and offers the same answer. It took effort for her to let go of the idea to repeat an action we had just done. In other words, she's not just traveling with me wondering 'where now'?

So, riding the line today meant riding the path. Sticking to a line would feel too constricted and would set me up to be correcting too soon, too often. It made sense while I was doing it though I'm not sure I'm communicating it well right now.

Another thing I played with based on listening to Libby was waiting until I felt Sofia commited to slowing down, before I asked her for more speed again. That was interesting to be thinking about as I rode. She gave me lots of trotting today!

Regarding saddles: Sofia did fine in the western today, and Kacee did well in the dressage. Although I felt tilted forward -- uncomfortable! The saddle does not seem to impinge on her shoulder action at all.

Mulling over a few questions ...

How to tell the difference between when a horse is taking me someplace, and when a horse is taking over?

If we can't hide our emotions from our horses, what can I do when I feel scared? How can I support my scared horse when I'm scared?

How well does resuming feeling calm and certain repair the split, the disconnect, the abandonment experienced when I tighten up in fear?

How early can I tell a horse needs support from me? When I find I've missed that moment, how can I notice even sooner that the horse needs something?

I know what it feels like to ride Soli. Is it reasonable to think that one day it might feel that simple to ride Rusty?