Stuttering, from a friend

My friend, BA, wrote me this and gave permission to post it:

So, I've been thinking a lot about your "Stuttering in Motion" post. I stutter too. Just a couple days ago I specifically remember a time I stuttered. I was walking from the house to the barn to feed and realized that I forgot the bottle of liquid I mix in the feed. Because I had been pondering your post, I circled around (moving forward), returned to the house to get the bottle, and made the trip to barn.

I find myself wondering if we are created by design to stutter? Do we accomplish more when we stutter? Are stuttering and multi-tasking the same thing? Are the hesitations and pauses our body's attempt to slow us down because we are moving too fast? Is it our body's way of trying to save us time and energy? Can we acknowledge and pursue the little reminders our mind offers without stuttering? Perhaps we can circle back (moving forward) when our mind gives us the reminder to save a trip and bring a scoop of feed for the geese. In an effort not to stutter, will I become so controlling in my actions that I become inflexible? Is there a way to remain flexible without stuttering?

Hummmm

[My comment: Good questions!!]

The body has memories

Second class of Aikido this evening. My first lesson in falling, which for me was about learning to roll. What I learned is how much I push (launching myself into a roll), how much I protect (worried about hurting my body), how much I think (wanting to analyze what my various body parts should be doing so I can direct the show), how many new muscles I met, both those I've not used (lower legs especially) and many maybe I've overused (back).

Thank heavens for the mats on the floor. RNB says we can get some for our new house. Heck, let's get them NOW! I know I will learn how to do this, gracefully, seemingly as effortlessly as it is demonstrated! Meanwhile, thank heavens for homeopathic arnica.

I cried when I got home. Just lay down and cried some tears and took a nap. Phew. Nothing special, just all that energy released from my body as I did it over and over and over, slowly making some progress toward some combination of letting go and moving intentionally. How is that for a paradox?

I suppose I still am releasing tears of sorrow about Gingersnap. A long email from GKM reminded me of some details of what a grand mare that Ginger was. She will be missed.

Fairlane Gingersnap

In memory of a dear horse, sister to my Fairlane Kacee, auntie to my Fairlane Rusty, and most importantly, long time beloved of my dear friend, GKM.

Deep, easy changes

[I retrieved this from my drafted entries and finally could add a picture! Apologies if you have heard this story already.]



I spent 2 days auditing and 3 days riding with Mark Rashid in late October. I had wanted to take Sofia but she was off at the trot so I took Rusty. I'm very glad I did.

Mark is remarkable. No pun intended. I have spent decades messing around extensively with energy, body awareness, meditation, and projecting thoughts and intentions. This experience with Mark was the first time all that sort of 'stuff' was present integrated with horsemanship.

Mark's life includes Aikido. I have no personal experience of it other than what he shared during an evening participatory 'demonstration'. I got a feel for what he calls "blending". And I had opportunities during my clinic time to start practicing that, to develop a better feel for 'blending', for making contact, feeling for an opening, and directing my horse. The goodness of this is beyond words.

OK, back to where I intended to start.

Day 2 of riding, Mark said to me, "Are you ready to hear something?"

I hesitated for one millisecond, letting the question sink in, then looking at Mark with eagerness I felt right from my center, I said, "Yes!"

He told me that the fronts of my shoulders are blocked, and these blocks are preventing Rusty from moving his shoulders. He described how Rusty was reaching forward with his front feet but he did not bring them back, so his stride was stopped. He proceeded to suggest I let these areas fill with energy, or light, or however I wanted to think about it. It was not a mechanical thing for me to fix, just bring my awareness there and let there be life there, enliven those areas.

I did. Immediately I could feel the areas in the front of my shoulders begin to buzz with energy -- energy flowed up through those areas and out in an upwards direction, allowing warmth, energy flow, tears, laughter, and big sounds rolling out of my belly up through this release. My eyes were wide, my body was soft, and this release was happening.

When I started riding again, with this feeling of life in the front of my shoulders, Rusty started finding a normal stride. It took some time going both directions before it felt solid, where I was allowing the energy and the openness, and Rusty was regular with his normal stride. At first Mark was giving me feedback when it was happening, then I could feel it. Then we brought this to the trot. Oh what a clear difference when Rusty could trot a normal stride!!! No more feeling like I'm riding a sewing machine! That poor horse, constricted in his movement all these years because of blockage in my energy. Phew!

[Thanks to Pam Y for the picture!]

Pictures...

Currently I get an error message each time I try to upload pictures here. Blogger.com is working on a fix. Meanwhile, I am limited to words, punctuation marks, and fantasies of what pictures I would upload.

If I get desperate, I will approach my blog via Internet Explorer rather than Safari. IF I get desperate.

Stuttering less

I noticed today instead of stopping and starting in my stuttering motion pattern, I circled! In moments of indecision, I traveled forward, in a circle, until I knew where I was going. Interesting change! There were also a few times when I just came to a stop and stood there thinking until it was clear what I was going next to do. Progress!

Spiritual Bypass

What does that mean?

It means reaching for the wonders of the mystical connectedness while deluding oneself that one can attain some higher levels without reaching for the depths of the psyche as well.

Openness to all the goodness of the universe means openness without condition. Openness allows pain to surface, to flow, to be an integrated part of the self. When someone is in a Spiritual Bypass, they are pretending that the gifts of spiritual goodness are theirs while denying the gifts of darkness, of shadow, of pain.

If indeed it is all one, then the light and the dark are intermingled, intertwined, coexisting in some harmony that seems foreign or frightening to some, but intriquing and enlightening to others.

Stuttering in motion

I stutter.

As a child, my older brother stuttered. He struggled to control the verbal stuttering that accompanied many of his thought expressions. He went to therapy for it and now, many years later, I recall his stuttering only because I realized last night that I stutter.

It is apparent not in my talking, but in my moving.

I have been aware that I move through space with stops and starts, especially if there are many things on my mind and I'm passing by reminders of those things and I stop to do this then move then stop to do that then move and sometimes in the middle of doing Y, I remember I had started to do X and I stand there actually wavering back and forth, my body demonstrating the indecision of my mind regarding what to do now. Hesitations, pauses, backward steps, sharp turns to left or right...

I want to change this. I did change it after it was brought to my awareness last evening during class. But to be self aware in the rest of my life, that depends on me, not my teachers.

So I set myself a little challenge: move forward.

Already this morning I have stuttered a few times, and it was those moments which led to this challenge. Regardless of what my mind is doing -- wondering, doubting, changing plans -- I will move forward. If I am headed to get a scoop of feed for the chickens and remember that I can also bring a scoop of feed for the geese at the same time, instead of stopping dead in my tracks and turning around to go pick up a second scoop, I intend to move forward, perhaps circle back or perhaps continue with my initial plan, but whatever I do, I move forward.

I set myself another little challenge this morning: wash dishes with opposite hands.

I have the habit of holding a dirty dish in my right hand and holding the scrubby sponge in my left. This morning I changed that. AWKWARD! I hope making a small change like this will help with the left/right differences I felt when introduced to two basic escape techniques in class last night. In fact, doing the dishes like this helped my left shoulder be soft and relaxed -- I tend to hold that shoulder up and forward more than my right shoulder.

I suspect this imbalance I found so blatant last evening is part of why my horses tend to respond differently to me whether longing to the left or the right. Yes, I continue to be motivated to improve my effectiveness as a horseperson.

Introduction to Martial Arts

I joined the Aiki Budoin (http://web.mac.com/tpristow/Site/Home.html) and attended my first class.

Many lessons generated in less than two hours!

My hopes were to start learning to fall, to roll, stuff like that. What was presented was how to sit seiza, brief history of the Martial Arts taught at this dojo, how to bow, when to bow, then we proceeded to some hands on work -- two basic escape moves.

Learnings:

I am easily disappointed when my expectations are not met. However that state was acknowledged and released very quickly. No room for disappointments when there is so much to discover in life.

I came wanting to get to the active stuff, learn what I want to learn without considering that someone who has been studying and teaching Martial Arts for more than half my life time will know a sensible order to present material so I have the best chance of being successful in learning, in engaging in the culture of the dojo, and in adapting the philosophy and practices of the art forms taught there.

I have a huge, deep habit of stuttering -- not when I verbalize, but when I move. That is the best way I can describe it. Hesitate, pause, stop, interrupt the flow. Motion stuttering. Sensei Pristow spoke to me early on about moving forward, continuing what I'm doing regardless of doubts or questions about how well I'm doing the move. Wow, this will be huge for me to change. And during class I did change it.

My body hurts when I rely on strength rather than my center.

My left side is relatively really awkward compared to my right side -- and I'm left-handed? THAT was a big surprise!

The experiences of practicing two simple escape moves, of moving from my core, carried over through the evening, most notably when I was out with the horses feeding.

Coming from my center - the horses knew! I needed much less peripheral moving of my arms and body to influence their moving and their stopping. I stuttered once, and knew it instantly -- it was like switching gears from one world to another.

I felt the blending -- engaged in it -- without thinking it through while putting on and taking off the horses' feedbags. I was consistent about keeping my boundaries with every horse, not making exceptions for the ones I feel closer to, more affectionate with.

I am very excited about the effects from the one class. And wonder what incredible openings lie in my future.

Winter scenes

Peacocks in snow...




Soli and Rusty and Jacob sheep...




Mixed species take refuge on the porch...

Snowy ride, PT in the saddle

I rode Soli today after some ground work with Sofia then Rusty. Snowy, soft terrain. Chilly and silent as dusk settled.

I was thinking about what I read recently -- a clinic report by someone who was with Mark Rashid. She described being in the round pen with him and following his movements as he worked with her horse. She mentioned his movement was continual and smooth and every moment of it intentional, so I was trying to keep that in mind when I moved around with Sofia then with Rusty. Awareness of flow when I'm doing groundwork will keep improving as I put my attention to practicing it. Meanwhile I move with staccatos and commas, to mix metaphors.

I was focused with Sofia on her understanding just where I was wanting her body. I am working on consistency -- both consistency from day to day with a horse, but also consistency from horse to horse with what I expect. Again thinking provoked by something I read about a Mark Rashid clinic.

I have tended to let Kacee come in close without waiting for permission or invitation. I have tended to allow a couple of horses to bob their heads when I remove their feedbags. I am challenging myself to see if I can expect the same from all the horses, rather than let my emotions steer me to offer affection more than clear boundaries. Mark speaks clearly about this -- that in herds, boundaries are a very important element, high on the list of what needs to be clear between horses. Affection is low on the herd list. We humans do it differently, and yes, we humans tend to get in trouble around horses!

The ride on Soli... well, I was feeling a little uncertain so I chose him rather than Rusty. Soli can fill in a LOT. I just needed him to fill in a little so my confidence would reappear which it did. I had my cowgirl plan -- go gather some fencing materials from the neighbors' field that we used when we still had cows. My plan was foiled by a gate frozen into the ground. I was unable to budge it although I could rock it back and forth. I need to time my next attempt with a thaw. Or get permission to approach that field from the other side.

That did nothing to spoil the ride though. Leaving fresh tracks in 6-7 inches of snow is special. And our return trip gave me the opportunity to criss cross and doodle in the snow like I would with paper and pencil.

Then we went out for a trail ride, the usual local loop.

I played around with influencing his feet with my thought, like thinking/feeling the right hind stepping further under him for a leftward diagonal walking stride or two, and played around with breathing the upward transitions and seeing if I can feel the change of rhythm first then follow up with the usual aids to bring us to trotting together. Some success. I am remembering to have patience and expect changes not perfection today.

PT in the saddle? Well, more than that really. Adventures in awareness... I was letting Soli swing my body. Soli is a short, stocky Haflinger, built like a tank really. My first ride on him a few years ago left me hurting from the stretch and the movement! Now I can let him rock and roll me while I put my attention on the swing and drop of my hips, and the swing of my shoulders, and the timing of the two. Then I remembered the front of my shoulders, and realized that I tend to be aware of my back, and so I let my awareness passively include the front of my body. It was something hard to put into words, but a feeling of a whole body, back front sides -- all my skin as one flexible three dimensional magnificent living sensing organ...

So, not just PT, but also meditation in motion.

Floating teeth

The equine precision floater was here yesterday. Five of the six horses were due for dental work. I wait for this man to come to Vermont because he has done well and I like his approach -- no power tools, no speculum. Builds on the cooperation with the horse to get this done.

Things went easily with four horses. And I'd hoped it would go well with Sofia.

It went better than before, but not well enough for her teeth to be floated. We agreed that next time I will have the vet here to give her some sedation. She responds well to a little sedation (based on when she had her wolf teeth extracted) and she needs to have her teeth done. I have other options like having a vet do her teeth but so far, I like what this man has been doing.

Although he hasn't figured out the effective feel with this particular horse. And it frustrates him.

The challenging thing is not to be frustrated with this horse as that breaks the connection of her trust or something. She has little tolerance for frustrated human energy. My successes with her mouth have been due to my ability to remember to offer 'centered softness' from within myself. She responds well to that. Hey, what a good human trainer she is -- these are qualities I want to have in my life and indeed, without accessing the best of myself, I ain't going no where with this mare's mouth!

But the floater got frustrated for awhile. I think he saw that in himself this time better than he has before. I am challenged to support and even defend my horse while maintaining a supportive and grateful relationship with the professional. Tricky business! It is easy to blame the horse, it is also easy to blame me. I would prefer he blame me, although I have made progress with this mare, both in her allowing me in her mouth and in understanding what she needs in order to feel OK about something happening that she would rather avoid.

She can avoid with me quite easily. Just watch how quickly she raises her head! I realized later, after my success a few days ago with her mouth, that I was really at a disadvantage and she was really helping me out: I was standing downhill from her. Go figure!

The floater didn't see how it might help Sofia understand what he wants by my using a floating tool with her then his using it. I think it is a way she would understand what he wants, building in tiny little steps from one thing she is OK with to another thing we want her to be OK with.

He did check inside her mouth with his fingers and that is what he acknowledged as progress. That and her softer eye, more relaxed demeanor. Definitely progress from the last visit.

We talked a bit about whether she was afraid or not. He was convinced she was not afraid, that it was an "attitude". I voiced my perspective that even though she shows behaviors we might call avoidant, angry, defensive, that underneath those feelings lie her fear and her lack of understanding of what she is being asked to do. I asked questions to better understand what "attitude" means to him, as well as to understand how he would change his approach depending on whether she was a scared horse or a horse with an "attitude". I think he referred to spending time together getting clear about who is boss.

Gosh, if bossing this horse around was the answer, we would have solved this dilemma already! I'm grateful she allows me to do what I already can do with her!

I will keep up with the fingers and floating tool in her mouth, and follow through with my agreement to have the vet here next time the floater comes to Vermont. Sofia is OK, and will be more OK. But not through force or intimidation. No thank you, say both of us!

Blending, and finding the "we"

Blending means a couple of things to me.

Until recently when I talked of blending, I talked about 'getting with the horse'. That could actually entail walking with him, mimicking his footsteps, following him around like he and I were a herd. When a horse is not so interested in tuning in to me, this seems to help. I tune in to him and at some point, he feels together with me enough to tune into me in return. I might blend/follow the horse when he trots off instead of chasing him or standing there -- matching tempo and rhythm even if I don't cover as much ground as the horse. At some point, it starts feeling different and I can experiment with initiating something -- a turn, a change in gait, a look in one direction... and the horse will reflect what I'm doing or my energy level.

Recently in a clinic with Mark Rashid, I was exposed to a new meaning for blending. And I am new to this so I may explain it much better in the future when hopefully I personally know more about this blending. I understand it comes from Aikido, and research on google revealed the essay on Page 7 of this webpage (http://www.aikidoinstitute.org/kiai/kiai_vi_1_30_year.pdf) which helped me formulate in my mind what I want to say. Blending is physical and mental. It is being centered and open to others' ideas and movement, possibly being influenced but not losing my center. Blending happens for example when in Aikido one falls to the mat and staying centered, controls the fall and blends with the mat. Because I fell on the ice today, I think I know just what that feels like -- I was not hurt in the fall, not embarrassed or mad, not blaming or bruised. I simply fell and got up.

I am eager to learn more about blending because Mark applies this with horses (and from his report, all of his life) and that is my prime interest! Theoretically I get the idea, but in action, unsure of what I'm doing. An example, my horse raises his head when I go to check his teeth, instead of my prior practice of asking him to lower his head and 'help me out', I move my hands with his head with a little bit more energy than he is using, and when I feel him bringing his head down, I go with that and proceed with the teeth checking. There is a 'going with' aspect that I like and although I feel awkward at times, it seems to make a difference in that I'm not in a correcting or adjusting frame of mind, just in a being with the horse and what he's doing and also waiting for an opening when he is quiet and present and ready.

This afternoon I was with my young mare Sofia. She became greatly reluctant to have anyone in her mouth after I let a vet administer a tube of antibiotic. He was hurried and didn't know to wait for her to be ready. It was forceful, she was confused and upset, and if I had known it was going to be like that, I would not have allowed it. But I did and she was quick to create a limit about anyone near or in her mouth.

Because this has created trouble for the equine teeth floater, I have now and then spent time with Sofia focused on her feeling better about my fingers near and in her mouth, and also accepting a floating tool in her mouth.

My plan today was to help her feel OK about a floating tool in her mouth without any tasty distraction/incentive -- molasses worked well in the past but I'm commited to a purist idea that I potentially can do this with feel.

I kept returning to the thought of softening while I was with her, and I kept returning to my effort to slip the tool into her mouth and move it into position for contact with her teeth. We did it. I have to say "we" because if this mare doesn't want to do something, it ain't gonna happen. She had to feel OK about it or else all she has to do is raise her head. She is taller than me and quickly can move out of my reach.

So I remembered to find softness time and time again. I breathed consciously. I noticed when she was soft and ready for my next try. We did it. I was able to insert the tool and scrape on her teeth on each side. I was soft. She was soft. The struggle of the past was replaced by softness shared by us. It was remarkably easy. I think this was in the realm of blending. I got a sense of the 'we' feeling -- different from the feeling of me and her even when I'm being kind and thoughtful.

Next week I will observe an Aikido class for the first time. I am eager to start training -- curious about all the wonders ahead of me. Already I will say the changes in me are filtering pleasantly into my marriage -- finding the "we" even as our individuation is clearer and clearer.

In re-reading what I've just written, I wonder if the blending I have been doing is perceived by the horse as the blending I'm just learning about. My prior concept of blending has been about me and horse. My new concept of blending is about meandhorse.

Keeping the circle round on the ground

I was playing around at dusk yesterday. Gosh, the earlier descending darkness surprised me! Rusty was my play partner and thinking about it this morning, there are some new things I experimented with.

While circling and furthering our experience of me asking with most subtle cues before going to larger behaviors, I put my attention again to asking with my imaginery change of gait. I was more successful but I guess I expected to be even more successful than I was. That might fall under the category of greed, however no 'might' about this: it falls under the category of expecting rather than being there nonjudgmentally with what is. Yeah, I did some nonjudgmental, too, but it's remarkable the pressure I bring by expecting more than the more I am already getting. I am appropriately proud (is that an oxymoron?) that I did not create discord by putting so much pressure on Rusty with my expectations of more-more.

Run-on sentences. Sorry. I am eager to put these things down in words -- lots happened yesterday.

OK, so I was playing around with transitions again and they were better. I started focusing (hmm, too many things I was trying to address?) on the roundness of our circle, or the lack of roundness. I did my usual of sort of thrusting my hips out into the space between us in my apparently ineffective attempt to own that space so he would stay out at a consistent distance and not cut through, followed by arms and end of rein flopping or flailing in his direction. I really should get someone to video tape me though I'm not sure I could tolerate seeing exactly how ridiculous I can look doing ground work with this horse!

Because I am intent on developing more intrinsic communication with my horses, I started thinking, what else can I do? And up from my memory popped the idea of my personal bubble of space -- this time the bubble was more the consistency of (anyone remember this stuff?) the sort of rubber cement bubble material -- came in a little tube with a straw, take a small blob and put it on the end of the straw and blow really, really hard but created a stiff bubble? Anyway, I had this bubble around me, the radius set by the distance that I wanted between us on the circle, and then I sort of put some extra stiffness in the bubble material as we approached the arc of the circle where Rusty wanted to take his short cut to sort of prevent him coming into the bubble. This helped!

Then I resumed my focus on walk trot transitions. I was playing around with exhaling for the transitions and mentally creating a space ahead of us that he could trot into. I felt my previous focus on lights eminating from my shoulders and hips wasn't working well, mostly it was a lot to keep track of mentally -- maybe that is why it didn't work as I couldn't keep track of the imagery and keep connected with Rusty. Yeah, that's it. It became more of a 'doing' thing than a 'being' thing, which doesn't work for me or for Rusty. Now I recall Mark telling a rider to try one new image at a time... I need to remember that.

There I was trying out all sorts of exhales! In hindsight, I was probably jumping from one to the next to the next and not giving us time to be connected and see his response. I wasn't seeing enough so tried something else. Hmm, this same theme again...

Mark Rashid had mentioned a few different ways of exhaling while working with one rider at the October clinic, so I tried those and some more -- tongue up on the roof of my mouth when I exhale, tongue on the floor of my mouth, stiff tongue, loose tongue, slow steady exhale of breath, quick single burst of an exhale, quick series of exhales, exhales in time with each foot pushing off... and more.

I do need to try this again in slow motion. It was almost dark by then and I had some of my "I want it to work darnitall" determination going. Pushy of me!

Then it occurred to me to tune into his hind legs for the transition. Now that made a difference. Both tuning into his hind legs and sort of imagining I was inside his center, or my center was connected with his center, but it wasn't such an intense thinking deal like the lights from my shoulders and hips thing, it was more a ... hmm, a softer thing (wow, realization in hindsight!) of me looking at him with soft eyes (concept ala Sally Swift) -- looking at his hinds and feeling them start to thrust more, and looking at his core area and feeling him loosen and stretch out into a relaxed forward trot.

It happened!!

I want to remember what really worked, to integrate this. It was not the specifics of what I did, but the quality and clarity and the connectedness that I allowed accidentally -- and from now on I want to allow that on purpose!

The other new thing was asking Rusty to jump over some blue plastic 55 gallon drums like I saw TH do at the clinic (and yes, have seen on TV, too). Rusty is sooo ready to leap! More on that at another time. I do hope I can ride with Kathleen Lindley next June when she comes to New Hampshire!

ADDENDUM: More thinking about the bubble of space, and wondering how to have a bubble of space around me while having a bubble of space that encompasses both me and my horse...

Stiff horse...

A new blogging colleague (Hi VC!) has asked for suggestions with how to help her young mare loosen up. She has recovered from Lyme disease and is still stiff in her hindquarters, noticably not reaching enough with her hinds at the trot. I will share a few thoughts about what I might do...

First of all, I would check my own body for stiffness. Even in groundwork, stiffness in my body will be reflected by my horse. There are numerous ways to release stiffness -- sometimes a good walk across uneven terrain will do wonders, as well as yoga and other approaches to stretching and strengthening around all the joints...

Second of all, I would check that her feet are feeling fine. Anything systemic -- illness and/or treatment for illness -- can affect the health of the feet. If the feet are uncomfortable, the rest of the body ain't gonna move well.

I like backing up for many things, especially for strengthening the hind end. Backing up softly, on the flat, on an incline. The soft part is important so start with developing the feel for a back up that feels like you are touching a glider or moving an ounce of nothing on a well oiled surface of ball bearings. Smooth, easy, weightless. Get that feeling on the flat before asking on an incline.

Cavelettis will help a horse reach with fronts and hinds. To be precise, you can trot her on a freshly raked surface then measure her stride and set up the cavelettis accordingly. If she's not used to moving over them, I would start with the poles set at her stride length, and once she's used to them, spread them an inch at a time.

I also like visualizing how I want my horse to move. This requires good observation skills then to see if the horse is making the change you are visualizing. I don't expect these changes to persist at first, but over time they will become more like habit. Assuming I don't drill or otherwise overdo the effort expected. Also assuming I release my horse for making an honest try, for making a change in the direction I'm looking for. I might start with picturing the inside hind reaching 3 inches further for one stride, or something like that.

Turns on the forehand are the lateral workout for the hindquarters, so a smooth, calm stepping over for a step or two or three may be helpful.

Of course massage and passive range of motion of the joints may also help. If there is a good chiropractic vet around, you might get some guidance from her or him how to do this.

Can you pony her out for a fun ride on some trails? If she's willing to walk, trot, canter, she may work some of the stiffness into good condition that way before she is also expected to carry the rider. If she has residual pain in her joints, she might benefit from some herbal pain relief for a week or more or less. I like a devil's claw liquid formula I get at the feed store. You might check with your vet if this is an OK idea after Lymes treatment.

If any readers of this blog have additonal thoughts about this, please share them!

Meandmyhorse

Another concept from Mark Rashid. And one that brings questions.

Mark pointed out to several riders that they were riding on their horse rather than riding with their horse. That they were on the movement, not in the movement.

I realize more and more (again thanks to Mark Rashid and his assistant Crissi) how some energy blocks and stiffness in my joints prevent me from moving with my horse. So to some degree even if my heart and mind are open to becoming this meandmyhorse unity, I wonder whether I can if my body is tight.

I also wonder, if my body is tight and/or energy is blocked, what part of tightness or defensiveness in my mind is that reflecting? Thank goodness this is a forever path of becoming soft. Not an either/or situation. And yes, today, to some degree I can choose defensiveness or softness. But the parameters of this softness I can choose is what will keep changing.

I already notice some differences in my horses, my keenest mirrors here at home. Little things (big things!) like when I reach for my horse through the reins, I can feel him there, responding back to me with a question, an openness: what now, my Friend?

And this is what I wanted from my clinic time with Mark. Something I never did verbalize at the clinic but which I clarified for myself before the clinic. I wanted to know how to change the feeling from Rusty when I ask him for something from 'what now?' to 'what now'?

Ok, so how do I express in two dimensional print media the difference between those two questions?! Maybe I don't. Maybe you can use your imagination to guess what I do not want and what I do want as respresented by those same two words but different feelings, different inflections, different tones of voice...

In any case, I got that from the clinic. And how did I get that? Probably by allowing Mark to direct me, and being open to the softness he brings to every horse, every rider, and aspires to bring to every moment -- every moment. And bringing home with me those memories and my commitment to softness as a way of life.

So, maybe right now I am still "me and my horse" but I am aware of something else, have memories from childhood riding that I know with full confidence I can recapture, no, that I can resume living, of being "meandmyhorse". And I'm actively pursuing increasing my energy flow and reducing the blocks, not just watiing for the magic to happen...

Waiting for the magic

Mark Rashid talked about this numerous times in the October clinics in New Hampshire last month. Waiting for the magic. Too many of us do that with our horses. We ask for something then wait for the horse to do it. We help the horse do something, then sit back and expect the horse to carry on with what we had asked. These are two examples of what I can think of that fit this 'waiting for the magic' idea.

He urged us to Create the Magic! Be the Magic!

What I took from this at the time, was keep staying present with my horse when I am handling or riding him. Again and again and again, be present and responsive, just as I want my horse to be. Oh yes, and soft. Offer softness first...

The magic is there, in fact it is here, now. But do I believe we can do magic together? Now? Or do I think/expect/assume that first we have to do X, Y, or Z before we're ready to become magical together?

Thanks to the influence of Mark and his current and past teaching assistants, I am changing how I am with my horses. I am practicing being how I want us to be. Practicing being soft, being present, practicing creating the attunement and connectedness I want, and even practicing assuming that state right now, rather than assuming we may achieve it later.

Some of it is a feeling state I intentionally will bring on, like feeling excited enough to burst into a canter heading out someplace. In fact we are in the arena, the same arena we've ridden in for the last few weeks of rifle hunting season. But that doesn't really matter! What matters is what feelings I nurture in my heart. When I feel eagerness and anticipation, I can create that magic for us. Perhaps what I'm doing is not creating it, but connecting with that magic where the horse already lives, and connecting without asking the horse to temper or dull out his intrinsic delight in being alive.

Of course part of MY journey of creating the magic includes directing the magical energy. *g* Not just sitting there and hoping for my horse to magically do what I want, but directing how the magic manifests, and of course directing with the most softness I know to offer today.

I have some notes from my clinic time about this 'waiting for the magic' concept. I will get those notes edited and up on my clinicnotes blog! Exactly when? Not sure. But I will...

Special horses

A woman I know took this picture recently and gave me permission to put it here on my blog. There is something deep in these horses that comes through the photo.

Bringing softness and body awareness to ground work

A friend who studies often with Mark Rashid wrote to me about body awareness and softening during ground work as well as while riding. It was good for me to start thinking about ground work with these added components.

I rode Kacee Saturday afternoon and did ground work with Rusty. I tend to avoid ground work with Rusty as I've worked out most things with him much better from the saddle. But, I admit, I always know that someday I'll figure it out in the ground work, too. I'm not one to skirt the issues, not for too long that is.

I re-started ground work with Rusty about a year and a half ago, after I had a bad fall off him and before I mounted after recovering. I was convinced at that point I was missing some things regarding reading where his mind is and what he is feeling, and was determined to find them on the ground before I got on him again. Self preservation -- I was hurting after that fall!

The most remarkable thing I recall from those days in the round pen was the day I was walking with him, at his hip. For whatever reason, we had never figured out how to walk together like that, and certainly never did anything where I was at a distance from him while he was moving around, like free lunging. With halter and lead rope, I could do quite a bit, but without, nada. In fact, we had gotten into some energetic conflicts with me swinging a rope in desperate hopes to either move him forward or back him off, and him on his hind feet, either challenging me in response or defending himself. Whatever the reason, not pretty, very scary, and yes, dangerous.

So, that day I was feeling safe enough to be at his hip, and we were together enough so I was successful at influencing him to walk on with me, following my feel for forward. I kept thinking about Harry Whitney's talking about doing things 'with' the horse (even at a distance), not 'to' the horse.

Our walking path changed directions (no, not magically -- simple due to the fact that Rusty was choosing our direction and I was happy enough to have chosen that we were both walking together someplace without any halter and lead involved. I found myself between Rusty's hip and the round pen panels. I had a worried thought that I might get hurt there, that Rusty might squash me into the panels. As I had that thought, Rusty's head came up and he froze, standing there holding his breath. I was startled by this, and at first it added to my worry, thinking oh my, what is he going to do now?! Then I had the realization that he was responding to my fearful thoughts.

It was an intense moment for me, seeing and accepting that I had caused him to worry about me being close, with my own worried thought. I realized that with my fear thought, I broke our connection, and that startled him, that worried him. I had disappeared as far as he was concerned -- our connection was gone, I had severed it with my fear.

I took a few deep breaths, stepped back behind his hip so I had no tangible reason to worry about the panels, and purposely made the effort to connect with Rusty again, and asked him to move on. He lowered his head and resumed walking and I walked along with him.

This was a turning point for us, with me realizing how my emotional state impacts his. I am still learning about this, during ground work and from the saddle. He continues to be my most awesome teacher.

Today I focused on walking and trotting with him on a long rein (an actual driving rein). I focused on asking in time with my exhale, and using my imagination -- my intention? -- to 'trot' in my energy even as I walked, wanting to influence Rusty to trot. I mostly had to use peripheral energy like exaggerated stride, moving my hand or arm, swinging the end of the rein, even tapping him with it a time or two, but over the course of our time together trying this, he was tuning in more and responding more. It was relatively pleasant, not terribly precise, and the success of having him trotting around at the end of the longer rein was a milestone for us.

I was also monitoring my shoulder openness and imagining the energy out from my shoulders as headlights which could rotate a little, left and right, spreading the cast of the light and creating a space for him to move into. So, wanting him to move to the right, the angle of the light coming from my shoulders would open and draw him into where the light was cast. Then I was playing around with a sense of opening my right hip after I noticed we had an easier time going to the left than the right, and I assumed it has to do with my right hip which I notice when riding tends to be further forward than my left hip. In fact, although I was feeling clumsy trying to get my right hip back and to the right while I walked around, Rusty did seem to move forward with more ease intermittently during my focused period of trying! I should try the headlights imagery next time, using the same idea for my hips as I do for my shoulders. As Mark Rashid said to me when he first helped me by identify the energy blocks in the front of my shoulders, it is not mechanical, I don't need to do anything mechanical to fix it, just bring light to the area, just bring awareness to this...

When Rusty and I were done, he stuck close to me, then I shooed him away so he would go roll. Which he did, then bucked and bounced around before coming back to me. I do love this horse!

Aikido

I came away from my first auditing experience of Mark Rashid wanting to study Aikido to get a better understanding of how to use that way of thinking and awareness and using one's body for horsemanship. The closest dojo is about two hours away. Learning from a video doesn't work because one practices with a partner.

I came away from my first riding clinic experience with Mark with a feel for some Aikido. I am more eager to learn more, but still inhibited from pursuing this by distance, travel time and cost. I understand I can start by learning to fall, and that is taught in many martial arts disciplines. Perhaps I can find that locally.

Meanwhile, the blending I got a feel for from Mark, that is something I hold in mind and apply to the best of my ability when I'm with the horses. I am trying to apply that feel with the cats, when I'm at dance lessons and need to guide a newer student. I seek to incorporate softness all the time. I like that as a personal goal. And will even try to be soft with myself when I fail to remember softness when feeling threatened, defensive, and in conflict...