Excited!

I had the best ride ever yesterday!

I was with Kacee, and started by just asking her to make the choice to keep walking (by letting her stop if she chose, then asking again for a walk) and I let her take me wherever she wanted. It was much sooner than before that she started exploring places to go other than barn, gate, chicken pen, barn, gate, goat pen, gate, barn, peacock pen, gate, peacock pen, barn... and so on.*

My responsibility (I set this up myself, needing clear rules for my experiment's sake) was no push, no pull. Ok, I know it's best to define things in the positive, but I don't have simple words or phrases yet that would describe what I'm talking about. But, don't we all know what it is to use the legs to ask or even demand a horse to go? Don't we all know what it is to use one or two reins to pull a horse into a turn or pull a horse to a stop?

An example of what I'm pursuing is what I'm looking for when I pick up on an otherwise totally slack rein. What I mean by 'pick up' is lifting up and out either right hand/rein or left hand/rein about 2-3" (and eventually it will be much less**). When I pick up, either my horse comes along with the idea of turning without my taking any more slack whatsoever and finds the full release again, or I ask the horse to hurry a little and I wait until somewhere at some time the horse comes off that minute amount of "pressure", which truly is a miniscule asking on my part. The pressure the horse feels is that of the request, not pressure of the aid. This starts to work after spending enough time (whatever that takes for the individual horse and individual rider) of riding with zero pressure -- zero use of seat, leg, or rein aids -- except when asking the horse to 'keep trying', 'look for something else', or 'a little more effort please'.

Am I making any sense? I doubt I could have understood a word I was saying if I hadn't heard it and seen it hundreds of times before, and finally the pieces of the puzzle are sinking in. Libby Lyman, my thoughtful, insightful, enthusiastic, and generous friend/horsemanship colleague/mentor has been a crucial help with putting into words for me things we have both watched done over the years by a few specific horsemen. She has put into language her new experiences, and I have prioritized learning this next piece of my horsemanship puzzle, and here I am today with a big hurray and all this excitement stuff!

Back to yesterday with Kacee. I did carry on at the walk without asking anything of her more than the 'keep trying/look for something else', waiting some time before I even felt she might succeed at coming along with my idea. I wanted us to be successful with this. When I felt her starting to think about heading further up the drive, I asked if she was ready to take me there. Sometimes she wasn't, sometimes she was. I had to do this in slow motion until I could see and feel her at a level I've never before perceived.

Somewhere in all this it felt like we were connected enough and I trusted my consistency with sticking to my rules and she felt trusting that I was sticking to my rules, ie, I was offering her the choice to say yes or no and was not going to suddenly say, ok, enough already, let's just go down the drive (push, push, pressure, pressure, using aids to close doors and limit her choices).

So I felt confident that I was doing something that made sense to her and she was breathing well and feeling confident and walking out freely, not sucked back. I brought this up to the trot. I didn't keep her in the trot, and if she came back to the walk, I just asked for the trot again. I'd ridden up and down the rather steep but short inclines off to the side of the barn enough times to know she knew her footing and to know I knew we were fine trotting or cantering down the slope with her slamming on the brakes at the gate at the bottom of the slope, or doing a quick 180 and heading back up again.

Here and there I asked, 'can we go this way?' and more and more she said 'yes' but maybe only a few steps. When she stopped, I asked for go again but without telling her where. That was her choice as long as she had any drag in the rein at all. I wanted no drag. I wanted forward and eager coming from her, not coming from 'because I have to'.

And then she took me further, at the trot, and back towards the barn at a trot that was no faster than leaving the barn. Then she took me even further, at the trot, and broke into a canter, a nice comfortable 'I'm going someplace' canter down the road. And I went with her. My intention: have it feel really, really wonderful between us, that sweet feeling, when she was taking me someplace with all that forward, willing energy.

Ah, a piece of heaven. And I'm soooo proud of myself for not getting greedy, not asking her for more than she offered. When she wanted to slow, I was with her and we slowed together and stopped at my request, and proceeded at my request. Together. From a release to motion not from a push to go.

This has been an illusive dream for years. Illusive because nobody before had explained it to me such that I could 'get it' and play around with it. Illusive because at least with some horses I have been able to go out and ride without having to figure out what changes I needed to make to have this dream come true. I feel really good about this. Really good.

I'm working toward this with Rusty, too. And will do this with Sofia, Prince, Bo, Soli. Oh, honestly, will I really do this with Soli? He's my point and shoot horse -- I can ride him anywhere with so little effort! But yeah, I'll offer this to him as well as I value his collaboration, too. I owe it to him for all the goodness he offers despite our human deficits!

I don't know yet how this will carry over to a trail ride with another horse and rider for example. I don't know yet how this will carry over to when someone else rides my horse(s). I don't know yet how I will integrate this into my teaching. It is so much a different approach than all the miriad ways to apply pressure. I am so excited about this, deep in my belly.


Update from above after today's ride (I've added astericks in the above text).
* Today's ride on Kacee was 15 minutes and we went further than we did yesterday. She let go of her barn choice much sooner than yesterday.
** Today she was responding to my squeezing the rein with a couple of fingers like she had when I lifted the rein a couple of inches.

I also rode Prince today, and Rusty. Rusty made some changes quickly, and seems to enjoy climbing! We have other steep inclines and he thinks nothing of taking off up or down them. I'm learning something I've wanted to learn -- how to ride with a horse cantering down a steep incline. :-)

Prince was fun and taught me something important. When I get to feeling I need to pull, that is because the horse doesn't really understand left and right. When I think I need to get firm with my legs or such, that means the horse doesn't understand forward. I spent as much time working on left and right and go with Prince as anything. He's more ready to go new places, to leave the barn door, however he told me today how little he knows about turning and moving out in harmony with the rider. I think this was the third time I've ever ridden him. He has so much to offer and I know much of the brace against 'let's go' got cleared up. The left and right needs more time. I did pull on him today contrary to my intention. I should have dealt with left and right in the arena where wandering out into the road or off across the lawn would not be an option. That is when I pulled, when I wanted to prevent some trouble. My bad. Thank heavens I get another try!


Up to the barn from the gate ...




Down to the gate from the drive ...




Up to the peacock pen from the gate ...




The road where Kacee took me at the canter...

Big and Little

I rode Ms. Big and Mr. Little the other evening. RNB came home and I asked him to take some pictures. Here we are. Can you tell which horse is which?






RNB with the camera was like a magnet for the horses. Admittedly most of the pictures captured us in the start of a turn away from where he stood. These came out well though -- and in honor of my blogging friend who purposely displays her mistakes -- I will point out that I've got my eyes turned downward in most of the pictures, including these two. I know I was looking to see when the horse's eye came around the turn I was asking for. Someday I would like to feel that without looking. Feel that and trust what I'm feeling. I wait for the eye to come around the turn so I'm releasing for the mind coming with the turn, not just the feet coming into a turn. I can see on one horse that I've asked for a right turn and the horse has not yet responded by putting slack back into the rein. Which horse is that?

I reviewed some pics from the winter. Boy oh boy -- Mr. Little aka Bo sure does change from season to season regarding the amount of hair he carries!






Bo's weight is good. The supplement I feed (check link to Balanced Equine Nutrition if you like) and maybe his changed mental attitude is helping him keep some meat on his bones. I'd like to find a very handy youngster who want a pony like Bo. Then I would have room here to take in another horse-in-need. Or then I would have time to ride the 'other' horses more!

Burned

I loved this house. It held dear memories. When I sold it, I took those memories with me, disengaged them from the actual setting. Slowly as I cleaned it and mowed the lawn and managed some fixing up projects, I said my thank yous and my good byes.

That was last summer. Earlier this spring, there was a fire there, and much was damaged. I went by recently to see the changes. I felt no pangs, thankfully, but curiosity about transformation by fire. It is weird. I love that the blueberry bushes are flourishing!

Fun with Fhaltair

I barter. Most frequently I barter hair cuts and horsemanship lessons. I get the hair cuts, she gets the horsemanship. We both like this arrangement.

Today I spent time "training" Fhaltair, her daughter's Hanovarian yearling. He's such a doll. Not really a looker, still got that gangly kid look about him. But a doll in all other aspects. Willing, calm, attentive. Comfortable going with me, comfortable blowing me off now and then. He seems to live in a learning frame of mind, oh, about 94% of the time. Naw, that's an underestimate. I'd say 99.9% of the time. He doesn't get upset about much of anything. He will start thinking about the grass instead of me, but it's not regular and hey, I can handle the fact that the grass is more interesting sometimes than I am!

He's for sale by the way. If you are interested, let me know. I get nothing for mentioning this, other than knowing I'm helping a nice horse find a nice home, and helping some nice people manage their lives with less stress.



Checking out the baggie. I was told he was exposed to the baggie before in an effort to make him move out. He was worried about it at first.



I'm checking out if he can stand still while I pet him and walk around him. He wanted to follow me or walk off at first but quickly understood that it felt good to just stand there.




Ground driving or long lining.




Example of when he was more interested in the grass!

Growing confirmed

I just rode Sofia. One of many vets I now consult with depending on the need, recommended I ride her at the walk now, in case some of her ongoing lameness is due to scar tissue within her foot that needs to break up. So I rode. First time on her for months. Parts of it felt like we are in a better place than before. Parts felt like things were worse. Forward is better. Steering is worse. I took my time so I could monitor what I am doing, thinking about her response coming before I pick up the reins, and if not then, looking for it immediately, and if not then, helping her by my waiting for her to come off the rein by rearranging her body, or sometimes by my sensing her getting ready to rearrange her body. About 20 minutes of a ride and ended on a good note. Torsion treeless saddle, lead rope attached to web halter, carrying bridle and bit without reins. What is the growing confirmed about? Sofia had some very definite ideas about being bridled. Is she telling me she doesn't like it? Maybe so. Will that keep me from being clear, helping her find the soft place between us? No. And that includes finding the soft place while bridling. The vet who is coming the week after next will assess taking Sofia's wolf teeth out. That might be a concern with wearing a bit. Or it might not. I can't tell 100% or not. She's had such intrusions to her mouth lately that I don't know which if any is most disturbing to her. Bleh. Some days I wish there was an easy way to get things done. Maybe I should say I wish I had more skill and confidence in my choices of how to get something done!

In any case, I love that horse and enjoyed this short ride. Now for perhaps a longer ride on someone else. Your guess is as good as mine who it will be!

Reflections from January

I can think on my feet at times. Other times it takes hours, days, weeks, months for some thoughts to come clear.

In January I had an exchange with a friend about my Morgan mare, Kacee.

Me to she:
I wonder why I am so likely to disregard her feelings and ask her to go places she'd rather not.

She to me:
This is really interesting. I wonder, too. I think I do this too annnnd I think it ties in with some of my questions about why I ride ...[my horse]... the way I do and why you ride different horses the way you do. Maybe you should describe her and that will give clues.

Me to myself:
How would I describe Kacee? She's attentive, certain, opinionated, herd leader. She's delightfully responsive when in her comfort zone, incredibly strong survival instinct kicks in when she is out of her comfort zone. She sticks around when I fall off. She walks off more often than not when I approach her with halter in hand. She stands still for saddling, bridling, mounting. I can ride her without a bridle or reins and she understands forward, left, right, stop and back from my body, but gets a little too excited to listen when we're trotting or cantering this way. She has tolerated all sorts of "natural horsemanship" approaches that I have studied and applied to her, so she must have a big question mark when I show up -- what is she going to ask of me now and how? She is first to the food, but will wait for me to step aside before she comes in for hay after I've reminded her to wait. She has lovely walk and trot to ride; her canter is fast. Her hind legs are crooked as are her hind feet. She has protected me from Rusty when he was young and rowdy and I was vulnerable and helpless. Like trot right over and bite him on the withers to move him away from me.

Clues to why I don't listen to her well? To why I overexpose her frequently? To why I'm impatient to just get on her and go someplace?

Months later, I find pieces of the answer. As with many things, the actual facts of it are simple. I am thinking and reacting, not being present and responsive in the here and now. Instead of assessing who she is right now and what she needs for support and proceeding from there, I approach her with expectations based on the past (my past with her and my past with all relationships) and lay those expectations like a tinted translucent film over our experience.

When I am without that film, I can see what she is telling me and help her, right now, to feel better about what we're doing, right now, and then carry on to explore other things, right now, together and with some harmony instead of me pushing, she resisting. It has to be feeling good or else I'm forcing my ideas on her. I want to influence what we do together, and that requires me first to influence her mental and emotional state so she is open to do something together with me, and some day (which might be in two minutes or two months) she will want to do something together with me. And I want to be present, right now, whenever this happens. Not bound up mentally thinking about something else, missing another moment with this powerhouse of equine delight.

Here and Now

Some of us value being in the here and now just as it is. Some of us tolerate, even rejoice, in the here and now that we find moment to moment. Some of us want to be in the here and now later, as soon as ... the rain stops, the elbow stops hurting, the new well is paid for...

The here and now is here and now. It is not later. We have the ability to think we are in the here and now however we are only thinking that. Thinking about being is a step separated from being without thinking. How many of us have memory of this state? How many of us are familiar with it? How many of us can recover it at will? How many of us do not really know that this Here and Now thing might have great value?

Our horses live in the here and now. Yes, they have memories of what happened in the past, and if we establish a habit around them, they can anticipate the future. But they are 100% grounded in the here and now, by birth and unalterable by us, even when they have a memory or an anticipation. And in order to connect with them, in order to actually see what is Here and Now with them, we need to be here, now.

An exchange with Mark Rashid got me thinking more about this. He said "truth is negotiable" and asked if I agreed. At first I did not. That led to my seeking a shared understanding of what "truth" means, and also what "negotiable" means. I had an inaccurate interpretation of "negotiable" which included elements of "compromise", so once that cleared up, I was able to agree. Some key part of the exchange referred to when person A is doing X, and person B, not present with A at the moment of A's doing X, believes A is doing Y. So A's perception of the truth (I'm doing X) is different from B's perception of the truth (A is doing Y), but both perceptions are understood subjectively by each as 'the truth'.

After looking at how one truth is actually what is happening and the other is a (mis)interpretation of the actual facts, it became clear that indeed truth is negotiable.

I still have trouble with the word 'negotiable'. It troubles me because I have thought it refers to when two people each have to give up something in order to agree. I prefer the model that two people can each gain something in creating agreement or accord. My friend RW helped me open my thinking as I substitute "compromise" to reflect the meaning I had for "negotiate".

Listening to Mark I caught a picture of not just how it is between two people in general, but how it is between teacher and student of horsemanship, and in line with the concept of parallel process, how it is between human and horse.

The horse would be like person A, and reflecting the actual facts or truth of the situation. The human is B, who has an interperative story about the actual facts, which distorts those facts to some degree and hence distorts the emotional and behavioral response to the actual facts.

It shows up in terms of a horse in pain for example. How many times have you seen a horse who looks off from unsoundness or saddle fit or something else? And the owner/rider has managed to hide those facts from consciousness for whatever important reasons. Meanwhile, the human's perceptions do not reflect the actual facts, or in this case, the horse's truth.

This can apply to emotional issues as well. The actual facts may be that the horse is in pain and cannot give 100%. Horse and person A's perceptions coincide with reality. Person B's perception, based on a misinterpretation of the actual facts -- horse is not giving 100% -- might foster the thought that the horse is lazy, or perhaps the horse is sneaky, trying to get out of work.

With whose truth do you want to be in alignment?

Influenced by Libby Lyman and my horses

I have become increasingly aware of how quickly I get defensive, and when I get defensive I get tense, critical, pushy, distrusting. Or perhaps when I start feeling distrusting, I get defensive, critical, tense... In any case, I am intent on getting below and beyond this reactivity in me. Even to the point of inviting RNB to tell me when he feels I'm being critical. Sometimes I cannot tell because a degree of criticism is sometimes hidden in my 'good intentions' and my 'advice giving'. It is tricky business, the line between 'let's do what I want to do because my idea is better', and 'let's do what I want to do because your idea is worse.' I sure know that someone can say the former and I hear the latter.

I was told years ago that my Rusty horse feels criticized most of the time. I was not gracious hearing that and in fact became defensive and critical of the speaker of that truth. My reaction interrupted a budding friendship. That is sad.

Meanwhile, Rusty has not had the same freedom as that person had -- Rusty cannot walk away. Well, he CAN walk away, but not far because I have fences keeping him here. But there are other ways he could 'walk away' -- mentally and emotionally -- and as time passes and I become more aware, he shows less interest in walking away. For his benefit and for the benefit of my relationship with this amazing horse, I am deeply compelled to unravel this burden I carry and inadvertantly share with all beings in my vicinity.

Yesterday I made huge gains, at least in my assessment. I'd say based on Rusty's changes, in his assessment, too.

What does this have to do with Libby Lyman? She taught a clinic last weekend in Maine at Piper Ridge Farm. I kept hearing about and seeing how to set it up so the horse finds the answer and hence can feel good about -- and OWN -- the lesson learned. This is NOT what happens when I help out. This is NOT what happens when I say a lot of 'yes, good' to the horse. It IS what happens when I breathe and wait and watch and give him time to come to his own conclusions about what works or what doesn't.

Yesterday it was about bridling. Rusty and I have a long history of controversy about bridling and the past few years, it's been relatively easy to bridle him and carry on with my plans to ride him, in the arena or on a trail. But before yesterday, I never stopped long enough to help him find a way to help me with the bridling. I have, in so many relatively clear and gentle ways, been using pressure and release as best I understood it, to show him the answer, ie,. show him where to hold his head so I can bridle him easily.

In the process of doing this exercise in patience and clarity, I learned more -- like the horse, for myself finding the answsers opposed to being told by a teacher -- about the timing of asking for something else and the meaning of feeling good together.

The asking for something else is NOT me telling him what I'm asking for. That is so tricky for me because Rusty is attentive and willing enough at this point to do just about anything I ever ask of him. This might be why I can take this next step. So, he will do anything I ask, and with very light cues on my part, a shift of my weight, a gentle lift or squeeze of a rein, a clear thought about stepping to the left while my body steps to the left and he's there with me. It has become like a very pleasant dance and indeed it has been personal growth for me to become the leader of the dance. After all, I'm a sensitive new age woman, and I know how to follow like a wisp of smoke, no dragging me around the dance floor is needed!

So here I was a few days ago, on one level so pleased that I can ride Rusty out on the trail alone, without the comfort of another horse for him, mostly soft and responsive, and on another level recognizing that we're out there because I want us to be and Rusty is comfortable being submissive to my requests. Indeed this IS progress, but is it really what I want? That lingering feeling that if I stopped this subtle asking over and over again, he'd turn and head back to the barn without a thought.

Then the weekend around Libby and it hits home again and again, all the little ways I'm pushing and pulling on my horse. Yes, sometimes they are big ways but mostly little ways. But it's still pushing and pulling! I am starting to recognize the difference, and I'm certain Rusty has known the difference all along but all the other factors in our relationship have finally added up to a solid 'getting along'.

I want more. I want this horse (and every horse!) to know he has a choice and to believe in his horsey mind that he is choosing on his own, that he is checking this option and that option and finding the most right choice in his mind, which happens to be the one that suits me, too.

There is something very simple behind all this complexity. It's about feeling good. It's about zero pressure for the horse. How many times have I heard that! However the more I recognize the core importance of finding a zero pressure spot for myself, the more I can recognize how important it is for the horses. But so many, many layers of the onion skin have to be peeled away to find this vulnerability, this sensitivity, this place where true responsiveness is felt, allowed, honored. And it's only when I find it in my own experience that I can own it, and offer it to others.

Drafts

Ok, I am not talking about a type of horse!

I am talking about the partially formed blog entries that I have accumulated. Seven in the past couple of weeks.

I get a compelling idea and start to write, then other priorities take me away. I don't know when I'll get back to these other ideas, but their essences are not eluding me. It's a matter of good timing. I do have time to write this much today!

Portrait of Sofia

Recently I learned from a friend that she had done a portrait of Sofia based on a photo from June 2006 time in TN with Harry Whitney and friends. She has given me permission to put it here on my blog. This is a digital picture of the original drawing.



I am amazed at her talent, and her interest in Sofia as a subject. And pleased! Of course I am partial to this horse, and enjoy being reminded of our time with Harry last year.

She can do consignment work -- contact info:

Kathy D. Baker
Follow Your Bliss Farm
Midway TN
kindredspirit58@comcast.net

Mark Rashid

These past four days learning from Mark Rashid changed my baseline for what I expect from myself and from any horse I'm around. It changed what I see, what I feel, what I think, what I will offer, what I will accept as "best".

I had read some of his books and I had read some reports and conversations from folks who have studied and ridden with him. I was not surprised to find I liked being influenced by him. I was surprised with the scope and depth of his experience and what he focussed on as he taught a series of individual lessons over these four days.

The whole experience feels very exciting and integrating to me. I started playing with energy and those invisible things four decades ago. And there I was in the presence of a horseman who talks about this, uses it, helps riders to use it, of if they are not ready or their horse is not ready, helps them with the steps of preparation so this essential and most subtle and soft way of being will be all that is needed.

I am full of renewed enthusiasm about my connection with horses and the work/play that is ahead of me. I came away feeling confident I have enough tools and awareness to assess what I can or cannot do today with a horse, and what to do to proceed to refine my presentation and hear if the horse is open to this, and what to do if not.

Mark Rashid was clear about this:

Our consistency builds dependability in the eyes of the horse, which in turn builds trust, which allows the horse to be peaceful.

More later here or in my clinicnotes blog.

Mark's website: www.MarkRashid.com

Delight

I had thought about riding yesterday however the rain was with us again! I messed with the horses anyway -- putting Sofia out on the hay field/pasture with Rusty, Kacee, and Prince, and after trimming the two, put Bo and Soli together in the larger of the winter paddocks. I checked on them often as this was a first, turning Soli out with someone other than Sofia.

Instead of stepping back and letting the horses gallop through gates and onto the pasture, I took them one by one and released them after they were showing me some signs of attending to what I asked. Prince was the hardest to get some sign of 'settled and attending' with lots of little rears instead of backing up and finally a moment of head 1/2 inch lowered and eye a teensy bit softer.

When I released him in the field he offered the most delightful display of excess energy I've ever seen, including bursting into airs above the ground several times after he'd started munching! Prince would be a good candidate for the sort of training that leaves most of the horse's natural life intact, as he's so light and eager to respond and also so careful around people.

I wish I'd had it on camera. What athleticism combined with pure exuberance!

Bo and friend

What pleasant surprises abound!

I experimented with the herd yesterday, letting Kacee, Rusty, Prince, and Sofia out on pasture, and keeping Bo and Soli in the larger winter paddock. I did this after watching Bo play buddy games with Soli over the gate a couple of times when he went under the fencing that is meant to leave a No Horse Zone between the two paddock areas.

They did fine together, so much so that I put them together in the smaller paddock for the rest of the day and through the night, leaving Sofia with the others when I brought them in from the pasture.

Here is proof of this latest nice surprise:



I wonder if his increased comfort with the other horses has anything to do with his generally more relaxed manner. That I attribute to his increasing clarity about what I expect and what I offer him, and perhaps that is bringing out some new behaviors. What do I expect? At times not much, but I do spend time right away when I have him haltered, helping him let go of his worried thoughts and then engage him in some simple activity, thinking all the time to notice his tries and his successes. So he's feeling good about what he can offer me, good about what he's learning to do to get along. It was very sweet yesterday when I was trimming him, those moments when he felt safe enough to let me put his foot back on the ground, rather than his snatching it away and slamming it on the ground.

These kinds of changes mean a lot to me, and I suspect, to him as well.

Brats!

My friend wrote about the former reputation of her young horse. She was labeled a brat. And according to former owners, earned that reputation.

But what does that mean, that a horse is a brat?

I used to call Rusty a brat, even made it one of my "affectionate" nicknames for him: Mr. Bratsky.

Poor horse. He is such a tuned in horse with a lot of try and eagerness to get along whenever possible within his limits of ability and understanding, that when things were going well with us, he would try to live up to my image of him as a brat! What a lot of effort he put into that and to what ends? It just confirmed for me what I was projecting onto him in the first place.

Poor horse.

Back to my question: what does that mean, that a horse is a brat? We use the word with people (kids most often) who are being outspoken, playful, going against the grain, doing the unexpected and/or the unwanted... So, a brat is someone who has an independent mind and is acting with integrity? And we use a pejorative to belittle and discourage those wonderful qualities.

With Rusty, I had to discipline myself to get specific in my mind regarding what he was doing that I didn't like. So when I found myself starting to call him a brat (or just having already done so) I asked myself, what is he doing that bothers me? It was often when he was expressing his opinion and I didn't have time for it, or I felt threatened by what he was doing. I didn't like what he was doing, I took it personally (key element as well!), and I wanted him to feel ashamed of himself and have more self control. EEGADS. Sure sounds like poor parenting communications! The old "cut it out" stuff that comes bubbling out in those moments of less self awareness. Attempts to control the other because I feel uncomfortable.

So Rusty has some new nicknames. He has not been Mr. Bratsky for years although I like the sound of that one, I must admit. Lately he is "Roo", or "Roo Boy", some confabulated offshoot from "Rusty", or maybe a mix of "Rusty" and "Doofus", or "Rusty" and "Goofy"? As that is how I see his "bratty" behavior now -- goofy, silly, lively, to be acknowledged, perhaps enjoyed, and forgotten. He is such an expressive horse and I truly do appreciate that about him.

So, as usual, Rusty has facilitated some learning and behavior changes in me. Thank you, Roo Boy!

Riding Bo

I've ridden Bo twice this week. I'm trusting him more, he's trusting me more. He is less agitated when he's worried, and it's easier to get his mind back with me.

I've taken him to the arena without the comfort of bringing along another horse. So his mind goes to his gal, Sofia, then comes back. Back and forth. Yesterday I left him in the 20x20 paddock for a few minutes and was curious to see how nervously active he got. Then when I returned he was still active just not as much, and would stop for some grass between walking over to the fence closest to Sofia. So he was taking some comfort in my proximity. This is a change.

Another change is that I am seeing him more for who he is, not just what he looks like. There is quite some complexity and insecurity and determination and willingness beneath that attractive pony appearance. Another change is that he's starting to carry himself differently when he's "relaxed", not upside down like he did when he arrived here. (He easily comes into self carriage aka natural collection when his boy energy surfaces!) So something is changing inside him. It's so nice to see.

Most of our ground work is geared to helping him let go of his thoughts more easily. He will do just about anything I ask of him, but he's a smart one and can do without fully paying attention to me. So I'm asking for more of his insides to be with me, not just his feet and body. I've been experimenting with what I've seen Harry do, asking the horse forward, back, sideways, turning, etc. while holding onto the halter knot under the chin or the noseband. This gives the horse less chance to space out or take over into doing their own thing. I would not do this right away with a horse, but Bo is apparently far enough along in his ablilty to let go and be with me that we were successful. Even worked through some sticky places in his backing up. I don't ask for much, but it can seem like a whole lot to him, then it all gets so simple and clear and easy when he understands what I want. I'm getting better at helping him find that place of understanding sooner.

Riding was fun. He has a great long, thick mane growing in so I have built in handles. I'm riding in the Torsion treeless, about the best fit although I really need to go get a smaller girth -- it's just barely snug enough so I figure I'm riding bareback but in comfort.

His steering is pretty good. I'm keen on keeping all of our rides slow and thoughtful. Slow in terms of how much I ask of him -- not slow in terms of his feet. He kept himself to a walk for the first ride, and yesterday he trotted. I don't ask him to trot -- he offered that. I do ask him to walk, turn, and sometimes ask him to stop. He has a quick walk, definitely going someplace. So different from his girlfriend who would amble casually through life if she could have her way!

In the back of my mind, I'm getting Bo better assessed and ready to sell. However the more he goes well and settles well while away from Sofia, the more I think, hey, this endearing little pony, I should keep him.

Once Sofia is recovered enough so I can turn them out with the rest of the herd, maybe my mind will be swayed by the herd dynamics. Things are pretty pleasantly quiet these days with Bo and Sofia separated from the other four. This separation is only so Sofia will move less while her injured foot is healing. But it is tempting, I must admit, to leave the herd split in two! They are all so much more mellow this way!

Cleaning bugaboo

It's funny -- I actually enjoy deep cleaning but I have this HUGE resistance to the IDEA of cleaning. Haven't quite put my finger on the history of that other than a cleaning woman we had when I was a kid wasn't well thought of in my family, nor by me because each week it seemed she broke another of the horse statues I collected and she brought candy for my two younger brothers but not for me (and probably not for my older brother either). Funny how things from childhood make such a lasting impression!

Meanwhile, I have been cleaning today as a gift to RNB. He works hard outside the home this time of the year. I seldom work hard although I think hard if that makes sense or counts for anything! Anyway, today I tried some discipline -- work in the morning and play in the afternoon. Well, I got so into the cleaning (vacuuming window sills) that it is now 2 PM and I'm just switching gears.

I had intended on furthering the cleaning efforts in the barn. RNB has done the remarkable job of removing all sorts of items stored there for eternity. My chosen job is to neatly arrange the stuff we still need there, and sweep (cough, cough). Today I decided I would wait for the dust masks RNB promises to bring home. No matter how slowly and gently I was sweeping yesterday, I still got covered with hay dust inside and out.

From my AZ notes

[This belongs here in this blog, not in my clinic notes blog. But it is from my clinic notes, February 2007 in AZ with Harry Whitney.]




Talk with Harry in evening: I got stuck wanting to finish something I started, doing it my way. Talking about my narrow mindedness that showed up with Cajun in the afternoon and my insistence on him doing what I asked regardless of what he could understand today, and regardless of how he was feeling. I forgot to think creatively about how to help him feel better!

Feeling a bit haunted by what Harry and I talked about and facing my issues. He asked something like would I expect a kid to know it all right away. And my answer was 'yes', because my expectations are way off! Today I forgot how little Cajun knows because it had been going so well. I forgot that just because it was going well in the arena, it didn't mean we had enough time and repetition so he would be able to "listen" under stress.

On the trail at the end Cajun was stressed, feeling too separated from the herd. It never occurred to me to notice that and take that into consideration creatively. It never occurred to me to give up my idea and try something else. Like Harry said, after the fact about the reins: either the horse gives to them or they're not there. I didn't have to try to use what worked with Belle with Cajun, especially when I felt it's not working and I was just "shouting" through the reins and he wasn't with me. I expected too much of Cajun. I failed to think creatively about how to help him feel better. I forgot how little he knows about how to let go of a thought. Argh at me! For applying what worked with Belle on Cajun.

Why couldn't I access some creativity or even some other solutions? Where had my brain gone? Ideas Harry suggested were: take a short cut to catch up; trot up to group; simple stuff. At that point I was focussed on my little plan of how to deal -- STUCK!

And it makes me feel so sad!

How can I dare to be creative? How can I remember that Cajun isn't Belle? How can I hone/fine tune the balance between helping the horse let go of their thought so my thoughts have room, and going along with their thoughts too much and letting them take over? I want to be better at this!!!! More fair and understanding to the horse!!

This amazing gap between what I can mentally grasp about horses and how I perform when with them. OUCH.




Amazing what can be learned when one is willing to face the septic tank of the soul...

Hay dust

In my ears, nose, throat. On my shirt, jeans, boots. Definitely will take a shower at the end of the day.

Barn cleaning. Not only moving stuff out, but dusting and sweeping years' worth of hay dust. Some days I wear a dust mask while I clean, other days I sweep very slowly to minimize the air turbulance that helps distribute the dust.

The barn sure looks good these days. I have been silently vowing to keep our new barn this clean, devising plans to clean once a week. (Dreaming, I am!)

Meanwhile, I need to call and arrange for another 500 bales. Adding hay and dust to the barn. Fresh hay. Fresh hay dust. There must be a difference between old and new dust!

Conversation about pressure

A friend wrote (as I understand it) about discovering some value in starting her rides without pressuring herself or her horse, then she could feel the right time to ask for something that might be perceived as pressure by the horse. She is hoping she can keep this awareness and this practice...

My response to her:

Yes, please keep this, and keep writing about it. I need reminders, too. Just as it is for the horses, it is an effort for us to keep our newer, better habits functioning instead of carelessly letting former habits and reactivity take over...

To quote my friend, Harry Whitney, again, "So they're started, so they go."

My understanding of that is that the foundation put into a horse is what the horse resorts to under stress/pressure. So if a horse has a foundation built on trust and understanding (lucky horse!), under stress that horse will look to be understanding from a fairly calm spot inside himself. If the foundation includes pressure and uncertainty and fear, then when the fan gets hit by you know what, that horse will lose access to what he's learned and react with fear and anxiety, and that too often looks like a wreck!

Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt talk about times when the chemical get coursing through our bodies, and how adrenaline affects us (I'll generalize to all mammals) and how cortisol affects us. When cortisol gets activated, our old brain kicks in and we are feeling and acting on survival mode regardless of our best ideas. Only when the chemicals change inside us can we again access our front brain where the executive decisions are usually made.

To paraphrase another friend, it's like learning a second language. The foundation is the first language, the later learned is the second language. When stressed out, one can remember and use the primary language, but not the second language. This example was given to me when I was trying to understand why my dear RNB could communicate so well at times and so poorly at times. Communicating consciously is a second language to him. I began to recognize and then acknowledge or question the pressure/stress he was experiencing when communication got rough, instead of reacting with disappointment, loss, and fear -- "hey where did that wonderful man go?" Same deal with the horses. If they are in a reactive mode, they can't speak the new language they've been learning. Nor do they deserve anything more than understanding and patience and guidance to be safe.

It's such an interesting journey to be mindful or watching ourselves as we do things -- what am I feeling, what am I thinking, what is behind that little snippy thing I said (to horse or human)... Allowing the 'no pressure' zone is like settling into a meditative state, and that is where I can find/hear/listen/sense the what and when of action steps to take. True in all areas of my life.

Letting go, going forward

This is about me, but of course will be reflected in my horsemanship.




We have a For Sale sign in the yard in front of our house now.





I cried when I arrived home and saw it. It was not a surprise -- I knew we were putting this house on the market. But it was an emotional shock to move from "going to" to "doing". It's a doing thing now, not a plan.

RNB was here and at first didn't understand my emotions. He has moved a lot and doesn't consciously form attachments as I do. He does in his own way though, and I recall his emotions when we first came to this decision, many months ago. I was able to suggest a scenario that he could relate to and he understood my feelings.

I feel vulnerable. We are saying -- here, someone come take this house from us. But we don't have our next plan in place, ready to receive us.

I was thinking last night about my incredible procrastination with finishing up my mother's probate process. I realized that some tangled thinking in my head, that came to consciousness last night, went something like this: as long as I still have some work to do, some stuff to disburse, then I still feel like I have some remnants of my mother out there ready to take care of me should I need her. If I give everything away that was hers, then there is nothing left in case I need something from her to get me through a rough spot. I shared this with RNB, and he commented, "so you'll be on your own now?"

My mother was always there. Not always ready to offer me what I needed, but always ready to offer what she thought I needed, or what she wanted to offer, or what she could offer. Although I got mad at times that she couldn't give me what I needed (and I'm not certain it was her role to do that all the time), I truly counted on her eagerness to give me something. She was especially radiant in her generosity when someone was ill or injured, needing her nurse persona.

There are some emotional parallels between my feelings about this house and my feelings about my mother. It's about the vulnerability of not having something that I've been relying on to keep me safe and warm.

So it's a time for me to let go. And let go some more. It's funny -- I kinda know when something like this is brewing under the surface. I start wanting to eat some butterscotch/caramel type creamy foods, like ice cream or flan!

We have a dream we are building. And a lovely old house that has served us well, kept us warm and dry and busy, heard our tears and our laughter, housed our cats and our belongings. Thank you, dear house, for being our home. Thank you, fields and barn for supporting our horses, cows, sheep, goats, birds... Thank you, dear gardens, for your beautiful flowers and your edible vegetables and berries. Thank you, surroundings, for your bountiful wildlife underground, above ground, and in the air. This is a special place, and may your next humans appreciate and care for you as well as we have.