Velvet

I spent a few hours recently with my friend, Gloria, and her young mare, Velvet. Gloria asked me to write out some of my observations to help her recall what went on during that time. Here are those thoughts pretty much as I wrote them to her.

One of your 'wants' was to see me ride Velvet. I knew I wanted to go through some assessment/get connected time together with her before I decided whether it would feel safe and right to mount her. That assessment would give me (and did give me) a sense of how attentive and responsive and understanding of my requests she might be.

In the round pen at liberty... what does she do and how does she do it when I ask her to do something with me?

Key thing to think about, be aware of: is she with me, are we connected and feeling good together? All my efforts are to build a good feeling between us that she can trust and will look for. A good feeling as the foundation of all of our interactions.

Can we walk off together? Can we stop together. Can we trot together? Can we turn left or right together? Can she walk off from me when I request but still stay mentally connected? Can she speed up without getting worried?

Sometimes Velvet got stuck and when she got stuck, it took more effort on my part to effect a change (halt to walk for example, or walk to trot) and when she made the change it was faster or quicker, had some worry and hurry involved. When she was present and responsive to my requests, her transitions were smooth and effortless.

You and I talked about her history and the sense that she coped (and still copes) by dissociating, by spacing out. Then she is very "spooky" or startles when she's coming back to the here and now. So, if she reacts with some hurried movement when I've gotten bigger or firmer in my request because she didn't respond to my more subtle requests, her spooky actions are due to her surprise, her startledness upon returning to here and now -- perhaps simply that surprise, or perhaps surprise plus fear that she's about to get punished or bullied or whatever it was that has left her wanting to 'go away' mentally from the present. So, doing things to invite her here, even insist that she come here (here means the present mentally and emotionally, not a specific physical location) are not what causes her reactions (though they could if timing or degree of firmness were off) but her own inside worries are what causes her reactions.

Greeting her with warmth, reassurance, quietness inside when she comes through these places will help build the foundation of 'it feels good together' for her. She will always have her memories, but she will more and more be able to recall and rely on memories that feel good.

We talked about the timing of reassuring her. When you reassure her while she is worried, she will understand that being worried is a wanted condition, an emotional state that we value. If you think thoughts like 'you can make it, you can find a feeling place that feels better' while you ask and/or wait for change, then reassure her when you see her soften (eye, mouth, breathing, etc.) that will let her know that searching and finding her way to a change is what is wanted.

She was a little worried about the saddling and would stand for it but I asked her to move a little. Actually I think this was just with the saddle pad. I would rather a horse show me how bad they feel than have them stand there and stuff it. Stuffing bad feelings leads to explosions of smaller or greater degree. If it feels like the horse is a little worried with a saddle pad for example, I will ask her to walk off. So often, once a horse knows she can leave, that she has a choice, then she will stay. Velvet was certainly within the emotional range of being able to think things through, never hit a panic mode. From what you say, you can take credit for that because you've already helped her feel OK enough to keep her mind engaged to some degree even when she's worried about something. Very important!

Her understanding and responsiveness to my leg and rein aids when mounted improved. I did not try to keep her moving once I had asked for a walk and she answered with a walk. If she stopped, I just asked again. Lots of opportunities to ask for walk and for her to respond with walk. Sometimes it took a LOT of energy from me before she would walk. It felt like she got stuck and didn't know how to get out of the bad feeling place, didn't know what she could do to stop the pressure from my leg aids. She started to understand that. I tried each and every time to ask with the lightest of request that I could imagine (the thought to walk!) then follow up with stronger requests until she made some effort to walk. At first it might be just the feeling that she was considering to walk. I want her to understand my release means 'yes' or 'good try', and that will help her keep trying regardless of whether she comes up with the right answer. She first needs to feel confident that it's OK to try, and that trying is actually something that feels good to us both, and then once that is established, I might start giving her feedback sooner about 'yes good try' or 'yes good try but try again'.

Like with ground work, when Velvet was stuck standing still, when she did finally move it had more energy and awkwardness than when she moved off without first being stuck. On some level I don't care at all WHY she is stuck or WHAT is her history, I really care about the present experiences feeling good, or better put: I really care that she believes from her own experience that we can feel good together and she will do her best to try to find how to find that good feeling place when it's missing.

Before I saddled and rode her, I did the changing eyes exercise as it is often called. That was when I took the lead rope around the far side of her body and invited her to find her way off the pressure. This exercise to me is much more than getting comfortable changing eyes. Changing eyes is what a horse does when we or any object moves from the field of vision of one eye to the other eye. Their brains take in info from their eyes differently than ours do, not in the integrated manner that humans have.

I'll attempt to describe this exercise which can and should be done from each side. If I am on the left, I stand at the neck and take the extra long lead rope (12-20' long) and either take it over the face and head or under the neck so it is on the far side and hold it draped over the withers. (If at any point the horse is worried about the feel of the rope or the sight of the rope, do not proceed until the horse is OK with this.) Then I will slide or lightly toss the rope further and further back until it drops over the rump and rests lightly above the hocks. It may well fall to the ground so hopefully I've previously done something to help the horse feel comfortable with ropes dangling around the hind legs and feet. Then I will lift slightly, taking some slack out of the lead rope, and see what the horse does. Ideally, the horse will follow the feel of the lead rope on the halter, as if I am using my right rein in this situation, and turn to the right keeping slack in the rope and rearrange her body coming around to the right in a small graceful fashion, at which point I will turn away and walk off with her following me.

Velvet got stuck going to the left. She figured out going to the right pretty quickly.

When a horse gets stuck, I like to wait as much as possible, increasing the pressure on the lead rope only if I get the sense the horse has stopped thinking about the puzzle, about the bind she is in. Then I might 'help' by increasing the pressure in order to encourage some more searching for the answer, and/or I might change my body position moving further to her hindquarters, even behind her to her right side so she can connect the pressure with the visual of my body there on the right side of her which might be familiar from previously being led in a circle or lunged. But I do want her to eventually show me she understands how to think this through without worry, and show me she understands how to follow the slack as if it were my rein.

I do not want to pull on the reins or the lead rope. I want to help educate the horse to keep slack in the reins or the lead rope, so if the horse starts to feel the slack going out (picture I start to walk someplace with lead rope in my hand while she's standing still), she will rearrange her body in order to keep the slack in the lead rope or rein.

This is what comes out right now without much editing or re-reading. I should mention something about how to deal with herd bound issues, or in this case, it was Gloria bound. Once she understands to walk when asked, encourage her gently to move when she is thinking about coming to hang out near you, or the barn, or another horse, until she herself chooses to move away rather than toward you... I think I wrote more extensively about this recently while describing some experimenting I was doing with Rusty and Kacee here at home.

Vet here for Sofia

I wrote this last week, intending to include a photo of Sofia's extracted wolf teeth. I lost one of the teeth and have not yet taken a photo, so am publishing this now sans pic.

I have a slew of vets involved with our animal care. Usually AK does the routine stuff for all the outside animals but the birds (horses, cows, sheep, goats). RVV in town does the cats and when we've had a dog, the dog. PA, a few hours away, I use for a wholistic approach with the cats, and recently I used HH for chiropractic and acupuncture for the horses. Today I had KG here on HH's recommendation that I get x-rays of her injured foot, plus AK's recommendation that KG pull Sofia's wolf teeth.

It all went remarkably well. Sofia got points for being so laid back and cooperative. She almost lost those points during the teeth extraction but she contained her disdain adequately and the procedure went more smoothly than anyone expected.

KG did a lameness assessment first (this is followup care for the puncture wound a few months back) and suggested blocking her lower limb to isolate if the lameness is from her hoof injury or something further up her hind leg. The block did leave her trotting out without any lameness so that was nicely definitive. We proceeded with x-rays and I will hear about them perhaps as soon as this evening. If they show nothing -- which is likely because they would reveal bone damage and not soft tissue damage -- my next option is to have an MRI on her foot. I will consider that if I'm told that some specific treatment would be her only possibility to regain full soundness, and that could be determined only by an MRI.

After the x-rays came the teeth extractions. First the sedative. Wow, Sofia went dopey quickly! Then the mouth speculum which was a new experience for her. The sedation helped her be pretty nonchalant about that. Then nerve blocks in her mouth, followed by a tool that pushes back the gum tissue around the tooth, then the tool that she uses to grasp the tooth and wiggle and rock it back and forth to loosen it. From the size of the teeth, KG expected quite an ordeal, however she was pleasantly surprised each time a tooth popped out without much effort. Well, I can say that because I was not the one exerting myself in this weather we've been having!

Sofia is now nodding off in her stall, recovering from the sedation. I'm grateful this is over and hopeful the x-rays show nothing abnormal in the bones of her right hind foot.

What's up for the rest of the day? Our hay man stopped by this morning and asked me to show up at 12:30 with truck and trailer to pick up hay he's baling right now. RNB has suggested today is as good as any day to go trade in the station wagon for a smaller station wagon. And I'm planning on attending as a student this afternoon's Advanced Sidewalker Training at High Horses where my roles usually include teaching riding lessons, teaching volunteers, and consulting with horse training needs. With the temperatures heading to the mid-90s, I won't miss riding today.

Eyes closed for better feel

Yesterday I experimented with my friend's suggestion (thank you GS!) about closing my eyes to develop the feel for when the horse's thought is coming through in response to my rein.

I did this on Kacee in the midst of that experimenting I described in "Excited". She was taking me down the road at a nice walk and I closed my eyes and rode her. I was quiet inside and could use my other senses for direction and safety. Hearing told me if traffic was coming (and I opened my eyes for those moments) and hearing told me if we were on the pavement or the shoulder. Heat and light sensitivity told me what direction we were going as the sun was in a mid afternoon position at about 10 o'clock looking down from above with 12 being straight ahead of us. Kinesthetic feelings told me when she was 'straight'.

I felt it right away. Should I be embarrassed to report it was so easy, easier to feel with my eyes closed than to see with my eyes? Gulp. Back to Sally Swift's 'soft eyes' concept -- new meaning or new level of meaning for me. What I see with my eyes needs to be way down the list of senses I am attending to. I mean way down.

And asking for a change when Kacee veered -- and yes, her veering feels different from what it had been looking like, or maybe I can feel her veering sooner than I can see her veering? -- brought a soft response from her, and my release was right there with her response, not a second too soon or too late. How do I know? Kacee stayed soft and forward -- clearly my communications with her did not interrupt our flow.

Today is another day. I'm going to play around with this more. [Note: I already did, as reported in "Excited".] Maybe Rusty today. He is different, much more apt to be set in his patterns of thought about what worked before. But he made nice changes last time I rode him. I have to monitor myself more closely with him because I have been able to push him out onto a trail ride, whereas I've not been able to do that with Kacee. Kacee will not be pushed, period, end of story! Sounds like someone I know...

Excited!

I had the best ride ever yesterday!

I was with Kacee, and started by just asking her to make the choice to keep walking (by letting her stop if she chose, then asking again for a walk) and I let her take me wherever she wanted. It was much sooner than before that she started exploring places to go other than barn, gate, chicken pen, barn, gate, goat pen, gate, barn, peacock pen, gate, peacock pen, barn... and so on.*

My responsibility (I set this up myself, needing clear rules for my experiment's sake) was no push, no pull. Ok, I know it's best to define things in the positive, but I don't have simple words or phrases yet that would describe what I'm talking about. But, don't we all know what it is to use the legs to ask or even demand a horse to go? Don't we all know what it is to use one or two reins to pull a horse into a turn or pull a horse to a stop?

An example of what I'm pursuing is what I'm looking for when I pick up on an otherwise totally slack rein. What I mean by 'pick up' is lifting up and out either right hand/rein or left hand/rein about 2-3" (and eventually it will be much less**). When I pick up, either my horse comes along with the idea of turning without my taking any more slack whatsoever and finds the full release again, or I ask the horse to hurry a little and I wait until somewhere at some time the horse comes off that minute amount of "pressure", which truly is a miniscule asking on my part. The pressure the horse feels is that of the request, not pressure of the aid. This starts to work after spending enough time (whatever that takes for the individual horse and individual rider) of riding with zero pressure -- zero use of seat, leg, or rein aids -- except when asking the horse to 'keep trying', 'look for something else', or 'a little more effort please'.

Am I making any sense? I doubt I could have understood a word I was saying if I hadn't heard it and seen it hundreds of times before, and finally the pieces of the puzzle are sinking in. Libby Lyman, my thoughtful, insightful, enthusiastic, and generous friend/horsemanship colleague/mentor has been a crucial help with putting into words for me things we have both watched done over the years by a few specific horsemen. She has put into language her new experiences, and I have prioritized learning this next piece of my horsemanship puzzle, and here I am today with a big hurray and all this excitement stuff!

Back to yesterday with Kacee. I did carry on at the walk without asking anything of her more than the 'keep trying/look for something else', waiting some time before I even felt she might succeed at coming along with my idea. I wanted us to be successful with this. When I felt her starting to think about heading further up the drive, I asked if she was ready to take me there. Sometimes she wasn't, sometimes she was. I had to do this in slow motion until I could see and feel her at a level I've never before perceived.

Somewhere in all this it felt like we were connected enough and I trusted my consistency with sticking to my rules and she felt trusting that I was sticking to my rules, ie, I was offering her the choice to say yes or no and was not going to suddenly say, ok, enough already, let's just go down the drive (push, push, pressure, pressure, using aids to close doors and limit her choices).

So I felt confident that I was doing something that made sense to her and she was breathing well and feeling confident and walking out freely, not sucked back. I brought this up to the trot. I didn't keep her in the trot, and if she came back to the walk, I just asked for the trot again. I'd ridden up and down the rather steep but short inclines off to the side of the barn enough times to know she knew her footing and to know I knew we were fine trotting or cantering down the slope with her slamming on the brakes at the gate at the bottom of the slope, or doing a quick 180 and heading back up again.

Here and there I asked, 'can we go this way?' and more and more she said 'yes' but maybe only a few steps. When she stopped, I asked for go again but without telling her where. That was her choice as long as she had any drag in the rein at all. I wanted no drag. I wanted forward and eager coming from her, not coming from 'because I have to'.

And then she took me further, at the trot, and back towards the barn at a trot that was no faster than leaving the barn. Then she took me even further, at the trot, and broke into a canter, a nice comfortable 'I'm going someplace' canter down the road. And I went with her. My intention: have it feel really, really wonderful between us, that sweet feeling, when she was taking me someplace with all that forward, willing energy.

Ah, a piece of heaven. And I'm soooo proud of myself for not getting greedy, not asking her for more than she offered. When she wanted to slow, I was with her and we slowed together and stopped at my request, and proceeded at my request. Together. From a release to motion not from a push to go.

This has been an illusive dream for years. Illusive because nobody before had explained it to me such that I could 'get it' and play around with it. Illusive because at least with some horses I have been able to go out and ride without having to figure out what changes I needed to make to have this dream come true. I feel really good about this. Really good.

I'm working toward this with Rusty, too. And will do this with Sofia, Prince, Bo, Soli. Oh, honestly, will I really do this with Soli? He's my point and shoot horse -- I can ride him anywhere with so little effort! But yeah, I'll offer this to him as well as I value his collaboration, too. I owe it to him for all the goodness he offers despite our human deficits!

I don't know yet how this will carry over to a trail ride with another horse and rider for example. I don't know yet how this will carry over to when someone else rides my horse(s). I don't know yet how I will integrate this into my teaching. It is so much a different approach than all the miriad ways to apply pressure. I am so excited about this, deep in my belly.


Update from above after today's ride (I've added astericks in the above text).
* Today's ride on Kacee was 15 minutes and we went further than we did yesterday. She let go of her barn choice much sooner than yesterday.
** Today she was responding to my squeezing the rein with a couple of fingers like she had when I lifted the rein a couple of inches.

I also rode Prince today, and Rusty. Rusty made some changes quickly, and seems to enjoy climbing! We have other steep inclines and he thinks nothing of taking off up or down them. I'm learning something I've wanted to learn -- how to ride with a horse cantering down a steep incline. :-)

Prince was fun and taught me something important. When I get to feeling I need to pull, that is because the horse doesn't really understand left and right. When I think I need to get firm with my legs or such, that means the horse doesn't understand forward. I spent as much time working on left and right and go with Prince as anything. He's more ready to go new places, to leave the barn door, however he told me today how little he knows about turning and moving out in harmony with the rider. I think this was the third time I've ever ridden him. He has so much to offer and I know much of the brace against 'let's go' got cleared up. The left and right needs more time. I did pull on him today contrary to my intention. I should have dealt with left and right in the arena where wandering out into the road or off across the lawn would not be an option. That is when I pulled, when I wanted to prevent some trouble. My bad. Thank heavens I get another try!


Up to the barn from the gate ...




Down to the gate from the drive ...




Up to the peacock pen from the gate ...




The road where Kacee took me at the canter...

Big and Little

I rode Ms. Big and Mr. Little the other evening. RNB came home and I asked him to take some pictures. Here we are. Can you tell which horse is which?






RNB with the camera was like a magnet for the horses. Admittedly most of the pictures captured us in the start of a turn away from where he stood. These came out well though -- and in honor of my blogging friend who purposely displays her mistakes -- I will point out that I've got my eyes turned downward in most of the pictures, including these two. I know I was looking to see when the horse's eye came around the turn I was asking for. Someday I would like to feel that without looking. Feel that and trust what I'm feeling. I wait for the eye to come around the turn so I'm releasing for the mind coming with the turn, not just the feet coming into a turn. I can see on one horse that I've asked for a right turn and the horse has not yet responded by putting slack back into the rein. Which horse is that?

I reviewed some pics from the winter. Boy oh boy -- Mr. Little aka Bo sure does change from season to season regarding the amount of hair he carries!






Bo's weight is good. The supplement I feed (check link to Balanced Equine Nutrition if you like) and maybe his changed mental attitude is helping him keep some meat on his bones. I'd like to find a very handy youngster who want a pony like Bo. Then I would have room here to take in another horse-in-need. Or then I would have time to ride the 'other' horses more!

Burned

I loved this house. It held dear memories. When I sold it, I took those memories with me, disengaged them from the actual setting. Slowly as I cleaned it and mowed the lawn and managed some fixing up projects, I said my thank yous and my good byes.

That was last summer. Earlier this spring, there was a fire there, and much was damaged. I went by recently to see the changes. I felt no pangs, thankfully, but curiosity about transformation by fire. It is weird. I love that the blueberry bushes are flourishing!

Fun with Fhaltair

I barter. Most frequently I barter hair cuts and horsemanship lessons. I get the hair cuts, she gets the horsemanship. We both like this arrangement.

Today I spent time "training" Fhaltair, her daughter's Hanovarian yearling. He's such a doll. Not really a looker, still got that gangly kid look about him. But a doll in all other aspects. Willing, calm, attentive. Comfortable going with me, comfortable blowing me off now and then. He seems to live in a learning frame of mind, oh, about 94% of the time. Naw, that's an underestimate. I'd say 99.9% of the time. He doesn't get upset about much of anything. He will start thinking about the grass instead of me, but it's not regular and hey, I can handle the fact that the grass is more interesting sometimes than I am!

He's for sale by the way. If you are interested, let me know. I get nothing for mentioning this, other than knowing I'm helping a nice horse find a nice home, and helping some nice people manage their lives with less stress.



Checking out the baggie. I was told he was exposed to the baggie before in an effort to make him move out. He was worried about it at first.



I'm checking out if he can stand still while I pet him and walk around him. He wanted to follow me or walk off at first but quickly understood that it felt good to just stand there.




Ground driving or long lining.




Example of when he was more interested in the grass!

Growing confirmed

I just rode Sofia. One of many vets I now consult with depending on the need, recommended I ride her at the walk now, in case some of her ongoing lameness is due to scar tissue within her foot that needs to break up. So I rode. First time on her for months. Parts of it felt like we are in a better place than before. Parts felt like things were worse. Forward is better. Steering is worse. I took my time so I could monitor what I am doing, thinking about her response coming before I pick up the reins, and if not then, looking for it immediately, and if not then, helping her by my waiting for her to come off the rein by rearranging her body, or sometimes by my sensing her getting ready to rearrange her body. About 20 minutes of a ride and ended on a good note. Torsion treeless saddle, lead rope attached to web halter, carrying bridle and bit without reins. What is the growing confirmed about? Sofia had some very definite ideas about being bridled. Is she telling me she doesn't like it? Maybe so. Will that keep me from being clear, helping her find the soft place between us? No. And that includes finding the soft place while bridling. The vet who is coming the week after next will assess taking Sofia's wolf teeth out. That might be a concern with wearing a bit. Or it might not. I can't tell 100% or not. She's had such intrusions to her mouth lately that I don't know which if any is most disturbing to her. Bleh. Some days I wish there was an easy way to get things done. Maybe I should say I wish I had more skill and confidence in my choices of how to get something done!

In any case, I love that horse and enjoyed this short ride. Now for perhaps a longer ride on someone else. Your guess is as good as mine who it will be!

Reflections from January

I can think on my feet at times. Other times it takes hours, days, weeks, months for some thoughts to come clear.

In January I had an exchange with a friend about my Morgan mare, Kacee.

Me to she:
I wonder why I am so likely to disregard her feelings and ask her to go places she'd rather not.

She to me:
This is really interesting. I wonder, too. I think I do this too annnnd I think it ties in with some of my questions about why I ride ...[my horse]... the way I do and why you ride different horses the way you do. Maybe you should describe her and that will give clues.

Me to myself:
How would I describe Kacee? She's attentive, certain, opinionated, herd leader. She's delightfully responsive when in her comfort zone, incredibly strong survival instinct kicks in when she is out of her comfort zone. She sticks around when I fall off. She walks off more often than not when I approach her with halter in hand. She stands still for saddling, bridling, mounting. I can ride her without a bridle or reins and she understands forward, left, right, stop and back from my body, but gets a little too excited to listen when we're trotting or cantering this way. She has tolerated all sorts of "natural horsemanship" approaches that I have studied and applied to her, so she must have a big question mark when I show up -- what is she going to ask of me now and how? She is first to the food, but will wait for me to step aside before she comes in for hay after I've reminded her to wait. She has lovely walk and trot to ride; her canter is fast. Her hind legs are crooked as are her hind feet. She has protected me from Rusty when he was young and rowdy and I was vulnerable and helpless. Like trot right over and bite him on the withers to move him away from me.

Clues to why I don't listen to her well? To why I overexpose her frequently? To why I'm impatient to just get on her and go someplace?

Months later, I find pieces of the answer. As with many things, the actual facts of it are simple. I am thinking and reacting, not being present and responsive in the here and now. Instead of assessing who she is right now and what she needs for support and proceeding from there, I approach her with expectations based on the past (my past with her and my past with all relationships) and lay those expectations like a tinted translucent film over our experience.

When I am without that film, I can see what she is telling me and help her, right now, to feel better about what we're doing, right now, and then carry on to explore other things, right now, together and with some harmony instead of me pushing, she resisting. It has to be feeling good or else I'm forcing my ideas on her. I want to influence what we do together, and that requires me first to influence her mental and emotional state so she is open to do something together with me, and some day (which might be in two minutes or two months) she will want to do something together with me. And I want to be present, right now, whenever this happens. Not bound up mentally thinking about something else, missing another moment with this powerhouse of equine delight.

Here and Now

Some of us value being in the here and now just as it is. Some of us tolerate, even rejoice, in the here and now that we find moment to moment. Some of us want to be in the here and now later, as soon as ... the rain stops, the elbow stops hurting, the new well is paid for...

The here and now is here and now. It is not later. We have the ability to think we are in the here and now however we are only thinking that. Thinking about being is a step separated from being without thinking. How many of us have memory of this state? How many of us are familiar with it? How many of us can recover it at will? How many of us do not really know that this Here and Now thing might have great value?

Our horses live in the here and now. Yes, they have memories of what happened in the past, and if we establish a habit around them, they can anticipate the future. But they are 100% grounded in the here and now, by birth and unalterable by us, even when they have a memory or an anticipation. And in order to connect with them, in order to actually see what is Here and Now with them, we need to be here, now.

An exchange with Mark Rashid got me thinking more about this. He said "truth is negotiable" and asked if I agreed. At first I did not. That led to my seeking a shared understanding of what "truth" means, and also what "negotiable" means. I had an inaccurate interpretation of "negotiable" which included elements of "compromise", so once that cleared up, I was able to agree. Some key part of the exchange referred to when person A is doing X, and person B, not present with A at the moment of A's doing X, believes A is doing Y. So A's perception of the truth (I'm doing X) is different from B's perception of the truth (A is doing Y), but both perceptions are understood subjectively by each as 'the truth'.

After looking at how one truth is actually what is happening and the other is a (mis)interpretation of the actual facts, it became clear that indeed truth is negotiable.

I still have trouble with the word 'negotiable'. It troubles me because I have thought it refers to when two people each have to give up something in order to agree. I prefer the model that two people can each gain something in creating agreement or accord. My friend RW helped me open my thinking as I substitute "compromise" to reflect the meaning I had for "negotiate".

Listening to Mark I caught a picture of not just how it is between two people in general, but how it is between teacher and student of horsemanship, and in line with the concept of parallel process, how it is between human and horse.

The horse would be like person A, and reflecting the actual facts or truth of the situation. The human is B, who has an interperative story about the actual facts, which distorts those facts to some degree and hence distorts the emotional and behavioral response to the actual facts.

It shows up in terms of a horse in pain for example. How many times have you seen a horse who looks off from unsoundness or saddle fit or something else? And the owner/rider has managed to hide those facts from consciousness for whatever important reasons. Meanwhile, the human's perceptions do not reflect the actual facts, or in this case, the horse's truth.

This can apply to emotional issues as well. The actual facts may be that the horse is in pain and cannot give 100%. Horse and person A's perceptions coincide with reality. Person B's perception, based on a misinterpretation of the actual facts -- horse is not giving 100% -- might foster the thought that the horse is lazy, or perhaps the horse is sneaky, trying to get out of work.

With whose truth do you want to be in alignment?

Influenced by Libby Lyman and my horses

I have become increasingly aware of how quickly I get defensive, and when I get defensive I get tense, critical, pushy, distrusting. Or perhaps when I start feeling distrusting, I get defensive, critical, tense... In any case, I am intent on getting below and beyond this reactivity in me. Even to the point of inviting RNB to tell me when he feels I'm being critical. Sometimes I cannot tell because a degree of criticism is sometimes hidden in my 'good intentions' and my 'advice giving'. It is tricky business, the line between 'let's do what I want to do because my idea is better', and 'let's do what I want to do because your idea is worse.' I sure know that someone can say the former and I hear the latter.

I was told years ago that my Rusty horse feels criticized most of the time. I was not gracious hearing that and in fact became defensive and critical of the speaker of that truth. My reaction interrupted a budding friendship. That is sad.

Meanwhile, Rusty has not had the same freedom as that person had -- Rusty cannot walk away. Well, he CAN walk away, but not far because I have fences keeping him here. But there are other ways he could 'walk away' -- mentally and emotionally -- and as time passes and I become more aware, he shows less interest in walking away. For his benefit and for the benefit of my relationship with this amazing horse, I am deeply compelled to unravel this burden I carry and inadvertantly share with all beings in my vicinity.

Yesterday I made huge gains, at least in my assessment. I'd say based on Rusty's changes, in his assessment, too.

What does this have to do with Libby Lyman? She taught a clinic last weekend in Maine at Piper Ridge Farm. I kept hearing about and seeing how to set it up so the horse finds the answer and hence can feel good about -- and OWN -- the lesson learned. This is NOT what happens when I help out. This is NOT what happens when I say a lot of 'yes, good' to the horse. It IS what happens when I breathe and wait and watch and give him time to come to his own conclusions about what works or what doesn't.

Yesterday it was about bridling. Rusty and I have a long history of controversy about bridling and the past few years, it's been relatively easy to bridle him and carry on with my plans to ride him, in the arena or on a trail. But before yesterday, I never stopped long enough to help him find a way to help me with the bridling. I have, in so many relatively clear and gentle ways, been using pressure and release as best I understood it, to show him the answer, ie,. show him where to hold his head so I can bridle him easily.

In the process of doing this exercise in patience and clarity, I learned more -- like the horse, for myself finding the answsers opposed to being told by a teacher -- about the timing of asking for something else and the meaning of feeling good together.

The asking for something else is NOT me telling him what I'm asking for. That is so tricky for me because Rusty is attentive and willing enough at this point to do just about anything I ever ask of him. This might be why I can take this next step. So, he will do anything I ask, and with very light cues on my part, a shift of my weight, a gentle lift or squeeze of a rein, a clear thought about stepping to the left while my body steps to the left and he's there with me. It has become like a very pleasant dance and indeed it has been personal growth for me to become the leader of the dance. After all, I'm a sensitive new age woman, and I know how to follow like a wisp of smoke, no dragging me around the dance floor is needed!

So here I was a few days ago, on one level so pleased that I can ride Rusty out on the trail alone, without the comfort of another horse for him, mostly soft and responsive, and on another level recognizing that we're out there because I want us to be and Rusty is comfortable being submissive to my requests. Indeed this IS progress, but is it really what I want? That lingering feeling that if I stopped this subtle asking over and over again, he'd turn and head back to the barn without a thought.

Then the weekend around Libby and it hits home again and again, all the little ways I'm pushing and pulling on my horse. Yes, sometimes they are big ways but mostly little ways. But it's still pushing and pulling! I am starting to recognize the difference, and I'm certain Rusty has known the difference all along but all the other factors in our relationship have finally added up to a solid 'getting along'.

I want more. I want this horse (and every horse!) to know he has a choice and to believe in his horsey mind that he is choosing on his own, that he is checking this option and that option and finding the most right choice in his mind, which happens to be the one that suits me, too.

There is something very simple behind all this complexity. It's about feeling good. It's about zero pressure for the horse. How many times have I heard that! However the more I recognize the core importance of finding a zero pressure spot for myself, the more I can recognize how important it is for the horses. But so many, many layers of the onion skin have to be peeled away to find this vulnerability, this sensitivity, this place where true responsiveness is felt, allowed, honored. And it's only when I find it in my own experience that I can own it, and offer it to others.

Drafts

Ok, I am not talking about a type of horse!

I am talking about the partially formed blog entries that I have accumulated. Seven in the past couple of weeks.

I get a compelling idea and start to write, then other priorities take me away. I don't know when I'll get back to these other ideas, but their essences are not eluding me. It's a matter of good timing. I do have time to write this much today!

Portrait of Sofia

Recently I learned from a friend that she had done a portrait of Sofia based on a photo from June 2006 time in TN with Harry Whitney and friends. She has given me permission to put it here on my blog. This is a digital picture of the original drawing.



I am amazed at her talent, and her interest in Sofia as a subject. And pleased! Of course I am partial to this horse, and enjoy being reminded of our time with Harry last year.

She can do consignment work -- contact info:

Kathy D. Baker
Follow Your Bliss Farm
Midway TN
kindredspirit58@comcast.net

Mark Rashid

These past four days learning from Mark Rashid changed my baseline for what I expect from myself and from any horse I'm around. It changed what I see, what I feel, what I think, what I will offer, what I will accept as "best".

I had read some of his books and I had read some reports and conversations from folks who have studied and ridden with him. I was not surprised to find I liked being influenced by him. I was surprised with the scope and depth of his experience and what he focussed on as he taught a series of individual lessons over these four days.

The whole experience feels very exciting and integrating to me. I started playing with energy and those invisible things four decades ago. And there I was in the presence of a horseman who talks about this, uses it, helps riders to use it, of if they are not ready or their horse is not ready, helps them with the steps of preparation so this essential and most subtle and soft way of being will be all that is needed.

I am full of renewed enthusiasm about my connection with horses and the work/play that is ahead of me. I came away feeling confident I have enough tools and awareness to assess what I can or cannot do today with a horse, and what to do to proceed to refine my presentation and hear if the horse is open to this, and what to do if not.

Mark Rashid was clear about this:

Our consistency builds dependability in the eyes of the horse, which in turn builds trust, which allows the horse to be peaceful.

More later here or in my clinicnotes blog.

Mark's website: www.MarkRashid.com

Delight

I had thought about riding yesterday however the rain was with us again! I messed with the horses anyway -- putting Sofia out on the hay field/pasture with Rusty, Kacee, and Prince, and after trimming the two, put Bo and Soli together in the larger of the winter paddocks. I checked on them often as this was a first, turning Soli out with someone other than Sofia.

Instead of stepping back and letting the horses gallop through gates and onto the pasture, I took them one by one and released them after they were showing me some signs of attending to what I asked. Prince was the hardest to get some sign of 'settled and attending' with lots of little rears instead of backing up and finally a moment of head 1/2 inch lowered and eye a teensy bit softer.

When I released him in the field he offered the most delightful display of excess energy I've ever seen, including bursting into airs above the ground several times after he'd started munching! Prince would be a good candidate for the sort of training that leaves most of the horse's natural life intact, as he's so light and eager to respond and also so careful around people.

I wish I'd had it on camera. What athleticism combined with pure exuberance!

Bo and friend

What pleasant surprises abound!

I experimented with the herd yesterday, letting Kacee, Rusty, Prince, and Sofia out on pasture, and keeping Bo and Soli in the larger winter paddock. I did this after watching Bo play buddy games with Soli over the gate a couple of times when he went under the fencing that is meant to leave a No Horse Zone between the two paddock areas.

They did fine together, so much so that I put them together in the smaller paddock for the rest of the day and through the night, leaving Sofia with the others when I brought them in from the pasture.

Here is proof of this latest nice surprise:



I wonder if his increased comfort with the other horses has anything to do with his generally more relaxed manner. That I attribute to his increasing clarity about what I expect and what I offer him, and perhaps that is bringing out some new behaviors. What do I expect? At times not much, but I do spend time right away when I have him haltered, helping him let go of his worried thoughts and then engage him in some simple activity, thinking all the time to notice his tries and his successes. So he's feeling good about what he can offer me, good about what he's learning to do to get along. It was very sweet yesterday when I was trimming him, those moments when he felt safe enough to let me put his foot back on the ground, rather than his snatching it away and slamming it on the ground.

These kinds of changes mean a lot to me, and I suspect, to him as well.

Brats!

My friend wrote about the former reputation of her young horse. She was labeled a brat. And according to former owners, earned that reputation.

But what does that mean, that a horse is a brat?

I used to call Rusty a brat, even made it one of my "affectionate" nicknames for him: Mr. Bratsky.

Poor horse. He is such a tuned in horse with a lot of try and eagerness to get along whenever possible within his limits of ability and understanding, that when things were going well with us, he would try to live up to my image of him as a brat! What a lot of effort he put into that and to what ends? It just confirmed for me what I was projecting onto him in the first place.

Poor horse.

Back to my question: what does that mean, that a horse is a brat? We use the word with people (kids most often) who are being outspoken, playful, going against the grain, doing the unexpected and/or the unwanted... So, a brat is someone who has an independent mind and is acting with integrity? And we use a pejorative to belittle and discourage those wonderful qualities.

With Rusty, I had to discipline myself to get specific in my mind regarding what he was doing that I didn't like. So when I found myself starting to call him a brat (or just having already done so) I asked myself, what is he doing that bothers me? It was often when he was expressing his opinion and I didn't have time for it, or I felt threatened by what he was doing. I didn't like what he was doing, I took it personally (key element as well!), and I wanted him to feel ashamed of himself and have more self control. EEGADS. Sure sounds like poor parenting communications! The old "cut it out" stuff that comes bubbling out in those moments of less self awareness. Attempts to control the other because I feel uncomfortable.

So Rusty has some new nicknames. He has not been Mr. Bratsky for years although I like the sound of that one, I must admit. Lately he is "Roo", or "Roo Boy", some confabulated offshoot from "Rusty", or maybe a mix of "Rusty" and "Doofus", or "Rusty" and "Goofy"? As that is how I see his "bratty" behavior now -- goofy, silly, lively, to be acknowledged, perhaps enjoyed, and forgotten. He is such an expressive horse and I truly do appreciate that about him.

So, as usual, Rusty has facilitated some learning and behavior changes in me. Thank you, Roo Boy!

Riding Bo

I've ridden Bo twice this week. I'm trusting him more, he's trusting me more. He is less agitated when he's worried, and it's easier to get his mind back with me.

I've taken him to the arena without the comfort of bringing along another horse. So his mind goes to his gal, Sofia, then comes back. Back and forth. Yesterday I left him in the 20x20 paddock for a few minutes and was curious to see how nervously active he got. Then when I returned he was still active just not as much, and would stop for some grass between walking over to the fence closest to Sofia. So he was taking some comfort in my proximity. This is a change.

Another change is that I am seeing him more for who he is, not just what he looks like. There is quite some complexity and insecurity and determination and willingness beneath that attractive pony appearance. Another change is that he's starting to carry himself differently when he's "relaxed", not upside down like he did when he arrived here. (He easily comes into self carriage aka natural collection when his boy energy surfaces!) So something is changing inside him. It's so nice to see.

Most of our ground work is geared to helping him let go of his thoughts more easily. He will do just about anything I ask of him, but he's a smart one and can do without fully paying attention to me. So I'm asking for more of his insides to be with me, not just his feet and body. I've been experimenting with what I've seen Harry do, asking the horse forward, back, sideways, turning, etc. while holding onto the halter knot under the chin or the noseband. This gives the horse less chance to space out or take over into doing their own thing. I would not do this right away with a horse, but Bo is apparently far enough along in his ablilty to let go and be with me that we were successful. Even worked through some sticky places in his backing up. I don't ask for much, but it can seem like a whole lot to him, then it all gets so simple and clear and easy when he understands what I want. I'm getting better at helping him find that place of understanding sooner.

Riding was fun. He has a great long, thick mane growing in so I have built in handles. I'm riding in the Torsion treeless, about the best fit although I really need to go get a smaller girth -- it's just barely snug enough so I figure I'm riding bareback but in comfort.

His steering is pretty good. I'm keen on keeping all of our rides slow and thoughtful. Slow in terms of how much I ask of him -- not slow in terms of his feet. He kept himself to a walk for the first ride, and yesterday he trotted. I don't ask him to trot -- he offered that. I do ask him to walk, turn, and sometimes ask him to stop. He has a quick walk, definitely going someplace. So different from his girlfriend who would amble casually through life if she could have her way!

In the back of my mind, I'm getting Bo better assessed and ready to sell. However the more he goes well and settles well while away from Sofia, the more I think, hey, this endearing little pony, I should keep him.

Once Sofia is recovered enough so I can turn them out with the rest of the herd, maybe my mind will be swayed by the herd dynamics. Things are pretty pleasantly quiet these days with Bo and Sofia separated from the other four. This separation is only so Sofia will move less while her injured foot is healing. But it is tempting, I must admit, to leave the herd split in two! They are all so much more mellow this way!

Cleaning bugaboo

It's funny -- I actually enjoy deep cleaning but I have this HUGE resistance to the IDEA of cleaning. Haven't quite put my finger on the history of that other than a cleaning woman we had when I was a kid wasn't well thought of in my family, nor by me because each week it seemed she broke another of the horse statues I collected and she brought candy for my two younger brothers but not for me (and probably not for my older brother either). Funny how things from childhood make such a lasting impression!

Meanwhile, I have been cleaning today as a gift to RNB. He works hard outside the home this time of the year. I seldom work hard although I think hard if that makes sense or counts for anything! Anyway, today I tried some discipline -- work in the morning and play in the afternoon. Well, I got so into the cleaning (vacuuming window sills) that it is now 2 PM and I'm just switching gears.

I had intended on furthering the cleaning efforts in the barn. RNB has done the remarkable job of removing all sorts of items stored there for eternity. My chosen job is to neatly arrange the stuff we still need there, and sweep (cough, cough). Today I decided I would wait for the dust masks RNB promises to bring home. No matter how slowly and gently I was sweeping yesterday, I still got covered with hay dust inside and out.

From my AZ notes

[This belongs here in this blog, not in my clinic notes blog. But it is from my clinic notes, February 2007 in AZ with Harry Whitney.]




Talk with Harry in evening: I got stuck wanting to finish something I started, doing it my way. Talking about my narrow mindedness that showed up with Cajun in the afternoon and my insistence on him doing what I asked regardless of what he could understand today, and regardless of how he was feeling. I forgot to think creatively about how to help him feel better!

Feeling a bit haunted by what Harry and I talked about and facing my issues. He asked something like would I expect a kid to know it all right away. And my answer was 'yes', because my expectations are way off! Today I forgot how little Cajun knows because it had been going so well. I forgot that just because it was going well in the arena, it didn't mean we had enough time and repetition so he would be able to "listen" under stress.

On the trail at the end Cajun was stressed, feeling too separated from the herd. It never occurred to me to notice that and take that into consideration creatively. It never occurred to me to give up my idea and try something else. Like Harry said, after the fact about the reins: either the horse gives to them or they're not there. I didn't have to try to use what worked with Belle with Cajun, especially when I felt it's not working and I was just "shouting" through the reins and he wasn't with me. I expected too much of Cajun. I failed to think creatively about how to help him feel better. I forgot how little he knows about how to let go of a thought. Argh at me! For applying what worked with Belle on Cajun.

Why couldn't I access some creativity or even some other solutions? Where had my brain gone? Ideas Harry suggested were: take a short cut to catch up; trot up to group; simple stuff. At that point I was focussed on my little plan of how to deal -- STUCK!

And it makes me feel so sad!

How can I dare to be creative? How can I remember that Cajun isn't Belle? How can I hone/fine tune the balance between helping the horse let go of their thought so my thoughts have room, and going along with their thoughts too much and letting them take over? I want to be better at this!!!! More fair and understanding to the horse!!

This amazing gap between what I can mentally grasp about horses and how I perform when with them. OUCH.




Amazing what can be learned when one is willing to face the septic tank of the soul...

Hay dust

In my ears, nose, throat. On my shirt, jeans, boots. Definitely will take a shower at the end of the day.

Barn cleaning. Not only moving stuff out, but dusting and sweeping years' worth of hay dust. Some days I wear a dust mask while I clean, other days I sweep very slowly to minimize the air turbulance that helps distribute the dust.

The barn sure looks good these days. I have been silently vowing to keep our new barn this clean, devising plans to clean once a week. (Dreaming, I am!)

Meanwhile, I need to call and arrange for another 500 bales. Adding hay and dust to the barn. Fresh hay. Fresh hay dust. There must be a difference between old and new dust!

Conversation about pressure

A friend wrote (as I understand it) about discovering some value in starting her rides without pressuring herself or her horse, then she could feel the right time to ask for something that might be perceived as pressure by the horse. She is hoping she can keep this awareness and this practice...

My response to her:

Yes, please keep this, and keep writing about it. I need reminders, too. Just as it is for the horses, it is an effort for us to keep our newer, better habits functioning instead of carelessly letting former habits and reactivity take over...

To quote my friend, Harry Whitney, again, "So they're started, so they go."

My understanding of that is that the foundation put into a horse is what the horse resorts to under stress/pressure. So if a horse has a foundation built on trust and understanding (lucky horse!), under stress that horse will look to be understanding from a fairly calm spot inside himself. If the foundation includes pressure and uncertainty and fear, then when the fan gets hit by you know what, that horse will lose access to what he's learned and react with fear and anxiety, and that too often looks like a wreck!

Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt talk about times when the chemical get coursing through our bodies, and how adrenaline affects us (I'll generalize to all mammals) and how cortisol affects us. When cortisol gets activated, our old brain kicks in and we are feeling and acting on survival mode regardless of our best ideas. Only when the chemicals change inside us can we again access our front brain where the executive decisions are usually made.

To paraphrase another friend, it's like learning a second language. The foundation is the first language, the later learned is the second language. When stressed out, one can remember and use the primary language, but not the second language. This example was given to me when I was trying to understand why my dear RNB could communicate so well at times and so poorly at times. Communicating consciously is a second language to him. I began to recognize and then acknowledge or question the pressure/stress he was experiencing when communication got rough, instead of reacting with disappointment, loss, and fear -- "hey where did that wonderful man go?" Same deal with the horses. If they are in a reactive mode, they can't speak the new language they've been learning. Nor do they deserve anything more than understanding and patience and guidance to be safe.

It's such an interesting journey to be mindful or watching ourselves as we do things -- what am I feeling, what am I thinking, what is behind that little snippy thing I said (to horse or human)... Allowing the 'no pressure' zone is like settling into a meditative state, and that is where I can find/hear/listen/sense the what and when of action steps to take. True in all areas of my life.

Letting go, going forward

This is about me, but of course will be reflected in my horsemanship.




We have a For Sale sign in the yard in front of our house now.





I cried when I arrived home and saw it. It was not a surprise -- I knew we were putting this house on the market. But it was an emotional shock to move from "going to" to "doing". It's a doing thing now, not a plan.

RNB was here and at first didn't understand my emotions. He has moved a lot and doesn't consciously form attachments as I do. He does in his own way though, and I recall his emotions when we first came to this decision, many months ago. I was able to suggest a scenario that he could relate to and he understood my feelings.

I feel vulnerable. We are saying -- here, someone come take this house from us. But we don't have our next plan in place, ready to receive us.

I was thinking last night about my incredible procrastination with finishing up my mother's probate process. I realized that some tangled thinking in my head, that came to consciousness last night, went something like this: as long as I still have some work to do, some stuff to disburse, then I still feel like I have some remnants of my mother out there ready to take care of me should I need her. If I give everything away that was hers, then there is nothing left in case I need something from her to get me through a rough spot. I shared this with RNB, and he commented, "so you'll be on your own now?"

My mother was always there. Not always ready to offer me what I needed, but always ready to offer what she thought I needed, or what she wanted to offer, or what she could offer. Although I got mad at times that she couldn't give me what I needed (and I'm not certain it was her role to do that all the time), I truly counted on her eagerness to give me something. She was especially radiant in her generosity when someone was ill or injured, needing her nurse persona.

There are some emotional parallels between my feelings about this house and my feelings about my mother. It's about the vulnerability of not having something that I've been relying on to keep me safe and warm.

So it's a time for me to let go. And let go some more. It's funny -- I kinda know when something like this is brewing under the surface. I start wanting to eat some butterscotch/caramel type creamy foods, like ice cream or flan!

We have a dream we are building. And a lovely old house that has served us well, kept us warm and dry and busy, heard our tears and our laughter, housed our cats and our belongings. Thank you, dear house, for being our home. Thank you, fields and barn for supporting our horses, cows, sheep, goats, birds... Thank you, dear gardens, for your beautiful flowers and your edible vegetables and berries. Thank you, surroundings, for your bountiful wildlife underground, above ground, and in the air. This is a special place, and may your next humans appreciate and care for you as well as we have.

Ohio with Leslie Desmond and friends

It really was a time with friends! Old friends and new friends. Human friends and of course, horsey friends. The four legged type of horsey friends. I want to be clear because I often refer to my horse-loving friends as horsey friends. I suppose I could just call the four legged ones "horse friends."

OK, I was butterflies-in-the-belly nervous before going into the arena the first day. Those butterflies come active when I get carrying some expectation that I'm going to be judged and fail. When I don't really know with confidence what I'm supposed to do. Moments of self consciousness, which is different from self awareness. Excitement with worry, anticipation with fear. Uncertainty.

Oh my -- UNCERTAINTY! Butterflies and uncertainty! This is what horses feelwhen they are uncertain. Oh my heavens. I'm having a little epiphany as I write!

Harry Whitney talks a lot about how disturbing it is to a horse to feel uncertain. Better to feel certain when someone is being rough than to feel uncertain even when the handling is softer. Uncertainty is about not knowing what is expected and not knowing what the outcome will be. The close-to-the-horizon outcome, not even talking about the next-year or ten-years-from-now outcome. Oh my. My oh my. This has really gotten my mental wheels spinning.

We can develop empathy as adults. I am a living example of that. I won't say I had no empathy as a child, in fact I think I had a lot but without any support for that, no adults acknowledging and valuing that, it went dormant. And now it grows again thanks to my intense desire to have better relationships with horses and humans.

So empathy and uncertainty... Here I am intending to write about my time in Ohio, and bingo, stumble upon some deeper understanding of uncertainty, which then increases my empathy for horses. Phew.

So, do horses get butterflies in their bellies? I am certain they do!

I trust I'll write more about that later, but now I want to return my focus to Ohio.

Leslie offered us so much trust and respect, it was easy to be in the flow there. By 'in the flow' I refer to the space I was in while handling horses -- attentive, responsive, considerate, empathic, patient, just with that horse and nothing else in mind. There were a few times of amazing synchronicity. An example from the first day in the arena: I was with a little quarter horse who had let me know the day before that he's not fond of anyone touching his mouth or muzzle. That prior day he had accepted being bridled but wasn't really comfortable with any preliminary touching I tried in my attempt to see if he was ready for the bit.

That day in the arena this horse, in my opinion, felt good enough with me to say "no" to the bit. I listened and changed my plan. I had thought I would do a little ground work then bridle up and ride (he was already saddled). Not just yet, he says. So I spent about the entire time doing some approach and retreat, some asking and listening, around his head and mouth, interchanged with lots of other stuff -- touching legs, lifting feet, leading off while I was at his hip, lowering head. At one point I was tuned into this dear horse and listening to Leslie at the same time. She was simultaneously approaching bridling the horse she was handling and inadvertently offered some new ideas for me to try. I was very grateful for those moments when, even though she wasn't focussed on what I was doing, her demonstration provided direct help for handling my horse.

Now this getting ready for bridling experience felt good, until the next day when another student/colleague/assistant was handling this same quarter horse and appeared to have no trouble bridling him. As I wondered why so easy for her and so hard for me, I did question if her expectation, her certainty was clearer than mine. As I asked the horse if he was ready for the bit, did that question mark enable the "no"? If I had been clear that "I'm going to bridle you" or "you are going to take the bit", would it have happened? Was there value in what I did? Did what I did one day set it up so it was easier the next day for the other person to bridle him? Would it have been just as easy for her to bridle him that very day he refused/avoided taking the bit with me? In other words, was it my presentation that created the "no"?

Aside from the comraderie and laughter during meals and back at the hotel, most of the best moments were in the barn interacting with the horses' owners. I voiced my appreciation to them numerous times for letting us handle their horses. I wasn't sure it was something I'd have done myself! Their trust and openness with us grew in huge ways day by day. We had time to talk, time to demonstrate, time to ask questions and answer questions. The five of us students/colleagues/assistants each have something special to offer, offer to the horses and offer to the humans. Those horse owners could choose who to learn from and that could vary as they wanted. We had not only horse owners, but mothers and daughters of horse owners there, ready to help with the horses (feed, muck, groom, tack) and showing a growing interest in learning from us.

I do like teaching. Especially teaching an interested student. These folks fit the bill just fine!

We all took turns at the information booth as well. Talking about the books, CDs, and DVDs available for sale, talking about Horsemanship Through Feel, listening to some amazing stories -- these were special moments -- of how folks were touched by watching Leslie's demos. Most had heard of her and/or read True Horsemanship Through Feel, but few had seen her in person before.

It was an honor to be part of that weekend. It boosted my confidence, to have survived the public exposure and to have thrived through the interactions with horses and their owners. Thank you, Leslie, for offering me this horsemanship opportunity.

Homes, horses, hopes

We are BUSY!

Getting one house ready to put on the market (RNB has lived here 10 years, me 3 years). Getting another house ready to live in. Hmmm, we may well get this first house sold before the next house is actually ready to live in. But that's ok, we'll work around a little inconvenience like that!

I'm pretty pleased with the flexibility and adaptability that I've cultivated. Makes living life a less stressful series of events. Oh heck, it makes life fun!

Last week's excitement at the new house was seeing the shell with one window hole cut. Stressed skin panels on walls and roof, so the workers needed some light inside. It really gives definition to the place, enough so that we made some decisions that mean major changes about interior walls in the kitchen/dining/hall areas. Exciting and it means revamping the kitchen cupboard plans. That is my afternoon appointment today.

My time with the horses has primarily been maintenance time: feed, feet, dragging the paddocks, and the shedding blade of course. I discovered through increased awareness this year, that Kacee's winter coat is the softest, silkiest of them all. Next year, assuming she is alive and well come shedding time, I intend to shed her out on a clean surface so I can collect her hair and do something with the lovely stuff!

Sofia continues to improve though I see her having normal bursts of excitement and motion that seem to leave her a bit more lame afterwards. I still have her and Bo fenced separate from the others, knowing this arrangement limits how much she has to move in order to avoid teeth and hooves of other horses. There continue to be scuffles between the boys defending their rights over the girls. But not with a large empty corridor of space between the two groups right now.

I had a surprisingly wonderful trail ride on Rusty this past week. I invited RNB to join me for a ride so off we went, he on Prince who hadn't been out for about 6 months, and me on Rusty who hadn't been out for at least 2 but maybe lots more months. Rusty was soooooo pleased to be doing something, especially to be doing something outside the ring. He is not one who likes repeating and schooling and all that. He will briefly complain then go along with my plans, but loses his sense of joy and excitement. His joy and excitement were there with us on the trail ride!

Actually, we didn't just saddle up and head off. RNB needed to spend some time with the bridling activities -- he's learning and developing patience, successfully, too! -- so while that was going on I rode in the ring primarily to soothe my little anxieties about the occaisonal gap between what I ask and what Rusty answers. That went well after a couple of disagreements about the meaning of left and right, and set me up to feel confident about going out of the ring where the great open spaces might bring up more energy than I'd like to ride.

I've done some teaching again. The winter was sparse for teaching. Perhaps when we move and I can use the indoor -- errr, my indoor! For some reason I am uncomfortable claiming ownership for that building, that incredible asset of a horsey space. I'll have to change something inside me to allow for pride and ease identifying as the owner and user of the indoor.

Anyway, teaching in Maine, teaching in Ohio, teaching in Vermont. It feels good, not only because I'm teaching within my level of competence and confidence, but also because it's harmonious with my passion and my personal hopes to live an integrated live, and there is evidence of good changes for the horses and their people. I hope to teach more. It's a good balance, too, for the work here at home that is emotionally demanding, that of sorting through belongings and making decisions to keep, toss, recycle/reuse/give away.

I still have many little thises and thats from my mother's home. Many are in boxes that occasionally I have opened, looked through, and closed up again. The items that I've unpacked and used or displayed are clearly the ones I value more, for their aesthetics and/or functionality. I hope to be ready to let go of the other stuff, find new homes for items that could be useful, trust that others can use them even if they didn't know my mother and therefore have no emotional attachment to the specific items.

RNB has many more things than I do, however it is much easier for him to make the keep or let go decisions I tend to avoid. Ah, another opportunity to improve my comfort with making decisions!

Other hopes? Ride more; put more effort into decluttering when I have an hour or two of "free" time; advertise and otherwise draw more teaching opportunities; decrease the amount of time I spend procrastinating completing paperwork projects (bills, lesson plans, snail mail correspondence); ride more; write more; let go with clarity and graciousness; ride more...

Sofia update

Sofia is doing better.

And so am I.

I've been struggling with my self blame for her injury, and my slightly egotistical belief that I am the only one who can provide her adequate care. RNB and I had a long talk about this last night. I need to make a decision soon about proceeding with my long standing plan to go to Ohio and assist and be assisted by Leslie Desmond at the Equine Affaire, or stay home.

I'm proud to share that I am capable to offering RNB the trust he deserves when it comes to powers of observation and ability to follow specific directions for taking temp, mixing meds into palatable feed, noticing changes in her gait and her leg (heat, swelling, etc.), and soaking her foot.

So, as of this very moment, I may travel, I may stay home. I don't have to decide right now. I do have to run pick up more antibiotics as the vet and I decided taking a more cautious route is a good way to go, especially because Sofia was running a slight temperature for a few days.

Friends, a wee suggestion: take your horse's temperature now while she or he is healthy. Note the temp and the time of day, and you will have a baseline for the future when you suspect your horse may be ill. Under $10 for the thermometer and you probably have some vaseline sitting around to lubricate. If you are not comfortable standing at your horse's butt and lifting the tail and inserting glass into the anus, then give me a holler as there is some trust missing between you two, and that's the sort of challenge I like in my role as The Horsey Therapist.


[Note: I have been blogging about Sofia's injury on a farm blog I started. She stepped on a nail, puncturing her right hind foot in the collateral groove, and has been very lame since last Tuesday.]

Winter ramblings ...

It's April and it's winter. My mind reminds me that this cold spring balances the warm start of winter. Does the planet really work that way?

Meanwhile, the high needs farm activities had subsided. Had subsided. That changed Tuesday evening when I found Sofia 3-legged lame. Bummer! I brought her inside where I could see, and found a nail in her foot, embedded at the edge of her frog in the collateral groove. Right hind, outside edge of frog. It took pliers and the help of my strong husband to pull it out. Sofia did not wince for that, but has winced at weight bearing time ever since. I'm doing all the right things from getting the vet involved, soaking the foot, feeding Sofia antibiotics, taking her temp, letting her move as much as she wants (suddenly I'm grateful for the snow -- so much better than the mud for a situation like this)... The vet did want to cut up the puncture site and pare it out, leaving a drainage hole. I said 'no thank you' and we discussed my 'whys'. Once he looked at the hoof, he realized he couldn't tell where to pare anyway so it was a moot point.

Honestly? The one thing I could have done differently was to call a vet equipped with mobile x-ray machine to come take pictures before we removed the nail. I did not want to wait that long. I didn't even know how long "that long" would be, but I didn't want to wait.

So far so good, meaning she's starting to bear a teensy bit of weight on that foot, is eating well, temp still within normal, and minimal stocking up has just started in the ankle. She goes out and rolls and lies down. She won't lie down in the stall.

Let's see, sick turkey, bottle baby lamb, injured ewe, and now Sofia. A varied bunch of stall uses!

It takes a lot of time to tend to a sick animal. I cried a lot that first night, feeling frightened that she'll never fully recover, and mad at myself for being a lousy horse keeper, unable to prevent this, and feeling bad that she was in pain and helpless to do anything about it. So many of our man made contributions to this earth are hazardous to animals!

So, I've not been riding. The weather has been miserably cold, windy, snowy. The arena was just getting dry and ground losing all the frost when winter was resurrected. Bleh.

Well, I should not say I've not been riding. I rode today. A little mare for sale who may become part of the herd at High Horses Therapeutic Riding Program. We'll see. She was 80% great, 16% very workable/teachable, and 4% potential real problem. For a horse, those are pretty good ratios!

Communicating online has become a challenge. I generally read and write to several Yahoo lists each day. For some unknown reason, what I send out does not get to its destination. So I am writing much less. Even here I've been writing much less.

Gosh, I have traveled though, and will do some more. I went to Maine to teach and visit. That was fun and satisfying. Soon I'm heading for Ohio for a few days of horse related activity. RNB and I have been dancing and that is reliably fun.

Keeping two horses stalled is work! As soon as RNB comes home, I'll reassemble the wheelbarrow with its repaired tire and clean stalls. Woo-eee!

What I am doing

True confessions. I am not riding. Not today, not yesterday, not the day before.

What am I doing?

Well, checking newborn lambs for one thing. The bottle fed lamb is now with his new family -- some wonderful folks who have taken other needy lambs from us in the past. I'm amazed at how time and energy consuming it is to have newborns on my mind, and in the stalls. Yes, it mean more work with tending to feed and water for them, but it's not just about the added work.

Reading and writing about horse stuff. Not writing here much but I might bring over some of what I've written elsewheres. On a training list actually. I am compelled to speak up when I read others giving advice to 'make the horse work' when the horse wants to do X instead of Y. Tire the horse out. Make him work where he wants to be so he'll want to go someplace else. Make him work when he resists (circle, back up 30 steps) so then he'll submit obediently. Make him suffer meaninglessly, over and over again.

Sheesh!

Those poor horses. I guess I maintain some hope that when I speak up in a public place like that list, a seed will be planted somewhere. A seed that lets some person somewhere start thinking about what the horse needs in order to do his best for his human. Not just what the human needs to manage the horse the way he/she wants to. It is so easy to act with punitive motives in our heart. The layers of defenses that we humans have -- all for good reason, I'm not knocking defenses -- but they do interfere with relationships, and on a deep level, they can prevent us from even recognizing our internal processes that maintain interactions that create distance rather than closeness. I ache for these horses. And yes, I ache for these people. I know from my own experience -- it doesn't feel good to be acting that way. Where is the natural joy in those moments??!

What else am I doing? Actively and successfully procrastinating doing taxes! I am typing up my notes from the couples workshop RNB and I did a few weeks ago. I need the reminders, just like when I type up notes from a horse clinic. And finishing up production of the latest newsletter for the therapeutic riding program where I work and volunteer.

And I'm getting ready for a trip to Maine to visit friends and do some teaching. I'm looking forward to that!

So, the sun just came out. I have time before I go folk dancing to do something outside. Maybe I will go for a ride after all!

I will ride today.

I will ride today.

Today I will ride.

Riding is something I will do today.

I will ride today.

Am I clear about my intention????

I can't even say I've missed riding these past days. But somewhere in my soul I have. Instead I have been feeding the bottle baby lamb, traveling local long distance trips, feeding the bottle baby lamb, typing up notes, feeding the bottle baby lamb, dealing with photos taken while on vacation, feeding the bottle baby lamb some more.

Some pictures from our visits in California:


Ocean at Laguna Beach




Newest granddaughter




Youngest grandson

Home again

We got home late Tuesday night. Despite the phone calls from farm care takers about this and that crisis during our absence, we managed to unpack the car and go to bed. A first for me, not compulsively going out to personally check on each and every animal before retiring. The new level of trust and acceptance felt good.

Lambing happened while we were away during the coldest nights (-20F) and the snowiest nights. Some survived, some did not. Our care takers were overwhelmed AND kept their minds focused and took initiative wherever they could. I have since done some googling and researching about problems with lambing, and have some ideas why there were problems this year and not in the past, but most likely we'll never know exactly why...

We do have one bottle baby lamb in the house right now. Something is not quite right about him and perhaps his ewe momma was smart not to help him make it, but he's thriving despite his shaky beginnings and from some reading, I start to think maybe he'll turn out fine in the end. Anyone want a bottle fed lamb? I'd rather not keep him due to the conflict that arises as I become attached to an animal that is bound for the freezer.

I did ride twice since coming home. The arena is a mess so I rode on the road in front of the house, supporting each horse to let go of their ideas and feel better and better about my ideas which were simple: further down the road, further down the road with more forward energy, stop, turn on fore, turn on hind, small half circle, stuff like that. Proceeding even further into a small trail ride on the dirt road was not an option because at that point the dirt road was in full mud thaw condition, ie., slippery sloppy soupy muddy mess. I won't drive over it in that condition, nor will I ride over it.

Now they are again frozen, and covered with snow.

We have had more water trouble this winter than I recall. Hoses freezing, pipes freezing, tanks leaking. This means I spend more time with shovel and ice picks breaking frozen tanks, and pulling frozen hoses from snow banks, dragging them into the cellar so the ice can melt. Only one faucet and outside pipe froze. Currently we're hauling water for the goats and geese in that area. I'm fantasizing putting together a series of hoses and running water out there from the cellar. I hate hauling water!

Our time away was wonderful. We visited various of RNB's family members in California before we went to New Mexico for an advanced workshop on conscious couplehood with Harville Hendrix and Helen LaKelly Hunt. It's remarkable what miracles can happen with clear intention, willingness to do some hard work (looking inward, being emotionally honest, reaching out to support an other), and determination to nourish clarity, enthusiasm, and safety in a relationship.