Horsey Therapist

Ongoing flow of changes

2010-09-01T06:36:00.002-05:00

I have been connecting with friends from the past and finding moments of solace and moments of elation and inspiration through these renewed contacts.

I have been practicing my best horsemanship and studying more with my most favorite teachers. My horses continue to thank me.

I have been working more away from home, spending my at-home moments checking in on Facebook, and making trails through the brambly fields here at home. Work still includes teaching at High Horses Therapeutic Riding Program, and I've been hired back to do some work for a local mental health agency again. And most exciting, I'm teaching from home now.

More later. I promise. Just can't tell you when 'later' is. Best wishes to all.

Maddie is here

2010-04-07T16:48:00.004-05:00

I took in a new and free horse on Friday. A young mare who has the potential of being the horse who carries me into my 80s.

One of her first gifts to me is an increased appreciation of the horses I already have here. We have worked out space and boundaries and have pretty clear communication about what's expected. Maddie on the other hand comes with some determined ideas about what she can and cannot do. Most of those ideas are about what she can do and leaves her questioning -- sometimes ignoring -- my ideas.

She, being a Morgan, is a quick learner. Ok, all horses are quick learners under the right conditions, but I like to brag on my favorite breed so please ignore or forgive my self-indulgence.

She quickly told me she did not like things touching her hind legs. We have many dried vines curling around the ground and it bothered her just the act of being led to her paddock. I envisioned some serious stomping on trail rides and decided I'd help her feel better about stuff around her hind legs. We figured this out nicely with the help of a soft rope and a patient, determined human.

Today we reviewed my expectation that she stand still and quiet-minded while I mounted her. She picked up on the still while I'm mounting her, but struggled with the quiet-minded and staying still until I asked her to walk off once mounted. We made good progress with this today as well.

I love coming back the next day and seeing how much she retained from the last time together. So far so good. In fact, excellent to the point where I feel 85% confident she would not run me over in the herd should another horse crowd her. So I remain on hyperalert status when feeding hay for example, and will do what I can to help that 85% grow to 100%.

Meanwhile my appreciation of the horses I already have here ... especially thinking about little Riza. I am ready to resume getting her started under saddle now that I realize she is already a quiet minded, attentive, ready-to-do-things-with-me horse. Maddie came to me with some saddle hours on her. With Riza I will be the one putting those saddle hours on. And we started this weekend where I proceeded from mounting and dismounting to mounting and walking and halting and dismounting. A good next step for both of us.

I have started other horses in years past without really, really noticing how OK the horse was feeling deep inside about the new things I was introducing. With Riza I am practicing making sure she's ok with each step. So instead of 'colt starting' in three days, it's 'colt starting' in three years. Even if I'm not addressing the riding part of our relationship with her every day or every month, I'm daily addressing our feeling good together and her comfort and readiness to let go of her thoughts and follow my direction.

We're doing well. Life is good. And I can say that with certainty after spending a few hours with my equine buddies here at Fine Fettle Farm.

Winter horse activities

2010-01-22T14:13:00.003-05:00

It's fully winter here in New England. Snow. Cold. Sun. Clouds. Cold. Mild. Really, really cold.

I am grateful that my dear RNB takes good care of the woodpile and the furnace and I have easy access to a warm home.

The horses are settling after their move to our new place. I love seeing them out the window in the morning. They know where to stand as they wait, and they can see our activity through some windows and patiently stand there until I come out to feed.

I'm getting more cardiovascular exercise since we moved. The hay is stored up top of a fairly steep, snow covered incline, and the gate to the horses' paddock as a bit of a walk as well. My body gets stronger and I find myself stopping between carrying bales to practice some Aikido, all decked out in my construction suit and sheepskin hat, there at the end of the indoor where the hay is stored.

It feels like I am endowing the indoor with some special energy each time I do it. I will make a small altar to properly acknowledge the spiritual side of my horsemanship.

My winter activity is developing my centering and connectibility through what I've been learning about Aikido. I suspect I will ride soon enough now that my horses and I are both in the same place as our indoor arena. But until I get mounted, there is so much I can do to practice -- paying attention, carrying myself properly, gaining emotional and physical strength, and integrating into my everyday life activities the wonderful morsels I gain each time I meditate and each time I invest in a clinic where my horsemanship and personal growth are the focus.

Life is good. There are moments when my emotions rear up and try to convince me that life is a struggle, but I don't believe that anymore. Sure, there are painful moments, energetic moments, tired moments, busy moments, quiet moments. But through it all runs a thread of increasing calm and acceptance. And I love bringing this to my horses.

Formula training

2009-12-24T09:38:00.002-05:00

A recent online discussion of horsemanship prompted me to put a few things into words. People were talking about formula training, formula trainers, and what they found valuable or not with some of the current 'name brand' formula trainers. One noted that some students want formulas and formula programs are good for those folks.

My thoughts reflect my opinion about formulas. Please read on...

Because I know from my own experience how valuable it is to have something to hang on to when I'm trying to figure out a half a kazillion things about horses and myself at the same time, I like to give some simple 'formula' stuff to my students.

However my formula is not about technique. It is about awareness and intent.

It is not written in black and white, but basically includes:

1. Become more and more aware of and well managing of your body, thoughts, and emotions.

2. Become more and more aware of and able to rightly interpret the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors of the horse.

So it's not about do this to make the horse do that. It is about learning and paying attention and having a two-way respectful and effective interaction with the horse as a living, thinking, feeling sentient being so all involved have the best chance to feel connected and proud of their relationship.

I will add that practicing #1 and #2 will lead eventually to a deep sense of interconnectedness and harmony. But in case anyone isn't clear about that possibility, I'll add that my 'formula' includes practicing withness. Doing things with the horse, not to the horse. Doing things together, now, connected, unified. It may start as a concept, but cradling the idea and the possibility will create opportunities for it to happen. And there is nothing better than withness.

So yeah, someone wants a formula? I'll give them one. :-) It's going to be one that encourages a commitment to developing mindfulness. And one that frees the student to be an active learner with the horses rather than learning from me.

Happy Holidays, everyone. May your days be full of insight and joyous surprises.

Rusty as barometer

2009-11-08T11:22:00.003-05:00

Today Rusty told me I'm on the right track with my exercise regime and attention to using my core and releasing my back muscles. After all, if I want him to move with ease and release his topline, then I need to do the same. He's always been a horse who reflects the minute details of my presentation. And today we cantered both directions (haha, not at the same time!) without a hitch. And by hitch, I mean that literally. Nice even tempo set by me and no need for him to hop around with his hindquarters trying to match my tight back. Because my back was relaxed! Hooray!

Equine Affaire in Springfield, MA

2009-11-07T09:10:00.003-05:00

I plan to be there on Saturday and Sunday, drawn to an opportunity to spend more time with my friends and teachers, Mark Rashid and Crissi McDonald. Please say hello if you are there. And for heaven's sake, please watch one or more of Mark's presentations! LOL

Intention through the reins

2009-10-10T15:27:00.002-05:00

A friend asked me if there was anything I'd been working on prior to this latest clinic with Mark Rashid and Crissi McDonald that they helped me with.

Yes.

Sending intention through the reins is one thing I've been playing with. I got the feel of that last spring with Mark's help, actually Mark helped me feel this before last spring but I keep reviewing it. What I experienced this time is the connection from my center, not just the feeling in the reins. Hmm, my first experience was feeling this with my hands. Last spring, I recall it was feeling it through my hands and arms up into my torso. This time it was feeling it from my center, connecting through my torso, shoulders, arms, hands and with the horse. The parts become the one!

It really is 'doing things together' and it really is 'with a thought'.

So subject line is inaccurate. This is intention through connecting being to being. Reins aren't required.

And gosh oh golly, I really can't describe what I learned because it was experiential and required a knowing body/mind to demonstrate and guide a learning body/mind to find it. It's not that it's personal or private or anything. How would you describe the sound of the wind to someone who was born deaf? How would you describe the taste of a strawberry to someone without the sense of taste or smell? Maybe you know this, in which case I don't need to put words to it. I had heard about it and thought I knew what was being talked about. And partially experienced it in past clinics. I didn't know what I was missing except that my horses would reflect that togetherness in action was here and gone again.

Other things I've been working on? Using only the muscles needed and letting loose all other muscles. I'm making progress and learned clearly that I'm using my back muscles more than my core muscles (especially obvious when we canter), and using my back muscles even when I'm engaging my core muscles. So I'm bringing my awareness to that as often as I remember -- walking, sitting, riding, driving in the car, doing dishes, wherever I am, whatever I'm doing... My core muscles are a bit sore!

I also learned that when I was ground driving, I used my body for the turns to the right, and my left arm for my turns to the left. Oops! That was an easy fix. Then added to that using connection and intention and wow -- fluid transitions of rhythm and direction. Then I brought this to my riding on the last morning, on my been-there-done-that Morgan mare. She likes the new me!

A few gems from Mark Rashid

2009-10-09T16:36:00.003-05:00

I have no extensive clinic notes to add to my clinicnotes blog, because I was busy being present and soaking in the learning.

However, a few notes I took during this past clinic time with Mark Rashid and Crissi McDonald:

If we can take the worry out of one thing, then maybe we can take the worry out of other things. Start with one job and show him how to do it.

We're looking for a frame of mind.

We'll miss the softness if we're correcting; we won't if we're directing.

On the funny end of things, Mark commented about the conversation happening between a rider and her horse as they were working through something. He said the rider said, "We're going to trot now" and the horse responded with, "I like flying saucers."

Sound like any conversations you've had with your horse?

I'm excited

2009-10-05T04:35:00.003-05:00

Lately I have felt excited about each day, similar to how it felt as a child on Christmas morning, full of anticipation and certainty that wonderful surprises were soon.

I am also excited about my latest time with Mark Rashid and Crissi McDonald. And I am excited about the 2010 week-long clinics with them right here in New England. And I am excited about the possibility of a local Aikido for Horsemen workshop soon.

It is pre-dawn and I will enjoy the coming of the morning light on my journey to Thornton, NH and the start of another great day of horsemanship, personal growth, and friendship. How good can it get!

Riza is teaching me

2009-09-29T08:15:00.002-05:00

I enjoy working with Riza. She has a quiet temperament, questions things without getting in a huff first, and lets me know when I am asking her to do something without my being personally involved and connected with her in the doing-it-together way.

If I think about sending her off in a circle aka lunging her, she pins her ears and tells me things are not right in the universe.

All I have to do is bring myself into connection with her again, thinking let's do this together, ok, here we go, and her ears pop forward, her eye relaxes, and off we go exploring my next request.

Awesome little gal. One day soon I will report that I am riding her. A little more understanding about the steering via ground driving aka long lining and we'll be ready to take on the next step of this adventure.

Excuses to not feel good

2009-09-28T09:12:00.003-05:00

I get daily reminders from several sources. This morning's quote from Abraham-Hicks via Facebook is:

Tell everyone you know: "My happiness depends on me, so you're off the hook." And then demonstrate it. Be happy, no matter what they're doing. Practice feeling good, no matter what. And before you know it, you will not give anyone else responsibility for the way you feel -- and then, you'll love them all. Because the only reason you don't love them, is because you're using them as your excuse to not feel good.

--- Abraham

This quote reflects something I believe in deeply, and am practicing as often as I remember. And it reminds me of my horsemanship and my life journeys.

My time with horses and my time with family offer me the most opportunities to practice. Being human, I fail, succeed, fail, succeed, and over time am indeed developing deeper habits that harmonize with my ideals and convictions.

I recall -- with a mix of cringing and self-forgiveness -- times when I acted as if my horses were responsible for my feelings. If they didn't do what I thought they could do, I mistakenly thought it reflected on me as a person and a 'trainer' and a horse owner who promotes good horsemanship.

I recall -- with a mix of laughter and tears -- times when I acted as if my husband was responsible for my feelings.

Clearly my long term and short term memory are working. I fall into old habits with my husband too quickly, too easily, too recently! This quote is timely and I am making a poster version of it that will hang over my computer monitor where I will see it at least twice a day.

There is an abundance of excuses to not feel good. I am highly skilled in identifying and seeking the so-called comfort zone of living just behind those excuses. Letting go -- especially when 'I feel' that I've been wronged, misled, excluded -- is in fact as easy as noticing my reaction and choosing a more pleasant thought or assumption in place of the story that was aggravating me.

Perhaps the motivation to be safe around the horses is why I am more purposeful with them than in my human relationships. I have experience of being injured when I am careless around horses. Hmm, I am forgetting that I am living in a state of injury when I am careless around people. Poof! There goes another delusion! My Buddhist roots speak up now reminding me that we are all connected, and what I do, think, and feel affects me as well as others.

Today I will spend time with Rusty to see how well I can stay in my feel good place regardless of what he offers me. I am imagining a breakthrough with us today.

Dreams

2009-09-28T08:08:00.001-05:00

I am resurrecting this from last winter as I've had some remarkable dreams recently. I like this one because of the punning. Some of my more recent and remembered dreams, though lively and meaningful, have been emotional nightmares, helping to surface some old pain kept hidden and alive by my unconscious thoughts and behaviors. I'm sure this dream from last winter is in the same category however the pain didn't wash over me like it did the past couple of weeks.

My notes about that dream: "Can't play, the kids are going to Israel..."

After waking, I wondered why I dreamt that the kids are going to Israel. I said this out loud a few times until I heard the meaning... Isreal, Isreal, Isreal... Is real!

It reflects that some of my internal reality is not playful, not fun. I can't play because my (inner) kids will be in reality.

I'm OK with that and grateful for the amazingly peaceful emptiness that comes after a release of the old, which is what happened recently. Like a knot deep in my belly is untied. Actually this recent knot was smack dab in the middle of my forehead, just above the space between my eyebrows. This knot is unravelling although I am fortunate to have periods when the whole knot feels loosened and ready to fully unravel.

Well, on second thought, I am not OK with the notion that play and getting real are mutually exclusive. Time to try out something different. Just imagine -- life with reality is full of play! I like this, and I bet my horses will, too!

Starting and starting over

2009-09-22T08:36:00.004-05:00

I confess I've been spending my 'writing' time on Facebook. It meets some needs although leaves some other needs unmet. So here I am using an old familiar route for expressing myself.

Hello, Fellow Blogospheriacs!

I'm quite accustomed to being busy most of the time. To meet some financial needs, I am working more than I had been for some years, and working using my mental health professional expertise which is rewarding as I feel competent much of the time. I urge everyone to do things that bring the feeling of competence!

Which brings me to one of my horsey questions these days: how to help my horses feel competent when we are doing things together.

I have been spending time with Riza, 5 year old quarter horse cross. I take my time starting a young horse, and saddled her with my bulky, double girthed western saddle this summer for the first time. My other preparations for riding her include lunging then ground driving her. My next steps will be to ground drive her saddled up and down slopes and around the farm outside of the ring or round pen. I have done enough in containment to know she's understanding what I want which so far is walk, trot, turns at walk, turns at trot, stop, and back up. She has done some of this carrying a bit as well, and when I find her further along with steering, like at about 98% responsiveness to my intention, position, and/or reins, then I'll hook the reins to the bit and proceed with that piece of preparing her for riding.

I reviewed much of Mark Rashid's DVD called Ground Driving yesterday. I like his approach to horses, to people, to the progression of skill development.

It leaves me wondering where to start with my older horses who have not have the benefit of being started slowly and systematically with their responses and readiness kept in mind during the process. I did lunge then ground drive two of them recently. They seem to understand -- so now how to get to the comfort, sense of competence, and beyond. That 'beyond' in my book is called enthusiasm.

Of course, I have to ask myself, is it fair to want my horse to be more enthusiastic than I am? How much does fear arise in me when I start feeling my horse's enthusiasm? I have more to release from past scared-as-heck moments I've experienced, especially with one horse. He is the one that continues to puzzle me. Or should I say, my reactions and responses when I'm with him -- even though quite subtle! -- are the ones that continue to puzzle me?

I am developing more focus and discipline as that is about the only way I make time to get out there and do things with the horses. Getting Riza started is one priority, getting/keeping Kacee conditioned enough for her health and her availability to carry me on the occasional longer trail ride is another priority, and now I am adding this 'figuring things out with Rusty on the next levels' as another priority.

I have been reading Mark Rashid's latest book, Whole Heart, Whole Horse which I highly recommend, and do buy it from his website so he gets the $ benefits of sharing his wisdom with us.

He was talking about when we give our hearts completely, then the horse can give the whole of himself. I was thinking about the parts of my heart that I hold back from Rusty, and know that I will start there. Not inspecting the holdings but start with bringing my whole vulnerable heart to our contact and see what happens. I think I vacillate between 'here's my heart' and 'by the way, we're doing this now dammit'. I have been learning a lot from my therapeutic riding students in the past months. I can bring that same freshness and open-minded creativity to my time with Rusty. I'm directing our contact, but please show me what you know, how you learn, how much you can take in new stuff without feeling bored, anxious, or overwhelmed.

I think it's all about my slowing things down with my older horses, like Rusty, just as I do with my younger horses. Slow down, offer something, notice the response, and slow down again. All the while energetically moving forward with purpose.

Millie, the cat

2009-07-05T15:56:00.005-05:00

I have been watching Millie decline rapidly over the past few days, and right now I am full of sorrow even though I say I'm ready for her to go. I watch myself continue to want to do something to make her comfortable, which of course assumes I know that she is not. Yesterday I was following the vet's recommendations to sub-Q hydrate her, plus I used a small syringe to get water into her mouth numerous times. I have only once forced water into her mouth today. She hasn't liked any of it. I could not continue but it's hard not to insist on water.

I know she's dying.

I had a conversation today with an animal communicator. Mostly I wanted to know if Millie is in pain. I also asked if there is anything she wanted me to know, or anything I could do for her to help her be comfortable. I was assured she is not in pain. That was most important for me to hear.

He mentioned something like cookies and cream, something black and white but he wasn't sure what. I didn't know what it could be, but just now, looking at where she lay down after I brought her upstairs thinking she might want to lay on the bed, I think I know what the black and white is. She is on a sheepskin throw rug, and our sheepskins are black and white. Or maybe it's the black and white kitty who sits outside on our porch most days?

I wish you well, Millie, and a smooth transition. And I wish you good hunting and companionship on the other side. You've been an awesome cat in my life, and I especially appreciate how well you've taken care of first Jake, and then Schumann. I can learn from you about offering nourishment to those in need, about protecting loved ones, and about setting clear boundaries when the play gets too rough. I can learn from you about dignity and independence, about the joy of eating, and about how simple it is to express preferences even if they are not honored.

Thank you, dear Millie. I will miss your pretty green eyes and your remarkable purr.

Ok, I will not miss your fidgeting with the bureau drawer at 6 am every morning even though it helped get me out of bed.

I love you, Millie.

Want an aprés spook calm-down cue?

2009-07-05T12:56:00.004-05:00

Let me know when you find one that is spook proof!

I guess I'm looking at BEING in an ongoing calm-down state in all aspects of my life and my horsemanship. As much as I can be that and can bring that to my horse time, unmounted and mounted, it's been helping me have more awareness, more calm proactive directing of the horse's mind, and more confidence shared between me and the horse.

So I can't help with an aprés spook cue. I could chat about helping a horse look to us for guidance when something frightens it. And having that trust be a core element in the relationship, not just something I want to count on in certain circumstances. We can pair anything we want with a calm state as far as I can tell, by classical conditioning. I'm not sure though that we can count on a conditioned response when the adrenaline kicks in. I am certain we cannot count on much of anything when the cortisol kicks in. Like with us humans, the horse's thinking mind doesn't operate at that point.

So awareness of subtle changes in the horse become important for noticing that first instant of adrenaline, of the horse questioning something in the environment. That is one benefit of developing our awareness. Then ask the horse to get with us mentally again by doing something he knows how to do, like back up, turn, walk, trot, canter, gallop... We can work on having an understanding of direction and speed when life is calm(er) and (hopefully more) predictable like in the arena. I practice these in the arena and outside the arena, the whole ride, not just when something startles my horse. I want my presence and my asking for a little of this or a little of that to be an acceptable way of life with my horses.

I discovered today that as well as Sofia listens in the arena, we leave the arena to go to the barn -- something I usually do leading her not riding her -- and her mind went strongly to the barn even though I was still riding her. A big hole in our understanding, and I'm glad I found it today, and helped her let go of the barn thought and check in with me to see what I had in mind for us.

I will share that I'm one of those folks who rode a lot as a kid. That did seem to help me have a good feel for riding and sticking with some athletic horse moves, but it did not give me the skills and sensitivity I value learning and using today. I've come by these the normal old fashioned hard way -- get in trouble with a horse, want something better, seek something better, start learning something better, practice, practice, practice, make a kazillion mistakes, seek more of something better, practice, practice, practice. And so on.

I'd be riding a bicycle if I weren't so keen on figuring out relationships. Some of those extreme bicycle trails might be as hair raising as a ride on an insecure horse!

I had a choice when I realized I had bought a horse who was less trained than I knew how to deal with -- sell her and try again, or find out how to help her so I could enjoy the rides I had in mind when I bought her. It's a risky decision to learn about horses with a horse who needs more than we know how to give, but the rewards are awesome. And yes, I've come off a lot over the years of learning with that particular horse. Never her fault, always mine.

I think I'll go ride her this afternoon.

Fun x 4 days

2009-05-20T08:14:00.006-05:00

That sums up my time with Mark Rashid, Crissi McDonald, and horsey friends. Yeah, there were a few moments of emotions other than joy and excitement, but very few. A nice change for me!

Rusty is my instant karma horse. He is with me 100% whether I like it or not. So if my mind goes out to something scary, Rusty is instantly scared. If my mind is focused right close when we canter, we barely move. If my mind goes out around the corner of the ring, Rusty carries me smoothly around the corner. If I am tight in my shoulders when I ask for something, Rusty is tight in his shoulders when he responds.

My mind goes to the dogs. Rusty's mind goes to the dogs. Look out, dogs!

So many learning opportunities about my accidental and my purposeful use of mind and intention.

Then there were the lessons in softness. Mark is a master at helping the human feel more softness. And once we feel it, we can recognize it and we can find our way back to it and offer it to our horses.

Boundaries.

Softness.

Imagining what we want -- speed, direction, destination, quality of how we go -- as the first 'cue'. Adding the mechanical cues if the horse needs additional help to come with us.

And much more.

Subtle guidance

2009-05-12T07:22:00.001-05:00

I took this quote from some notes I took Sunday auditing a day of Mark's clinic time in New Hampshire.

** You have to feel what you want first, offer that, then use the aid if needed. **

Yesterday I played around with this because it really struck me as a missing piece of my how I can help my horses be successful with the things I ask of them.

How I interpreted this: when I'm wanting a transition using the rhythm and counting in my head, I have to first feel and count before I expect the horse to make the transition. I think I'd been a little unfair before.

An example from yesterday... walk trot transitions... I'm walking with a 1234 1234 going on in my head and body, then switch to 12 12 and by the third or fourth 12, I'm adding an aid if I need to. Amazing how well it worked! I managed some halt walk, walk halt, walk trot, trot walk, trot canter, canter trot, and walk canter transitions.

It helped me feel so successful being on my gelding, Rusty, who is super sensitive to me anyway. Then I did some of this (halt walk trot variations) with Sofia who has fewer wet saddle blankets in her history, and 'historically' I might have said her favorite speed is halt. I love it when my horses make me change my mind about who they are!

Great day it was, yesterday auditing and today playing around with some new ideas.

Question about aging and starting a new equine relationship

2009-05-12T07:17:00.002-05:00

Recently someone was taking an informal survey, asking about middle aged riders who are "starting again with a new equine partner." I have a few thoughts to share.

There are three aspects of a new horse that come to mind right away. Mind, movement, survival instinct in action.

Until I am mentally and physically comfortable with those three, it worries me a little (or a lot in which case I don't mount) to ride a horse.

This can and does apply to the horses I own as well as horses new to me.

Mentally -- is the horse available mentally? Able to be calm? What does it understand? How does it respond? is the horse comfortable learning new things?

Physically -- can my body move with this horse's body? I have mostly ridden horses with smooth gaits and shorter strides so my body is not used to sitting the trot of a long strided larger horse. I bring that deficit however I'm working to change that, and "even at 61" I am making great progress primarily under the guidance of a physical therapist who is gifted beyond my imagination.

Survival Instinct -- how does this horse react when his/her survival is threatened? I came off my Morgan mare a few times before my body learned how to stay with her when she did her particular and habitual survival moves. It took a while to get familiar with my Morgan gelding's moves, mostly because I wasn't aware at the time of what he was doing because I was 'expecting' unconsciously in my body that he would move like she does. Not. I can ride with him now that I know his biggest, worst moves -- know these moves in my body, on a cellular level about which I need not think.

Of course at this point in my journey, I am seeking that mind-to-mind comfort before I ever mount, so that as long as I am paying attention to our relationship and responding responsibly with guidance in a calm fashion, those bigger moves should never surface. I'm getting better and better at judging what the horse needs from me before I even mount (and what I need from the horse), so that my rides are 'uneventful' compared to what I have expected, allowed, and experienced in the past.

I have 5 horses at home, one has never been ridden. I at times ride any of the 5-7 horses at the therapeutic riding program where I work as an instructor, volunteer trainer, and consultant to the horse herd coordinator. I'm approaching the older end of 'middle age' and am increasingly cautious because I hate hurting and being in any way incapacitated. That caution translates to more time on the ground establishing connection -- especially mentally with the horse, and physically with my own body. I'm pretty dedicated to a life time of getting better at what I love.

Openings

2009-05-12T07:11:00.002-05:00

**If we leave the horse an opening, he’s going to go through it.**

This is something I got from auditing Mark Rashid yesterday. I find it especially useful for my training efforts with volunteer horse handlers/leaders in a therapeutic riding program. It can take all the emotion/personalization/etc. out of the equation.

The horse is not getting away with things, not taking advantage of us, none of that. The horse sees when we are not alert, attentive, and responsible in our leadership role, and the horse will do what is natural -- start leading by default. Someone in the 'herd' needs to be the leader.

Some of our TR horses have a pause, which is very useful for most lesson situations. Some of our horses have virtually no pause, so any millisecond of straying human attention results in the horse taking initiative. Not so good for a lesson setting!

That statement puts the onus back on us, as we humans are the ones leaving an opening. The horse isn't waiting around looking for one (well, in some cases I imagine a horse would be doing just that!), but a horse surely will go into an opening when we leave an opening.

One comment from a student yesterday was: the horse 'took advantage of me'... I helped her reframe that to: the horse 'took advantage of my inattentive moment.' Yes indeed, that is exactly what any horse will do. What great teachers they are! Today I felt like I was teaching a meditation class, well, co-teaching alongside the horses.

One friend added to my thinking by pointing out how we can consciously create an opening for the horse to move into, guiding by leaving an opening where we want the opening, and allowing the horse on purpose to move (physically or emotionally) into that opening.

Mark Rashid's newest book

2009-05-05T07:12:00.003-05:00

I don't own it yet, but have already heard wonderful things about it. I will resist the urge to buy a copy next week directly from Mark and Crissi when I see them because it's on my wish list for a late birthday present from one of my brothers.

Meanwhile, a public plug for interested people to buy directly from Mark's website: Whole Heart, Whole Horse

I love Amazon for its easiness to order, its reviews, its preview this book feature. However I have learned that our low prices are partly because the authors do not get much or any remuneration for the sales of their books at Amazon.

I'd rather spent a little extra and support the one who has given and continues to give me so much help with my life's journey with horses.

Similar to my spending a little extra to support local farm stands, community supported agriculture, organic producers, and pasture-raised animal products.

It will be a treat to own another of Mark's books. But probably not as big a treat as riding with him again!

Hips

2009-05-03T21:49:00.004-05:00

My hips are moving more, thanks to 18 months of physical therapy exercises (4 visits with PT and lots of homework!) and some recent visualizations from Judy Cross-Stehlke, Level 4 Centered Riding Instructor.

How do I know? Well, the arthritis is painful as the joints gain mobility, and most importantly I can enjoy a canter and stay connected with the motion, in both leads.

I rode Rusty today then Kacee. Kacee will hold her canter despite what my hips are doing, or not doing. Rusty on the other hand will mimic my body and my energy. The good news? I can ask for a left lead then let my hips go to their habitual right lead position and -- tada! -- flying lead change! What an education for me! LOL

So I practice and practice and practice. It does not yet come easy but it is so exciting to me!

I'm also doing transitions over a ground pole -- gives me focus for the 'where we'll do this', and progresses easily to some off-the-ground-poles, also known as little jumps. Playing around with breathing the transition, breathing the steady trot, breathing the steady canter.

Then inside to do more of the PT exercises afterwards, trying to strengthen the muscles needed to move these formerly stiff, stiff, stiff joints in my lower back.

I don't need chocolate ice cream or a winning lottery ticket to get me excited... I need play time on the back of my horses!

Then to top it all off, I was out in the paddock asking Sofia if she would consider opening her mind and her mouth when I presented a bit, when Riza meanders over and starts nibbling on the bit. I think she will be fine when I want to bridle her if I keep building on her curiosity and her desire to be involved when I show up.

Springing with Rusty

2009-04-30T18:11:00.002-05:00

I rode him today, in the ring. We walked, trotted, cantered. My intent was for us to open up in our trotting, lengthening his stride if I could persuade/allow my body to be loose enough for his needs. We succeeded as well as we did some cantering.

The cantering went well, too, with my right hip moving enough to allow him to carry me on his left lead. That has been a problem and it was a little bit today. He will do a very springy lead change when my right hip is stiff. Poor dear. I'm dedicated to changing my body through physical therapy exercises and such. I love riding Rusty but it's hard for him to follow my feel when my body is stiff from some decades-old movement habits. The blocks are going and Rusty and I are becoming more connected and fluid. Yay!

Dear old Riza... she's not old but gosh she has a mind like an old been-there-done-that horse. At least most of the time. Today I put the saddle on her after riding Rusty, no lead line or anything. She stood like we'd done this a million times, not twice! Then I lunged her at the walk and trot, and over some cavaletti, too.

I suppose one day I'll get on her back. We're not ready for that yet -- I'll wait until she and I can do things with almost no discussions about direction. That time is coming, I'm confident.

Focus is required

2009-04-18T05:41:00.003-05:00

In so many realms of my life, focus is required.

I am working two jobs now. Some benefits are as I expected, like increased income. Benefits I did not expect include deep satisfaction of doing a job well done. At a job that I'm told has frustrated and enraged many prior employees. Another benefit: actively applying my mental health skills directly in my job environment (rather than indirectly applying them throughout my life). There are reasons why I pursued a clinical profession, there are reasons why I took a break from direct clinical work for the past few years. I wasn't sure I was ready to be doing this again but I am. It suits me.

The challenge of working this second job (I continue with my first job teaching therapeutic riding, teaching volunteers, working with the horses at the TR program) is time management. I no longer have the luxury of piddling away some of my waking hours. Admittedly, some 'piddling away' is crucial to my well being although I usually call it 'having unscheduled time'. Time to mull, time for new thoughts to surface, time when things that have been brewing can come clear and rise to the surface of my awareness.

What is exciting is that I have the opportunity to prioritize how I spend my time. I feel more eager to make careful choices so that at the end of the day, I will have done some things that are especially meaningful to me, like riding a horse or getting that condolence card written.

I reflect back on the past months and acknowledge how important it is to me to feel connected with family and friends. I have spent much of my computer time on Facebook meeting that need, and much of my non-computer time on survival worries. This winter has been rough, and fruitful. In face of some economic shocks, RNB and I have become more communicative and more understanding of each other's comfort levels, areas of risk taking, and needs for feeling safe and calm. This is well worth all the hours spent in distress, to come out of it in the ways we have.

And yes, "if my magic wand were working" as I like to say, I would be happy to have made these internal and interpersonal changes without the external upheavals.

Then I pause to ask, why do I think that my magic wand is not working? I suspect the tendrils of depression have affected my thinking these past months, approaching challenges with a heavy veil of hopelessness and resentment even as I fought to present myself to others and communicate reflecting my deeper spiritual beliefs. The veil has lifted and again it is easy to float down the river rather than stand on the shore line fretting about whether the river will take me where I want, indeed fretting whether I can survive the apparent turbulence of the river passing at my feet.

I have ridden two horses this past week. It required me to focus in order to be decisive about planning those rides, and it required me to focus in order to be successful in those rides. I was blown away by the presence and readiness to connect with me that my horses offered. It reinforced the notion that even if I'm not 'working' with the horses, the 'work' I do in the rest of my life enriches the time I spend with the horses. I consider my quest for softness and clarity a Life Quest, no longer only a Horsemanship Quest.

So all those little moments throughout the winter have added to the goodness I have today. Moments during feeding when I became more clear and intentional with less firmness about boundaries for example while I was carrying hay. Moments when despite storms of uncertainty and pending losses in my human relationships, I found my way back to softness and vulnerability. Moments when my healing body parts reminded me that once again, I should have asked for help instead of contributing my physical skills (shoveling for example!) while disregarding my here-and-now abilities.

Regard versus disregard. A fine thing to consider! I think my regard of Sofia the other day was the foundation of our success together. Subtly (to me, not to her) in the past I have disregarded the degree of her sensitivity and worry about some things I do in preparing to ride. This time I focused (focus is required!) on her needs rather than my plan, in a way that included my fully knowing that we would get things done -- that 'faith' thing that Harry Whitney talks about -- even while I had no idea when we would get things done.

It was sweet beyond imagination. My heart swells as I recollect.

I've have long known that focus is required when I handle and ride Rusty, more so than with Kacee, and in different ways than with Sofia. I am approaching my readiness to ride him. I have been envisioning our ride, and one of these days I will know it is time -- that I am ready to offer him the required level and duration of focus that he needs in order to feel safe and vulnerable and responsive with me. And I look forward to arriving at that moment. I do love that boy!

Beyond 'pressure and release'?

2009-02-22T16:50:00.004-05:00

Some fledgling thoughts...

'Pressure and release'

We all have been learning about that. And how the release teaches the 'yes' and gives meaning to whatever action the horse chose before getting a release.

'Feel and release'

That is what Leslie Desmond is calling her alternative to getting into the pressure stuff at all. She is much better at describing what she is doing than I am, but she keeps catching my attention with her approach to horses. Ideas from her and Bill Dorrance's book, True Horsemanship Through Feel, have stuck with me over the years. Ideas like, it's hard enough for the horse to cope with being in our human world. Why would anyone want to add more pressure to the situation? Just to release the pressure later? Not good enough. We can work with horses without first introducing more pressure before a meaningful release. (All my paraphrase and interpretation. Please read Leslie's website and her book with Bill and listen to her audio book!).

'Presence and direction'

I got thinking of how I release a horse, and how it seems to create an energetic disconnect from the shared intermingling presence all horses (all animals?) experience. So I got thinking about 'presence and release' but there I was with the 'release' dilemma again. I don't want to release a horse, I want to connect and direct. So I thought of 'presence and direct' as my latest concept to replace pressure and release.

I'm sure others have figured out how to release a horse and stay connected. Because I haven't, I'm coming at this from another angle. I have a strong need for words to reflect my experience. And those do the best right now.

Presence and direction.

When I choose to release a horse, it is when I'm no longer wanting to direct that horse, like setting it free from paying attention to and interacting specifically with me.

My horses seem to understand, and seem to appreciate that I'm not disconnecting every few nanoseconds in my attempts to offer something that makes sense ...

It's a work in progress, that's for sure. And the best thing about this sort of winter activity -- pure experimentation, no pressure from within me to complete anything beyond my safely delivering hay several times a day.

New use for personal power

2009-02-11T20:38:00.002-05:00

I teach a group of students each week. Our lessons are about ourselves and about horses. At the end of the lesson, I ask each student to share his or her 'highlight' for that day -- what was brought to awareness that struck a chord.

Recently a student sent me this note which I have edited to preserve anonymity after getting permission to do so.

Do you remember the last thing I said when we were talking about highlights? I was trying to figure out a way to use my wobbly new power for good (like getting my husband to vacuum).

He walked in the door that night, said hi, and then plugged in the vacuum and took care of the kitchen and dining room. When we were talking during dinner, I told him a little about what we were doing with the horses. We had a really good laugh about "the force" when he said he couldn't explain why he felt compelled to do vacuum. He's never done it before (probably never will again...)

What were we doing in the lesson that elicited these thoughts?

I asked the group to, one by one, stand some where and visualize one of the horses approaching them as they stood there focused on feeling calm and centered in their lower belly. This one particular student experienced her favorite horse coming right over to her 'even though' he had been enjoying rubbing on a post when she started this experiment.

I urged her to renew her self image to include her successes with these more subtle communications.

Side by side

2009-01-30T08:43:00.004-05:00

Strolling along, singing this song, side by side...

Not what I had in mind when I wrote the title. No. This is about danger and opportunity being side by side. This is about crises within which lie the seeds of creativity and surprise. This is about the storm whose eye is calm, about the height of the wave whose destiny is drawn with the ease of gravity to resolution. Paradoxes on the outside. Complements on the inside. Yin and yang. What is outside mingles with what is inside. What is inside infuses what is outside.

Side by side.

So as I spend a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, weeks, months living through circumstances I don't recall desiring, I am also rejoicing in the gifts that come side by side with the disturbances.

There is always another insight, another step closer to freedom from unconsciousness, with each crisis. At least in my life. I will not settle for getting upset about something. I need to know why I got upset. What happened to bring out such strong feelings. How much is this about Now, how much is this about Before. What can I think or do to release the distress and allow for calm to resume its rightful place.

This morning was approximately 5% about Now and 95% about Before. I am grateful that RNB recognized my state of emotional arousal and simply listened without taking it personally, without trying to fix me. It allowed for an opening inside me where I found things I had not previously connected to my present circumstances.

Things like giving to others. Giving everything to others. Giving because I had to, not solely because I wanted to. In the past, I wasn't living as if I had choices. Today I am, despite the moments when it feels like I don't have choices. I do still have choices. And I do make choices.

Sometimes the options seem limited, but that's another story for another day. By the time I publish this and some one of you reads this, this morning's upset will be a fading memory. I love the journey even if I don't always love the scenery.

What to do on a cold winter's day

2009-01-28T12:10:00.004-05:00

Read and write, of course.

Most of my writing lately has been letters of interest as I send out my resume to yet more possible places of employment. Some of my writing continues to be via email lists where I explore the finer points of horse handling and riding. Some of my writing is the latest edition of a pilot project collaboration that we intend to be a 10 week equine facilitated educational experience for victims of domestic violence.

What else to do on a cold winter's day? Drink hot tea. And write notes -- those old fashioned hand-written things that require pen and paper, envelopes, stamps, and a walk to the end of the drive.

There is not yet enough accumulated snow to warrant wielding the shovel. That time will come in a few hours. It looks like one of those snowfalls that require me to shove open the back door of the barn so I can squeeze out and shovel from that side to free up the door.

I may or may not get in the car and go stoke the fire in the other house. The good thing about that house is we built in a 1400 gallon water storage tank and heat that, which in turn heats the house. With the help of tubes and pipes and a furnace that needs to run every couple of days.

It's a strange limbo. Winter is nature's time of hiding the potential and the potency of renewal. This year it feels like a winter of the psyche as well. A winter of many realms, where futures are hidden, and the times of release, revelation, and manifestation are yet to come. Themes of job seeking and soul searching mingle with snow management and financial surprises. It helps to know that struggles are endemic. It helps even more to know that hope is alive, and endemic as well.

The latest delight -- and that is a strange word to use -- is finding that RNB and I are comfortable looking at the options ahead of us. Not options that would ever wake us up in the night and make us exclaim: "Hey, I have a great idea! Wake up - I have to share my excitement!" No, not at all. But options that make sense. Options that reflect our ability to adjust, to revise, to adapt, to rejoin. Regarding our ability to rejoice together -- we do that on the dance floor. A form of nourishment remains consistent.

What to do on a cold winter's day? Read, write, reflect, ramble, and now go warm the fingers around a hot cup of tea.

A computer generated break

2009-01-20T21:41:00.000-05:00

Because my usual computer is getting serviced, I am relying on my older computer to communicate in cyberspace. However there are many sites I am apt to visit that I cannot. My older computer's browser is not compatible with many of today's fancy-dancy websites. I had trouble with the expectedly simple signing in and arriving here where I could compose on my blog.

But here I am! -- with fingers crossed that what I write will end up published on my blog!

I prefer to take a break from computers because I choose to, like if I were traveling someplace where computer access is limited. Hard to imagine these days but so far, I do not have web access on a fancy satellite serviced phone. So if I were to go sailing, for example (and I'll take a moment to imagine the joys of being on a sailboat in a hot climate...) I would not check email, write on my blog, or check in with friends on Facebook.

This break is a result of a mechanical device needing service. Plain and simple. I wish I could report that I have maintained softness through this blip in my routine. I can report that I have re-found it. What a relief!

The horses are fuzzy and peaceful. I like getting bundled up and hanging out with them in the night. Unless the wind is blowing. It's peaceful in the winter. I suppose without various sounds from insects, or rustling of leaves, it is more quiet than in the summer. More still.

My focus for the past few months has been on increasing my time spent in paid employment. I am grateful for office projects at the therapeutic riding center where I teach. And I look in the paper and send out my resume, and look online and send out my resume, and sit down and think of places where I might work and send out my resume. I've never worked so hard nor spent so many weeks prior to being employed. Many new experiences for me as I transform from a happily partially employed quasi semi retired person to a person seeking full time or the equivalent of full time employment.

I hear David Bowie in my head singing, "Ch-ch-ch-changes!"

So, this break, due to computer malfunction, has been a break from time spent at the computer. I have been busy priming and painting walls at our new home. And moving hay from where we have it stored to where we keep the horses. And breaking ice in the water trough where the spring water flows slowly. And sending out my resume. I suppose I could be preparing last year's numbers for tax purposes... or going to bed at a reasonable hour. Hmmm, I like that idea....

I just noticed that I don't have the Preview Option on this computer's read of the blog site. That has been my favorite place for proof reading.

If you ever get bored

2009-01-04T12:41:00.002-05:00

If you ever get bored with what you are doing with your horses, consider something like this...

Die roten Teufel

An unsung song

2009-01-04T11:57:00.006-05:00

I have spent my days stringing and unstringing my instrument while the song I came to sing remains unsung. -- Rabindranath Tagore

This quote reflects something that is starting to 'stare me in the face'. Because I/we need more cash flow, I have been job hunting. This region where I live offers little in my profession but now and then something gets posted and I apply. A job for which I've been called to interview is something I never thought I would do -- not only 'not my thing' but not feeling qualified.

I am challenging both those thoughts. For one, because of the value of increased cash flow right now, my interests are expanding. No, I am not applying for the Taco Bell job at the 'local' (50 minute drive each way) shopping area, but I am applying for social work jobs that specialize in areas I've never pursued.

The qualification aspect is another angle. I think it has to do more with my comfort zone than with my qualifications. I am pretty comfortable in my comfort zone, and the flip side, I have been very reluctant to venture outside my comfort zone professionally. Why?

Fear of failure basically. And until now, no need to venture far.

Funny that at a time when my life feels challenged to the gills already, I am feeling ready to take another challenge. Somehow my mind would say that when things are smooth, then I have room for a big challenge. Not so. Things were smooth, so let them stay that way. Maybe I'm feeling more confident and competent about handling the unusual because in fact, I feel like I'm living the unusual.

If you knew my history, you would wonder that I consider some of my current life so challenging and unusual. I have done some unusual things in the past. For me, living life in the same relationship, in the same community, amongst the same group of friends and acquaintances, paying the same bills month after month after month -- that was unusual. And now, is usual.

Two other thoughts about my underlying fears:

Fear of commitment -- to myself in a new role. What if I assume this new role and find it doesn't suit me? That would create a huge conflict with the parts of me that are loyal to commitments, that do not walk away without years of consideration.

Fear of success, and I think this is what the Tagore quote stimulates me to think about. I can practice, practice, practice. I can think about this job possibility and dismiss it in advance because I have limiting thoughts about who I would be in the job, how others would perceive me in the job, etc. etc. etc. Or, I can continue with the interview process, hope for the best in the immediate future and the long term future, and start singing a song that was growing roots before I moved to Vermont, perhaps start singing a song I have not yet hummed in my heart.

I am tearing up now, because this applies to my horsemanship and my ideas about teaching more, and all my limiting beliefs. It's not entirely about this job interview although this is creating an opening for me to see something deeper.

I wonder why I want to know how my song sounds before I ever open my mouth and release the music?

Perhaps more importantly I wonder if I will let that shift so I can simply start singing my song, whatever it is, in this realm of activities that not only might provide enjoyment but also can provide an inflow of energy -- cash or barter value.

Michael Phillips and others have said, 'follow your heart and the money will be there.' I need to release the doubts about knowing what my heart says. I really do know.

Miracle or coincidence?

2009-01-03T13:44:00.001-05:00

I mention here "in public" that my computer is on the fritz, and gosh oh golly, it started up when I reached over to try (try, try) again. Strange ...

Computer woes while everything else looks rosy

2009-01-03T13:37:00.000-05:00

I can't even access my online mail account to send email with this computer because it won't accept the password that I recall. I cannot access Facebook because this browser is apparently antique. So I will write something here and hope that any friends happen by to find out why they are not hearing from me. I think I can spread the word via a yahoo list or two, too. Strange to be using an older computer, like living in a time warp.

Sun is shining and I will go paint at the new place. Chilly but bright. Suits me just fine.

I talked with a man this morning who believes the key to being with horses is gaining understanding and control (my paraphrasing) over their tails. He has given me something to think about, and probably experiment with. And hopefully meet up with him again some day to chat more about this interesting idea.

And here I've been trying to gain understanding of the horse's mind. Ya know what? I'm going to keep up with this mind stuff, AND add some tail stuff to the experimenting.

Happy New Year to all.

Abstainin' from complainin'

2008-12-22T18:45:00.000-05:00

Even the littlest complaints bring me down. Mine as well as those of others.

But gosh it's hard to refrain from complaining at times. I've been monitoring that, watching some bubbles of discontent rise to the surface and burst, splashing all around me.

I feel better when I manage what I can manage better than I have been. What can I manage? My eating, my sleeping, my exercising... my attitude.

I specifically committed to abstain from complaining a few days ago. A good idea. It set the tone to bring mindfulness back into my day-to-day activities. Especially those activities shared with my beloved and challenging RNB. It really is about me and what I do with stress. It really is not about any person or circumstance. I am the one who can change my attitude. My attitude is not dependent on what others are doing.

Is it easy? Not for me much of the time.

Is it worth the effort? As my mother used to say, "You betcha!"

Once a tank, always a tank?

2008-12-12T14:24:00.004-05:00

Someone asked a question about a Halfinger after hearing that they are 'tanks' and because of their breeding, do not need to be sensitive.

We personally own a Haflinger, who came with some words from his former owner like "he's just like that, won't change, blah blah." Because RNB liked his "in your face" friendliness, I left him (the horse) alone and did chores around him. He was never scary to me, just a "tank" - a bulky, extremely confident presence.

The timing coincided when RNB got very busy with other things and stopped doing things with the Halfinger, and when I got more intent on having different boundaries with the herd of six here at home.

The Haflinger is very capable of responding softly, quickly, athletically. Nobody had probably ever asked him before to do more than pull in harness or carry under saddle.

That said, I do believe that -- to quote Harry Whitney -- so they are started, so they go. Which to me is the same for people as horses -- our first lessons about how things are become our foundation. Yes, we can alter things later, but under stress, we tend to resort to our foundations.

With a few horses I have met who had reputations of dragging people around in halter and lead, I try to address what I want from two places. One is to help the horse understand that I know we can do everything together without my taking the slack out of the lead or reins. That seems to establish a new pathway for understanding between us, and eliminates the push-into-pressure response.

When that is pretty reliable, I start to reintroduce pressure in order to help the horse learn new ways to reduce the pressure, instead of pushing into it, or in some cases, yanking the tools of pressure out of the human hands (picture that pony who knows exactly when and at what angle to bolt in order to get free from the lead line contact). Basically, helping the horse know how to rearrange his body so the pressure is gone.

Because it's very, very, very likely someone is someday going to carelessly apply pressure instead of connecting and guiding the horse, I hope that my efforts result in a horse who can think of a few more options beyond pulling away or pushing through.

There are so many parallels in helping a horse like this and helping a human who has learned to push and pull his/her way through life. What a delight to discover that within that "tank" lives a bright, sensitive, alert being who indeed will respond to different expectations.

I'm falling for her

2008-12-09T13:18:00.002-05:00

That has several meanings.

Today it means this: in order for her to feel better in her skin, I will fall, fall, fall again.

I was walking across the paddock behind the barn this morning and slipped and fell. My sudden change of position triggered a buck and a run from Riza, the 4 yo, and a little shuffling from the two horses closest to her.

This is good to know. I sure want to help her feel better about people falling to the ground before I ever get on her!

So I practiced falling.

She got used to it pretty quickly.

I was padded by my many winter layers (just getting to about 20° at the time, was below 0° again last night) so nothing hurt.

Maybe some day I'll be practicing Aikido falls and rolls again. My body is feeling better enough that I can consider the possibility. I did practice some sword moves the other day -- breaking up kindling with an overhead swing.

I may look like an old lady, but I ain't. Only on the outside.

Brrrr!

2008-12-08T09:33:00.003-05:00

Brrrr!

Coldest morning this season.

I told someone it was in the single digits.

Then I realized it was in the single digits below 0°F.

Some things are worth repeating.

Brrrr!

Moment of gratitude for layers of cotton, silk, wool, fleece, sheepskin, down, you name it. Layers rock!

6th Picture Challenge

2008-12-06T11:08:00.003-05:00

Below is the 6th picture in the 6th folder in the pictures section of my hard drive. I am basing this on an idea from Behind the Bit...

Here's the picture.

Taken a few years back in the barn aisle of a farm with an indoor attached to this area of stalls. I was researching indoor arenas. I'll go another step and show pictures of the arena that is attached to this barn -- inside and outside views.

My favorite arena from those research days is one in central Maine, open on three sides. If I find pictures of that one, I'll post them. Special place!

Naive

2008-11-25T09:13:00.005-05:00

Recently I read where someone was criticized for having an amazing amount of naivety in their horsemanship, which got me thinking...

I want to be more naive!

What is amazing is how naive horses are, and what a challenge it is to become as naive as they are.

I looked up 'naive' in my Oxford American Dictionary:

"Naive, adj. showing a lack of experience or of informed judgment."

I can see where this could be considered a deficit, and I can see where this could truly be an advantage. Isn't it when we become childlike again that the wonders of the world are available to us? And "childlike" -- isn't that the fresh, open place, uncluttered by life's baggage?

Waiting for the next squall

2008-11-21T22:48:00.005-05:00

A couple of years ago, RNB and I went sailing. Not just an afternoon excursion on the big lake in our little sailboat. No, this was a week on a chartered sailboat on some open and windy parts of the Atlantic. RNB skippered the boat and I crewed. It was a challenge for me. My preferred risks are land-based and mostly involving big, quick, hoofed mammals. RNB likes the ocean and I like the idea of the ocean.

What I didn't know when we left land was that RNB would be happy fighting for survival on a sailboat in a hurricane. Me? I would be happy drifting lazily on calm seas.

Our sailing was mostly somewhere in the middle -- steady winds except in harbor, moderate swells at times, some swift tides to negotiate entering some gorgeous areas where we could moor the boat for overnights and snorkeling.

What neither of us knew is that we would encounter major squalls on our way back the last day. The wind would come up suddenly and we would fight to stay on board while lowering some sail in the hopes of riding out the gigantic waves without being blown over or off course too much. Then the wind would quiet and we would rest. Well, RNB would fall asleep while I fretted about what had just happened and fretted that it may happen again. Which it did... I remember the feeling of bracing myself with all four hands and feet, steering while RNB was hauling in the lines, lowering or raising a sail.

Why am I writing about this now?

Lately life seems like that sailing trip we took. We are on a boat with no other option but keep sailing. Moderate steady winds are the norm. And with a few major squalls already weathered, I am waiting for the next one to come. It could blow like that at any time. And when the next squall hits, all I will be able to do is focus, hold on with every fiber of my being, and hope we are spared by the forces threatening to overpower us. Then breathe deeply and relish the calm seas that surprise me as much as the squalls.

Fond fund raising memories

2008-11-21T22:38:00.004-05:00

Finally I got a picture from the annual Ride A Thon, one of High Horses' major fund raising events. It warms my heart to view this picture, partly because there I am smiling in the good company of a colleague/friend/neighbor and our horses, partly because there I am riding on a warm sunny day.

We had a high today of 20 something degrees. Brrrrrrrr!

About 25 riders raised over $9,000 this year. Here we are at the end of a 4 1/2 hour ride which we expected would be a 2 1/2 hour ride. It was much hillier and longer than estimated!

Am I ready to ride?

2008-11-09T11:08:00.004-05:00

I won't ride my Rusty gelding unless I can meet certain condition. In fact, I won't mount any horse unless:

1) I check him out before I ride doing ground work to connect with him and see how directable he is at walk, trot, backing, turns, standing still.

2) I can be present enough to notice what he can handle today and not take him anyplace (even to the other end of the arena) if he shows ANY concern whatsoever. If my mind is preoccupied, I cannot offer that to us.

3) I can ride out any expressions of his worries that might happen despite all my best precautions. If my physical and mental abilities are limited and I cannot promise us that I will ride those first seconds of power burst then start directing him, rather than let my fear reaction take over and add oil to the fire (grabbing with my inner thighs, holding my breath, picking up the reins with the hope of slowing him) then I have no business being on top of a horse.

Hence I have not ridden Rusty often since I'm still healing an injury from last March. It's a tall order for me as a human and a rider. One I can fill now and then. I have ridden Rusty 4 times, all in the ring, since March. I am certain I cannot count on myself to ride through any big, worried movements he might offer because I have missed signs of his smaller worries -- my survival instinct is still too strong as I want to protect myself from further pain.

I have ridden my Morgan mare, Kacee, many times. Her concern shows itself earlier and smaller, or at least I can recognize it sooner and direct her to something that suits me better. Plus I follow the same rules for her as for Rusty but have found that if I take care of 1 and 2, then 3 doesn't arise. And if it arises, her survival instinct in action is more a straight forward gallop compared to Rusty who will buck and bound, almost not really knowing what is his own plan to get to safety. Kacee's plan is clear and distinct -- run for home -- and I can ride that until there is room in her mind for some direction from me. But as I indicated, I like to answer her questions about who is making our decisions before I leave the ring.

Anyway, following an injury -- especially a horse-scared-me-scared-me-hurt event -- I do a ton of thinking, wondering what did I miss leading to this event, and what can I do differently to prevent any recurrences. And then approach the whole relationship more cautiously but at the same time with more certainty about what I have learned and can now do differently in order to keep us connected and safe or at least within sight of our comfort zones.

It is too easy to forget all the possible ways we can be in the path of harm. Those moments of forgetting -- of diminished awareness -- are the moments that leave us vulnerable. Developing a clear sense of whether I can stay in my own thoughtful and aware state while riding -- that is my main job. I know how to ride, I have adequate technique under my belt about horses and riding. It is the other stuff now that will only grow and expand for the rest of my life. And wanting a long and active rest of my life, I'll stay on the ground with a horse until I am confident we are connected -- not just that the horse is doing what I ask, but that the horse and I are tuned in and on the same wave length -- the horse is feeling open to my leadership presence and looking for my direction, not just accepting it or worse, just tolerating it.

And my baseline of what a calm, ready horse looks like and feels like keeps changing as my awareness grows.

And actually, after an injury, I am riding less as I become more aware. I honor the (temporarily greater) gap between my mind and my body -- my body is not as strong and agile as it could be right now (the injuries) and my instincts to protect myself are stronger than my intent to behave as the best rider I can be. So I am on the ground for the most part and learning, learning, learning as I interact, pay attention, interact some more.

These words come to mind (attributable to Tom Dorrance as well as Alexander Graham Bell): Observe, remember, compare...

Added note regarding books I bought

2008-11-09T00:12:00.002-05:00

Leif Hallberg's Walking the Way of the Horse is basically a text book for equine facilitated mental health and education. More details about the book can be found on the Equestrian Network Magazine: Book Review by Martha McNiel.

Quoting from there: "The first half of the book (chapters one through eleven) comprise a stand-alone book covering the history of the horse-human relationship; the history of the field of Equine Facilitated Mental Health and Education Services; and theoretical perspectives and ethical considerations for EFMH/ES services. The second half of the book (chapters twelve through twenty-one) are a second complete book, covering eight different methods of theory and practice in EFMH/ES work. Each book could have been published separately, but the need for a comprehensive text book necessitated that all this information be included in one large volume."

2008 NARHA National Conference

2008-11-06T15:46:00.006-05:00

I was in Hartford, CT recently for the 2008 NARHA National Conference. Basically the biggest professional event in the US in the field of therapeutic riding and equine facilitated mental health and learning. It was great.

I started my week away from home with a visit to meet in person some wonderful bloggers I know. Their blogs are Teachings of the Horse, Grey Horse Matters, and Glenshee Equestrian Centre. Wonderful horse people to get to know better!

The next day I spent at Green Chimneys, a farm-based residential center in NY that serves close to 200 youths. That was a pre-conference workshop. Then three and a half days of workshops, presentations, food, and comraderie aka networking.

And I presented there as well, on Saturday as part of the "Horse Expo" at the Storrs, CT campus of UConn. A big thanks to the UConn Equine Studies program!

I purchased four books after some contact and conversation with each author, both to support these wonderful professionals and to have convenient access to their thoughts via the books.

1) Walking the Way of the Horse: Exploring the Power of the Horse-Human Relationship, by Lief Hallberg

2) Riding into Your Mythic Life: Transformational Adventures with the Horse, by Patricia Broersma

3) My Horse, My Partner: Teamwork on the Ground, by Lisa Wysocky

4) Hello Bob! + 49 Other Interactive Vaulting Games, by Gisela H. Rhodes

I have to write up an evaluation report on the workshops I attended (which I predict I will post here when I'm done). These are the titles of those workshops I attended (there were often 4-5 workshops running concurrently):

EFMHA Workshop: 60 Years of Practice: The Impact of the Green Chimneys Farm Nature Based Program Approach.

Managing Stress in Your Equine Herd - Lisa Wysocky.

Working with Nonverbal Learning in a Therapeutic Riding Setting - Becky Lundeen, CCC, SLP, HPCS.

Horses and Individuals with Autism: A Natural Therapeutic Relationship - Deborah Lipsky and Will Richards, PhD.

The Important Relationship Between Autism and Movement and How a Horse Can Help - Nancy Stellrecht, PT, HPCS.

Equine Facilitated Group Therapy with Teen Survivors of Sexual Abuse - Molly DePrekel MA, LP and Kay Neznik.

Stepping Stones to Success: How to Achieve and Measure Skill Progression During a Riding Lesson - Anthony Busacca and Amy Sheets.

Transitioning the Hippotherapy Client into the Therapeutic Riding Arena - Laura Simak and Debbie Sords, PT.

Advanced Leader Horse Handling - Lasell Bartlett MSW.

Understanding Equine Behavior & Desensitizing - Holly Sundmacker and Lauren Fitzgerald.

Creating Symmetry between Horse and Rider - Tracy McGowan.

Teaching and differences

2008-10-24T16:00:00.007-05:00

It is interesting how much overlap there is between teaching people with disabilities, teaching horses, and teaching 'normal' people who are handling and riding horses. I guess it's all on some strange continuum perhaps related to brain size, potential for complex thinking, and access to frontal lobe/thinking brain.

The ones with less ability to access their thinking brain in 'normal' ways -- and those would be the humans with 'disabilities' (the humans with VERY different ways of thinking and communicating) and the horses -- draw out more patience, curiosity, determination, and creativity in order for me to feel some satisfaction in my chosen role as instructor, trainer, consultant, etc. I am not one to feel OK about saying the same thing over and over again in hopes something will sink in (although key principles certainly don't change).

I have learned to do a sort of triage when teaching (although I have not before put this into words). I may not ever be able to help a rider's ankle mobility for example, if that rider has cerebral palsy, but within the limits of safety, I can help that rider feel more balanced, more in tune with and in charge of their horse despite limitations of body position and flexibility.

So that experience might in turn influence my focus with a 'normal' rider. (And please know, I'm not convinced there is a 'normal'!) If my effort to influence position of body parts for example is not resulting in a change, I will focus on something else so the rider CAN succeed and will at least feel good about the learning process, and hopefully I can also help the rider make some changes and be better able to influence their horse to do what the rider wants to be doing.

And that will also influence my approach with a horse. Perhaps I need to adjust my focus today to fit what the horse is ready to do today, rather than force my agenda and perhaps get X or Y accomplished but without that 'I'm OK with what we're doing' feeling that is an ingredient I highly value.

I find I have to be in an open-minded creative mindset or else I miss a learning opportunity -- mine OR my student's. For example with a rider with autism -- and no two are alike at all except for the umbrella generalization that they will perceive the world and communicate about their perceptions in ways that surprise, puzzle, and amaze me -- like with a horse, I consider it my job to find how to communicate successfully. The horse left on its own is not likely to come asking me how to be more balanced when doing a turn on the hindquarters, nor is a person with autism likely to come ask me for anything, much less instruction in something foreign and perhaps even a bit frightening.

And with these two 'sorts' -- horses and riders with autism -- I must keep refining what I notice so I can more accurately perceive their communications that come either spontaneously or in response to something I have expressed. No big surprise to many, this ability for anyone or any horse to be communicating very clearly -- according to their perceptions -- while OUR reception of their communication is usually impaired.

I would say the same thing for 'normal' students. When communications are not happening as we would expect (I say ABC, rider understands ABC and proceeds to attempt ABC versus I say ABC, rider understands ACF and proceeds to attempt AFG), then something, somewhere in the communication system is not working. I tend to start with me and what I might change -- words I chose, checking what the student understood of my instruction, etc. Then I wonder about the rider's current state and if anything (like emotions, internal monologues, etc.) is preventing access to listening, absorbing, acting on new input.

When that is the case -- for example with a 'normal' rider who has residual fear from a past relationship (could be a fall of this horse, could be a disruption from a human relationship that messes up the ability to be assertive and clear without emotion, etc.) -- and thanks to my professional clinical experience, I will open the door for us to air out some of the subterranean stuff that is interfering. Of course not all riders are open to this, but the ones who continue to ask for lessons with me have learned that this is part of what they get. I am not interested in helping a rider who refuses to acknowledge that the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual aspects we bring to our equine relationships are very important. Admittedly, this may not be a conversation we have in the first few lessons, however when I hear riders express frustration or anger at themselves or their horses, I respond to that, not just their balance, their posture, their timing, etc.

Lessons in drywall

2008-10-14T15:42:00.003-05:00

I am proud that I am finding ways to explore, discover, learn, and become more aware and effective while doing something quite... err, well, mundane. If I weren't intent on studying life, I might call the task horribly boring and certainly tiring. Putting in drywall screws all over the walls in our new house readying it for taping and mudding. I get out the knee pads if I'm really low to the ground, and I get on the step ladder if I'm higher up. Due to my beloved shoulder, I have my height limits!

I watched a couple of times when Mark Rashid change his available power by adjusting the form of his skeletal alignment. He was doing things from the core and with intention, using a willing clinic participant to help him demonstrate some ways to be effective while staying soft, using our core rather than strength. The core and intention are augmented by proper alignment of the body. I have a tendency to drop my left hip back, so when using the cordless drill today, I kept adjusting my pelvic orientation to be perpendicular to the direction of force, and each time I did that my task was easier.

When riding and walking, I have been focused on my right hip 'stuck forward'. It is quite a lot easier to bring my left hip forward than to bring my right hip back. I'll see what happens with this discovery next time I ride.

Mark Rashid Clinic

2008-10-14T12:16:00.002-05:00

Here are some of my notes from a recent clinic with Mark Rashid and his wife, Crissi. Unlike previous note-taking, I did this after the clinic not while it was happening.

Be the magic. Don't act then wait for the magic to happen.

Lead -- rather than ask my horse to do something then join her in what I've asked or pushed her to do.

I can.

Any thoughts I have are distractions from our connection.

The greater my awareness, the more responsibility I have.

Softness comes in many forms. It comes from the joy and connection, not from doing something like someone else is doing.

"Getting through the brace" is quite literally that. Nothing esoteric at all. Simply using my intention in action to move through the brace, move to the other side of the brace. Not push against it with the hope of helping the horse reconnect with my plan.

Feeling my legs/energy down and encompassing my horse. No more 'my legs' and 'her body'.

Stark realization of my stopping point regarding canter departs. My mind went something like this: 'I hear Mark telling me we can do it, that my horse is ready. I believe things Mark says. But me? Do this now? I don't think so.' My realization came the evening after day one of a 2 day clinic. The next day I went to my riding time with a deeper level of openness to Mark's direction. I had a smaller gap between hearing directions and acting on them. Progress!

I have a significant brace against being told what to do, even when the person telling me (Mark) and the direction being given (being soft and effective and connected) are 100% what I want and coming from a source I respect and trust. Regardless of my conscious wants, the brace keeps me from simply following directions and discovering how easy it is to be the magic. (My husband had a big 'aha' moment followed by laughter when I shared this realization with him -- he knows this brace well!)

Mark spoke about people who die in head-on collisions because they are focused on the oncoming car rather than seeing the openings to the left or right where they can direct their own vehicle. I realized I can adapt the same 'look for the openings' when my braces show up. Instead of staying focused on 'oh, look, here's my brace', I can look for how to blend. Make THAT my practice now that I am aware of this brace.

Blending and bracing cannot coexist.

Make horse versus help horse versus do this together. Make and help reflect dualities of me and horse. Do this together reflects the actual togetherness that exists everywhere (except in our thoughts about things).

There were many opportunities to learn these things experientially - riding my horse and engaged with energy stuff with Mark and other clinic participants. It was super. These clinics are healing.

Quote

2008-10-05T09:25:00.002-05:00

From CharityFocus.org :

Be The Change:
What do you consider to be the most invaluable aspect of your own life? Find a way of sharing it with others.

I signed up for daily emails from their website. Today's message was especially meaningful to me.

In some areas of my life I feel like I have been knocking at doors that are locked. Not locked and barricaded, but locked. Last night I started thinking about resuming writing activity on the book my father told me to write. Then this email quote arrived and bingo -- feels like it's addressing just what I need to hear.

There are ways I can share what is important to me. These ways may not be the ones I have thought were available to me, the ones that I thought would open doors with that lovely flow of Things Going Right with the Universe.

I have a long history of not listening to what my father has to say, and certainly spent many of my younger years doing exactly what he told me not to do. Two biggest examples are: Do not ride a motorcycle. I forbid you to hitchhike.

Perhaps without his disapproval -- his adamant disapproval -- I may never have pursued those two high risk activities. But he disapproved and I was compelled to act. Despite some mishaps in each arena of high risk behavior, I am alive and able to recall and reflect and make other choices.

So it struck me when, last spring, he told me to write a book about what we were discussing. Horse oriented of course. And I started right then and there. So I have the beginnings of this book and as I said, yesterday it called to me. Time to focus my attention to this possible way to share something I highly value.

Of course, time will tell how deep is my commitment to this. I am so quickly distracted at times from completing some very dear endeavors.

"Withyouness"

2008-10-01T09:36:00.003-05:00

I just read a mini-report from a friend who rode with Harry Whitney in a recent clinic in Virginia. She focussed on a new word Harry was using: "withyouness" and how it has helped her with her horses.

I like that word. It reflects the core of what is so important: I am present, horse is present, we are present together.

Harry has long talked about horses holding back, not giving 100%. His use of "withyouness" points us toward what we want to be replacing that holding back.

I like to think in terms of people behavior -- often my own -- to help understand horse behavior. I am very familiar with doing something half-heartedly. Of doing something reluctantly. Of doing something 'just because' without a lot of energy. Just getting by.

It doesn't feel good when I proceed like that. Every cell in my body, every micron of energy is compromised. We are designed to do things with all of our energy, focus, physical and spiritual gusto. Although looking at the social systems that contain and define so much of our expressions, dreams, and day to day actions -- who would know we are really designed for such a passionate existence? We are so often praised and rewarded for mediocrity.

I love telling frustrated parents of precocious and/or willful children: hey, these things that are driving you nuts right now are qualities of a great leader in the future!

So back to our horses... Our horses become dull with us. Often to suit our degree of dullness, of holding back. Often to suit our fear of living life fully -- in full awareness, in full integrity, no more little white lies to ourselves or others... A little intimidating even to consider it!

A dull horse is unpredictable. We do not know what lurks below the dullness. A dull horse is difficult to direct. Our requests have to permeate through an unknown series of levels before we are heard. A dull horse is defended. Defended against our chronic absence perhaps?

I need to bring myself more fully into the present moment in order to be with my horse in the present. It means practicing being present. It means grieving and laying to rest familiar habits of this or that which help keep me someplace else. It means pursuing with passion that which is important to me: connection, togetherness, "withyouness". It means facing my fears as quickly as they surface to consciousness so they no longer pull me away from the Now.

When my horse is confident I am here with and for him, then I will have earned his attention and respect, and he will not simply allow me to direct him, but he will melt or meld into my sensible leadership performance.

Because we tend to think and act as if our horses and our Selves are separate beings, this "withyouness" concept is potent. It can help us think our way into a together place, to recognize it and appreciate it when we find it either because of our prolonged and determined search for it, or because of a moment of grace when we are gifted with an experience of this present connectedness.

Update on Soli

2008-09-24T19:33:00.004-05:00

He is well loved by his temporary family in Maine. Being ridden, driven, and appreciated for what he knows.

Here he is being ground driven as PG practices before getting in the cart:

And here are PG and DG going for their first drive together off their property:

Jumping for joy

2008-09-21T21:10:00.003-05:00

I had fun the other day. With Kacee. About as good as it gets.

I had planned to take Rusty to spend some time with Kathleen Lindley, however Rusty has injured his left hind and needs time off from riding. So Kacee it was to be.

Our day started off challenging right at home, and left me confident that taking Kacee was the best thing possible. I needed guidance figuring out how to help her better than I have helped her, especially when it comes time to catch her and trailer her.

That part wasn't fun, but I kept close to my breathing and did not sink into emotions while helping Kacee stay in the trailer. She loads fine, but is not calm about staying in the trailer. I need to have trailer loading for any of the horses be a time when the horse does not question me or hesitate. This would be important if there were an emergency -- hesitating could be life threatening.

Kathleen guided us step by step until we were happily trotting and cantering over jumps, breathing, together, me guiding Kacee with ease and great pleasure. Kathleen reminded us to think of it as a transition and forget about the jump. By the end, I felt like my body memories of jumping (45 years ago!) got reunited with this older body, augmented by consciously breathing around the ring and using my breath for the transitions. And Kacee blew my mind -- she was eager, responsive, and willing to go where I wanted her to go and transition when I asked.

It was me who needed Kathleen's gentle clarity, not Kacee. Kacee was just waiting for me to take more responsibility for the good times we can have. I have had a tendency to ask for something from Kacee then accept what she offers, whenever that might be. Instead of kindly asking again and helping her give me a more precise answer, like canter here, not half way around the ring.

From my presenting a global goal -- Kacee feels good about doing things with me -- to being helped to get specific -- Kacee canters at this ground pole -- it all added up to a big smile on my face and in my heart.

Call me the tortoise

2008-09-17T06:30:00.004-05:00

I'm in New York today. Here for a couple of days to audit a clinic with Leslie Desmond, and connect with some horsey friends I've not seen in a while. It was a long drive over yesterday after a short night's sleep, but well worth it and I picked up a few things I hadn't noticed so clearly in my prior times with Leslie, and these things will be useful.

Useful at least to me and my horses at home. I still wonder how to bridge the gap between 'normal' pressure and release horsemanship and what Leslie is presenting, release without pressure. I wonder because it is relatively very easy to teach people to handle with more subtle, gentle use of aids, but still on the pressure and release continuum. Taking this next step of teaching people how to really think like horses in terms of space, that remains something I wonder about.

I suppose that the more I fully incorporate it into what I'm doing with my horses, the easier it will be to pass it along. It is something I will explore, but with full understanding and support from 'my boss' at the therapeutic riding program because... well because it means asking each of our volunteers to not just shift their thinking and behavior habits, it means asking them to relinquish something that is quite familiar in order to have an opening to learn something quite unfamiliar in the horse world.

But it never means letting go of all one has learned before. It means adding something.

It is something I will continue to wonder about regarding those work roles, but I have no doubt I'll be using it more than ever before with my horses. I wish I had a webcam behind my eyes so I could share some of what I saw yesterday, and last year, and 3 years ago, and 9 years ago... It's a little humbling to admit this is nothing new, and admit how long and slow it's been for me to integrate something I value so highly! But there it is. Call me the tortoise, not the hare, when it comes to shifting well established patterns.

Quiet

2008-09-10T17:34:00.003-05:00

Quiet on the outside, quiet on the inside. Busy on the outside, sometimes quiet on the inside. That is my goal, to remain quiet on the inside regardless of what stirs around me.

Fall is here. Last week I noticed Kacee's coat is dark chestnut. Overnight she added some winter coat and shed some summer coat and she has that lovely dark shine again. Her coat changes all of a sudden like no other.

Teaching comes in blocks of seven or eight weeks of a 2 month period. So we just started the fall session which covers weeks in September and October. I am teaching more this fall as well as busy with more projects around finishing our new home.

I like the cooler weather. It is usually my favorite riding time. In my latest attempt to let my shoulder (and now hip, too) heal up well, I am avoiding some activities I most love: riding, dancing, walking around close to the therapeutic riding students while they ride.

Doing less is helping my body feel better, and quite a challenge for my mind. I've long been a person whose mind settles when the body is active. Conversely, well, you can imagine.

I get regular reports on Soli who is living with friends in Maine. They love him! He is so deserving of their attention -- that quite overrides any 'missing him' feelings that pop up. I have some trail and clinic rides coming up, and I may show up and ride without much preparation if I don't resume my mounted activities before then. I suspect riding would be less painful than ground work, but am not willing to test that theory yet.

So many great things on the horizon, so many low key life chores near by. A strange year. Unsettling owning two homes. Unsettling when I look to the political climate. Unsettling when I acknowledge I have no idea if and when I'll ever feel as carelessly mobile as I used to.

Then there is now with another breath. I have been spending more time meditating than in a long time. What else can one do when one cannot do many things?

Inspiring website to connect with: www.CharityFocus.org

Creativity, clarity, trust

2008-08-31T14:26:00.004-05:00

The more I think clearly and creatively,
the more I ride with clarity and creativity.

I said that.

I was conversing with someone about why I spend time writing. Writing brings clarity to my internal world. Writing about horse stuff brings clarity and definition (think: high definition TV) to my horse time. I am creative when I think, seeking to find patterns and associations between ideas and experiences, seeking to find an opening between the thoughts so a ray of light will illuminate something I've been pondering.

When I am clear but not creative, I can be dull. Exact, but dull.

I watched a DVD today called The Path of the Horse by Stormy May. Buy it, borrow it, go watch with a friend who owns it if you are someone who seeks to discover and enjoy the finer, more subtle aspects of relating with horses. I cried watching it. It stimulated some clarity about my work roles, especially regarding where my heart lies when I'm teaching people and teaching horses.

What a joke! Me teaching horses. I am the student.

Yes, I am expected to teach, and do teach, and bring the best of my patience and my support to human students so they can develop their confidence, creative problem solving, presence... I want independent thinking, sometimes much to the horror of parents who perceive impudence where I see assertiveness and individuality. I like to remind parents that when their child is an adult, the very qualities they dislike now will be the ones that bring them success. Think of the outspoken child who questions authority.

How about the horse who questions authority? Can we welcome that, too? Can we trust that a horse who expresses a strong opinion will also be a horse who wants to jump over a fence, stand still for mounting, accept hugs from a grieving owner?

I have many adventures waiting, assuming I can offer a degree of trust and willingness that might one day approach the trust and willingness our horses offer us.

Changes for Soli

2008-08-30T16:59:00.003-05:00

These are times of changes. Certainly eruptions and shifts deep within, and some milder changes without.

Yesterday I took our Haflinger, Soli, to live for a year or so in Maine with some friends who voiced the desire to learn to drive. RNB is not doing anything with Soli, I am not doing anything with Soli, and these folks would love to learn from him and with him. It was clear and simple and quick from the start of our conversations to my delivering him.

It was a mini-vacation for me as well. I slept about 10 hours last night in their guest room! I had little idea how tired I was.

Soli -- well, he'll be fine there. I gave my friends the puzzle of his buggy harness and they sorted it out and harnessed him up with few directions from me. I demonstrated ground driving him after he was hitched to the cart, then each of them took over the reins and one by one got into the cart and practiced in their ring. They were great. He is not a horseman, she is. Soli took them both in stride. I've never before seen this man wear a smile as wide as when he had the reins and was steering Soli through some cones.

This morning, we went out in twos (she and I, then she and he) for a drive up the road and back.

Soli is such a social horse. I never noticed as much as those hours there in Maine. I show up and he comes to be close. He offered almost as much eagerness to them as well.

They have two mares who were not very interested in Soli. I suspect that will change but pointed out how for now that can help Soli think well of what the humans have to offer -- not just hay and water and grooming, but companionship.

I'm grateful Soli did not whinny as I drove off. That would have tipped the tears out of my eyes...

Whose grief?

2008-08-19T06:57:00.000-05:00

Maybe it was not my grief that surrounded me. I just learned that the husband of a friend died suddenly this weekend. Regardless of whose loss, the feelings were strong and colored my waking hours. Poor dear friend.

Softness and tears

2008-08-17T08:35:00.002-05:00

Many months ago, I set my intention to be soft.

It seems lately, with softness come tears. Often. With little or no sense of 'why'. Some days my eyes are blurry with extra wetness all day long. Some days a bit of flooding with a sense of sorrow occurs. Some days I'm so busy I miss softness while focused on accomplishing something -- nothing wet those days.

Today is a wet day in my eyes, a soft day in my heart. Maybe more tears and softness come after a period of defensiveness. That would make sense. And in the presence of my horses, I let go of defenses, wanting to simply connect in a place where my mind is quiet, my heart is open.

Little upsets here and there in my life. Some major stresses as well, but nothing I can control so really, what can one do but focus on one foot stepping after the next. Or feeling the breeze enliven my skin when the feet (and the mind) stop. Or listening to the bells clanging as the sheep move about the closer field I've opened to them.

Grief keeps surprising me.

I am mortal. I am reminded through recent contact with a cancer survivor of this. Reviewing my own experience with diagnosis and treatment allows bubbles of memories to surface from the past. So many changes, inside and out, since that experience.

I miss my mother. The anniversary of her death was last week. More bubbles float outward from the depths of me.

My role is changing with the horse herd at the therapeutic riding program where I work. I suspect some of my sorrow and uncertainty is connected with that. We hired a horse herd coordinator who is skilled and thoughtful and doing a superb job managing all aspects of the herd's needs. This is all good, however my role as the fill-in trainer is over. I liked that role. But of all the responsibilities of the herd coordinator, that was really the only one I wanted, which kept me from applying for the job myself.

It is curious that I've been wandering around though my life for weeks now with these teary eyes. And feeling OK about not knowing what was behind all this. I still can't say with confidence "I know", but today I have hints.

A spiritual teacher once said, "Not knowing is most intimate." I puzzled for years about this, but I think I'm starting to understand his meaning.

I renew my commitment to softness. I trust one day softness will bring laughter and joy. Today it brings tears. I can accept what I do not understand. I can allow what I do not understand. Can I celebrate what I do not understand?

Adjusting plans

2008-07-27T11:37:00.002-05:00

Today I was finally going to ride to the local farm stand, about three miles down gravelly dirt roads. I rode Kacee yesterday, haven't ridden Rusty much at all, so figured I'd ride Soli, our dear been-there-done-that Haflinger.

But Soli is lame. I'm guessing he had an unplanned slide in the field. Weight bearing but gimpy, I brought him in, checked him over, groomed and trimmed him, and turned him out in the paddock behind the barn.

So now what?

Riza! Saddle!

I saddled her like yesterday, although I added a saddle pad. She was a teensy bit concerned but accepted it quickly. Horses learn by social modeling, by watching what other horses do. I had read this and then experienced it vividly when I taught the horses to stand their front feet on the platform RNB built. It took some time for the first horse to figure out what I wanted, and trust that is what I wanted, then the others who appeared to be grazing nearby, each stepped up on it the first or second try.

So when Riza was cautious about the saddle pad, I rubbed it on nearby Kacee then brought it back to Riza. Once she was fine with it, on her back, off her back, from both sides, I left it there and added the saddle. Another major ho-hum moment.

Time to add to this. I gathered halter and lead, some rhythm bells for the neck and for the ankle, and some reflective ankle cuffs with velcro closure and we headed for the round pen.

Walk and trot both direction with the saddle. Put ankle cuffs on her fronts. Walk and trot both directions. Removed the ankle cuffs and put rhythm bells on front foot. Walk and trot both directions. Moved the bells to a hind foot. Walk and trot both directions. Removed them and put the rhythm bells necklace on. Walk and trot one direction. Removed the bells and hooked her halter (which she hasn't been wearing all this time except for the initial journey to the round pen) to the saddle. Walk and trot both directions. Moved the halter to hang from the other side. Walk and trot both directions.

All this ho-hum stuff. Admittedly this filly has a gentle nature, moderately ready to submit within the herd, and has had little handling and most of that has been simple and understandable -- stand for trimming, stand for grooming, follow whoever carries the lead rope. I am certain that my efforts to add new elements to what I want her to learn in as careful increments as I can figure, is part of why this is all going so well. I thank Mark Rashid's influence for this. He talks about chains of knowledge, and he and his wife Crissi have advised me to work on one thing, then on another day, work on something else.

Overwhelm doesn't just come when a deer comes scooting across the trail. It comes when we ask a horse to learn too much too fast. Because I am in NO hurry these days, it suits me to proceed slowly, slowly through the lessons I want to instill in this little horse.

I suppose it helps that I've been teaching more lately, and especially teaching more therapeutic riding lessons. I am continuously seeking to introduce ideas in ways that the student has the best chance of learning. For some that means I might use 2-3 words and model an action, and wait. For some it means I hold the rider's hands and do the action for them, time after time after time, maybe for a few lessons, maybe for a half a year. And one day it clicks and they can do what I ask when they hear my request.

So I know a little about patience. That frame of mind is not always accessible, but I strive to have it be my way of life. It suits the horses, whom sometimes I describe as 3 or 4 year old children. Would we start yelling and slapping a three year old who didn't understand what we wanted? I sure hope not. (And having worked in child protective services early in my social work career, I know that some children that age do indeed get hurt due to the misunderstandings and frustrations of their caregivers. I am not naive about that.)

So I figure that as long as I bring my best to the barn, am present and focussed on helping Riza with learning what humans might want from her at a pace that makes sense to her, I have a good chance of ending up with a fun horse to ride. Fun to me means I'm on a horse who understands what I want us to do, and feels good about my requests and is somewhere between willing and eager to do things with me.

Another thing I'll attribute to Mark (though I know others of my teachers have offered me similar direction) is that sense of doing things together. Not me learning the nicest way to make my horse do something. Yes, that felt better than using less nice ways to make a horse do things. But actively cultivating that 'together' feeling, that's what I'm talking about. We're doing this together. If you aren't able or willing to do this with me right now, what can I do to help you change your mind, help you feel like connecting with me is a good idea?

I mention all this because when I was with Riza today, and we did all that walk and trot both directions, it wasn't always that simple. She has her mild ways of leaving me mentally, heading to sniff some manure, slowing near where the other horses are hanging out outside the round pen, changing direction when I haven't asked for that. But she is easy. I've kept things as clear and simple as I know how, and when I'm with her, this is reflected. I am thankful for this opportunity to experiment with a young horse drawing on the best of what I've learned.

I get along fabulously with my other horses when I treat them like I'm treating Riza. Each encounter is fresh. For each activity I'm asking, 'How well do you know how to do this that I'm asking? Some confusion? Ok, let's review this before we proceed.'

Now I will use the gas engine vehicle to go buy some fresh vegetables. I'm keen on putting up a variety of vegetables and berries for winter's use. This fall I'll freeze lots of local apples like I did last year. Nothing much more yummy than eating in March some baked apples freshly prepared and frozen in October. I'm hungry!

Here is the round pen with platform in the center.

Riza wears a saddle

2008-07-26T15:59:00.004-05:00

A first for today. Riza and a saddle.

Her preparation for this non-event has been lessons in leading, lunging/circling with one long line, ground driving with two lines, wearing a vaulting surcingle at the walk and trot. Not often for any of these. Like, once or twice. Well, the initial leading lessons were time consuming, until she got it.

I have some clear expectations of my space/boundaries when leading a horse. Riza had been led to expect (no pun intended) that people like her to be close, very, very close, and that she can make the decision to come close whenever it suits her.

For my sense of safety I have a different expectation. Horse may come close when I invite or allow. I may come close to horse when I want, and I will wait for permission to approach is given, unless it's an urgent situation then I break rules left and right.

After trimming and riding Kacee (recycling trip to town today), and trimming and grooming Rusty, I turned them out with Riza behind the barn. Hmm, a few extra minutes on my hands -- what can I do with Riza?

Saddle her!

I got out an older and inexpensive (hence I won't be upset if it gets trashed) close contact saddle -- lightweight for my shoulder's sake -- and brought it outside where the three horses were munching hay. I asked if I could approach, permission granted, and she sniffed the saddle. I lifted it over her back and set it there, still holding it. She walked off and I took a few steps with her as I lifted the saddle off her as she left.

She stopped, I approached again, and we did the same, except this time, holding the saddle, I let it slide off her rump as she left.

She stopped, I approached again, and she stood as I placed the saddle on her back briefly, then removed it and I walked off first. To the barn to get a girth.

Have I mentioned lately how accepting and calm this horse is?

Did I mention I intentionally chose to do this without a halter and lead? I wanted her to really know she could leave if she didn't want to do this with me today.

So I put the saddle on her again and she resumes eating hay while I go back and forth from side to side getting the girth set up. For a shorter horse, she has a deep chest and I first miscalculated, putting the girth up too high on the off side. Then I girthed it up, tightened it another hole, and walked off. In fact I came inside for about 10 minutes.

When I returned, with camera in hand, she was just as mellow as before, had moved to another spot for more hay munching, and stood calmly while I removed the saddle after taking pictures.

I usually start out with my western saddle but with my shoulder still hurting (interrupted the healing while stacking hay last week), I decided to build her confidence in the saddling process with a light weight saddle. Eventually she'll carry the weight and bulk and dangling stuff, but not until I am certain she will accept it like she accepted the english saddle today.

Anyway -- ho-hum -- here is Riza wearing a saddle for the first time.

I've been "tagged"

2008-07-23T09:42:00.000-05:00

Nor'dzin who blogs at ceffylau.blogspot.com has tagged me. I accept the tag (though a good old fashioned game of chase tag would suit me just fine!) and will share six things about myself that you may not know.

1. The first time I tried downhill skiing I sprained my knee and was carried to the first aid shack in the arms of my MD father. I was seven and mad that he didn't wait for the ski patrol to come fetch me with their toboggan. Perhaps I was really mad because my childhood dream of becoming a Radio City Rockette was threatened by this injury. In fact, the real threat had already come when we moved to a small town whose only dance teacher broke both legs in a car accident.

2. I was a devout rebel starting in my early teens. Anything I was told not to do by my parents, I made sure I did. The biggest offenses (aka adventures) were after they said "I forbid you to hitchhike there," and "Motorcycles are dangerous, you can't ride one." My most exciting hitchhiking was a trip from London to Athens. The hitchhiking trip I used to brag most about was from New York to Portland, Oregon -- bragging about starting the trip with $5 in my pocket and arriving in Portland with $20. I learned that every trucker I met was kind, generous, and protective. [Disclaimer: I no longer recommend hitch hiking!]

3. I have sung in public both as back up singer for a singer-songwriter friend, and as one of a six-woman acappella group. I stopped because the performance anxiety was greater than the joy of singing. I am certain that in an alternate life, I was/would be/am a rock and roll star.

4. I had a breast cancer experience twelve years ago. I spent the first five weeks after diagnosis pretty much in bed, reading, writing, drawing, wailing, talking on the phone, dealing with the "C" word. After surgeries were done and chemotherapy commenced, I realized I was going to survive. In an effort to invest in my future, I took scuba diving lessons and went on a scuba diving vacation, for which I had to rearrange my scheduled chemo. My oncologist supported my assertiveness. For radiation, I created my own "johnny" out of flannel covered with images of cats. I later passed this along to another woman in treatment for breast cancer, who later passed it to another woman... Some days I wonder, 'Who has it now?'

5. My favorite stores are hardware stores and stationery stores. I own and operate many power tools, and RNB has introduced me to heavy equipment. Most recently I have learned to operate a crane that suspends a custom cage for holding humans. Why would I do this? So RNB and a couple of helpers can install the ridge vents on a very large building on our new property. We will also use the crane to reconstruct an old post and beam barn that we dismantled and moved last year.

6. My favorite winter activity? Soaking in a hot tub, outdoors, regardless of the weather. Picture a wool cap in a misty cloud, dripping with melting snowflakes.

I will 'tag' some other bloggers, mostly for the purpose of helping new readers browse places I have enjoyed.

Michelle's Musings from the Bottom of Chestnut Hill

Walter's Sugar Mountain Farm

Susanna's The Bloggery

The ultimate irony of me and milkweed

2008-07-20T19:05:00.002-05:00

Guess what?

I must have harvested a winter's worth of vegetables, and tossed them over the fence to rot.

Yup, you guessed it -- milkweed is edible.

What is edible about the common milkweed? Just about everything. The seed heads before they flower. The leaves. The seed pods before they dry up and open their gifts to the wind.

And the silky fibrous seed-bearing pod innards can be used for insulation, reportedly have a higher R-factor than goose down.

The joke is on me. However my many hours uprooting milkweed was well spent, deeply engrossed as I was, in the finer aspects of body awareness.

Thanks to google.com for connecting me with the these amazing details about edible milkweed. Now to peruse those edible weeds websites in search of additional delectable surprises.

Note: Before you go out and indiscriminately harvest the milkweed in your field, check locally to see if it's the edible sort. Not all of the milkweed family are edible.

Soli, by request

2008-07-19T07:51:00.004-05:00

"Twinville", a reader who found my blogs via the Teachings of the Horse blog, would like to see more pictures of Soli, whose wide and powerful hindquarters are featured in my entry about being practical, the day I hitched him to pull the chain drag around the arena and groom the ground.

So here are some more pictures of our steady-eddy, been-there-done-that 22 year old Haflinger.

Two (?) summers ago, napping near a run in with four other equines.

Last winter, eating with the geese.

This year, standing quietly (not that he stands any other way!) after dragging the arena.

James Shaw and Milkweed

2008-07-15T10:47:00.002-05:00

I spent the weekend in Massachusetts with my beloved Morgan mare, Fairlane Kacee, at a clinic with James Shaw who teaches Tai Chi for Equestrians. Fabulous. Fantastic. Changes in my body from two days of exercises on the ground and exercises in the saddle. I highly recommend him to everyone as I have yet to meet anyone whose strength and balance cannot be improved.

His website: http://www.shawtaichi.com

I was surprised by some of my imbalances.

I have been in the hay field again, finding new ways to pull milkweed with ever more ease and flow, incorporating ideas and experiences from the clinic with what I have learned from Aikido class and what I learn from living in my body.

Some lessons from this morning:

I found that I tended to grasp a plant, rotate my wrist to twist the plant, then sink back, bracing as I pulled using my weight rocked back.

Two hands cradling the stalk softly takes less effort than grabbing and pulling and is often more successful. New awareness about hands on reins: the different feels of grabbing versus grasping versus cradling.

Rotation during the uprooting adds to ease. Not just rotating my wrist after grasping the plant. Rotating my humorous bones, rotating my femurs, and rotating my lower back as I spiraled out, the plant coming with me.

The displaced bees accepted my suggestion to find nectar elsewhere in the field where I would not disturb them.

Milkweed growing in dry areas is harder to uproot.

My right side learns better biomechanics while working together with my left side.

My right shoulder doesn't hurt when I engage my back muscles for pulling, the muscles that hold the scapula and upper arm back, the ones that rotate the humorous.

If I never stopped to think about what I was doing, I would uproot milkweed with my left hand 90% of the time.

A plant uproots with greater ease when I am positioned so it is close to my center.

Having a learning focus made a rewarding adventure out of an otherwise tedious chore.

Lessons from the milkweed

2008-07-11T11:02:00.002-05:00

I have been hand picking milkweed plants from the hay field because I don't want them cut and baled in the hay, I have some new awareness thanks to the milkweed.

Milkweed flowers attract bees.

Milkweed flowers produce a sweet alluring fragrance.

Each milkweed plant is unique.

The pulling up of each milkweed plant requires me to adjust the hold and angle, twist and pressure in order to smoothly remove the milkweed rather than break the stem.

Despite my best efforts, careful positioning and use of breath, core energy, and intention, some milkweed plants resist uprooting more than others.

Milk of plants and animals is sticky when drying on my skin.

Milkweed leaves are a courting or mating venue for some small bright, matte-finish red (not shiny red) beetles.

My left hand has a stronger grasp than my right hand.

My right hand is equally effective when grasping and pulling milkweed when I lower my center and move from my center rather than move my hand and arm as I'm uprooting each plant.

Although I first found tremendous ease when creating a triangle of my two feet and grasping hand, I later found it didn't matter which foot was forward.

A very, very few milkweed leaves have been eaten by something in the field.

Milkweed tend to grow in bunches in certain areas of the field, and not at all in other areas.

I am not compulsive about removing every single milkweed from the field.

The guineas are on bug and tick patrol in the field despite the height of the grasses growing there, more easily heard than seen.

I can remove the milkweed plants only one at a time.

There is always another milkweed plant to be pulled up.

Getting quiet internally and feeling gratitude for these plants does not guarantee they will yield to my efforts any more than when I pull unconsciously.

Got lemons? Make lemonade!

2008-07-08T15:50:00.004-05:00

Today quickly turned into one of those too hot to do anything days. Bleh. And I'd hoped it would stay cool enough this morning for a ride.

So, after a brief lull in the creative thinking department, I had an idea. Let's see how each of the horses responds to the hose, and hopefully I'll get wet while doing this.

Great fun, and what a way to make these wicked hot, humid days bearable! Rusty was the first to get me wet as he mouthed the end of the hose and sent the spray every which way. Thank you, Snorkle Boy! (He earned that nickname the first time I convinced him walking into a wide, low stream was safe. He spent five minutes with his nose under water, blowing bubbles and seeking nibbles on the green stuff waving in the current.)

The next to get me wet was Soli -- similar antics with the water coming out of the hose. And then Riza, with her first time being hosed, had some similar effect through her curiosity, exploring this strange thing I was holding. Two other horses were not interested in mouthing the hose. The sixth horse was busy munching hay on the far side of the paddocks so never did get a hosing.

I think I'll go do this again. At least for my sake. Very pleasant to get wet then spend a few hours in the cool of the downstairs. I know it's still early summer when the downstairs is still cool.

Shoulders

2008-07-01T13:37:00.005-05:00

I fall in with my right shoulder. Kacee falls in with her right shoulder. Which is easier to fix?

After many many rides where I'm focussed on placing her front feet out on the circle when we travel to the left and she's 'falling in', I realized she's just trying her best to go with me.

Today I fixed my shoulders on the circle and guess what happened! She maintained the circle much better.

Now if I could fix my hips going to the left that easily, I'd be a happy camper. I bet I can, I just haven't figured out how yet.

Stinging Nettle

2008-07-01T13:07:00.006-05:00

This could be on my farm blog, as I came upon stinging nettle this morning while on a mission to clip back the thistle plants before they go to seed. However, I choose to write about it here, and hope the reason will be obvious.

Despite wearing gloves and using long handled clippers, some stinging nettle brushed my wrist. Oh darn! As I recall, the stinging feeling lasts for a few days followed by a period of numbness, then a return to normal. All for a moment of carelessness.

Then I remembered that where poison ivy grows, also grows the remedy for poison: jewel weed. So perhaps intertwined with the stinging nettle is a remedy? I quickly found a broad leafed plant, picked a few leaves and schmooshed them so their juices were available, and rubbed them on my wrist.

Stinging stopped. Stinging gone. No more stinging. No need to beat myself up as I looked ahead to days of suffering.

Nature is truly amazing.

OK, so why stinging nettle and remedy on this blog? Good question! I was about to write out a slew of ideas in response to this, but instead, I will leave a question for anyone's pondering...

Can you think of places in your life -- aside from the world of vegetation -- where the remedy essentially comes hand in hand with the stinging nettles?

Once again

2008-06-29T09:33:00.002-05:00

I took the recycling by horseback Saturday morning.

Here is Kacee packed up and ready to go.

Here we are at the town recycling.

I think I will purchase a set of bright neon green (high visibility color) bags with some meaningful logo for these trips to town. I'm not sure whether I want to display the traditional recycling logo or a business logo. Maybe both!

The trip to town, downhill, and more or less not the most favorite thing Kacee wanted to do, lasted about 1 hour 10 minutes.

The trip home, uphill with lots of places to trot and canter, and heading home which meant more energy (urgency?!) and straightness, lasted about 35 minutes.

I really enjoyed being off the main road for 1/3 of the ride, the worst third -- the most windy, curvy, steep part of the road. Instead we had fields and woods and even a steep but gorgeous trail by a waterfall!

I was aware leaving home that Kacee was not fully with me and due to weather and time concerns, I kept my focus on "I decide speed and direction" and carried on. We are far enough along that this worked. Interesting to note how frequently she had these "but I think there's something scary over there" moments on the way to town, and barely a look around on the way home.

I suspect her survival instinct was close to the surface as I asked her to leave 'home', and in all honesty, she was not believing me to be 100% her trusty guide and safe companion. But it was so much better than a few years ago, even a few months ago, and it pleases me tremendously that I can ask pretty much anything of her and she'll say 'yes'. And yesterday was much softer in general between us. Although she has not been acutely and obviously sensitive to my visualizing like Rusty is, I did that quite a bit to help us along. "Here is my focus for us, can you join me now?"

And as ever, I was noticing new things about my posture, especially that unless I paid close attention when I was 'straightening' Kacee -- asking her to let go of a thought off to the right for example -- my torso was twisted to the left, bringing my right shoulder forward and my right hand over her withers. What I did to change that was lengthen my torso upwards and bring a sense of radiant presence into that left part of my torso where I was collapsing. I often wonder about the energy of my left side as that is where I have had a variety of 'degenerative disease' processes show up.

Until further notice, I will assume that a key to my health is intentionally bringing/allowing light and life energy to flow in this area of my body. Time will tell!

Visualizing

2008-06-26T20:53:00.002-05:00

I had fun today riding Rusty. It was my second ride since last fall. I realized when I decided to ride him that it was due to how much better my shoulder is feeling. Not 100% but close enough I am unconcerned about the consequences should I indulge in some moments of spacing out while riding Rusty. We do best when I'm paying attention in the 95th percentile or better.

After ground work of breathing, walking, trotting, and halting together, both directions, I bridled him, pleased with his readiness and helpfulness in taking the bit. Mounting was another event of presence and synchronicity.

I was conscious of softness from my core connecting with Rusty's core, and we were together for most of what we did at the walk. He had some ideas pulling him toward the arena gate but let go of this thoughts pretty easily. I kept breathing and focussed on where we were going.

Then a visualization shared on a yahoo list I read came to mind and I incorporated it in the rest of our riding time. Picture one of those cone shaped things that we put on dogs who need to be prevented from chewing on a leg bandage... Picture a cone of light coming out from me and my horse, a cone whose light shines where we are going, whose light defines where we are going. Like headlights whose direction, width, distance of projection are all in my control.

Rusty amazed me with how he responded to this! He was right there with me, and admittedly, I was right there with him. Even when we halted and I opened the cone of light behind us, he knew and was ready to flow backwards.

I added my counting for transitions of walk to trot, trot to walk, walk to halt, trot to canter, canter to trot. 1234, 1234, 12, 12, 123, 123, 123, 12, 12, 12, 1234, 1234, 1, pause... 1234, etc. We were together for this. I'd been doing this with Kacee, and there has been a lag time with Kacee and I. I count and sooner or later, sometimes with the need for reins or seat and legs, we come to be moving together at the changed gait.

With Rusty, I changed my count and he change his gait.

I was brave and did this more than once. Brave because I had the fleeting thought that this was a fluke and if I ask again, it won't happen. But it did happen and perhaps because it wasn't about me asking and him doing. It was about him being so open and available that my intention was his direction.

Now I can hold this in my cells and memory and welcome it when it shows up with Kacee, with Sofia, with anyone I am fortunate to be riding.

I think I'm more blown away as I think back on our ride, than when it was happening. At that time, it simply was what was. I was ready to be living my dream, no editing interruptions.

May the flow be with you.

More practice being practical

2008-06-18T21:02:00.004-05:00

Today I asked our Haflinger, Soli, to help out with some chores. We have had him pull a cart, even a sleigh, based on the information from his former owner that before being ridden by her for 6-7 years, he was a driving pony with years of showing under his belt.

Our tractor is in the shop, and for the most part it lives and works at our new place anyway. But here where we still live, it was time to drag the arena.

Soli and I had a job to do today! And we did it. Quite nicely, too. No gas cost, no tractor noise or emissions. Good exercise for both horse and human, and my personal effort to Live Green in the Green Mountain state.

(It looks like I'm walking right where the drag is, but I'm well off to the side of it, very cautious about safety around horses and equipment.)

Trail Ride with a Purpose

2008-06-14T14:31:00.003-05:00

Conflicting items on my to-do list this morning, until I had a bright idea.

Ride to town to do the recycling and mail some letters.

Town is a little over three miles away, and the road from here to there is windy, paved, and likely to have a fair amount of traffic.

I figured if I attend to me-and-my-horse, and my karma is good enough, we would succeed.

And we did.

I only wish I had toted my camera so someone could have taken our picture there at the recycling center!

Before we left, I spent some time in the round pen with Kacee to see if we could progress some more with our getting together before heading out. Kacee will do most anything I ask, however I have discovered that she doesn't always feel really OK about things I ask. Time in the round pen asking her to connect with me at the walk and stop and walk and trot is enlightening. As we indeed made more progress today, I went ahead with my ambitious adventure.

Our ride was actually better on the way to town than on the way home. Perhaps she was listening to me as we headed to some unknown destination, and on the way home she was certain where we were going and eager to get there sooner than I planned.

We had a nice side trip through the property -- woods and fields -- of some folks we know, and I now have an open invite to ride through their property whenever I like. That saved about 3/4 mile of road travel, and added some lovely time along the edge of some hay fields that I never knew were there.

We surprised a turkey hen on her nest, and we caused a porcupine to climb up a tree. Many, many drivers slowed way down which I greatly appreciated.

I entertained a fantasy of offering local recycling trips each week, perhaps enlisting our driving pony and doing the trip with him!

I had about 2 1/2 hours of practicing 'speed, direction, and destination' with Kacee today. She got a hosing down and some lawn time after we got home. Then I had did my duty with the 89 bales of hay delivered this morning, carrying them one by one from the trailer and stacking them in the barn. Lovely hay -- I'd forgotten the smell of freshly baled hay! This should cover us until our hay field gets cut.

I am fatigued in a most satisfying way.

My BS meditation

2008-06-12T08:33:00.003-05:00

Painting more garage doors yesterday, I found myself focusing on BS for the afternoon.

Me? Focusing on BS?

Yup, me focusing on BS.

Breathe. Shoulders.

Breathe. Shoulders.

Breathe. Shoulders.

I breathe whether I think about it or not. However the focus on breathing, where the breath comes in my body, the depth, the pace -- the cadence and rhythm (!) -- of my breathing are important, and something I can control and attend.

My shoulders are here as part of my body regardless of what I do. However depending on where my mind is, their position changes. With my injury still healing, the position of my shoulders is important, and is often a matter of more pain, less pain, or no pain. With a delay in the pain factor (between position and resulting sensation), I want to develop a lasting habit of keeping my structure in proper place to replace my current habit of mind slips, shoulders rise.

I don't mind writing about this type of BS.

Cadence, rhythm, and harmony

2008-06-08T15:00:00.000-05:00

My Oxford American Dictionary says cadence (first definition) is rhythm in sound. It says rhythm (second definition) is a movement with a regular succession of strong and weak elements. It says harmony (fourth definition) is agreement.

Today during the homeward section of my ride on Kacee, we practiced cadence, rhythm, and harmony, concordance. (I like the word concordance. Maybe because it incorporates 'dance'.)

Practicing cadence, rhythm, and harmony in the saddle stems from what I have started doing during our groundwork time, gleaned from Mark Rashid's work with my Sofia recently. In groundwork, I'm practicing setting the pace, the energy level, the direction, how it feels, all that good stuff. The cadence, rhythm, and harmony.

Directing the cadence from the saddle. I like the dictionary's references to music (definitions other than already referenced) -- for cadence, rhythm, and harmony. In fact I was verbalizing our cadence for the twenty minutes it took to get home. A rhythmic song whose repeating refrain was One Two Three Four One Two Three Four. I was a bit surprised how hard it was for me to keep the rhythm when Kacee wanted to listen to the beat of her own drummer, and how hard it was Kacee to follow my determinations. I really should not be surprised -- I have been telling her for years as long as she walks when I ask her to walk on our way back to the barn, she can walk as fast as she likes.

So I'm changing the rules and I was intent on helping her find out what this new thing was that I was asking of her. She found it.

Meanwhile what a great meditative chant I had going. I had to really focus on keeping the rhythm I set! It comes so easy for me to fall into synchronization with someone else. Not useful though when it comes to riding. It's part of the gentle leadership role as I understand it. I prefer the feel of a ride on a horse who is understanding what I want and willing to let go of her thoughts, trusting me to guide us both through the environment step by step, breath by breath. We found moments of this today despite the newness I introduced.

Edges

2008-06-08T09:37:00.002-05:00

I attended the annual Horses and Healing Conference recently (equine facilitated mental health orientation) at Horse Power in Temple, New Hampshire. Toward the end we were asked to find something that represents our heart's desire which we would use as part of a closing exercise.

I looked for a small pebble, remembering Mark Rashid's sharing what he carries in his pocket as a reminder (for 'gratitude' as I recall). I found a small piece of granite that had some smooth sides and some edges and thought this is good, it represents who I am, some smooth sides, some edges...

Then I got thinking about my heart's desire, and started looking for another pebble. I realized I wanted something that represents the smooth sides and the smoothed edges, as that is what I want to focus on, that is what I want to practice, that is what I want -- an increasingly smooth 'me' with fewer and fewer edges. Like the image I got from Mark talking about learning and refinement -- starting with a block of wood, then if you cut across all the corners to remove them, you have a block of wood with many more, but smaller edges and corners. Cut across all those corners and again you are left with more but smaller corners with less acutely angled edges. What I would call softer edges.

So I have this small pebble in my pocket and when I touch it, I think of softness and when my fingers come over the edged parts of the pebble, I feel the softness of the edges and rub some, bringing my intention for softness to the front of my consciousness while actually bringing more softness to the edges of the pebble.

Heat motivates

2008-06-08T08:45:00.002-05:00

Sounds weird, doesn't it? To say that heat motivates. Especially this time of year where the heat and humidity confirm the onset of summer in New England.

But in fact it does motivate me. To get organized and prioritize my day according to the temperature.

Cooler in the morning, so I will go do outside activities with the horses in the morning. Warmer/warmer/hotter during the midday into the afternoon, so I will stay inside and do paperwork, rest, put up the excess asparagus and rhubarb that waits my attention.

Nothing like having rhubarb in the freezer for a freshly baked rhubarb something come the chilly days of next winter!

Perhaps living in India for three years affected how I respond to hot and humid weather. There were seasons when nothing ever dried -- not the washed clothes, not the towels, not the hair. I had a choice, yes. I could have moved. But instead I acclimated (in the true sense of the word!), continued with the multiple-showers-per-day approach to having some sense of clean and fresh, and learned to sip hot tea on a hot day, move slowly, rest in the hottest parts of the day, and enjoy the cooler times regardless of what a clock-based schedule might steer a person to do.

More locally, I recall some years back having plans to attend clinics at Piper Ridge Farm in May, July, September, October. Each of those 3-5 day clinics coincided with 90+ degree weather that year. What did I learn? When I'm focussed on doing something I enjoy (all together now: HORSES!) I don't notice the temperature.

I must mention here my cooling tools!

For years I kept a wet cotton handkerchief tied around my neck. Evaporation cools.

Last year after watching a colleague sport and rave about her cooling vest, I purchased some cooling body wear from CoolMedics.com. I did not use kerchief or Cool Medics products when I lived in India. I did have the option of finding shade and resting during the day. Teaching now where currently we have no access to sheltered arena during these warmer months, cooling tools have been essential. Before I got the Cool Medics vest, I simply poured a liter of water over my head, shirt sleeves, and pants legs, about twice an hour. I may look weird, but comfort has always been my priority.

Encouraging motor skill activity in the young riders as they use water squirters helps in the lessons, too. Adds an aspect of fun for the riders -- how often do they find a target who begs to be squirted?

Full coverage of skin by clothing is important -- I learned that in India, too, along with the drinking warm in the hot season which apparently stimulates the body to cool itself. In any case, for sun protection and moisture conservation, I wear long sleeves all the time. Add the Cool Medics vest to the long sleeves, long pants appearance and imagine the strange looks I get!

Another remembrance from India -- their air cooling systems were open-weave coconut fiber pads that covered the windows and dampened. Again, the evaporation process created the cooler air. Now that's an energy saving approach -- very little heat generated in the process of cooling the environment!

(Check their website for products to cool the horses as well as humans.)

Lost and found

2008-05-31T19:50:00.000-05:00

I am so pleased!

Mark Rashid helped me find a soft place when bridling Sofia. Well, he mostly helped Sofia find a soft place when either of us bridled her. That is the found part -- Found Part, Part 1.

I didn't totally lose what we gained, but it sure got iffy once I got home. A few steps backward compared to bridling during the clinic. That is the Lost Part. I was able to bridle her but it wasn't getting better. Which is better than getting worse, but not as good as getting better.

Ponder, ponder, ponder.

Much more attention and effort on my part regarding me staying soft and me finding within what I can do today, how to stay connected with Sofia and soft even when she was saying 'no, I don't think so' in response to my presentation.

I got quiet. And from that quiet place came creativity to meet our needs. Of course I cannot bridle a horse like Mark does. Of course I cannot help Sofia the way Mark does. But I can draw on that still place inside from whence come all answers. I stayed still and kept finding answers that helped us get better together with the bridling thing. That is the really important found part -- Found Part, Part 2.

I am so pleased!

Remembering

2008-05-30T08:00:00.000-05:00

My waking moments during the night were spent on two topics: 1) upcoming presentation on Treatment Planning for Our Therapy Horses and 2) what was happening with Sofia and I yesterday.

At some point I remembered something of vital importance to my progress with Sofia.

Mark Rashid told us to start with what we want. He uses a 0-10 scale to help us think along a continuum to describe the pressure and energy of what we do. So if we want to be backing a horse with a 0.5-1.0, then that is what we use to request a back up. If the horse doesn't back with that, we do not increase what we are using, but instead bring additional energy some other way.

Yesterday my focus was so much on remaining calm inside myself even if I had to use bigger movements at times to direct a horse, I forgot about the 'start with what you want' message. I was successful with remaining calm, focussed, breathing yesterday but ended the day feeling like I was missing something. I was.

So this morning after feeding hay, I haltered up two of the horses I worked with yesterday and experimented to see if I could get a nice flowing back up without increasing the pressure I was using. I could. I'm very grateful for this. Instead of increasing pressure to get movement, I kept in mind the softness I want, sent that thought out through my hand on the lead rope, and added energy through change of posture and moving my outside hand. All the time I was feeling for the change in thought in the horse, feeling for that opening when they shifted from 'I'm standing here regardless' to 'ah, moving back with you is easy, here we go'.

I'm off teaching today so that is it for my hands on with our horses here at home. I will make a quick walk around the pasture perimeter fencing to see if any posts need replacing. Soon I want to start turning some horses out on grass. I look forward to seeing how the fields respond to the predicted rainfall this weekend. Not "showers", but actual rainfall!

Help with the feel through the reins

2008-05-30T05:40:00.005-05:00

Mark Rashid helps any of us with anything we ask for, assuming his assessment is that we (horse and human) are ready for that lesson, that at least some of our foundation pieces are in place.

I've watched him do hands-on demos with the reins to help people develop better hands. I asked him to do this with me.

This picture is when he was helping me feel the difference between the outer part of the reins and the inner part.

Never knew there is an outer and inner part to our reins? Me neither. But I learned there can be. I felt the difference when Mark was on the reins and I was in the role of the horse, then I asked to try it so he could give me feedback if I was able to communicate to him what I could feel him communicating to me. It took a couple of tries, then I could send a message offering softness through the reins without releasing the amount of pressure.

He helped me with the visualization of the reins like a hollow pipe, with the outer part stiff and the inner part fluid. Through the inner fluid part we can send our intention. And to send that message from my core. And keep breathing.

What is amazing about this is that when I was in the role of the horse, I could feel the pressure of the contact, then even though his hand position did not change at all, it felt like I was melting into the contact, that the pressure had changed. But I watched while we did this (with me and at other times with other riders) and there is no discernible change!

Merry Go Round Pen

2008-05-30T05:00:00.001-05:00

I will put in a little plug for the wonderful folks who host Mark in Campton, New Hampshire. Tim and Trudy. In the picture of Mark helping me with the reins, we are in one of their Merry Go Round Pens. They are sturdy, attractive covered round pen structures.

Check out their website: http://www.merrygoroundpens.com

A big thank you to both for your generosity and warmth!

Fresh from a clinic

2008-05-25T09:23:00.005-05:00

I took Sofia with me to the clinic with Mark Rashid, and am glad I put my courage ahead of my emotions. We both got some wonderful help.

I had had a limited image of what Sofia has to offer, both in terms of readiness to follow my lead, and in terms of life and motion she is ready to offer as well. She is much more than the big drafty looking gal who seems to prefer a full halt to any other activity level.

Today I rest, re-organize, work, and play, and tomorrow I return for three days of auditing. When I get my clinic notes typed into my clinic notes blog, I will announce it here.

For now, I share this:

Speed, direction, and destination.

We need to provide direction for those three things all the time. When we do not, the horse will make a decision about any one, two, or three of those, and things won't turn out as we want. Mark has talked before about 'be the magic, don't wait for the magic to happen' and this feels like some details along that same message.

Speed, direction, and destination.

I had the good fortune to watch him clarify these in action with my Sofia loose in the round pen. Sofia got feeling better and better as she understood what Mark wanted, and as she relinquished her ideas that she was making the decisions and softened into the energy of clarity and connectedness with Mark. Then I tried it myself and we easily reached the place of being connected throughout the process while I determined our speed, direction, and destination.

Each day brought great changes, as much in how I think (and hence present things) as in what we did together. The "doing together" was the evidence of the changes, and very satisfying. Even as small a thing as approaching her with the thought 'this will be easy' rather than 'I'm not sure I can do this' make a huge impact. Huge!

Creating what I want

2008-05-15T12:17:00.005-05:00

This is such a broad topic!

It comes on the heels of a lesson I just co-taught with friend/colleague RW. The student is a delightfully open and ready adult who deals with great love of her horse and great fear of him. Neither horse nor human confidently knows how to behave around the other. We are grateful to be involved with these two, helping them create what they want.

What do most of us want? Safety, clarity about how we stand with others, opportunities to enjoy ourselves, choices, a sense of belonging to and contributing to a greater community, a sense of OK being here wherever that 'here' is.

Some detail of what I want includes just what I was doing today: helping two beings get along better, each in their own skin as well as with each other.

And that is my overriding desire with all that I do with horses and other animals. Wanting to influence in helpful ways so that those beings feel better about the situations in their lives. Not resigned aka feel better, but embracingly feel better. Feel better from a place of understanding and choice.

Choice -- that is so crucial! I am grateful to live in a place and time where many choices are indeed permitted the individual. It has not always been this way.

I think about building a feel good place within a relationship. Not a 'here's a cookie' feel good place. A place that resonates with calm presence deep in every cell. A place I nourish in meditation. A place I have heard called 'softness'.

That feel good place becomes the beckoning harbor light. It becomes trusted and sought. It is missed when one is drawn away with other concerns. It is welcoming any time we slow and find it again.

If I offer that to my students, they may have the basis from where to accomplish anything. What anyone choses to do is personal and there are as many paths through life as there are individuals. But how we do those things, that is what interests me. And I assume that every living being wants the same things -- to survive and to thrive. So that is where we can start, and at any moment.

My regular students know me well. They joke about one of my habits: asking "what do you want?" -- just before they tell what they want! How could I possibly pretend to help someone who has not communicated -- in some fashion -- that they want something and what they want?

Well, I could assume to know and carry on based on my assumptions, but that approach doesn't suit me. I want to enhance your dreams, not mine. Well, truthfully? Enhancing your dreams enhances mine. One of those win-win situations. Which reflects my spiritual nature -- we are all connected and whatever anyone of us does to benefit the deeper Self of 'me' or 'you', of 'us' or 'them', that benefits us all.

Success through softness

2008-05-11T21:39:00.002-05:00

I started out the day cranky. I had made a commitment to paint the garage door panels and hence turned down an invitation to ride with a friend who lives about two miles from home.

So there I was dutifully preparing to paint, aware of my busy mind and reluctance to be doing what I was doing. From somewhere came the memory of Mark Rashid saying "you get good at what you practice."

Along with that phrase came other memories, primarily those with a focus on developing softness whatever you are doing. There I was, painting and remembering softness. What a divine opportunity! So I wasn't with my horses on a sunny afternoon, but I was working on the most important things I can ever bring to my horses -- softness, presence, awareness.

The time passed quickly and easily. I tested my balance and strength by painting while standing on one foot, switching feet every minute or so. I did all I could then shifted gears as the paint needed to dry.

Off to the horses and a long trail ride "alone" with my Morgan mare, Kacee, after a brief deliberation about which horse to ride and where.

I had been fantasizing about taking Kacee to the upcoming clinic with Mark. Imagining asking Mark for help to get me from where I am with her, to where I want to be, which is: go out for a trail ride whenever I want to. Several things seemed to have come together for me today. First the practice of softness, then whatever it was that got me ready to just go do it -- just go ride the trail with Kacee!

I have been practicing breathing consciously while I groom, and then again in the ring, breathing long and slow and deliberately while trotting, trotting, trotting. It carried into my trail ride. Perhaps that is the foundation of my success today, side by side with softness. I breathed. I focussed. I directed Kacee and I kept experimenting with how to direct her so that she was comfortable accepting my direction.

I came home and told RNB: I'm so proud of myself!

On some level it seems like such a small thing -- to go for a trail ride on my Kacee. Ha! Nothing small about that at all! But maybe in a week or two, all history of dramatic trail rides will dissolve into a pleasant present.

So who will I take to the clinic now that I already succeeded with my trail riding goal for Kacee???

Critical terminology

2008-05-11T07:22:00.002-05:00

Way too often for my liking I find myself saying things like "I'm not focused or disciplined enough".

Yikes.

If I step back a step, even right now I am criticizing myself for being critical.

Yikes.

I do get critical in my thoughts when I compare myself. It can be a comparison to others and what they are accomplishing. It can be a comparison to myself and my plans, my ideals. In either case, I fall short -- my assessment leaves me 'less than' something or someone else. Then phlopp -- I come down on myself with these critical phrases, with a discouraging attitude.

What is my truth is something different from how I think and express at times. My truth is about being present, aware, responsive, creative... These are qualities I value and have pursued improving for decades. They do not fit smoothly with the paradigm that judges discipline and completing tasks and reaching goals.

In fact I do complete tasks and reach goals, but not consistently in a way that is visible such as keeping a list and checking off items as I complete them.

I consistently complete tasks of connecting with each of our horses. (Connecting and completing a task -- sounds almost oxymoron-ish.) I regularly move ahead with my goals around clarity and honoring the choices of my horses and finding ways to communicate with more and more subtlety and understanding, less and less pressure of any sort.

So I need a little brain wash!

I can use water at a comfortable degree of warmth so my inner self feels soothed and relaxed and open to this cleansing.

I can add a bit of organic soap, lightly scented with Breath of Horse to support my feeling surrounded by loved ones, safe and whole as I prepare to say good bye to old familiar ways.

I will rub gently, inviting the old ways to loosen and let go.

I will rinse with sparkling spring water, and rinse some more, allowing the cool flow to carry away whatever is loosened, whatever I am ready to release.

That done, I will breathe deeply -- head high, heart confident, eyes open and receptive -- and walk out into whatever comes next.

That is my strength -- going with the flow, directing the energy that presents itself, guiding toward a pleasing togetherness.

I am ready to embrace who I am, to let slide those descriptors that do not suit me. I need not fear -- they are there should I choose another time to use them again.

First spring ride on Rusty

2008-05-07T20:54:00.002-05:00

I did it. I rode Rusty today. It went fine.

It went fine because I did my homework. I have done some ground work with him now and then over the past few weeks, and today I was ready to saddle him in case everything went well, leading me to choose to ride.

He listened well enough, bridled well enough, connected with me well enough that I felt safe to mount.

If I were not still cautious with my Aikido-injured shoulder, I might not take all the precautions I did. But I am. Although I can do most things normally and without pain, there are a few weight-bearing moves that hurt, and I have absolutely zero interest in aggravating that injury or adding new injury. So the formerly fearless rider proceeds with one ear to her fear, and one ear to her thoughtful horsemanship abilities.

Good idea at that!

So, building on small steps of progress, I mounted and rode some circles at the walk, halted, backed, and dismounted. More ground work, more attunement, more unbridling and bridling, and another mount and ride. Bigger circles, checking in on Rusty's responsiveness, breathing, breathing, breathing, and dismounting.

I'm done. Ending on a good note. No, I'm not done. I open the arena gate and mount again, and ride him back to the barn.

Then I'm done. Short and sweet. I'll build on that.

I am learning once again the value of doing little things day after day to build some good understanding. I'm glad I rode Rusty. It's been close to six months. He's a lot of fun once we get reconnected!

Close call

2008-05-06T22:45:00.002-05:00

Driving home from dance class Monday evening, something large came out of the woods from the left. As I slammed on the brakes, I thought: big, four legs... moose? as I registered roan coloring, mane, not moose ... horse! as a big roan horse calmly walked across the road as if we weren't there with headlights coming to a sudden stop just feet from his body.

Adrenaline was coursing through my body!

Bad enough a close call with a moose. But a horse? I was horrified as I realized a horse has no more 'vehicle savvy' than a deer or moose or squirrel.

I parked the car and knocked on the nearest door, reported what I'd seen and asked them to call the neighbors they identified as likely owners of the horse.

I have more empathy for all those kind neighbors who knock on our door when the cows are out or the sheep have wandered to a field across the road. And gratitude!

A two horse day, and manure

2008-04-27T20:57:00.001-05:00

After spending a few hours in the tractor loading winter paddock manure onto a flatbed trailer, I had a late lunch, short nap, then rode.

First I rode Kacee, in the ring, walk, trot, canter. I worked on a grid pattern at the walk. It seems to help us get together -- I have a plan that changes quite frequently, and wanting to get with my plan, she listens better and better. It gives us a focus.

Trotting I focussed on her bending with the arc, whatever direction I was going, and how I could influence that most subtly. And my breathing, slow in and out as I posted. Next ride I will count how many beats to the inhale, how many to the exhale. Canter was in large circles and I focussed on steering her on the circle. We haven't done much of this in the ring, more likely to have cantered on the dirt road or on a trail. So I'm being patience while I guide her, letting her find how to carry us in a circle. Oh yeah, trotting over cavallettis again. I'm hoping to keep her back in good form and influence her to use her abdominal muscles with the cavalletti work.

Have I said out loud today how much I love that mare? I do.

Here she is, a few years back.

Then I rode Soli, our older steady-eddy Haflinger. Briefly in the ring then out for a trail ride. No fuss horse I trust to take me where I ask with relatively few questions along the way.

Gosh is he out of condition!! Huffing and puffing after each trot.

It was good fun though and we explored a No Entry dirt drive I've been eyeing for years. I met the land owners last month and they had a quick 'yes' to my asking permission to ride on their property. Access to some other trails beyond their cabin I was told. And today Soli and I explored one of those trails.

Soli, also a picture from a few years back.

More thoughts on defenses

2008-04-27T20:40:00.000-05:00

I've been thinking about defenses. I sure wish I understood horse's defenses as well as I understand human defenses!

A gal I know is defended. That might be the most simple way to explain her words. Her defenses are speaking. Her defenses (just like mine or yours would) take over when things get feeling out of control.

Everyone's defenses look a little different from other peoples but there are patterns and the folks who study psyches and such are good at recognizing this pattern of defense or that one.

Defenses protect oneself from feeling too much fear, from feeling like we're going to die. I might like calling them an important part of our survival instinct. Just like with horses. We have survival instincts, too.

We tell the horses, silly horse, nothing to be afraid of, even while we admit we don't really understand what scares the horse about the stick on the side of the road, or was it the leaf or the pebble?

Same with people, we say silly person for acting that way, but really we don't understand what made them feel afraid for their life. But they do. We do. I do.

We're more sophisticated than horses are and make up elaborate and "reasonable" stories about what motivates us. But essentially, it's the same deal for us as for horses. We're scared. And if we can't run away or because we couldn't run away when we were really young and vulnerable, we run to our imaginations and make up stories to make light of the terror we're feeling.

Then we start believing those stories. And forget the terror.

And if someone reminds us that hey, the terror is real, the stories are made up, we can't tolerate the possible disintegration of everything we've believed in and so we distance ourselves from those people. We have to keep the house of cards standing! Not really really do we have to keep the house of cards standing, but we do really feel threatened by anyone who threatens to send it crashing to the ground. And what do we do when we feel threatened?

We make up a story, most likely a story that belittles the person who threatens us with some reality we are not ready for.

Ropes

2008-04-27T20:35:00.000-05:00

It is paradoxical that I have such a clear preference for what rope I use for lead ropes and reins when I spend so much time promoting engaging a horse's mind and essentially finding tack choice irrelevant.

That said, I do prefer treeline rope which I get in White River Junction, VT at the same shop where we buy kevlar chaps, chainsaw sharpening tools, and brightly colored hard hats to protect the noggens when felling trees.

Why I like it is the important thing because I think each person will have his or her own preference. In fact my preference has evolved over the years.

I like this rope because it communicates what I do and pretty much nothing more. It is stiff compared to most lead lines. One can almost push it!

A fun and educational experiment: hold one end of 2-3 different leadlines and have 2-3 people hold the other ends, adjust so there is the same amount of loop in each rope, then move your wrist back and forth once, and WATCH... which lead rope stops moving first? Which lead rope keeps moving the longest?

What this tells me is that some ropes keep 'talking' to the horse after my body has stopped saying something. I want clarity, not confusion. If I move my hand to the right, I want my horse to feel that. With a softer rope, I move my hand to the right and initiate a swing, back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. What does that feel like to the horse? Instead of a message indicating 'right', he gets a message of right, left, right, left, right, left...

I do not rely solely on the feel of a lead rope but at times it is important and part of how I communicate with a horse.

I've been teaching more

2008-04-27T20:10:00.001-05:00

I like teaching.

Last weekend I was challenged by teaching a larger group than I'm used to. One on one has been ideal for me. Well, with horses, it's a threesome: me, owner/handler/rider, and horse.

This was a teaching presentation that involved three women and their horses, and an audience of about -- sixty? I prepared well, slept well the night before, had good support there at hand with me, and from feedback, people welcomed what I had to say.

The title of my presentation was Preventing Equine Burnout through Groundwork, and the context was the annual NARHA Region 1 Conference. I teach therapeutic riding, I teach volunteers who lead horses, and I teach volunteers to handle and ride horses such that the horses' physical, mental, and emotional wellbeing are enhanced.

I like influencing people in ways that help the horses. I am grateful for opportunities like this. I had fun even though I certainly had moments of anxiety ahead of time -- the sort of anxiety that is inherently close to the excited feelings I also had.

A four horse day

2008-04-26T17:51:00.000-05:00

It helps when I make a plan with a friend. I'm working on discipline, focus, developing the habits I would like such as getting out to the barn and handling or riding my horses. I have valid reasons at times that keep me from that, and other times it is homeostasis at work, keeping me engrossed in how I've been rather than stepping into how I want to be.

It helps that my shoulder, though not 100%, is good enough to risk riding and in fact I trimmed 2 1/2 horses today. Yeah, some achey feelings surfacing now. I guess tomorrow will be when I find that I did way too much today, or just enough too much.

Groundwork with four, and rode two, twice.

I involved my friend today so I could be videotaped. I am feeling ready mentally and emotionally to deal with what I see. From inside my body I can sense changes, openings, more strength, more flexibility and movement.

But my horses have been telling me that something isn't quite right. That is one benefit from watching myself on tape. I can see what I'm doing to unintentionally make things hard for them. And lest I forget to mention, see how responsive they are, calm, and learning, and tuned in to me. Thanks to my friend for the positive feedback.

The positive feedback I had for myself was more along the lines of feeling proud that I had set this up, willing to be taped and scrutinized. Proud that I am doing groundwork, enjoying groundwork, seeing progress in my horses because of groundwork.

I avoided groundwork for years because I felt so inept! If I ain't good at it, I ain't gonna do it. That was my approach. It sure limited my learning new things! I attribute my change in willingness to two things: last year I committed to figuring some things out on the ground before I would ride Rusty again after a very painful fall. And my experiences learning Aikido and how my determination and commitment brought me through some classes where I was ready to quit because I was so darn far from where I wanted to be in my skill level!

Riza is my young horse, just learning to circle or lunge, or I might call some of it ground driving with one line. I reminded myself today that this was our third time out in the ring doing this together. And she was better than the last time we did it.

When I'm slow and attentive, I notice the changes. And I also notice where my horses need some extra support to figure things out. I am glad I've become a person who wants to help them out when they are confused. I probably always would have wanted to, but I sure didn't always know they needed it, nor how wonderful are the consequences of spending the extra time helping them figure something out. Now, I'm not telling them what the answer is, no. But I am supporting them to search, and sometimes pointing a direction where they might find the answer. I firmly believe when the horses find the answers themselves, they feel really good about how clever they are. I want my horses to feel good about learning.

So ground work with Riza today -- we reviewed what we had done and when I saw she didn't really understand how to rearrange her body when she felt the slack leave the long line along her side, we worked on just that for a bit until she started to 'get it'.

Time with Rusty was also about groundwork. He is such a teacher for me! And I'm so glad we got some wild and disconnected moments on tape because I could look at them a few times until I really saw what I had done to make that happen. That horse gives me many opportunities to wake up to my unconscious movements -- he lets me know right away and in gross obviousness that I've done something unsuitable for our time together.

I have tended to bring one of my hands up in a way that blocks the forward movement when I'm leading and changing directions. Sofia stops dead in her tracks when I do that (captured in my memory without knowing what created that response, and now captured on video showing clearly what created that response) and Rusty jumps up into the air and bolts -- fortunately not right smack over my head which is pretty much what I've accidentally asked him to do. He knows he is not welcome in my space and he shows me how confused and upset he is!

Aside from my bumbling, all went well with Rusty, walk and trot, leading him from ahead of him, from his hip, from behind him, both sides and even over the cavalletti.

Groundwork and riding with Kacee. She was a little dopey, dull until I asked for a canter to the left. Woo-eee! A little wild ride then settled nicely.

Groundwork and riding with Sofia. She is still not 100% sound after a puncture wound last year however after x-rays, the vet said ride her -- it's scar tissue that needs to break up. Sofia does continue to move better and better with probably 90% of our ride no signs of favoring that foot.

I rode Kacee and Sofia a second time each after the break when we watched the video. I remembered another friend writing me about riding a grid pattern so I played around with that on Kacee, first in the ring, then just outside the ring, then out on the dirt road nearby. It was great to focus us.

I will remember this day and use it to motivate me to do more with more horses more often. Horsey "smores"!

Shoulds and shoulders

2008-04-05T14:44:00.002-05:00

It struck me -- there is a 'should' in 'shoulder'. I wonder if that is coincidence or perhaps the creators of our language had a sense of humor?

My shoulders are where I carry my 'shoulds'. The expectations I have internalized from others. The ideas that at times go against my inner nature. I should this, I should that. Years of 'shoulds' have left my shoulders bunched up around my ears. OK, I exaggerate, but I do carry my shoulders up and forward in a defensive posture just about all the time unless I am paying attention, 100% here and now.

About a year ago some changes in my relationship with RNB accompanied some great letting go of some major 'shoulds'. This was good, except that my left shoulder starting hurting. Why did it hurt? Because suddenly I had no need to hold it up, yet despite the new level of openness of my mind and heart, the body's fascia was still holding on! So gravity was free to help my shoulder drop into its natural resting place, and my fascia complained. That conflict between fascia and gravity meant pain, which dissipated within a few months as my body adjusted to the change in my internal spaces.

Some humungous 'shoulds' were holding my shoulder up. Those are gone and my shoulder rests in more balance than before. But some smaller, more subtle 'shoulds' still run my life, and those manifest in this smaller up and forward stance of both shoulders. I would hardly notice except this affects the rest of my body, especially the biomechanics of my arms.

In Aikido class a few weeks ago the teacher was helping me understand the fundamental purpose of a particular exercise which, of course, was: self defense. Self defense against someone attacking me. I got it, and I allowed the strength of self protective intention to fuel my moves, and clearly recall his stopping, putting his hands on my shoulders, and admonishing me to "Relax your shoulders!"

As I defended myself against his attack, I brought my shoulders up as I brought my arms up, about as high as they can get even as I proceeded to execute the defensive move. Raising my shoulders does not protect me. Raising my shoulders in fact undermines the natural movement of my upper body's bones and soft tissue. Raising my shoulders interferes with centered softness in motion.

So, just what are these hidden 'shoulds' I live with? I wish I knew.

Although I do not know today, I fully have faith in a future where these smidgeons of realization will surface at the time I am ready to face another level of exposure, and adjust with as much grace as I can muster as I integrate the unknown with the known.

Meanwhile, I make it a meditation to attend to my shoulders and keep them in place, noticing what are the circumstances -- external events and internal reactions -- when I find my shoulders floating upwards again. And remind myself to keep breathing...

Pain brings focus

2008-03-29T12:07:00.001-05:00

I think Mark Rashid is a remarkable person and teacher, and I am inspired through him to become a better person myself. What I especially like about him and try to develop more in myself is the consistency he offers across the board to horses and to people.

There are times when I have found it much easier to offer softness to the horses in my life. Whenever I realize I am having trouble remaining soft around people, I take that as a strong indication I have some inner work to do. Because my intention is there for my own clearing and cleansing, whatever it takes to become the best for my horses, those opportunities arise, and sometimes in surprising places.

Recently I injured my shoulder in Aikido class. I go to Aikido in order to become softer, more balanced, and better at blending with and directing whatever comes my way. Why did I injure myself? Many thoughts have run through my mind and the most compelling one is the thought that I am ready to really know my shoulder. Not just use it, not just notice when it aches after stacking 400 bales of hay, not just taking a breath and letting the shoulders fall to their normal resting place after I realize I'm holding them up and feeling defensive and worried about something.

Today my right shoulder is my meditation. Anytime I forget and move unconsciously with that shoulder, PAIN! Instant and sharp. What better teacher for me who otherwise might not bother to pay attention...

My point is that I have adopted a way of life of inquiry -- sometimes the inquiry is external to myself, and sometimes internal. I find that what I have learned about horse's survival instinct applies 100% to us humans -- when we are threatened we run, and if we cannot run, we defend. What is different is that humans have developed very complex ways to defend. Imagine if we simply bite or kicked when we felt threatened and trapped! How simple life might be!

But we don't. I will leave it to anybody who wants to figure out for themselves just what 'we' do to defend ourselves. I suggest there is a special mix of defenses that each person has developed to get through the minutes, hours, days, weeks, years of living with some larger or smaller sense of threat. It is always my hope that people find their way quickly to letting go of defenses. And always my understanding that we, just like horses, act -- when threatened -- in our own best interests despite the possible consequences to others. That is why I did not get mad when my favorite horse kicked me. He didn't do it TO ME, he simple did it.

I do look forward to a level of awareness that will allow me to learn some of these important lessons without such physical pain -- if that is possible!

I can't get my head around this...

2008-03-16T10:15:00.000-05:00

This notion of defending myself seems foreign, remote, bizarre. Yet that is one core facet of Aikido. It is not an offensive martial arts, it is solely defensive. The increasing awareness of vulnerability in face of attack appalls me. Whether by nature or by influence, I freeze when attacked.

Well, that is no longer true. Through practice in the dojo, I am learning to protect myself from the onslaught of hands, arms, and weapons. I am grateful for the advanced control of my practice partners, both in their abilities to stop before hurting me, and in their abilities to successfully defend themselves when I am too strong. Or perhaps when I am adequately strong!

Why does this bother me so -- this need to defend myself, to protect from a deadly strike from an opponent -- that is part of learning Aikido? I want to believe I live in a safe, supportive world. A world where everyone harbors friendly intentions. A world where vulnerability is honored and hurting others is avoided at all costs. A world where my email signature quote (quoting myself) rings true: "It's our nature to get along."

That is a dream world though. Do I risk death of this body by choosing the structure and content of that dream world to the exclusion of embracing also the dream world where people act on harmful impulses? Some would say that both are dream worlds. I have liked to think that if I fully believe in a world of peacefulness, that is what I will draw to myself and hence live in the safety of attracting only those supportive people and experiences.

So when I experience some strife, is that my fault? Am I faulty somewhere inside myself for some unconscious belief that allows for hurtful experiences?

In fact, the more I have practiced defensiveness and the activities that will more likely result in the ongoing life of my body should I be attacked, the easier it is to defend from psychological intrusions. I have less and less tolerance for and increasing quickness to defend myself from unwelcome energy coming my way. As long as I remain soft as I defend myself -- from scary fists or fantasies -- my growing capacity to defend myself is a good thing. A very good thing.

I wonder if I were attacked today, would I have a defensive instinct on the surface, ready to act rather than my previous freeze behavior? I have been attacked in the past. Mugged in NYC many decades ago. SCARY! When I think back to that, I wonder if I would defend myself had I known some Aikido? I was attacked by someone I knew -- that attack I'm certain I would fight off had I developed the thinking I have today -- I am worth protecting.

This concept that I am worth protecting came to me via the world of horses. Who has spent time around horses and not been pushed over, stepped on, knocked to the ground? I automatically admire anyone who never has, as they are living in a state of awareness and certainty that precludes those collisions with horses that end in human distress.

I could say those collisions start with human distress -- a condition too many of us take for granted. The subtle, chronic distress commonly acknowledged as busy mind, distracted, caught up in thoughts about the past and the future... I suspect that my time practicing Aikido is like house cleaning -- getting to some dark corners of my inner world where dust bunnies of distress have lain undisturbed for eons. This would bring meaning to why I can feel so upset while being open to the lessons of Aikido -- a cleansing, expansive upset, not a stuck, resistant upset.

Homeostasis

2008-03-08T15:31:00.004-05:00

I highly recommend George Leonard's book, Mastery. It is his writing that had me thinking about how homeostasis keeps me stuck.

Homeostasis is designed to keep things stuck, keep things the same as they have been. The Oxford American Dictionary says homeostasis is the "maintenance of relatively stable conditions in a system (such as blood temperature in a body) by internal processes that counteract any departure from the normal."

This is all fine and dandy, except when "the normal" is hurtful, limiting, ineffective, disruptive, counterproductive.

I am reading this book because a friend sent it to me, urging me to read it. She and I share two passionate interests: horsemanship and Aikido.

I am seeking to undermine my tendency to undermine some of my better urges. I have used the word 'procrastination' lavishly in the past couple of months since I participated in a Time Management seminar. To quote Mark Rashid, "We get good at what we practice." I practice procrastination frequently. Therefore I am especially good at it.

The conflict arises when I want to do other things with my time. Things like practice Aikido, trim the twenty-four horse hooves out back, write an article promoting equine facilitated mental health (EFMH), eat lunch.

Reading about homeostasis has given me a new understanding of my procrastination behaviors. I can label them now and laugh at them. I can talk about them with RNB instead of feeling ashamed. I can separate myself from the behaviors and look for other choices.

It starts with acknowledging the importance of procrastination as an expression of homeostasis. On a survival instinct level, I want to keep things as they have been -- relatively quiet, living a relatively anonymous lifestyle, sharing a little here and there when conditions feel safe. Living with some pride in my accomplishments, my awareness, my strength, but not seeking much more.

Thinking about feeling safe and procrastination has also been fruitful. Homeostasis is a safety feature, designed to keep a system intact and functioning. Procrastination is another way of saying I'd rather do something safe than try something new. I would rather listen to another book on tape when I'm driving than resume my efforts of learning to yodel. I would rather try to get past Level 21 of that computer game than work more on that EFMH article I started the other day.

What does safety have to do these choices? Pursuing yodeling means facing the reality of how much I have learned to date. It means accepting that I have not grown up yodeling and cannot throw a yodel willy nilly into any song I am singing. It means listening to those who can yodel and wanting to yodel like them and be willing to practice, practice, practice, to practice even when I am on an interminable plateau of progress, to practice for the sake of practice rather than the purpose of achieving a goal.

The same applies to Aikido, to promoting my professional interests, and perhaps -- when the weather changes and I no longer have the real excuse of unsafe footing -- to my resumption of riding my own horses here at home.

Sobering thoughts. I would like to see myself transform toward some steady practice habits rather than the stuttering in action approach to learning. Maybe this approaching Spring Equinox is prompting an Annual Review of Self. Perhaps this review is stimulated by reading Mastery and by listening to The Way of the Peaceful Warrior.

Whatever is behind it, I enjoy stepping into my life with more gusto, staying closer to my personal goals. In fact, I will head out in a few minutes -- despite the cold and windy weather -- and split wood for the furnace.

Horses get used to things

2008-02-18T13:07:00.004-05:00

If you are as lazy as I tell folks I am, and you want your horse to get used to something weird, you'll find a way to have the weird thing in full view and let the horse get used to it.

I don't recommend putting tarps and moveable, non-living stuff in their pen unsupervised because horses can hurt themselves either directly or by getting terrorized if a foot got caught in a tarp for example. But adjusting to the sight and sound of a tarp, all on their own, is a wondrous accomplishment. An accomplishment for the horse.

That is how a horse gains confidence in himself. By succeeding on his own to overcome fear, to try new things, to learn. Not that we don't steer them in their learning process, but the learning itself is meaningful to the horse only when the horse is learning, not simply when the horse is doing what we tell him to do. There is an important difference.

I challenged my comfort zone when I introduced our horses to the sheep. Horses in one paddock, sheep in the adjacent paddock. I breathed deeply over and over as I watched the horses gallop away from the shared fenceline, then gallop back, heads up, nostils flared, snorting loud horse alert sounds, then gallop away again.

I talked myself into changing my focus to Other Things. And when I checked later, the intensity was reduced although the worry was still evident. It took three days until the sheep were a ho-hum event for the horses. That is when I opened the gate between them and let them mingle.

I think it's the same for people. Certainly there are times when it helps to have someone hold my hand (literally and/or figuratively) when I am exposing myself to something new and fear-provoking. That could be para-sailing or designing an equine facilitated mental health program. But the goodies come from me taking ownership of my courage, my willingness, my achievement. Horses and humans, we are so much alike.

Winter

2008-02-18T10:16:00.003-05:00

It is still winter here by the calendar. It is raining and in the 30s. Rain on top of snow with temperatures that will drop below freezing tonight.

My winter horse time is peripheral. I feed the horses and while they eat, I chip away at ice and snow that threatens to block the various doors to the barn. Yesterday RNB and I worked to free up some fence gaits in preparation of moving the sheep and getting round bales to them. They are due to lamb soon. I love my horses and know then well enough to want to keep the vulnerable lambs away from the horses. Curiosity and hay protectiveness leave me cautious.

Meanwhile I spend a lot of time inside finishing up projects whose deadlines were vague and drew energy just by waiting in my office for my efforts to bring them to completion. My Past Do To Do list is getting smaller.

I miss riding my horses. I enjoy riding a therapy horse or two each week in my training/conditioning job during our break from providing therapeutic riding lessons. My intention and challenge has been to help one horse with wonderful temperament have a stronger, more balanced body. Our hopes are that he have a long, meaningful, and physically healthy life with the therapy program. So far, so good. Plus he's fun to handle and ride, and getting more athletic which sometimes means surprises in store for me!

I think my favorite thing with him is to untack him in the indoor and let him roll after our ride time. Considering his winter quarters are a medium sized paddock with run in, all of which is covered in some combination of snow and packed snow and maybe some ice. He loves the feeling of the footing in the indoor, both for moving and for rolling. Maybe we are both lucky for this time together.

Horse quirks

2008-02-07T12:53:00.000-05:00

I read about Victoria's horse quirks on her blog: http://victoriacummings.blogspot.com. I'm taking up the invitation to play a game of self-tag and write about horse quirks here at home ...

Quirky things about my horses:

1) Rusty has a nick name "snorkel boy" after his first time crossing a stream. He kept sticking his nose under water! I recall he was seeking some nibbles from the stream bed but he sure looked silly.

2) I spent a few days teaching one of my horses to step her front feet onto a wooden pedestal that RNB built. Apparently the other horses were watching because days later, they each did this on the first or second attempt.

3) Rusty will volunteer to stand on the pedestal -- either when he wants his belly scratched (he knows I'll do that when he's stretched out like that) or when he's confused about what I am asking for and he knows how to please me with the pedestal!

4) Sofia loves to hang out with her head on my shoulder, just resting it there with nothing else needed.

5) Rusty knows how to unlatch anything within his reach!

6) Kacee will put some effort into not being caught unless I tell her I'm going to trim her feet.

7) Kacee had a love at first sight relationship with a goat at the boarding stable when I first bought her. The goat followed us on a 10 mile fund raising ride and was so out of shape, I got off and walked the last few miles just so we could travel slow enough and rest often so the goat could keep up with us.

8) Gwen (who now lives with some neighbor friends) curls her upper lip with pleasure when she gets scratches just behind her withers.

9) When Rusty was a yearling and wouldn't leave me alone and I had not established good boundaries with him, Kacee would come bite him on the back to shoo him away from me when his pestering got feeling dangerous.

More life lessons from Aikido?

2008-01-24T09:07:00.001-05:00

I have done a good job throughout my life avoiding feeling vulnerable. I'm not saying that is the best thing a person can do, but I've been good at it. Defenses are sophisticated enough that I have succeeded in many areas of life. Actually learning to successfully defend myself however was not one of those life skills I have learned.

I have defenses but cannot defend myself? What am I talking about?

My well-honed defenses are intellectual and emotional defenses. What I lack is knowledge of is how to defend my body from harm.

Aikido is a great deal about defending one's body from harm. I hardly have a cringe reflex in class when a practice partner is attacking me. What's with that?!

After shedding some tears and doing chores, eating a late dinner and getting some sleep, I woke up today with a clearer brain. Last evening I felt overwhelmed with what seemed like utter chaos in the teaching/learning process of Aikido. A predictable ritual and pattern at the start and end of class, and most everything in between is new and challenging, out of my comfort zone and overwhelming. So what do I do? I keep breathing, surrendering any thoughts that pop up other than "I am here to learn, it's ok that I don't know what I'm doing, I keep my mind open, I keep trying my best, all I can do is do it and someone will help me ..." I can move myself into an "I can" zone, even if I don't know what it is I can do. I lay my trust in my teachers and fellow students with more experience, and practice, practice, practice.

One thing that is hard for me is being shown how to do something 'better' (my word, not theirs) when I don't really know what I'm doing to begin with -- block with your right arm coming straight up. What did I do? I didn't do that? Ok, no time to think that through just do it again, hoping the newest bit of feedback has sunk in someplace so that I do something different.

It's not my preferred way to learn something! I would rather be given smaller pieces of information and gain some sense of what I'm doing before adjusting or adding to what I'm learning. In fact I am learning despite this, but gosh it is hard. A sense of competence -- is that allowed? Why does feeling incompetent disturb me so?

I got thinking how hard it is for our horses to learn, and how common it is to present so much new information that they just bumble through fudging it as best they can. I hope I am as present and kind as my Aikido compadres when I refine requests of my horses so they can give an answer closer to what I'm wanting.

Should I speak to Sensei and ask that my learning style and speed be considered? Most of the other students are somewhere in their 20s and 30s, with a few in their 40s I suppose. Do I speak up or do I 'trust the process', knowing full well I am taking these classes for growth in who-knows-what directions, who-knows-what realms!

I was pleased that in my morningmind (generally clear and insightful upon waking) I could recall most of the sequences of what we practiced last evening in class. I certainly couldn't after class! I guess I have to adjust my notion of 'practice' -- I would have said it means improving something I'm learning through actual or mental imagery repetition. Last evening I would have defined 'practice' to mean bumbling and fumbling in a chasm of not knowing and chaos, on the edge of mental and emotional revolt. I am seriously stretching my comfort zone -- learning a language without a bilingual dictionary. Words fall short of describing the distress and vulnerability I was feeling.

And today I'll be off soon to the comfort of predictable activities: foaming around windows, hanging sheetrock, and splitting wood. Ah, what a relief!

Changing the stories I tell

2008-01-24T09:00:00.000-05:00

There are moments when I'm struck by changes. Changes in others that I have not fully noted. The other day this happened loud and clear, and reminded me that I need to update my version of reality more carefully and more frequently, based on the feedback I get from others.

This recent incident was about a horse. But it could have been about RNB or some other human. It could have been about me.

Ever since November 2006, I have held a story in my mind about Bo, the arab/shetland pony I bought in hopes of helping him figure out how to be settled and part of a herd. The story I have been promoting about Bo is simple: troubled pony, upset the herd dynamics here, has a lot of try once I get his attention, not sure he could make it somewhere else with a new herd, sure he needs an experienced handler who can pay attention and kindly deal with his distractability and the behaviors he shows when he's worried. Stuff like that.

Here is Bo shortly after he arrived, in the middle of one of hundreds of scuffles with the other horses.

Recently I started feeling more motivated to find him his new home. I never intended to keep him forever as I do some of our horses. He was here so my herd could help him -- I trusted they would take care of themselves and help him understand what is acceptable behavior or not on horse terms. He is a size that I can ride but never would ride him much. He needs smaller humans for that. Children, for example.

Here is Bo a year ago, saddled and hanging out with his Number One Girl. I used to call the pair of them 'Big' and 'Little'.

Here is Bo being ridden by me.

I tried selling him last fall. Not a single call. I decided I could live with giving him away, and placed this ad in the local classifieds weekly:

Sweet, sensitive, lively 18 years young bay pony gelding needs a new home. Rideable, "easy keeper", and would be best with a confident rider or as a companion to one other horse. Call for more details. Free to the right situation.

A week went by and nothing. And then a call came, from a woman looking for a smaller equine for her 4-H program, for the 5-8 year olds learning about farms and outdoors and animals. I suggested she come meet Bo and maybe bring along some children so we could see how they got along. I mentioned my doubts about the situation after questioning her experience and expectations, but felt open to seeing what would actually transpire.

Here is Bo in the herd, a few days before his new owner appeared. It reminds me of when people stopped noticing Rusty and I in clinics. They stopped noticing us because we weren't in trouble! Can you tell which one is Bo?

He was quiet here in the herd, quiet when I brought him in to the barn to clean him up and check if he needed any refreshers on good behavior around humans. He needed nothing. Well, he had just rolled in the melting snow mess so he did need some cleaning up. But even separated from the herd, in the barn with no visual contact, he was quiet, munched hay, his ears went to the door and back but none of the restlessness and anxiety I had grown accustomed to, and was expecting.

Here is Bo in the barn just before his new owner arrived.

Bo's new owner arrived with a couple of adult horsey friends and a teenaged girl. It was love at first sight. And continued love while the teenager handled him, even bridled and rode him bareback for a few minutes.

Here is Bo five minutes after being introduced to his two new herdmates (they share the shelter of the barn and can meet over the half wall and gate dividing the inside, but have separate turn out on the other side of the barn).

So much for the stories I had been telling about him. What a liar I can be!

Riding on New Years

2008-01-01T21:40:00.000-05:00

I was busy doing indoorsy things for much of the New Years Day list, and finally got around to the Ride part. The daylight was gone, it was still snowing, and I was ambivalent about which horse to ride. I invited Rusty and Soli into the barn for some hay and drying off.

I figured I'd take the safe route and ride Soli, wanting to support my own decisions to take fewer risks, to be sane about my riding adventures, to embark on a ride feeling confident not uncertain. But as I thought about it, I remembered that Rusty is a very safe and sane horse when I give him the support and guidance he so loves from me. I realized then that I was going to ride him, on this dark, quiet evening of January 1st.

He was perfect. I noticed many of his behaviors as questions, not as statements, and he was with me. He stood for saddling, he bridled easily, he went out from the barn as softly as the falling snow.

It was a different ride with me feeling his questions as questions. I think I have misinterpreted them in the past, perhaps feeling his questions as 'rather-nots'. His questions are simple -- are you saying something to me? is this what you want? what now? His responses were a wordless flow...

This particular change in me started yesterday. I wanted to ride out in the big field, and thought about riding Sofia out there, knowing it would very likely be a little wild, but hey, why not enjoy a bit of fun in a safe even though very large area?!

Then it occurred to me that it may not be a bit of fun in Sofia's mind, that the little bit of wild I was expecting is not enjoyable for her, it is stressful. I got thinking about those little blocks of knowledge that we want to build in our horse's foundation, and the links in their chain of knowledge that build a confident horse who trusts our judgment, our leadership. What would a lively ride with a slightly upset, slightly confused horse add to her confidence in me? Nothing that I could think of!

So I chose our Haflinger, Soli, for yesterday's ride and never got out of the winter paddock, but did 'get my ride' that I'd wanted. I never even put a halter on him in fact.

This new interest in attending to the finer points of how well my horses understand their jobs, understand my expectations and requests, will bring delightful changes in our relationships, I'm sure. I think that is central to why this evening's ride with Rusty was so sweet despite my earlier misgivings. He is very capable of acting like an old school horse, as long as I do my part and not leave too much to him. It was endearing to see how he looked to me with questions after our ride, what do you want now? Well, my dear Rusty, I want you to hang in the stall and munch hay. Thanks for asking.

Snow on her face?

2008-01-01T13:38:00.000-05:00

Why does Kacee have snow on her face??? (scroll down for the pictorial answer.)

[Click on image if you need bigger picture to see the detail.]